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General advice thread Anonymous 953

I haven't found one in the catalog so I thought I'd make one so we don't have to make/derail threads with questions.

Anonymous 954

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To start out the thread:

Does anyone have tips on how to concentrate better or to feel more present?

Most of the time I feel like I'm not present at all, like a ghost. It takes quiet a bit of effort to "feel present". Is there anything I can do to feel more present and focused? One thing I found that helps is listening to game soundtracks/music which sometimes helps, especially if it's something like battle music or whatever puts some sort of "pressure" on me. Being really stressed seems to be the only thing that "brings me back".

Anonymous 955

>>954
I would you could try meditation, you can try the app headspace which has a free trial (and you can download the rest for free if you search well)
There was a simple exercise you can just do whenever, I think it was to find five things you can see, four things you can feel (your feet on the floor, your butt on you chair…), three things you can hear, two things you can hear and one you can taste (even just the taste of your mouth).
Maybe breathing exercises too? Or writing a journal about your sensations, the stuff around you…

Anonymous 956

>>955
I would say*

Anonymous 960

>>955
Thank you (:
I tried HeadSpace a few years ago and it helped me a bit, I'll give it a try again and maybe try to find the apk somewhere.

That exercise is called grounding I think? Never worked for me. It makes me feel like a floating head lol It's like I feel things but not acknowledge them. Thanks (:

Anonymous 961

>>954
Could you be dissociating or experiencing derealization or something like that?

I don't have any quick tips but it might be worth seeing a therapist over and trying to identify what's putting you in this hazy state.

Anonymous 963

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How to stop being afraid of going outside alone and doing things by yourself after being an overprotected shut-in your whole life?

All my life i've been very over-protected by my mother to the point where i never left the house alone and she made me feel afraid to go outside my home at all times (i.e. everyone wants to rape you, everyone wants to stab you, you don't know how to function alone, you are useless without me… lovely stuff like that).

I want to go out by myself and do everything i want to do, but i am scared of doing it, because:
> i have no irl friends to help me/accompany me so i should do it alone
> i am terrified of dropping spaghetti in public because i barely know how to use public transport and i am afraid of getting in the wrong train, getting lost, or something like that
> i cannot shake the feeling my mother ingrained on me to be afraid of everything if i am alone, which makes me paranoid as fuck

I just want to stop this self destructing lifestyle before i realize i am old, wrinkly, in my 60's, and i wasted my whole life being a scared piece of shit thanks to shitty parenting and i am gonna die without having done a single thing in my life, but i don't know how to stop being afraid.

Anonymous 965

My friend just moved in with me out of necessity-ish. I'd like some advice on how to do this right and not hate each other by the time she moves out.

Relevant details:
>we've been friends for about 6 years
>she was recently put in a dangerous roommate situation and decided to move in at least for the next several months
>she pays a very modest rent for the area
>it's my parent's apartment so I'm not paying rent, but they don't live in the apartment
>I'm in between jobs and subsequently trying to spend as little of my savings as humanly possible
>we're both kinda aspie and as a result make a point to be really direct about things and have a high tolerance/understanding of miscommunications and stuff, along with both being socially conditioned to always worry about whether we're overstepping boundaries
>we have separate bedrooms and bathrooms

My most major question is about expenses, although any and all advice is appreciated.

I'm trying to keep as many of our expenses separate as possible, since I think this eliminates a layer of possible drama. I'm in the process of moving the kitchen around so that all of our groceries can eventually be separate.
Unfortunately, there are a few things that seem like it would be weird/unnecessarily difficult to separate. For example: trash bags, dish soap, and paper towels. Who pays for these items? Should we split the cost evenly every time either of us buys these items? In the case of paper towels, I've noticed that she tends to always use a paper towel while eating dinner, while I always just get up and wash my hands instead.

As petty as it is, I can see myself eventually harboring resentment for paying for her not wanting to get up and wash her hands in the sink. She's only been here a month and I've already noticed the paper towels going a lot faster than I'm used to. Paper towels are not cheap items! (See? I'm already getting petty!)
I feel like this might weigh on my mind less heavily once I get a job and stop having to scrimp so heavily on my own expenses, but I have no idea how long my job search is going to take.

I also worry about a few of her kitchen habits. The kitchen is kind of tough for me, to the point that I have actually already cried several times because of finding dishes that I considered to be still dirty put away or on the drying rack, worrying about whether she used the wrong sponges, or even just finding the dishes from the dishwasher put back in all the wrong places. This is very much 90% a "me" problem and I'm already coping with it a lot better than before, through a combination of separating some of our dishes, having separate sponges, and then beyond that just generally taking deep breaths, acknowledging the feeling, and letting it pass.

However, there are a few things that are harder for me to let go and a few things I'm not sure that I should.
For example, we view raw meat pretty differently. Part of this is that she eats a LOT of meat (and feels sick if she doesn't) while I'm halfway to being full vegetarian and feel sick if I eat too much of the stuff. But, I guess because she cooks meat so much more often than me she's a lot more comfortable with the stuff, and seems to worry less about where it is. For example, I've opened the fridge while she was cooking to find raw meat she'd just cut uncovered in the fridge with other stuff touching it. The fridge is already separated, so it's not my food that was touching it, but still, her stuff gets taken out and put on the counter, or she touches it and then touches something else, and… well, yeah. To me that's a nightmare. Or, if I'm soaking something in the sink, she'll rinse something that had raw meat on it without moving the thing I was soaking. To me that's horrifying because it's been contaminated now, but if I hadn't noticed that the cutting board she'd used for the meat was already in the dishwasher, and my dish was still on the same side of the sink, I would have just cleaned it as I would any non-meat dish and contaminate my clean sponge!

Even if all of this is just my own paranoia (which I would be hesitantly willing to accept) she's also already left the oven on once. She'd finished cooking dinner and had planned on baking later. When I pointed out the oven was still on she said something like "it was on a low temperature anyways" but to me that's unacceptably dangerous. Okay, so the house wouldn't burn down from the oven being on at a low temp for a few hours, sure, but that's still running up the electricity bill for no reason, and she could have easily forgotten about her baking plans and then gone to sleep with it still on which is really really dangerous!

Now, for all of these incidents I did tell her that it bothered me, why, and how I'd prefer she go about things for the future but I don't really trust her to actually remember since all of these are such non-issues to her. I think it would take many reminders and possibly post it notes to get her on board with these things, but I don't want to be condescending or make the kitchen unlivable for her. I can easily follow these strict meat laws in my own cooking because I cook meat so rarely (even more rarely on my current budget! Hah) but she cooks meat several times a week and maybe that level of scrutiny every time she comes home from work and just wants to eat dinner would drive her to avoid eating the foods she needs to function, to skip dinner entirely, or just generally go nuts.


Okay this was a long post but as you can see I really need some advice.

Anonymous 966

>>963
I don't have the exact same background as you, but I also have trouble feeling afraid or having anxiety attacks when I go out by myself.

I think your best weapon against these things are familiarity and escape plans.

If your city has decent public transit, then the more you take certain lines the more comfortable it should become. Sure, you might still worry about some things, but the threat of accidentally getting off at the wrong stop gets much lower when you've taken the same bus route several months in a row.

It's also a good thing for me to pack my bag the night before, and write a schedule for myself for when I need to leave to get there on time, and when I need to start heading back so I don't get stuck somewhere after dark. I know that as soon as evening hits I'll start getting panicky about getting on the wrong bus and being stranded by myself at night, so even though people kind of look at me like I'm crazy when I say "Ok, I should head home before it gets dark!" at like 5:30 in the middle of Summer, I still prioritize my comfort over logic in that way. I also always make sure that I have: a sweater, a fully charged phone, a phone charger, a book (so I can distract myself/zone out without draining my phone's battery), a water bottle, and snacks, especially if I'm going somewhere far or going out all day.

Ridesharing has completely revolutionized not having a car by the way. Even if you get stuck somewhere, you can always call a Lyft or Uber and get back safely. It's really good to have in a pinch.

One more technique that I'll share is building up. So, think of all the places you like to go. Decide on one that's relatively close by, maybe even walking distance, or just one short bus ride away. If you can't think of anything go online and find one. Some suggestions I can make are coffee shops or tea shops, libraries, bookstores, hobby stores, parks, gardens, etc. Not something too high energy, just some place that you find relaxing and enjoyable. Make a point to go there by yourself this weekend. Don't plan on staying more than an hour or two. Throughout the week, whenever you envision something terrible happening, figure out what you'd need in that situation and then pack it in your bag and bring it along with you.

Do this a few weekends in a row to build up positive, relaxing associations with going out by yourself.

