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/feels/ - Advice & Venting

Talk about relationships of all kinds, ask for advice, or just vent
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Anonymous 56299

Anyone else here have one of those families that lets the men do nothing and expects you and your female relatives to do everything?
My family expects the women to cook, clean, do school and work, but men can just work and relax afterwards. My male relatives are fucking slobs but I get blamed when the house is dirty because I'm the "eldest female" and should just be able to keep up with my dad throwing garbage around the house 24/7. And then because I can clean better than anyone else it reaffirms their beliefs that women are naturally better at domestic matters, but I clean better because I was taught how whereas my dad and brother never were.

Anonymous 56503

Yes anon. I'm South Asian so it's justified by culture in my family. My dad has never cleaned a day in his life, meanwhile I clean the whole house myself only for my family to throw a fit if I tell them not to be so careless dropping crumbs on the floor when I just hoovered.

It also enrages me that my mom indoctrinates me into this bullshit arrangement where she insisted I have to learn to cook (which is fine) because I'm a girl (maddening). I don't understand how she can back this shit when it's only made her miserable her whole life. It's just expected I cook and clean, meanwhile if my brother makes toast he gets praised to high heaven.

I am also the eldest female. I fucking HATE IT the idea the eldest daughter has to be an unpaid maid and cook while all the males sit on their asses is so bullshit!!

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I'm going to move out next year hopefully and I'll be so free. I do feel somewhat guilty at leaving my mom to do everything by herself, but then again I remember all the misogyny she has subjected me to over the years (she wants me to be a tradwife, I want to be a doctor). It's her problem for buying into these beliefs, she accepted the tradwife position so now she can lay in the bed she made. I'm getting out of this situation.

Anonymous 56506

>>56299
>>56503
>It's her problem for buying into these beliefs, she accepted the tradwife position so now she can lay in the bed she made. I'm getting out of this situation.

Anonymous 56507

>>56506
Whoops clutz moment
Was gonna add: good for you anon. I can't imagine how shit of a situation that is.
I have desci friends (both moid and human for that matter) who are really trying to avoid arranged marriages because it seems like hell.

Anonymous 56537

>>56507

Thank you for your kind words anon!

I think arranged marriages could work, but the people involved have to believe in desi gender roles and also have to have different priorities than in dating. Like in arranged marriage culture an individual's personal happiness is not as important as community stability, hence staying together is paramount. And certain things just do not matter in arranged marriage culture. For example, I don't think I've ever heard of desi women who endorse arranged marriages caring about sexual compatibility. Women are encouraged only to seek good financial providers. Men are of course encouraged to seek out the youngest most attractive woman, with docility and submissiveness next in the priority list. And they can usually get what they want as long as they have money.

I'm sure men have their problems with arranged marriage as well but to me it seems like a worse deal for a woman. I'm just glad I have a job so I can't be forced into it, it would be so horrible to agree to it just to survive…

Anonymous 56583

>>56299
My Mom had this set up with my Dad, but he worked a full-time job while also owning his own business. I barely remember seeing my Father growing up.

Anonymous 56584

I'm subjected to it simply because it's the way my parents were raised. I was so shocked after spending time with a friend's more traditional family to see women are expected to cook, clean, care for animals and garden, but the men are expected to butcher animals, plant and harvest, chop wood, make charcoal ect. It was honestly refreshing to see a family acknowledge that men are only useful for low-precision, repetitive manual labour.

Anonymous 56585

>>56584
This was definitely the case with my family, I was raised with my grandparents though so maybe more traditional than a normal family
although the one exception to the non-repetitive tasks was that males were expected to do things like fix cars/broken mechanical parts, mechanical tools may come with the territory of the manual labor though, women were still tasked with the complex in-house equivalent counterpart like fixing sewing machines

Anonymous 56629

The men in my family are the cooks and they are fantastic at it

Anonymous 56656

original.gif

>>56503
Your family sounds so much like my family.

>I clean the whole house myself only for my family to throw a fit if I tell them not to be so careless dropping crumbs on the floor when I just hoovered


God, this. I literally have to clean the entire house every other day because my family members are fucking gross. They leave garbage, entire pots and pans of food, projects they aren't going to finish and clothes just lying everywhere. I'm also the only one that will ever clean the cat litterbox. And when I ask for help keeping up with it all, they at best are like "oh sure, sure" and change nothing, and at worst start getting very angry that I'm not just silently cleaning up behind them rather than actually trying to fix the SOURCE of the problem.

>It's just expected I cook and clean, meanwhile if my brother makes toast he gets praised to high heaven.


