Don't know what to do Anonymous 46795
Few months ago me and my would-be bf parted ways. I felt like we had great chemistry but I really wasn't ready to get into a relationship with me after my last bf dumped me on xmas eve. He was a really good friend and was actually respectful of my wanting not to rush into a relationship. I kinda knew that eventually we were going to start dating but I was really hesitant, and it felt like our relationship was just kinda in limbo. We were close friends and we knew we'd eventually date, but we hadn't actually reached that stage yet, so our boundaries and affinities were kinda out of whack, and that not being clear of what was what really started to mess with me, so I asked if we could just kinda go our separate ways for a while. He was clearly sad about it but he agreed, but I went like a week and couldn't stand not speaking to him, so I reached out and we sorta kept going like before, but then one night in early May I got really drunk and snapped at him for something that wasn't his fault and told him to get lost and leave me alone, and he did. I convinced myself he was a manipulative piece of shit for what happened, and I spent a lot of time angry and in denial that it wasn't really his fault and I was just being a bitch. He reached out to me twice since then to check on my but out of pride (and guilt) I couldn't bring myself to respond to him and admit that I was wrong, so he stopped trying to speak to me. Fast forward to now, 5 months later and I'm an absolute wreck without him. I get nosy and peek at his steam sometimes, and seeing all the games he plays and groups he's in with his friends having fun just tears my heart to shreds. Now that I'm over what happened with my last bf in 2019, and feel ready to get into a relationship, the only prospective relationship I had is gone because I fucking ruined it like I always ruin shit. The fact that he's out there, having fun and enjoying himself without me makes me want to cry my eyes out and fucking kill myself. I guess basically what I'm trying to say is that I don't know what to do now. The only person I wanted to date is long gone, and I just feel like I'm out of options. I heard from a mutual friend last week that he has a gf and apparently they're super cute together and they have all kinds of shared hobbies and shit they do and it just kills me. I know this sounds like yandere creeper shit, but the farther out I get from him, the more I realize he was like my best possible partner and I let him slip away. He was sweet, always in a good mood, never got mad at me, always put up with my moody bullshit and had jokes to cheer me up. When I told him I wanted to part ways, he didn't pull any niceguy shit and demand I give him a chance, he gave me the space I asked for. it's at the point now where I think about him almost daily and would almost rather off myself than continue to be tortured by images flashing in my head of a future with him I can never have.
Good for him. All you can do is move on and learn from your mistakes.
>Don't know what to do
Step 1: use paragraphs
Ok I read it and OP I'm sorry but I hope this experience will help you in the future. It looks like you lost your chance with him, but you likely wouldn't have if you accepted his reaching out to you. I know how it feels to have too much pride, but sometimes you just gotta be genuine and vulnerable. I'd say message him, apologize for how you acted, but acknowledge that he has a gf now ("I heard you're very happy with your new gf and I'm glad. I just wanted to set things straight") and do your best to move on. At the very least, he won't remember you as emotionally unavailable and you might help him get over any lingering feelings of having messed things up. Maybe after this you can move on too. Just don't try to be friends for now. I hope you find a sweet bf like him soon OP.