Anonymous 975

I'm really nervous that I'm not going anywhere. I'm an artist who's had like 8 years university training and has a good skill set but I'm scared to start anything.
I keep saying when I'm stable (my boyfriend gets employed again, I get health stuff sorted out, we get out of debt, my parents and brother are safe, I lose weight, I start getting the dole again) then I can start making art and move towards supporting myself. Of course I'm never PERFECTLY stable and so I worry all day and dread that everything's going to fall apart. I seriously can't concentrate on working, nothing is less motivating to work on art than worry. I can't get it out of my head that I'm being selfish for working on art even though it's what I'm trained for. I can't stop thinking that if I'm unsuccessful then my adult life has been an embarrassing waste of time. Even if I did do good work then I'd be afraid to put myself out there.
Every day I fill my time with busy work; cleaning, cooking, internet, tv, exercise, research but never WORKING. I'm too scared to try. I'm trying to start a graphic novel but I can't remember the last time I put pencil to paper.
Please someone give me advice, I feel like I'm about to crack open and my useless brain is going to tumble out.

Anonymous 976

>>961
I wouldn't know. Maybe?
Unfortunately I can't afford therapy and similar things so maybe one day I'll know for sure. Until then I'm just trying to find ways to cope.

Anonymous 979

>>963
Spite, perhaps? Do you feel angry about how your mother parented you? Living well and independently is a good way to get revenge.

a thing I find comforting for my social anxiety when out and about in public is to remind myself that no one cares about me. It may seem counter intuitive to diminish yourself like this when trying to build your confidence, but real life is a lot more anonymous than you think. The things you're thinking about yourself are not what other people are thinking, they are thinking about themselves. Everyone is the main character in their own lives; the world doesn't revolve around you.

>>965
There are a couple of things you need to chill out about, and there are a couple of things your housemate needs to not do.

>Unfortunately, there are a few things that seem like it would be weird/unnecessarily difficult to separate. For example: trash bags, dish soap, and paper towels. Who pays for these items?

My housemates and I use the rule that if you are the person to finish the item, you have to replace it. Agree to buy the same brand, so you don't resent one another because you buy the expensive dish soap and they don't, for example. You just have to let the fact you use things at different rates go. I've lived with seven different groups of housemates over the past five years and you will come to resent something about them by the end of it, no matter who they are or how much they meet your standards initially. That's just what living with people is like, unfortunately.

Meat shouldn't be in the fridge uncovered and touching other things, you could ask her to use tupperware containers or freezer bags to keep her prepaired meat in.

But things touching things have have caused raw meat will not contaminate one another, nor will rinsing a chopping board whilst something else is in the sink. I work in a microbiology lab and can assure you that you're not going to die or get ill because your sponge touched something that touched something that had raw meat on it. Especially since you have a dishwasher! (Can I inquire about why you're using the sink at all if you have a dishwasher? It sounds like you're obsessively washing everything twice) I could understand your concerns if you had to hand wash everything with the sponge, but this is just ocd like paranoia, upsetting yourself over nothing. I'd advise trying to get over it for your own mental health because these kinds of neuroses tend to escalate when you feed into them.

Anonymous 980

>>979
>Can I inquire about why you're using the sink at all if you have a dishwasher? It sounds like you're obsessively washing everything twice

I tend to dishwash plates and silverware and hand wash pots and pans, cutting boards, measuring cups, etc. Mainly because pots and pans take up a lot of space in the dishwasher, so we'd have to run the dishwasher like every other night if we used it for that, which… idk, growing up we preferred to run the dishwasher as little as possible so I still have that impression.

That being said, if it had raw meat on it I still put it in the dishwasher because the dishwasher probably does a better job sterilizing things than I could by hand.

Since the dishwasher doesn't always get all the food off of dishes on its own, and we run the dishwasher about once a week, we still have to rinse everything before putting it in the dishwasher so that there's not food caked onto the dishes when we take it out and so that there's not rotting food sitting around in the dishwasher for a week.

Does that make sense? Is my dishwashing system just totally backwards in the first place? Given that I hand wash my pots and pans and stuff, is it more reasonable that I'm worried about these things? Or is it still totally fine and I'm just being paranoid?

Anonymous 981

>>980
>Does that make sense? Is my dishwashing system just totally backwards in the first place? Given that I hand wash my pots and pans and stuff, is it more reasonable that I'm worried about these things? Or is it still totally fine and I'm just being paranoid?

Your dishwashing system makes absolutely no sense what so ever lol. You should run the dishwasher as much as you need to to clean all of your dishes, in my bfs house they run it every night because there's four of us when I stay. It's supposed to be a labour saving device and the system you're using is creating more work for you, you're using it to wash the easy items and handwashing all the difficult ones! May as well not have a dishwasher if you're going to do it like that. It also uses less water than hand washing so it's better for the environment too. Soaking pots and pans beforehand can definitely help if it doesn't always get all the food off though.

Anonymous 982

>>981
hmm, well that's fair, although my roommate also seems to have grown up with the "handwash pots and pans and dishwash plates" so I'm not sure I'm keen on changing that bit.

Given that we're doing it the way we're doing it, is it reasonable to be concerned about meat contamination to sponges and stuff?

Anonymous 983

>>982
>Given that we're doing it the way we're doing it, is it reasonable to be concerned about meat contamination to sponges and stuff?

Probably not, no. I use the same sponge to clean everything, and I regularly eat meat that is out of date. It's more important that they're sterilised and replaced regularly. But I don't know anyone who actually sterilises their sponges.

honestly though googling the advice for food safety is pretty terrifying - they're stricter than the standards I have to work in when handling actual bottles full of e.coli and plates covered in all kinds of nasty bacteria.

Anonymous 986

>>983
Food safety is stricter because you're not eating out of e.coli test tubes or whatever. And lawsuits.

>>982
I didn't even grow up with a dishwasher, but I still know that if you have caked on food bits after running it, you're not doing a good enough job rinsing the plates beforehand. If your dishwasher sucks that bad, just handwash everything.

>>965
>Or, if I'm soaking something in the sink, she'll rinse something that had raw meat on it without moving the thing I was soaking. To me that's horrifying because it's been contaminated now,
This sounds psycho to me, if you're soaking to wash? you're going to wash it anyway.

>then gone to sleep with it still on which is really really dangerous

Not really, especially if it was a low temp. People leave their ovens on for 7+ hours to cook food (meat) all the time. If ovens caught on fire after hour 3, no one would attempt a roast dinner.

Jesus, I hope her situation works out for her quickly. I can't imagine living with such a paranoid autist.

Anonymous 996

>>966
Well, problem is that public transport is very expensive where i live and i have barely any money (and with very shitty times, (a train arriving 1 hour late or a "later" train arriving before the train that was supposed to be here at this hour is "normal", which contributes to me dropping spaghetti with public transport)) + i live in a small town that has nothing in it other than crime and drugs and you have to get into an 1 hour train to go to the interesting, actually fun, city because everything in between is dangerous dead shitty towns where you are likely to get mugged or stabbed if you are a woman going alone, shit sucks and contributes to my scaredness.

But either way, that sounds like very good advice for when i have money and can travel to the city, i will try it out and hopefully it will work out in helping me further improve myself.
Thank you so much!

>>979
>Spite, perhaps? Do you feel angry about how your mother parented you? Living well and independently is a good way to get revenge.

Oh yeah, i hate everything she has done to me and would love to show her i am okay being independent, sadly she fucked up my brain from the moment i was born but believes that her parenting is top notch just cause she buys me things and i don't do drugs. Every time i confront her, it comes back to that and i get 0 improvement or communication from her. She actually complains about me not "adult-ing" and says she had nothing to do with how i turned out (kek) and brushes off any of my points about over-protecting, which sucks when you try to confront the shit that makes you be this way to hopefully improve.

But spite sounds like a good tool.
I've actually been following the advice you gave for a few years now, the whole fake it till you make it thing, and it ended up helping me not being scared of people's opinions and not giving a shit about them.
However, the problem is not people and their judgement, as i don't care about them, the problem is that i perceive every situation where i am alone as a dangerous situation that will end in my murder and get anxious to the point where i can't function, the "fake it till you make it and don't give a shit" didn't work with that, unfortunately.
However, it is amazing advice for anyone who deals with people anxiety.

Anonymous 997

>>996
You honestly need to force yourself to get used to the 1 hour train ride. Do it gradually. Eventually go 5 days a week. Clearly you'll end up there for job hunting in the long run, so best to get used to it asap.

No one cares that other people exist in the big city. Your mother is just self-important and wishes that people cared about her or her kid so she brainwashed you to think you guys matter more than you do. In reality, no one really notices your existence.

You need to find a way to save up money for the commute, maybe even a simple part time job in the city is all you need to get you into the habit of commuting + gaining financial and social independence. Unfortunately, you'll never acquire the money and social connections to leave your mother if you don't force yourself to get ahead of her. You don't want to be at the mercy of someone who will keep you from self-fulfillment and sabotage your chances at success/happiness.


Many women use their children to validate their failures and push their fears onto them so they don't live a lone and void existence. You deserve to break free from the mental prisons she place you into.