Yes!! My family does this too!! If my dad puts a SHEET on his bed it's a big deal. If my male relatives do literally anything my grandmother (the one enforcing all of this) makes a huge fucking deal out of it. Meanwhile I cleaned my dad's entire house after I had been moved out for a while, and my grandmother came by and was just like "the garage is still dirty". I can work for hours and hours and it's just expected and anything I didn't do right will quickly be pointed out, no matter how minor it is, with no praise of all the things I DID do right. I also pretty much raised my siblings when I was 14-18 after my parents got divorced, and my grandmother was more critical of my mistakes I made as a literal middle schooler while raising my siblings than she is of my father, a grown man, who is a hero because he will make spaghetti every few months.

My grandmother is basically the tradwife meme other than the fact that she works and expects me to work. I'm in school and they actually want me to work, do school, and run the domestic affairs. She is fiercely misogynistic and believes that women should just be pious and dutiful, e.g. work themselves into the ground for men who can't even flush the toilet. What kills me is when I vent about how hard it is keeping up with my house, she tries to tell me to stop whining because it's easy for her to keep up with HER house, but it's just her and my grandfather, who really isn't dirty at all, meanwhile my direct family can destroy a perfectly clean house literally within a day or two. Also my fiance lives with us, and he grew up in a house where he was expected to contribute (as he should have been), so he helps me, but recently my dad had this long talk with me about how he hates seeing him do the dishes and take the garbage out, and that I should be doing that too. Meanwhile if I'm cleaning circles around him and he (my fiance) is just sitting on the couch, nobody bats an eye.

I'm very glad you're getting away from it all. And I hope you succeed on your path to becoming a doctor, if I was your mother I would be insanely proud of you. I'm trying to get away too.

Anonymous 56657

>>56584
I thought you were going to make a point about delegation and specialization of duties, but it's strange how you look down on butchering and harvesting but not cleaning and gardening.

Anonymous 56658

>>56656
Also, I remember one time me and my grandmother were in the car together, and she was like "you'll have to be okay with doing all the cleaning, because men just aren't designed to do all of that". I started questioning this, saying that if I could be taught, why couldn't they? And she kept saying it's just not realistic, their brains aren't made that way, etc. etc. so finally I just said "If men are really that stupid, I don't want to get married anyways" and this obviously annoyed her and she wouldn't really talk to me after that. But really though, am I wrong to not want to marry someone who is so braindead I have to work AND keep the house alone because they just can't wrap their brain around it?

Anonymous 56659

>>56629
Both the men and women in my family are fucking terrible cooks, which is strange, because my grandmother is so into traditional roles and yet makes absolutely awful tasting food (she is also against makeup and long hair, strangely enough, but I guess that plays into her being very big on modesty and meekness). Luckily I was not really taught how to cook by my family, and I instead was taught how to cook by my Cajun community, who were all amazing cooks. My fiance is Cajun and is a fantastic cook.

Anonymous 56660

>>56656
Stop babying them, move out.

Anonymous 56661

>>56659
doing a separate response because I feel like I already went on a big unrelated tangent to that anon, but for when I was growing up with my grandmother, femininity was a very strange issue.
I was expected to be "feminine" in the means of being submissive, domestic, and clean, but more "vain" means of femininity were very discouraged, such as makeup, clothes that weren't just plain, unflattering dresses, and long hair. Discussing your own appearance was also very looked down upon. This is why I feel for me, allowing myself to be openly feminine and vain was a step in developing my own identity.

Anonymous 56662

>>56660
I'm in the process of that through college (I have two years to go and I am training for the medical field), but I can't do it as of this very moment. I baby them because if I don't, I will either be kicked out with no place to go (I have already tried making it on my own by just working at wherever I could without a degree) or I will be attacked, as my father is very violent.

Anonymous 57633

butt_wipe.jpg

Not to the degree that you have it OP. I was never directly told "you have to clean because you are the girl" but it's definitely noticable that my brother didn't get told to clean after himself to the same degree (then again my sister is the same way, I think I just got stuck doing the cleaning since I aas a homebody and my siblings would disappear after making messes.)

The thing that makes me mad is how I got actively discouraged from learning any kind of home improvement. "Oh you want to hang up a painting? Wait til your brother is home", "No you can't build this ikea furniture on your own, wait until your brother is home."

Recently I complained about it and said: "What if I move away? Will my brother travel 8 hours to put up a shelf for me?" Both my sister and mom responded with "By then you'll have a boyfriend who will do it for you"

Cool to know the only way to be independent is if I'm in a relationship with a man.



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