Siblings, toxic family Anonymous 37907
My brother has been ignoring me for the past months, I’ll say the past 3/4 months.
To set the setting beforehand, my family is quite toxic. There’s no privacy for us kids, even as adults, our phones are ransacked through, bank letters read because we’re still living under their roof. Constant fights are normal between everyone in the household. When we were younger, for the smallest wrongs we’ve done, it won’t be surprising if the older one would be punished severely ranging from anything being kicked to a corner or being caned till bruises are left. They’re changed people now but still, the effect lingers.
So, me and brother, we’re kind of like all what we have. We’ll share everything from insecurities to ranting about school. We share clothes, we share blankets,heck, if needed we’ll also share pillows.
But soon, I went to university so we barely met. He hates phone calls and texting so, we could barely stay in touch. Still, I’ll try to contact him here and there by maybe asking about my outfit or what photo to post on instagram, anything to keep the connection. Whenever I’m home, our relationship was fine.
Fast forward, somehow he’s close with our mother now. We had a fight a few months back and lord, it dragged for so long, We used to fitght before but never had it been dragged for this long.
I’m not entirely sure what my mum told him but it ended up with him sleeping outside our room. We fought and the only substance was that I told him, his actions are making me angry and I’ll need my space for now which irked him. Whereas for me, I didn’t make sense on why am I getting punished for acting as such?
So for now, because of the pandamic, we’re home together. He doesn’t really talk to me and it’s mostly just me trying to save the relationship. Once, I had a breakdown and went to sleep in other siblings’ room because even if I kinda brushed him a bit, he would make it clear it annoyed it. Even then, obviously, my parents took his side and told me to shut it up and stop being such a baby. I was literally brawling my eyes out as I’m hurt on how could he just cut me off like that but obviously, I’m still the wrong one because this action of mine, might hurt him instead and whatever I’m feeling, I should just deal with it.
Fast forward, we started to talk, more like, he won’t ignore me but won’t necessarily add any content to the conversation. But then, I keep getting hurt by his behaviour.
He was going to sleep at a friend’s house for a week and he didn’t even tell me at all about it. I found out about it from another sibling, coincidentally. I know he hid that from me deliberately.
There was also once when I asked him to not throw his clothes on the floor and put them in the backet. His response was to immediately threaten me by saying he’ll complain to my mum so that I’ll be scolded because he knows how far my mum will go and how emotionally disturbed I’ll be. Do note, he’s 17 y/o already so he knows what he’s doing.
Another time, I wanted for him to look at a new outfit I bought because it was kinda our thing to approve each other’s outfit but he just dismissed me and told me to ask someone else instead.
I’m really hurt and at loss. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like he’s getting toxic as well and I don’t know if I can accept that. I’m starting to think that perhaps I’m the problematic one.
I’ve fought with my parents quite a few times just because I wanted to uphold my boundaries and they disagree with that, saying I’m such an ungrateful child. There was also a time I’ve walked away when my mum started an argument with me because I didn’t want to participate and lord, that didn’t end well for me, haha.
Can someone please help to shine some clarity on this situation because I’m tired and I don’t know if I’m even thinking clealry.
As a person who also grew up in a family with few to no boundaries, you must consider that you're now imposing that lack of boundaries you are familiar with on him. He is getting older and wants space from his sister; that's normal. He's going to want to date, be with other girls, and soon, he will be rating his girlfriend's outfits and sharing his stuff with her, not you.
I understand you both grew up close, but you aren't his life partner. It isn't on him to tell you where he hangs out. This seems like a natural process to me. Have you had a boyfriend of your own, anon? I get the feeling you are substituting certain things that people feel in a relationship with your relationship with your brother.
It's hard if not impossible to have a decent relationship with a sibling in a toxic family. No matter what you do, you're both still stuck in crazy dynamics, and your relationship is framed in this madness.
As far as I know, getting out, building yourself as an individual and then coming back for that sibling relationship you might want to salvage from the family tends to work better (but not always).
It's the usual: save yourself first.
thank you for this.
had a big fight with 2 of my siblings- they're inconsiderate and ungrateful. i really wish i just lived alone