Anonymous 999

>>986
>Food safety is stricter because you're not eating out of e.coli test tubes or whatever. And lawsuits.

I was looking at the recommendations for people cooking in their homes, not industry or catering standard stuff.

Like, even the stuff about the sponges seems mental to me. We only change the sponge when it's actually falling apart lol.

Anonymous 1007

For the first time in my life I'm making a big effort to be compassionate towards myself. I feel that there isn't enough time for me to please everyone, but my friends get annoyed if I can't do things with them or bail, or even if I don't reply fast enough.

I've always been bad at replying and seeing people and my friends often make jokes about how "enigmatic" I am. But now the time I would of been spending crying in bed I want to use working on myself and my hobbies (a lot of this is independent stuff).

I have an bad habit of doing too much for people so I'm trying to find a right balance but I can't seem to do it. I either self-sabotage and plan my life around seeing others or I just shouldn't have any friends it seems.

Sorry if I seem insane, my heads mega muggy.

Anonymous 1041

>>1007
You seem to need better friends.
Take it slow anon, it's a big step in your life and it will take some time to get it right and used to it. Just keep going, you'll figure it out.

Anonymous 1045

>>999
Okay I think some of the worry about cross contamination in other posts is a bit much, but
> We only change the sponge when it's actually falling apart lol.
That's nasty.

Anonymous 1082

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I'm stuck in a really bad depression rut, it feels like there's nobody that actually understands what's going on in my life. I sit around feeling negative, constant suicidal thoughts.

I think I'm doing something wrong with my friends but I don't know what.

Anonymous 1099

This guy that I rejected has been periodically bothering me since January and just today he started catfishing me. His typing style is exactly the same + he tried something similar before so I'm 100% positive that it's him. Right now I'm torn between confronting him about it or just playing along and trying to get him to expose himself. I know the first option is the bigger, more mature thing to do, but he's such a royal pratt that I kinda want to embarrass him like he's trying to do to me. What do you guys think I should do?

Anonymous 1101

Zd7JRh0.gif

>>1099
You know what we want.

Anonymous 1103

>>1099
Just delete his ass. It's suspicious that he's trying to bait you to begin with.

Anonymous 1104

>>1099
Let him make a fool of himself. How is he even trying to catfish you?

Anonymous 1118

>>1101
winky face emoji
>>1104
He has my Snapchat username and added me under the new account after I blocked his main last week. I'll probably just end up blocking this account too.

Anonymous 1119

>>1099
Eh, if it was me I wouldn't allow him to take another second of my time away from me. I'd just block him.

Anonymous 1124

How do I stop being silly? I’ve started taking CS classes and while I’ve been the top/close to the top of the class in the courses I’ve taken, I can’t help but feel vastly inferior and not “good enough” compared to my classmates in the same position/my bf/people like my bf who have had 10+ years of work/training/study in the stuff. Conceptually I know it’s ridiculous to compare myself to people who simply have had more time to gain their experience, but I still can’t help but feel like a moron if I want to recount my small successes to my bf. He’s been nothing but happy and supportive of me with this, so it is totally out of reason.

I’m totally fine with anything else I’m just learning or a beginner at. I don’t know why CS triggers such feelings of inferiority in me.

Anonymous 1127

>>1124
I'm not sure if this is actually true, but every single young female programmer I know (including myself) seems to carry this deep paranoia that we're not real programmers. Even those of us with programming careers just think we're tricking everyone and are bound to be fired any day.

Realizing this has really cleared my head of these thoughts and allowed me to focus on my projects, networking, and interview skills. Even if it doesn't seem like it (my parents actively wanted me to go into a tech field since I was a kid) as women we're still at a disadvantage, and basically need to work twice as hard if we want to be taken seriously. But… I have a feeling most women in tech weren't ever looking to half ass it anyway, so let's give it all we got!

Did you see the programming discord from a while back? It's kind of inactive but I'd love to revive it

Anonymous 1130

>>1127
I'm in that discord, but don't post in it because of my insecurities. I actually feel worse around other females in CS.

I have a truly toxic mentality around the whole field (I either put women in tech on an untouchable pedestal I’ll never meet or disparage them as attention whores and fakes) and I’m super ashamed about it that I can’t talk to women who are probably experiencing the same things. I joined the discord to see women in tech more naturally, but since it’s pretty dead it doesn’t help much.

I had an in person final for my online programming class yesterday and was able to talk more neutrally with some of the other women there, and that helped a lot. I think i just need more exposure to less toxic (re: online) views to help me feel more secure. I just hate myself for even being in this position.

Anonymous 1135

>>1130
That was absolutely me a few years ago. The fact that you're even having these thoughts and doubts is a good thing, trust me. Before I shed those toxic views I wouldn't allow myself to have any aspirations of becoming much of anything.

Let's chat in discord sometimes. Maybe I'll try to set up a weekly check in for everyone's personal projects or some project we can all work on together?

Anonymous 1138

>>1135
I'll post in it. I'm still a noob so I don't have any separate projects but I have some ideas I want to pursue.

Anonymous 1160

Before I hang out with anyone, I get so much fucking anxiety. I can't move, my stomach hurts, and I feel dizzy. I feel like any conversation I have with anyone while I feel like this will end up with me in tears. It's not that I don't want to hang out with anyone, I actually really do, I just get SO ANXIOUS. I really don't know how to handle it or how to not make myself feel this way but I just don't know what to do. I know if I stay home and cancel my plans I'll feel better but I do not want to do that.

Anonymous 1161

anyone have tips to recover from an mental/emotional abusive relationship? was in one for almost four years, and i'm having nightmares about it. i broke up w/ him recently but struggling to get on my feet and proceed with life.

Anonymous 1162

>>1161
The first tip is that it's going to take a really, really long time to recover fully. Even years later, you're probably still going to find new ways that the relationship is still impacting you. It's going to get frustrating and tired and old, but you've got to just accept it, and learn from it, and be thankful that acknowledging it, even years later, means you're moving on a little bit more.

The second tip, is I think you should try really hard to focus on learning how to value yourself. When I left my (also 4 years long) emotionally abusive relationship, my self worth was probably somewhere in the negatives, and it caused me to rebound to someone similarly abusive. You have value. You have worth. Don't let someone take advantage of you because you can't see that.

The third tip, is that at this point in time you may find yourself feeling like you miss your abuser, or like you miss the relationship dynamic in general. This is absolutely normal, and it does not mean that you deserved what you got, and it absolutely does not mean that you should go back. Even if you have strong urges to seek that kind of relationship again, or sabotage your new relationships into something like that, you've got to treat it like any other kind of self harm and just let it pass and not act on it. In some ways, emotionally abusive relationships are much easier, right? You don't have to make decisions for yourself, so you never have to worry about whether you're doing the right thing or not. There's a lot of constant validation that you're meaningful, in between the abuse. Sometimes even as a direct result of the abuse. There would have to be, in order to keep you around. But, it's not worth what you're giving up. You can find all those feelings and more to such a greater depth in a truly loving and caring relationship. And you definitely deserve that.

Finally, aside from building yourself up, take this time to focus on your platonic friendships, especially with other women. You've probably burnt a lot of bridges lately, but if you're honest with people - that you're sorry for cutting them out of your life and not listening to them, and that you only did it because of the horrible situation you were in - a lot of them will be way more forgiving than you'd expect. Don't expect them to trust you again right away, especially if the abuse made you kind of a piece of shit towards them (like it did for me) but, whatever level of forgiveness and friendship they offer you, take it and do your best to let it grow. You'll find that having close friendships where you can confide details of your life is one of the greatest protections you can grant yourself against future abuse.

Let me know if you have any questions or want to chat more privately about this, since I feel like I've been through something very similar. I can give you a throwaway email address and we can exchange contacts.

Anonymous 1163

>>1162

it's extremely tough. I've been trying to build my friendships, but still struggling to do some things for myself as well. I appreciate the advice.. would like to talk about it more since it seems we've gone through something similar.

1164

>>1163
cool, send me whatever contact info you wanna use. Discord is best for me but I can do email or whatever too.

You're gonna get through this. The scariest part is already behind you.

Anonymous 1166

>>1164
id is 0x65, # is eight two nine six

Anonymous 1191

image.jpeg

>>975
Sorry, could you please tell more about the university? Was it hard to enroll at? Were your initial skills good?
I just finished studying in a drawing school, but I don't feel like it has given me anything (no theory, little graphics, some students were just copying photos and everyone thought it was ok). I try to learn on my own, but I keep getting everything wrong and almost lack any progress.
And now I need to choose a university, and I've always wanted to be an artist, but it seems I don't stand a chance. Everyone around me keeps improving, while all i can do are literally deviant art tier scribbles. I keep trying, but I feel lost and insecure and doubt i'll manage to achieve anything at all.

Anonymous 1267

I've been working to overcome crippling depression and become a full adult, but I'm worried that I'm taking on too many things at once.

