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/feels/ - Advice & Venting

Talk about relationships of all kinds, ask for advice, or just vent

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Overbearing mother - need advice Anonymous 61370

I've been planning on going on a trip to meet someone I've known online for over 2 years. I've seen their face and have videochatted with them. I know they're a real person.
I am in my 20s, work 5 days a week, & pay my bills. Because of high rent I cannot move out and I live with my mother atm. The last time I tried purchasing plane tickets, she yelled at me for over an hour about how I was going to be a human trafficking victim, and about how me going on this trip was to "purposely hurt her" and was equivalent to my dad cheating on her. She also threatened to kick me out of the house because she didn't want someone who "hated" her to live with her. There were a lot of tears and I felt utterly hopeless.
I want to purchase plane tickets soon. I don't want to destroy my relationship with my mother but I really want to meet this person. Please tell me how and when (how far in advance) I should tell her I am taking the trip. I cannot take more verbal harassment. I don't want her speaking with him because I know she will be aggressive and interrogative. I don't know what to do. I was thinking of telling her a few days in advance and then booking a hotel room for myself to avoid the drama.

Anonymous 61371

You could always see about him coming to see you. Tell your mom you're going on a date and spend the day/days together. If you don't want him to stay at your house with your mom, he could get a hotel room you two could make a home base.

Anonymous 61372

Your mother is a narcissist (been there… still am there). Unfortunately this cant be changed without years of intensive therapy. You cant "make this easy for her". The situation is not the problem, its her who is the problem which means that anything you suggest or any thing that you prove to be ok will just make her make up other reasons why its a bad idea. Long term, the best solution is moving out. I found that it gave me some kind of autority over our relationship but its still fucked. Good luck, i really hope you'll move out.

Anonymous 61397

This would be the ideal situation, except the border is closed to his country right now due to covid, and he has a disability so he can’t travel alone and it would be too much of a hassle.
Thank you anon. I’m not sure if my mother is a narcissist because she has done nice things for me before. But maybe I don’t know much about narcissism. You’re right though, I don’t think there’s any way to “make it easy for her” which is extremely distressing because I wanted to do as much as possible to go on this trip while preserving our relationship. I’m terrified of her reaction. I feel like I shouldn’t even have to tell her or be worrying about this because I’m an adult.

Anonymous 61407

Samefag, sorry, but do you think I should tell her a couple days in advance and book a hotel room if it gets bad? That was my plan.

Anonymous 61409

Tell her after you've moved away.

t. did this

Anonymous 61412

You don't tell her, you lie. My dad was also pretty controlling, and when my sister wanted to do something that he didn't approve of she just lied. If she wanted to travel and he didn't agree, she would say "ok" and lie about being somewhere else.

Tell her you are visiting a school friend, or tell her that once you're already on the plane.

Anonymous 61413

I dont want you to get into shit you cant get out of. If you think that she wont kick you out or do something that might potentially harm you, dont do it. If the only thing thats at stake is your relationship, she should forget about it in some time.
Also narcissists can do good things for people. My mother has done many good things for me. Its just that she has done me more harm than good with her issues.

Anonymous 61431

It’s ok, if she kicks me out I can move in with my dad. I ended up telling her about my plans, and as expected, it didn’t go well. She is now deliberately ignoring me. I’ve basically been having an hours-long panic attack now.

Anonymous 61433

Damn. Thats extremely toxic. Move out as soon as you can. It will do wonders to your mental health.

Anonymous 61482

She started talking to me again but she isn’t saying she loves me back when I tell her I love her and it makes me depressed. I know she probably still loves me but it just hurts

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