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/feels/ - Advice & Venting

Talk about relationships of all kinds, ask for advice, or just vent

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Anonymous 35540

BPD / cPTSD support and positivity thread

>What has been helping you recently?

>Any book/article recs?

Anonymous 35549

Everything I’ve researched about my behavior problems points to bad, but I don’t have any traumatic events in my childhood (that i remember, at least, I have a very selective memory) which seems to be a precursor to being diagnosed with bpd. It’s ruining my life. I want to get professional help, but I live abroad and while I can conversationally speak the language of the country I live in, I’m worried the language barrier could be a serious problem. Mental illness is also deeply stigmatized here (I meN, where isn’t it?) and I’m honestly worried about being forced out of my job if I get diagnosed with something and it shows up on my insurance.

I’ve always had problems with behavior and even as a kid people didn’t want to be friends with me. Luckily (?) as a kid I was oblivious to this.

The symptoms I definitely have:
>Frantic efforts to avoid abandonment - among other things sabotaged bf’s job opportunities so he wouldn’t move away, asked him to delete his old contacts when we started dating, etc.

>Unstable relationships characterized by extreme idealization and devaluation : happens with friends and in relationships, same with family members.

>Impulsive behavior and substance abuse.

>Chronic feelings of emptiness (comes in waves, those waves can last months)

>Inappropriate, intense anger and difficulty controlling anger.

>Paranoid ideation.

>Habitual liar.

>create problems where I appear to be victimized when I’m actually instigating the problem


Are there any cbt or dbt workbooks or courses that have helped you or someone you know? Or is a professional the only way to fix this… I want to stop ruining people’s lives…

Anonymous 35550

Good to hear you tried but sometimes the only person who can help them is themselves.

It could be that something traumatic happened but you blocked it out completely. I've had that happen before, it's really weird.

There might be an English speaking therapist you can see. I know they have this in Japan, for example, and mental illness is stigmatised there as well. There's also the option of online therapy.

This workbook seems to be recommended a lot:


You can "find" it online pretty easily.

Anonymous 35597


A close friend of mine overcome her BPD like a year ago, she's now 20yo. She developed it at the beginning of puberty, had better times and very bad periods until she finally got well. Through all those years she kept taking bad decisions, specially involving her boyfriends (she dated a 21yo when she was 14, and similar age gaps with others). Other friends and I would talk to her, at the end her health was the only topic in our conversations (whether she was present or not). She was very open minded and had a lot of friends and would NEVER be angry or inapropriate, neither would do drugs (including drinking). But she needed those boys like oxygen, she would never be single. She would even go back with her ex's (they were al so fricking dumb and toxic). They were her emotional and sexual partners.

I admit I probably didn't help her when she kept saying she was very unhappy and suicidal and my answer was: ''Break up with that idiot, let's do some paranormal cringey wiccan thing for teens. She was mining my mental health and others as well because we would never agree on what was best for her (like it was our task to take the gloomies away). She did self-harm, a lot of cuts in visible areas but as shallow as my cat's scratches.

I don't know. She didn't go through any real suffering in life, she has both parents, and all four of her grandparents,and plenty more of relatives, she was an only child with a stepbrother.

Anonymous 35610

Even of she had both parents, they might have been emotionally neglected her or made her the scape goat of the family.

You can’t blame yourself for her problems though anon. You were just a child. Even just being a friend who cared about her must have helped a lot.

Anonymous 35614

I have had inklings to feeling I may be a possible candidate for a BPD diagnosis. I've already got a lot of ongoing mental health issues, but I am already also diagnosed with aspergers, and I'm aware there is a LOT of overlying symptoms between ASD (especially in women) and BPD. I have a history of CSA which hasn't been disclosed to anyone professional as of yet too.
A lot of my issues currently are focused on one individual I am quite intensely attached to for no particular reason other than, my shitty brain says I need reciprocation from this person to feel valued. Issues include:

>Disordered Eating (I have an anorexia diagnosis although this is fairly complex as its not just a case of feeling fat, a lot of it is tied to mood and how I feel in the day rather than body image so my weight jumps about a bit)

>Abandonment issues (Probably the biggest one)

>Intense fear of rejection

>Paranoia (going as far as to check this person's social media to see if they have liked their friends posts between messages and elapsed time of uploads to see if they've been ghosting me)


>Substance abuse (I mean its only mild but I often take some of the meds I used to take but stopped bc they made me gain weight like crazy just to feel 'high' and out of it for the day as I live with a fairly conservative family who watch my every move because of the eating disorder anyway)

>Have no sense of self and identity outside of copying others (usually the person I'm fixated on, once this is removed I have no idea what to do with myself).