>building up self care and hygiene habits

>throwing myself into a job search to begin my career (multiple networking events per week, two job interviews lined up next week, spending my free time building portfolio projects and studying for interviews)
>seeing a psychiatrist soon about possible medication
>trying to get better understanding of my body/sexuality and stuff

The hygiene habits will pair well with all of these, and if it gets to stressful I'll just put the sexuality stuff on hold and continue being uncomfortable being naked or having sex for a while longer, but I'm really worried about possibly starting medication just as I'm getting started at a new job, especially as someone who's new to the field (or jobs in general). It just feels like a disaster waiting to happen, but both (probably) need to happen, and both kind of need to happen ASAP. Halp?

Anonymous 1293

This is going to sound tinfoil hat level crazy but:

Is it possible to verify that your date graduated with the degree they say they did? I know the better advice is just "if you feel like you have to verify you shouldn't date them" but please help a sister out.

Anonymous 1312

>>1267
Sounds like you've got a good plan.

It seems like you're aware depression medication can have serious side effects. Just keep that in mind if it makes you feel worse (and if that's the case, contact your doctor asap). For me, I was having difficulties staying awake when my doctor moved me up to a higher dose.

Just set multiple alarms, do your best, and don't be afraid to ask for help. I also recommend dry shampoo for those days you may not be able to bother with a shower but still need to look professional.

You've got this, anon. You're doing everything right.

Anonymous 1323

>>1312
Thanks. I feel a little bit more at ease too because I went to another event at one of the companies I'm interviewing with, and there was a guy there who was really honest about his depression being the main reason he hadn't worked in about a year, and after hearing that the guy still asked him if he'd be interested in interviewing there. Obviously I can't totally relax, but I feel more confident that it's the kind of work environment where if I was getting fucked by new meds I could actually tell them it's what was going on. If I'm already working there when I start them it may even be possible for me to tell my boss in advance, so it's kind of already on the table.

I do feel like I'm capable of pushing through at the moment, so if it's an option for me to wait to start taking them, I wonder how long I should wait? It definitely would seem crazy to be asking my boss any favors in the first week on the job if I can avoid it, right?

Anonymous 1338

I'm going to be moving out soon and have no Idea how to message people on craigslist for room sharing.

I'm a couple looking for a room and I've written up a thing that starts with this bassically
"We're a couple looking to move in, We're both 18 and looking to go to college. We want to rent out a room to save money and work."

Then it goes into a short paragraph about the both of us.

Is this wrong? Someone told me I should never "apply together" but I need to move in with him and I'm afraid if I don't apply together that one of us will get accepted but not the other.

Anonymous 1341

>>1338
i don't think that's wrong, but i've never used craigslist. you could also post something like "young, hardworking quiet tidy couple in college looking to rent out a room" or something, maybe even specify a budget. people might message you!

Anonymous 1382

has anyone here ever tried ashwagandha supplements for anxiety? has it helped at all? i'm contemplating whether or not i should buy these: https://www.amazon.com/Ashwagandha-Enhancer-Artichoke-Enhanced-Supplement/dp/B06XC9CZWN

Anonymous 1434

plCVgYKa.jpeg

*I know this is stupid, but do any of you have tips on how to reduce anxiety or at least how not get a tomato face when talking to others/in a group of strangers?*

I have a really really REALLY hard time to get into conversations, and when I do and the attention is on me, my face turns red, even if I'm talking normally/don't feel anxious. I don't understand why.

I'm trying to go from introvert to extrovert and a lot of people say "fake it 'til you make it" but how do you fake that? How do you fake something you "can't" really do? I just want to be chill with everyone, talk to them and want them to feel good around me, not awkward. I'm probably making a bigger deal out of it than it really is and the problem is on my side only + a slight amount of lower self confidence.


I just want to stop being a social retard.


Sorry for the crappy word salad.

Anonymous 1435

>>1434
Don't fake it and don't force yourself to be extroverted. Might sound silly but just be yourself.

It's all about your mindset. Try to realize how utterly unimportant that all is. How short your lifespan in regards to the Universe is and that in 100 years probably every conversation you ever held will be long forgotten.
The most important thing you should focus in life is that you feel good, and the rest is pretty much just a big joke. So when you have something to say, just say it because what goes through someone else's mind while hearing it in the end should be incredibly unimportant for you.

Anonymous 1446

>>1338
Some places will turn you away for being a couple but it's better to apply together and just avoid those places. I assume you guys want to move in to the same room to save rent anyhow, right? It'll be awkward if you try to apply separately and then do that. I've also only ever had that happen once and I've been living with my partner for years and we've moved twice already, not counting when I first move half move when I moved into the apartment he was already living in.

Just be sure to mention if you are employed, how clean you are, how often you have guests over, and how loud you might be. I'd say it's a safer bet to contact people who already have an apartment and are looking to fill a room than it is to try to find someone to get a new place with because you can visit the apartment and get a read on how they live now. It's not a guarantee that you'll get all the facts but it's a slightly smaller gamble than vetting people without seeing how they currently live and just relying on what they say.

Anonymous 1507

how does one get into a relationship? Im 20 and i still feel too young to date, doesn't help that Im not comfortable with my little kid body and Im also very scared of the idea of sex. Would ask friends but all of them are boyfriend-less virgins heh.

I think my inability to date partially stems from being so close to my parents, making me feel like I'm not supposed to be an adult and do adult things…I don't want them to have the mental image of me being a "woman" if that makes sense.

Anonymous 1521

can (hetero) men and women be platonic friends? i really enjoy the friendship men have to offer as well as female friendship. however, i just lost another male friend due to the whole "he's in love with me but I'm in a relationship" thing. it's gotten to the point where i could form a league of ex-male friends. is there something I can do to make my male friends stop catching feelings for me? i already keep some emotional distance, i don't flirt, and i treat them as i treat any other friend.

Anonymous 1523

>>1521
Just straight out tell him that you're not interested in him. It may sound harsh but if he really is your friend he would accept it and move on.

Anonymous 1536

>>1523
I already did, hence the having already lost him as a friend. Was just curious if anyone had a similar problem/advice.

Anonymous 1537

Oh great so now I have to worry about some hobo who's been using my elderly relatives hose to shower and fill up their water container for who knows how long. Do I not do anything and hope they don't rob and kill my relative? Do we put up a flood light and another camera and then hope they don't rob or kill us or torture the cat to death in retaliation? Good thing I live in a corrupt shithole city where the racist police will do absolutely nothing if I try to get them to help! :^)

Anonymous 1538

>>1507 You don't have to force yourself to get a relationship or lose your virginity if you don't think your ready yet. You can always try dating sites if you think you're ready.

>>1536 It sucks that you lost your friend because of this. I don't really have any advice, you could always try to ignore it but I don't think that will help.

Anonymous 1540

>>1536
Yeah I have the exact same experiences anon. It's to the point I've had a male room mate confess his love for me in the very first month I moved in (it was a big house with several roommates) or even my best friend of 5 years went on a rant about "i'm surprised we haven't fucked bla bla bla" even though everyone knows I've been in a relationship for 6 years now.

My general experience is that men view my existence as something to be conquered. Then they face the fact that they cannot conquer me nor influence me into changing my mind. When their manipulation tactics fail, they completely retreat.

That's not to say these aren't morally "good" people. Some of these dudes even consider themselves "feminists" and will side with their female friends against overtly abusive males. But they lack the insight and self-awareness to realize they treat females according to whether they expect to have success with them.

As someone in a long term relationship, who typically works full time (therefore very little spare time for friends), these types of dudes just kind of melt away constantly. I enjoy a variety of people and discussions but truth be told the only group of guys I really hang around or get along with are my boyfriend's friend group. First of all, they respect his intelligence and his opinion of me. So when they engage me in conversation, it's on equal footing (none of that pandering-to-m'lady shit). Secondly, they automatically know there's 0% chance of ever fucking me, and I believe that's the key to keeping a friendship with a straight male.

They need to understand that there's no chance whatsoever before they even begin to socialize with you. Because the moment they decide to socialize with a female, they're already considering whether they can succeed in conquering her. That's why they eventually pick up their bags and leave. They just realized it far too late.

Anonymous 1633

does anyone have advice on how to get better at small talk? My dad has been practicing by talking to strangers, but I was wondering if there's a different way since no way I'm going to talk to strangers, and small talk is usually for acquaintances anyway. Thanks in advance

Anonymous 1634

>>1633
Well personally I did 3 methods

1.reading lots of books and getting some stuff from there

2.'fake it till you make it'

3.Observing other conversaions

Anonymous 1660

>>1633 my advice is to find ways to get the other person to talk about themself. Act genuinely interested in what they have to say. If you can get someone to talk about something they're super passionate about you're deffo onto a winner because you will barely have to input anything, just essentially mirror what they say and seem super impressed. It also leaves them with a positive impression of you because a) you've been very attentive and pleasant and b) they've opened up to you; there's a load of psychology involved here.

