narcissist bf Anonymous 59076
my ex sorta boyfriend was such a fucking asshole and I don't know why I feel so bad for us not talking anymore. i wanna type up something here about our history but I don't know if anyone here will read the entire thing so sorry
i had known him for two years and i had a crush on him forever but i didn't go too far with him because i still had a boyfriend at the time (he hit me a lot and was very jealous and controlling). I wanted to cheat with him so bad because I just wanted to escape from my fucked up relationship so much that even though me and him connected on the most basic things like music and stuff i felt closer to him then i ever did to my then bf.
i broke up with my abusive ex, only at his whim, because he already moved out of my town for college so we were dead to begin with at that point. even though he hit me, demanded looking through my phone and social media constantly, i had never felt so invalidated in my life when he left me. it was horrible, but because he was my first and only relationship in my life, i felt like i lost something big.
I tried to patch it up by getting with the guy in question here. We "dated" for about 6 months and he changed a lot. i said he used to be awkward and shy, now he was super aggressive sexually, acted a lot more like a stereotypical fuck boy, at least over text. when I met him in person for the first time in forever, he was alot more like how I remembered him in high school, awkward in a funny way, soft spoken. i remember he brought me to a music store for our first "date" and I was so nervous I got a rash on my chest and I felt so sweaty. when he dropped me off at my house i hugged him and told him I liked him. he liked me back.
I won't waste anyone's time by detailing our whole relationship, but i guess I can try and include the most important parts. basically as time went on even though I felt really close to him and so did he he reminded me of my ex too much with the not so subtle jealousy and insecurity. I tried really hard for him so much it makes me cringe. I went along with whatever fantasy he had, i was super open about my kinks with him, i told him i wanted to be his little princess for daddy, I wanted him to spank me. it makes me feel gross now because i was probably giving him so much power he felt like he could say and do all the fucked up and down right mean things to me when we got into our "fight". he told me he was a virgin and i inflated his ego so much once he lost it to me. i was a fucking doormat.
the one thing I hated the most, was no matter how sweet he tried to be with me, he would either somehow use it to try and get sex, or he would act like the relationship was all about himself. he would talk about himself SO MUCH. he would talk about his interests instead of asking about mine, and whenever I would try and get him into my music he would pretend to listen to it and I could tell he wasn't even listening to the playlists I sent him. I was trying so hard for him and he wasn't for me. one of my cringiest moments is when he spent several minutes talking about "german philosophy" and I just sat there and tried my hardest to be as genuinely interested, because I loved him so much.
over time this anger over his narcissism just built up in me, and one day after he hung up on a phone call I called him out for being a selfish fucking dick. he tried talking to me and asking me what was wrong but when i wasn't responding to his texts he lashed out at me and called me a dumb bitch, he said my vagina smelled like fish when we had sex and in the heat of the moment that made me cry so hard. I face timed him because I wanted him to see the damage he did, I wanted to guilt him so hard and bring his ego down. I guess it didn't work because god knows why but we made up and stayed together for at least another month.
things weren't so bad, at first he tried being nicer to me, he would let me talk about myself alot more, but eventually he kind of went back to his old ways of caring about himself more than me and acting like I existed to serve him. I kept seeing the little things about him that gave me the ick, and one day I just ghosted him after sending me this text that reeked of his typical arrogant self importance. He seemed worried at first, asking if i was okay, but then just like the last time he starting getting angry and resentful, hurling insults at me. I didn't have the energy to get into a phone call fight this time so I just kept ignoring him. i spent several days wondering what I did wrong, and if there was anything I could have done to prevent him from becoming the way he did. i even felt like it was MY fault for some reason. one day he texted me "I'm sorry for the way I am sometimes". all i said was "don't be, it's not your fault sometimes". he said something else after that, but I forgot because i deleted all our messages and haven't talked to him since.
he was such a fucking dickhead to me. a week ago i felt happy i could move on but i can't get him from living in my head. what the fuck is wrong with me?
I think the best thing with regards to changing him and his selfish behaviors is a breakup, and the deeper the breakup cuts the more likely he will be to be a better person in the future. Just not with you, since if you get back with him he'd take exactly the wrong lesson from that breakup. Even if there had been some set of steps or behaviors that could have been taken to shape your relationship into a better form, you weren't in a position to follow them.
It's hard and it's cruel but there's no way to turn this around. Forget him, and forgive yourself.
Both of your exes sound like dicks and you're much better off without them, anon.
Now, don't take this as putting the blame on you, but something else that seemed apparent to me in your post is that you are a bit soft. As in, you didn't show much of a spine. You endured that behaviour for as long as you could, then your burst, forgave him, and then he did it again. Men are very good at ignoring short bursts of anger, as long as their behaviour is tolerated for the rest of the time. I hope it at least served to make you more assertive and picky, so that you don't have to deal with it ever agin. The inability to say "no" attracts this sort of self-absorbed person, it seems. They can smell weakness from a distance.
In this case fantasy is a million times better than reality. It doesn't even matter what kind of fantasy. You should embrace the BL-loving obsessive fujoshi in yourself and just kick them all to the curb if these are the kind of patterns you have to live with from yourself. Its literally better to look at femboy gay porn all day everyday than to get into these situations imo. Women like that are the reason men think they can treat us like shit and get away with it. Its shameful.