>Mimicking of others (although I think this is more my ASD I have an intense fixation on an 80s musician and I often feel I need to copy his clothes and look to feel comfortable).

There's probably other stuff too but that's just off the top of my head. I'm not sure if they would ever give me a diagnosis of this tbh seen as I already have the ASD diagnosis and I don't really know much about the two conditions being co-morbid.

Anonymous 35615


Hey, i feel the need to write something. Even though I have other things i should be doing. I lived with someone who was bipolar. They were also narcissistic. Only one thing matters to this person, and it is their own social gratification.. Throughout life she had many problems, and wasn’t treated very well. Her self image was that of garbage. So in an effort to feel better she sought the praise from others. In her culture there was no greater standing for a woman than being a mother. So she did. She treated her children like objects. Each one being a badge that proved to others her self worth.

Now all of this is not inherently bad. Think about it, for animals the smell of their child alone is enough to make them take care of the child and that is as close to love as some creatures will ever get. The problem arose when I as her child stood between her, and her self image. When I stood between her and anything that made her happy in life. I was met with a look of hatred, and that soon followed with pain. She did not care about the happiness of anyone else, maybe she just could not internalize how anyone else felt… I do not know. But i say all this so i can teach one point and one point alone;

There is nothing more valuable in this life than living beings. Everything that there is will someday pass away, all your things, all your positions, even your feelings will someday pass. But the spirit does not come from this world of rot and therefore it is most valuable, it comes from a greater place.

In everything you do remember this one lesson, and you will overcome what makes you weak. Any emotional problems that allow you to hurt others will subside and you will remember what matters. Be kind, and do unto others as you would have them do unto you. If you don’t help anyone else to be happy, you will never be happy.

Anonymous 35650

Maybe, I don't know. I didn't really have friends growing up but there was an older neighbor boy I played with a lot until my mom told me I couldn't any more. I was really sexual when I played house or whatever with other kids, but I also had no idea how sex worked lol. I don't remember it at all, but I took a whole roll of naked photos with another girl in elementary school and my mom got in trouble when she unknowingly got it developed lol. My boyfriend also has asked me if I have sexual trauma because I'm pretty repressed about sex in general, but it's likely just my super Catholic parents.

Anyway, thank you for the suggestion, I promise to go through the whole workbook. I felt pretty called out when the author was like "you can't just read this and call it a day" lol

Anonymous 35666


Both of my parents are emotionally immature (e.g., no ability to introspect, take responsibility, always avoiding or blaming others) and are both alcoholics to different degrees. All my life I have felt like "the grown-up" in my house. My little sister feels like my baby (I love her so much). It was sometimes nice to feel powerful and competent and that when something went wrong I could usually handle it. But, this also came with a lot of resentment towards my parents for being fuck ups, and also a lot of fear/uncertainty. If the adults in my life couldn't handle their shit, how the hell was/am I supposed to!? I feel that fear now, even as an adult myself. It's hard to picture myself as a competent adult because I don't know what that looks like "from the inside". I'm always drawn to mentors and supervisors who seem like the stereotypical "good moms" – caring but firm.

I struggle with a lot of anxiety and depression as a result of these experiences. I have wondered if my experiences fall under the CPTSD umbrella.

Anonymous 35683

I would like to know if there are any good articles on having BPD and dealing with breakups :(

Anonymous 35685

>that pic
su sana distancia? in MY crystal cafe?

Anonymous 35686

I just found it on Google.

Anonymous 35764

Holy fuck, I just found out I've blocked out an ENTIRE YEAR (recent – just a few years ago) in which I did some pretty fucked up stuff. I'm looking into places that will do video chat assessments now.

I'm scared as fuck but another part of me is just like "eh, it'll be OK in the end.

Am I going to be on meds for life? Am I incurable? I know you guys don't know but I'm at such a loss right now.

Anonymous 35768

You are curable in that your symptoms can be reduced to the point where you wouldn't qualify for a BPD diagnosis.

For me, I view BPD as symptoms. Although the truth is that it will be a part of me forever in terms of the fact this personality disorder affects how I perceive and experience the world, I also know that I don't need to act on that. I am on medication. It helps, but it will not cure you; you have to put in the hard work. It may be possible to get off of the medication, but it would be a slow process and is far in the future if you're only just realizing you have BPD.