If you're talking with acquaintances it'll be way easier to slip questions like "if you could only work 2 days a week, what would you do?" Into the conversation. This usually gets the ball rolling towards people's dreams/ambitions/passions etc.

Honestly listening is the most important skill a charismatic person can have. People often think it's all about dominating the conversation but it's really not. Also remember the things people say using association so next time you see them you can reference previous things mentioned! (I.e Sarah wants to open a coffee shop, I imagine Sarah in a coffee cup relaxing like it's a hot tub)

Anonymous 1673

>>1634
hmm How do you get into the "fake it till you make it" mode? I'm a quiet, blunt person so it's difficult for me to act like a different person. and when i do, i'm scared that people will label me as fake since i can only act friendly for a limited amount of time and a limited amount of people. if possible i definitely want to become a more cheerful, friendly person from the core

>>1660
I like this method! the fact that i don't have to carry the conversation is great haha

Anonymous 1678

>>1673
tbh I have a repertoire. I literally just say the same things about my job/major/life to different people, with small tweaks depending on the situation. I also recycle the same jokes and make notes of how people react to add to my list of shit I repeat to others. Most people react in the same way, so it's usually not a surprise. This is so I'm not spending time in my head worrying about what to say to people and can focus on what they're saying so I can ask questions to keep them talking instead of me.

These days I don't even have to pretend to be interested/impressed and have people just rambling on about their shit to me. As long as you keep your voice friendly for who you are (aka don't put on an opposite personality or try to be someone you're not) and don't say anything socially unsound, people are receptive.

Anonymous 1694

My bf got mad at me because I wanted an sweaterhe didn't like and i bought the sweater he didn't like despite his feelings. He said I don't take his feelings into consideration because I always buy clothes I like regardless of his opinion. I never buy revealing clothes or things like that. He also gets mad when I don't like things he wants me to wear. Today I told him to fuck off and I'll wear what I want. Am I being inconsiderate or was I doing the right thing?

Anonymous 1695

>>1694
>am I being inconsiderate or was I doing the right thing?
I think you already know the answer to this one Anon. Honestly your partner trying to control what clothes you put on your body is a massive red flag for me and something I personally wouldn't stand for, so your response is relieving. I'm not telling you to break up with him, but be careful, because that kind of controlling behaviour is usually a slippery slope towards something much worse. What kind of faggot gets mad because his girlfriend buys a fucking sweater he doesn't like?

Anonymous 1696

>>1694
If what you're wearing is appropriate then you did the right thing.

He's also a hypocrite if he gets mad at you when you do the same thing to him. Might want to point that out to him.

Anonymous 1740

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are there any steps to getting over social anxiety? maybe certain activities i can do? or at least i think i have social anxiety.

im a little bit better than when i was in H.S since i started my part time job, but now my job is another bubble im in. Every time i am in a new environment i have this feeling that i'm not supposed to be here. If there is a "fun" activity, i feel like im not supposed to have fun. After a semester is over, and i see some of my past classmates, i feel like im not supposed to interact with them. I'm kind of getting over not being able to eat in front of people (mostly by just giving up finishing my meal or getting small portions). I have this feeling that as long as i don't do anything, I won't get hurt. I also have this bad habit where I scream, hit myself, say "i want to die" because i remembered something stupid I did or thought lol

Most people's advice is to just force yourself into social situations and to just stop being shy, but it's a little too general for me to even know where to start.

Anonymous 1747

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>>1740
Because that's unfortunately how you do it - by putting yourself out there.

Start small since that shit is always overwhelming. Like, only comment on something, give someone a compliment, do small talk if you can, greet someone etc.

It will suck, but it's a step forward and you need to push yourself, because it won't just go away on it's own. Some of us don't "grow out of it". If you repeat it enough times it will become easier.

Maybe taking up a physical activity - running or just any type of exercise can help build self confidence and make it a bit easier? Or even talking to yourself in front of a mirror. Also, there are some youtube videos that talk about anxiety and how you should "change your view" so some situations will make you less anxious.

Anonymous 1796

>>1747
Thank you. I will try starting conversations with more of my classmates (school just started so that's why i was late to responding heh). I do think that maybe if i become more physically active, i will have less negative feelings and be more confident, so i'll try to have a more regular running routine as well.

Is there any particular way to feel less anxious around men? and to talk/be friends with them? I think i can manage starting convos with other girls, but guys i hardly talk to except for my teachers, dad, brother, and grandpas that come to my work. other than that i avoid men. I think on a subconscious level I am scared of them.

Anonymous 1797

>>1796
I actually have the same issue because I've been bullied during my entire education by men, well, boys, you just treat them like any other person. Sure, you might can't really talk to them about makeup or fashion or whatever, but every day topics like life and politics should be fine. Just remember that they are people and not really different from us.

Anonymous 1798

I'm not sure what to do about one of my friends.
On the other hand, she's fun to party with and we always get up to stuff I probably wouldn't do without her. She's also going through some pretty big troubles in life and I obviously want to be there for her and listen.
But then again she always seems to bring the worst out in me. I feel like almost every time we end up talking about some dark shit and it always fucks with my head. She also has a tendency to get violent at times. I don't really mind too much but I dunno, getting slapped, choked or getting my hair pulled isn't really what I'm looking for in a friendship.

What should I do? I know it might be best to distance myself from her but then again, we have really good times when we get together.

Anonymous 1800

>>1798 I have a similar thing to you anon, my friend can hit me and her other friends sometimes if she's annoyed but I'll usually be like don't do that and I know she feels bad about it.

If she's doing other stuff as well, like choking/pulling your hair, that's really beyond just someone with a temper problem lightly lashing out. She clearly has fucking issues man. Get out of there, there's more people out there who you can have fun with. You even said "she brings out the worst in me". Why are you being around someone who isn't encouraging you to become a better person? That's not a friend.

Anonymous 2449

rs7zvdJHq1s3g3xc_5…

how the fuck do you make friends in a new city? i moved to LA almost 7 months ago, and i've only made one real friend through a job that i've since quit. i work from my apartment now, so that rules out any more coworker friends. i've tried apps like bumble, but every time i start a convo with someone that i think could be cool, the convo falls flat.

my boyfriend, however, is a casual MTG player and has already made a bunch of friends just from playing at a store every so often.

i think part of it is my social anxiety making it hard for me to approach people out of the blue, but at the same time, i know i'm not trying hard enough to meet people. it's just frustrating going from having an amazing group of friends at home to having basically nothing out here.

if anyone has any tips, i would be super appreciative. it's really hard feeling like a friendless loser.

Anonymous 2452

>>2449 I was in a similar situation to you, and I found going to weird evening classes was kinda fun. They're usually full of people in similar boats too.

Anonymous 2484

Sometimes I get stressed about what my next day will be like when I'm having a busy week. I wonder if I'll have enough time for this and that and if I'll be able to to done thing and give myself enough time to submit work for classes. This bothers me at times to the point I can't sleep. What do you all do when stress messes with your sleeping? Sometimes getting up and walking around helps but not always. what else can I do?

Anonymous 2505

>>1694
I can understand him wanting you to wear something specific he likes, but being buttmad about it sounds stupid. I also think it's ridiculous for him to get mad about something you bought that he -doesn't- like, is he like embarrassed to be seen with you or something?

Anonymous 2552

I don't know how to make new friends. I've been recently dumped by my boyfriend and he ran off with his college clique and my friends are always occupied. I don't know what to do or how to move on or where to start. I just wanna feel at peace again.

Anonymous 2561

>>2484
Man I relate to this A LOT.
I still have the issue of not being able to sleep due to a busy day the next day, but I do have some ~remedies~
About an hour and a half before I want to go sleep I'll start winding down
This means I'll set restrictions on what I'll do in order to make sure I remove all the stressy thoughts from my mind and just focus on myself and sleeping. Usually I'll spend time browsing forums or reading various articles. Sometimes I'll even play a video game (I reccomend animal crossing, the music and relaxed atmosphere makes me really tired). I'll do pretty much anything in this half hour that does not involve associating myself with "the real world" or reminders that I have a shitton of work to do the next day. For example in this half hour I won't text any of my irl friends or anyone associated with my busy day. I also won't check social media either.
To sum it all up, in order to fall asleep and avoid stress I just focus on little activities before bed that help me fall asleep.
My only problem is that the thing that usually wakes me up in the morning is my stress thoughts lol.

Anonymous 2593

a6d4d4a4ac8bd259ef…

I recently graduated college and had to move back in with my parents. Shit has hit the fan here between them, and I can't handle it and feel like I shouldn't even be here. For some reason it makes me feel physically ill when they fight. I don't know if I've made things worse by moving back in. I keep to myself and try to stay out of their way but idk. Pretty sure they're getting divorced, but I feel like they both know that's what's best for them. They've never even really liked each other. For some reason I can't bring myself to be sad about it. Maybe I'm just numb to it. Deep down I know this will probably hit me hard at some point despite me being an adult now.

But on my end I just feel like I need to get out of their hair. They have enough going on. Basically I need to get out of here as soon as possible. Like now. I'm not even sure if there will be a 'here' next month. I just started a new job that doesn't pay well at all, haven't even received my first paycheck, no savings. Has anyone ever worked as an Uber or Postmates driver? I'm looking to make extra cash when I'm off the clock, and those are the only things I'm seeing that are reasonable options. But I've heard a lot of people say it isn't worth it because you don't make nearly enough money to justify your gas/general vehicle maintenance costs.

I had luck looking for rooms on craigslist during college, but I can't even afford to do that yet. I just need to start making money as soon as possible so I can start saving. I'm still looking for higher paying jobs and applying to places despite my current job. Does anybody have any advice or any experience like this? Fuck I just don't know.

Anonymous 2596

>>953
I'm currently working 15 hours while averaging 16-18 bucks and attending classes. So I average about 800-700 monthly. Instead of saving it all, should I put half into cryptocurrency? I'm not trying to be a millionaire, I just want to make enough to pay for college and a car when time comes.

Would I be throwing away my money? :/ I wanna invest, knowing that I could triple my saving by throwing it into lite coin, ethereum or bitcoin makes me want to do it…

Anonymous 2601

>>2596
Don't put forth more than you're willing to lose. Remember that anything you make is taken directly from someone else, and vise versa. If you don't pay electricity just mine it and do small trades to get a feel for it. I lost 900$ when the Gov't took BTC-E

Anonymous 2607

>>2552
it is fucking HARD. I'm not a total weirdo or socially inept or anything, I'm charismatic enough but I haven't been very successful at making friends. This is probably why people settle into lackluster relationships. I'm currently seeing a guy that also doesn't have any friends (moved here from abroad) and its just OK, we don't always have a lot to talk about and chemistry is lacking but neither of us has anyone else so we continue to see each other out of resignation.

Anonymous 2608

>>2449
oh shit anon I'm in LA as well

Its a hard city tbh, it is hard to meet people in your car and the distances don't help.

Anonymous 2622

>>2608
>>2449
LA, as with any big city, has some pretty good social opportunities (imo). I suggest going to places that correspond with your interests (ex: concerts, museums, book stores, the beach, bars, etc.) as a way to socialize yourself and potentially meet people (it seems like >>2449 's boyfriend has already kinda done something like this). If you go a few times you'll start to see the same few people there and possibly form a bond (it's happened to me at various concerts). The only problem would be that some people who have lived in the same place for awhile already have established friend groups and such, and can be kinda iffy about letting in a new person.
My only other piece of advice to give you would be to just enjoy yourself and not rely on others for fun. I know that doing activities with big groups of friends can be fun, but it can even be limiting at times. I suggest just go out and see what LA has to offer (become a ~tourist~) and maybe you'll find yourself with a group of people soon.
gl anon!

Anonymous 2628

>>2450
>>2452
>>2622
friendless LA op here, thanks guys! since my bf's gotten a job i have more time to explore the city on my own, so i'm going to try to branch out. wish me luck.

>>2608
sup anon, let's be friends

Anonymous 2651

>>2607
Sounds hard anon, I'm a NEET and don't know where to start to talking to people. Online friends maybe? Even then I'm not sure. My ex was someone I really relied on and we were there for each other. But once he went back to college he became distant and he broke it off. I go back to college myself in the spring semester and we go to the same school. I just don't want to start alone.

Anonymous 2677

>>2628
Anon I'd love to be IRL friends. I'm in the Valley, you?

Anonymous 2683

I've asked for advice about this on LC but have only received 1 or 2 very vague responses, so I'll ask here.

Basically, I'm seeing someone who I met up with for the first time a few weeks ago. We've met up a few times so far (he lives in another city), mostly weekends and once during the week.
I've only been in one ltr of 5 years, and before that a relationship of 4 months, and my long time ex was a LOT more open and communicative than my current bf.
Now, I'm also a bit suspicious myself, and having little experience with dating, sex etc I tend to be careful around new people for fear of getting hurt. I'd say overall I don't have much to worry about, but I'm always scared of that possibility that he's just using me as a fuckbuddy or seeing me because he can't get anyone else.

I'd really like some anons' input on him as a person. I've asked my mum and ex (who I'm friendly with and have helped him with girl trouble in the past), both of them said he sounds sus and advised me to dump him, but I haven't told them everything and I'd like a neutral party's opinion:

>We met on the internet, through discord

>Irl he's kind of awkward and clumsy, doesn't have a lot of friends
>Doesn't seem to know how to talk to women (makes a lot of awkward jokes and tries to 'banter' a lot, has only called me pretty twice and complimented my body a few times but is otherwise quite nice)
>On discord he talks to me as if to a buddy with occasional hearts and calling me cute
>Was a NEET for a few months until he met me, immediately enrolled into university (here you get accepted unconditionally and tuition fees are low) and is moving north for a few months
>Calls me his gf, but has also asked me "why we have to put labels on our relationship, why not just enjoy it for what it is". When I protested and looked unhappy he said he was just 'being philosophical'.
>Lived with his mum until recently, has not told her he is seeing anyone because 'it's awkward', but says she suspects anyway. Does not tell her much to begin with.
>The times we've meet he kept suggesting buying booze, but has stated he doesn't want to pressure me or anything. Could be bc of his awkwardness.
>Gave me his jumper.
>Has slept with 4 girls in total, lost his virginity at 16 to a girl he met online. When I said I would've been scared if it was more due to STDs, he went and got tested the next morning (?). Has not pressured me into sex, says he wants it to happen naturally.
>Has never been in a relationship longer than 4 months, said he 'used to be' scared of commitment. Whenever I bring it up he emphasises the 'used to'.
>We talk every day but he usually only messages me in the evening if I don't msg first, if I ignore him for a while he'll pop up and ask if everything is ok.
>Very reserved, doesn't seem as smitten as my ex was when we first started dating, kind of reserved on discord but affectionate in person
>Saw he posted in the speed dating thread on /soc/ when I did a background check, he described himself as "open to new experiences" and "okay with most people who aren't too clingy". He confirmed this.
>Talked about moving in together, doing his courses online after this year
>When I told him he's a little emotionally distant and it's hard for me to trust someone completely in an LDR, he was really insistent that he liked me more than anyone else he's met before and how we have so much in common yadda yadda
>Says holding hands and PDA in front of young people in public is 'awkward' (?), but will do it at all other times and usually embraces me whenever we're taking the metro together
>Doesn't really talk about his emotions unless I insist on it. Is very vague and can sometimes be callous with his 'banter'.
>Jokingly called me 'annoying' and 'such a child' when I gave him a hickey on the neck (but he did it to me as well, even though I said no myself). Doesn't mind the ones he can hide with a T-shirt. When I said he was being rude he apologised.
>Immediately minimises his discord group chat, SMS messages (to mum, from what I could glean), etc when I'm around.

I honestly don't know if he's a Mr Darcy-type character or just a fuckboy being vague on purpose to string me along. Sometimes I see posts on instagram about guys doing something close to what he does and get nervous, but to me he doesn't seem completely suspicious, yet.
Thanks for reading my novel, sorry for the long post but I'm fairly inexperienced and dk what to do.

Anonymous 2700

547838default.jpg

so i may have fucked up big time and this is probably half venting half asking for advice but boy dont i need it

2 days ago i went drinking with a male friend that i have know for 6 years, we where actually supposed to met with a third friend who is a childhood friend of him but in the end he didnt show up but we went for it anyway, by the fourth beer i was feeling kinda buzzed and happy and honestly can't remember half the things we said only that when he came back from the bathroom he seated himself next to me instead of how we where before with him across to me, by that i was already on my sixth beer so fuck it i told him i found his childhood friend attractive, he told me he cared a lot for a mutual friend of us like a lot, somehow that led me to say : hey a poly relationship between him, mutual friend and me would be pretty ok wich he enthusiastically agreed, then what i believe are 10 minutes of missing conversation because next thing i remember we where laughing and he was getting closer and closer to my face so i closed the distance and we started making out

the black out starts again and somehow im in his shared flat and i just go straight to his bed as we have always shared the bed platonically so it was almost automatic, we ended up making out some more and when thing were starting to get more heated up and i was without underwear i got my first moment of clarity
>fuck hes got a girlfriend of 4 years
thankfully i was already lying in bed so i started to feign being asleep, he still tried to get it going but in the end desisted except once in a while he would try to make out once again

By the next morning i didnt really remember much except when we had breakfast with the person he rents the flat with, which i may add is a friend of his girlfriend, and suddenly while talking about how we didnt remember how we came back i started to remember, i kept shut as i thought talking about that right there would be a bad decision

Thing is my friend haven't tried to talk about it at all, i do remember clearly that in a moment of the conversation in the morning the flat friend said he heard some noises in the morning in which he got really tense and got silent for a moment until he said it was him probably snoring, so i think he maybe remembers??