Anonymous 35769

Thanks for some (attainable?) hope. I'm going to have to step by step but I'm committed to taking those steps. After learning about the ways in which I hurt people important me, I can't even believe that anyone still wants to associate with me, let alone help me. But someone does, and I'm going to fix what I've broken as much as possible. I'm still wrapping my head about having a whole year of memories just…locked somewhere in my mind. I never would have known if I wasn't told. I thought I was dealing with "manageable" amounts of risky behavior, overattachment, substance abuse etc. but it runs so much deeper than that. :(

Anonymous 35856

Even though I’m going through the dbt workbook and using the tools (which are definitely helping) I can feel myself sabotaging my relationship and just being unnecessarily nasty when I’m frustrated. Not getting out of the house to go to work is adding a lot of daily stress.

I found a really good looking place for video psychotherapy sessions, but the assessment is a month of my salary, lasts several days, and is in a city under quarantine right now. I found a local place that does sessions in English on certain days, but the clinic is really close to my workplace, which worries me. They’re also opened somewhat recently and don’t have much info online.

I feel stuck but I don’t know how much of it is real obstacles and how much of it is just me putting off something difficult.

Anonymous 35860

Have you heard of the youtube channel “Recovery Mum”? I found it recently and it’s been really helpful as she goes through her thought process in situations before and after recovery. She also has steps to take in different situations.

Anonymous 35875

I’m going to go look up her videos now, thanks. My boyfriend is mad at me that I’m even considering paying for therapy because I “just can’t control [myself]” and considering taking medication (if needed… I haven’t even seen a professional yet) is stupid because “that area of science is still not really understood “ so it’s dangerous. Which is true, I guess, but I just want help. Maybe I am just a big baby.

Anonymous 35876

Not another one of these boyfriends ffs.

In mental health threads, when a sentence starts "my boyfriend", it's never "my boyfriend looked into some research and suggested DBT and asking professionals about medication approach xyz, what do you think guys", it's always "my boyfriend doesn't believe in the concept of mental illness and says I'm just a weak loser", "my boyfriend is sulking because a therapist is so expensive and he now feels like I'm saying his emotional support during 20 second breaks in WoT is inadequate", "my boyfriend read on Twitter that mental healths problems are caused by carbs and my electric tooth brush vibrating my skull and fucking up my brainwaves, he is now banging his head against the wall and not speaking because I didn't want to use the prehistorically accurate teeth cleaning twig he got from our backyard"

No one with mental illness needs a partner who invalidates the illness, least of fucking all someone with trauma related long term problems. He gets mad at you for wanting to seek help for an illness?? This is not healthy.

Anonymous 35879

Your boyfriend is invalidating your feelings. Unless he is a researcher in mental health medicine (which I doubt) then he doesn’t know what he’s talking about so don’t listen to him.
If he’s often like this, I would chuck him and focus on myself. He could be causing a lot of your mood problems but making you think you’re the problem.

Anonymous 35903

I confronted him about it today (probably not in the best way, but a lot calmer than I would have a year or even a few months ago). It turns out he wants me to make an appointment with a brain specialist and get everything physically checked out first, and then see what the specialist recommends. Which now seems reasonable to me.

I feel like this a lot. But I also black out memories and facts that are inconvenient to me. I feel like I’m being gaslit all the time, but objectively looking and taking my past behavior into account I’m probably gaslighting myself and trying to deceive others. A lot of times I do think we are too different and not good for each other. But apparently when he seriously was going to leave last year after a huge violent episode of mine, I freaked out and begged him not to go. I really don’t know.

Anonymous 35945

I feel like everything my particularly abusive (on these sexual spectrum) ex did triggers me to such a ridiculous degree I can never talk about it toy current boyfriend. I have BPD. He doesn't know because I'm terrified how I'll be perceived. But it just sucks. Everything make me want to crumble.

Anonymous 35946

Are you seeing a therapist now anon? Have you thought about telling your bf about this but in an indirect way? Maybe text him or give him a letter.

Anonymous 35947

Yes, I am seeing a therapist. You're right. I should. I used to write him letters often and I thought it was a good way of expressing myself, especially because I've been told I articulate my feelings well. He just often doesn't remember these letters well which in turn, hurts my feelings.

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