In any case i feel awful, hes got a girlfriend and not only tried to have sex with me but implied to have a romantic feeling to another person and worse of all i dont know if we should talk about it or not, on one side im really selfish and dont want to fuck up our 6+ year friendship which has helped me a lot, on the other i feel bad about the girlfriend and i really think she should know about this

i never thought someone could fuck up this bad "OTL

Anonymous 2702

>>2700
Best option in my opinion is that you should stop talking with him. He's a piece of shit friend, bf and probably human being too. Do you want to keep feeling guilty or do the right thing which would probably be booting his ass? I mean the real ~right thing~ to do would be telling his girlfriend but I know you most likely won't, which is understandable, but dropping him for good is probably the second most decent thing you could do. Sorry if it's hard and if doesn't let you keep your friendship, but I'm just being honest with we're talking about friendship, honesty and loyalty – and your mental health too in the end.

Anonymous 2705

>>2700
Tell the gf. He sounds utterly horrible.

Anonymous 2718

1408850998555.jpg

>>2552
Same anon here, I tried reconnecting with my old best friend and things went well at first but it kinda went to shit real fast. Now I got roped in a bad situation and I don't know what to do.

>Find out she has an abusive boyfriend

>He comes and finds out and starts yelling at her in front of me
>Defend her, try to calm both of them down
>He threatens me

Next day she tells me she doesn't wanna talk to me and how she doesn't think her boyfriend is innocent but she needs a break even though that was the first time she hung out with me in months since she got with him

Plus
>Go on snapchat
>They're acting like never happened and she's never seen with anyone else only him

I'm so concerned and heartbroken.

Anonymous 2743

>>2683
definitely a sketchy situation, anon. sometimes people take a while to open up. however, if you have to pester him to share his emotions, then that's annoying as hell and not promoting a healthy relationship. if you really really like & trust him, then i think you need to have a looong convo with him laying your cards out on the table (preferably in person? if possible). fully express what would make you feel most comfortable & secure in this LDR. if he can't at least meet you halfway/if he makes dumb excuses, dump his ass. he might be using you for attention or he's just desperate for a relationship in general; for your sake I really hope not. good luck anon

>>2700
it's gonna be uncomfortable as shit, but imo you should talk to him about what the fuck happened before you decide whether or not to drop him as a friend. definitely be wary around him though, he might be trying to use you as a side piece.

>>2677
i'm around the beverly hills area, totally down for friendship though! throwaway discord name for contact purposes: 204050#4373

Anonymous 2744

>>2743
sent you a friends request, we will see how badly LA traffic will scheme to prevent (yet another) friendship

Anonymous 2761

>>2743
Novel anon here, thanks so much for the response. I had a long chat with my dad and male friend and both of them said he sounds really socially awkward and that could be why he's behaving this way, and that they originally reacted the way they did because I made it sound really dire.
I kind of snapped at him during the weekend because he didn't answer all day because his battery died, and he got super offended that I think he's being sketchy and said he was tired. However, he did agree to try a bit harder to open up if I can be a little less suspicious, and today he felt really bad complaining about his living arrangements and was worried about me when I said I was out of money.
When we were arguing he just kept repeating 'I'm really shy, I'm really shy' which I don't doubt but idk. A lot of it is due to misunderstandings since he takes a while to 'get' things. He also brought me a bag full of books last time we met.
Idk, I'll wait and see. He seems to be telling the truth but I'll be on my toes.

Anonymous 2776

My SO and I've started a communication break for a couple of weeks. Unless there's an emergency, we won't talk or see each other at all until Halloween. I think it's going to be a good way to rekindle some fading passion, even if only temporarily.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and worked through it or tried what we're trying?

Anonymous 2805

>>2776
Whats the reason for the break?

Anonymous 2845

me.jpg

>>953
My ex and I are back in contact after being no contact for 2 years. He's the one who initiated the breakup, and he had broken up with me before that too. We've been hanging out and hooking up, but he hasn't said a word on if he wants to get back together or not, even though he talks about us moving in together. Tonight he was drunk and called me and went on and on about how big one of my friend's boobs are, which made me very self conscious because I'm a AA cup (basically a flat chest). He was like "I JUST WANT BOOBS IN MY FACE" but I can't provide that for him because of how small I am. Anyways, this isn't the first time he's done this, as he was drunk a different time and went on and on about how hot my best friend was and how he would fuck her given the chance.

To me, he sounds non-monogamous, and I've talked to him before but he was like "No, I'm very monogamous, it's about finding the right person, and I think I've found her (talking about me)." But like, WTF?? Why does he find my friends more attractive than me? Like, I feel like he needs to find someone who he's attracted to physically and mentally, because I strongly believe he's just attracted to me mentally (I'm very very ugly, people have mistaken me for a man several times).

I just don't know what to do. We have great times together, he buys me things and is very thoughtful and says sweet things to me. We travel together and some of the best vacations I've ever been on were with him. But the above paragraphs honestly just makes me want to kill myself. I don't find any other men attractive except for him and I'm in love with him. Other men never find me attractive except obese men or homeless/drug addicts. I'm old and it's slim pickins these days, but I don't want to be alone either and I want a family. I have no idea what to fucking do and I'm crying again.

Anonymous 2850

>>2845

That's not the way a decent, normal person acts. You say you want a family, but being stuck in a marriage where your husband hurts you, probably cheats, and is an asshole isn't a family, it's a nightmare. If you two had kids do you honestly think they would be happy seeing him treat you that way and eventually finding out that he cheats? Fuck no. The "can't find other men attractive" thing is just dependance messing with you because you're in a shitty, uneven relationship. You need to cut contact again and never go back. And maybe after you've recovered for a while, not being so judgemental and giving some of these "obese" guys a chance would probably be good, especially if you're as ugly as you say.

Anonymous 2851

>>2845
You say you are old - how old are you Anon?
I only ask because I feel like you're probably younger than I am, in which case, you have nothing to worry about in terms of starting a family, women are having kids far later these days, because at the end of the day we would rather be in a position to raise them right.
You are clearly not in that position in terms of your relationship or your emotional maturity.
Get away from that sack of shit of a dude, because I can tell you, once you've been NC for enough time, you will wonder why you ever bothered with him. As the Anon above me stated - dependance is messing with your head. You will also be chemically attached to him, to breaking things of will feel shit initially but it;s the best thing you can do for your future and your own self confidence. Best of luck, girl.

Anonymous 2883

1503190030111.jpg

>>2850
I spend a lot of time in the gym. I'm 5'7" and 120lbs, am I not even worthy of someone who takes care of themselves like I do? Fuck this comment made me even more sad. I went two years of no contact with my ex before he called me up again and I missed him and thought about him every day. I don't think I can live without him.

>>2851
I'm 27. People say that by the time you're 30 you're going to have retarded or low IQ children. I want to raise my children right though. It's just not fair.

I was NC for two years and still thought about him all the time. How long is "enough time"? :(

Anonymous 2884

>>2883

>I spend a lot of time in the gym. I'm 5'7" and 120lbs, am I not even worthy of someone who takes care of themselves like I do?


Maybe not spend so much time at the gym then? I mean, the reality is is most people end up with people close to them in terms of attractiveness. If you're as ugly as you say you are, you can either try to find another 2/10 skelly or go for the fat guy with the prettiest face. Either one will probably be a happier and healthier relationship them what you're currently in, which is the most important thing.

>I missed him and thought about him every day.

>I don't think I can live without him.

Because you feel the pressure to settle down and because you had nothing else going on. It's just the dependency. You might need help coping, and that's okay, go to therapy for a while.

Anonymous 2889

1494651773656.png

>>2884
why would i not want to spend time in the gym? everyone should work out. you're basically validating my original comment in the sense that i don't deserve anything on my level, i deserve worse. if my partner is being a lazy fat shit, and i'm a gym person who likes to hike, you think i'm going to be happy?

aside from that though, do you think i should tell him that i don't deserve him then and just end things? i do have a lot going on btw, i go to gymnastics, skateboard, hike, play piano and cello in an orchestra, poledance, go to poker tournaments, and more. none of that takes away my natural desire to want to take care of someone i love and am on the same level with. but you're basically telling me i deserve worse with someone who puts no effort in themselves.

Anonymous 2890

>>2889

>my partner is being a lazy fat shit, and i'm a gym person who likes to hike, you think i'm going to be happy?


I'm assuming your ex hiked with you and you're miserable, sssoooo….

>aside from that though, do you think i should tell him that i don't deserve him then and just end things?


I'm confused. All these extra curricular actives make you such hot shit you're too good for a theoretical fat guy who would actually support and respect you, but they do nothing to make you good enough for your shitty, red-flag throwing ex? Lol yikes, girl, sort yourself out.

Anonymous 2892

>>2883

>People say that by the time you're 30 you're going to have retarded or low IQ children


"People" might be putting it a bit strongly.

Anonymous 2893

>>2890
>>All these extra curricular actives make you such hot shit you're too good for a theoretical fat guy
Why you being such an asshole? For some people, interests are a huge part of their relationship because if one person loves hiking and doing physical activities yet the other would rather stay at home and generally be inactive, there is a going to be a lot of compromise needed. A fat guy might enjoy hiking, but them being able to do it for an as sustained amount of time as anon is unlikely. I am with a guy who just reaches the criteria for overweight and it doesn't bother me because I am an inactive person myself (I'm underweight and kind of fit, though), but if I liked going out and being active, shit would start to suck since because he's overweight, he can't walk for long periods of time without getting exhausted, etc.

They clearly suffer from a dependency problem, of course their ex is going to be illogically attractive to them vs some theoretical person.

Anonymous 2898

>>2883

My mom was 35 when she got me, 39 when she had my brother. We both do great, I don't know about his IQ but mine is 131.

You should look up Adam ruins everything on that topic. He explained it well.

Anonymous 2900

>>2883
Ahh, you're only a teeny bit younger than me then, I'm 29 (:
I got out of a bad relationship with an utter asshole just before my 27th birthday.
I've since found someone who's actually a decent person and loves me for who I am, so it's totally possible. Also, one of my coping methods after the breakup was to smash the gym every day, so you work out as much as you want, you deserve to be the healthy, strong woman you are, and you clearly have some enviable discipline. My advice to you, would be to use this as an opportunity to start again. Strengthen your mind along with your body. You know what hard work looks like, and you've already handled that, you can handle this.

Anonymous 2933

1448860253044.png

>>2890
my ex did hike with me but he also left me. you're basically telling me to settle for someone who doesn't even do a basic thing such as taking care of yourself. you seem like the type of person that would also tell me to settle for a homeless person. i never said my hobbies made me hot shit, i just said i have hobbies. quit projecting. you're not giving advice, you're just being an asshole.

this is like saying to someone who has a degree but can't find a good job that "well maybe you should just work at McDonald's then. You're not allowed to complain if you don't."

and lastly, I'm pretty sure obese men aren't even attracted to me. I've asked out incels before an even they rejected me. so fucking whatever. thanks for making me feel worse i guess.

Anonymous 2946

>>2933
When you went NC did you make an effort to get over them? Like actively stomping out thoughts of them or going to therapy? Try dating apps?

Also people can't be grouped in levels. It's fine to want someone who has a compatible lifestyle and who you are physically attracted to, but that doesn't mean people are levels, just stop, that's half your problem right there. If your ex is 'on your level' but treats people like shit and has a shit personality what does that say about you? And yes, repeatedly saying terrible things like he is willing to cheat and wants big titties in his face is shit behavior considering the circumstances, doesn't matter if he was drunk, if he always treats people he 'loves' like that when he's drunk he needs to stop drinking. You need to read up a bit on abusive relationships, the way you defend him while also describing such awful behavior is indicative of one. Saying sweet things and buying you gifts don't mean shit if he isn't fundamentally kind to you, that's a just a substitute for love and support not real love and support. If you want to come to terms with that and get with him anyway for the sake of a family, then it's your choice, but don't expect him to change just because he puts a ring on your finger one day. It'll be more of the same, you'll just be married through all of it.

Anonymous 2949

>>2946
I don't think you're going to reach her.

Anonymous 2951

tracy.png

Take care of your health

Anonymous 2952

>>2949
Wow, comments like this are so helpful, let's belittle women in abusive relationships as stupid and unaware! That'll make them want out!

Fuck off, don't shit on a post that is trying to be helpful.

Anonymous 2955

>>963
I understand how you feel 100%. If we lived close I'd hang out with you but I doubt it

Anonymous 2956

>>2951
Because being fat and alone is worse off than being in an abusive relationship where a guy is boning your besties despite how thin you are.

I'm not the aggressive anons who've been responding to OP, but come on.

Anonymous 2959

>>2952
jesus calm down.

Anonymous 2961

>>2845
You fuckbuddy is trash. No matter how 10/10 you think he is, his behaviour is troubling and you're shalllow if you think trash is acceptable cause you can't lower your standards for looks. Trash is trash, no matter what.

Anonymous 2965

>>2933

>you're basically telling me to settle for someone who doesn't even do a basic thing such as taking care of yourself


Look, you're the one who said you wanted a husband and family but you're uggo and getting old and your ex is a piece of shit and weh. I'm not going to feed you some bullshit about how your hiking hobby entitles you to the handsome /fit/izen that you're still fantasizing about, because statistically it just isn't true. Most people end up with someone similar in terms of attractiveness, and I'm sorry to say if you're towards the end of the spectrum you're most likely going to end up with someone who is also not that attractive, and it doesn't really matter whether that unattractiveness is from face or fat. So you want this husband and kid, and you talk about how the only guys besides your ex who are attracted to you are obese men, so I put two and two together and suggest, hey, maybe try a relationship with one of these guys. I do this because statistics and common fucking sense also tell us that people can be perfectly happy in relationships with partners they don't share all of their interests with, while most people are miserable with partners who keep breaking up with them and talking about how they want to fuck their friends. And you go apeshit cause, nah, you're too good for normal relationship if it's with a fatty. Which you know, even that's fine, but that leaves you with being alone and not in any relationship, and I'm sure you're not going to like that option either.

>you're not giving advice, you're just being an asshole.


If I were an asshole I would tell you to stay with your ex and have fucked up kids with him.

>you seem like the type of person that would also tell me to settle for a homeless person


Lol the two are not even remotely comparable, fuck off with this shit.

>this is like saying to someone who has a degree but can't find a good job that "well maybe you should just work at McDonald's then. You're not allowed to complain if you don't."


No, this is like you saying "shit my 2-year DeVry degree isn't getting me a job and I'm running out of money" and someone saying "Well then you better start looking at McDonalds because otherwise you're going to be out on the streets soon" and you saying "BUT I GOT MY DEGREE IN NURSING I CAN'T DO THAT HOW DARE YOU SUGGEST SOMETHING SO BASE"

>and lastly, I'm pretty sure obese men aren't even attracted to me.

>Other men never find me attractive except obese men or homeless/drug addicts

>so fucking whatever. thanks for making me feel worse i guess.


So basically I'm your ex then?

Anonymous 3170

>>2761
>>2743
>>2683
Novel anon here, just came back from spending a week with my bf, after a week (ish) of him staying over at my place with his cat.
We've cleared up a lot of misunderstandings, he was very candid with everything and said I could go through his phone, discord, PC etc anytime I want and he won't mind. He had no idea how I felt about everything and apologised profusely about hurting me, we kissed and made up and he basically tried to comfort me as much as possible.
I haven't let my guard down completely but I trust him a lot more now and it seems I did let my anxiety get the better of me after all.

Anonymous 3171

>>3170
Shit, posted before I could finish typing: Thanks for the nice response and sorry for making a fuss. I like this board a lot.

Anonymous 3172

I have this friend I really care about, and we've been friends for a couple years. But we're both battling depression and he always rants and vents to me. Which was ok before, but nowadays I feel like it's affecting my mood too. I always feel drained and worse when we talk. I feel like running away from him, but that would make me feel worse in the long run, and I feel bad about leaving him when he needs a friend.

I've asked him to stop talking about depressing stuff so often, but he never listens. What should I do? Aaaaah. Thank you.

Anonymous 3174

I think I got low key asked out by someone at work, but I'm pretty sure he's 15-20 years older than me and idk how to feel about that. Part of me really wants to brush it off and think that he just didn't want to go to a concert alone. The other part is very aware that we share a lot of the same interests, he tries to be there to help me with lifting patients, and looks out for me to make sure I'm not drowning in work. Am I overthinking this shit or what?

Anonymous 3192

>>3174
Maybe you're not overthinking it but you didn't say much to begin with. How did he ask you to go to the concert with him? How does he usually treat you? More info.

Anonymous 3212

I love my boyfriend. a lot. but he's always saying that I hate him or that I'm not interested on him because I forget to call him or respond to his messages in the first 15 minutes after he sent them.

This is destroying me lately. I don't know what to do… I do want to try to respond earlier… but I don't like to have long phone conversations all the time or constantly check messages… I told him I don't like social media that much, I only check sometimes.. he said "then delete everything!"

Anonymous 3213

>>3212
I think you two should have a discussion about boundaries and time. Is the reason you don't respond because most of the time you just don't check your phone? Or do you see the message but get to it later?
If your bf feels insecure about something, how can you show you care in a different way or try harder to communicate with him?

Anonymous 3219

>>3172 Have you tried to switch the subject when he is talking negative? Sorry I don't have much advice. However you should try not to leave your friend alone. Both of you are depressed right now so I don't think that would be a wise thing to do.

Anonymous 3271

giphy (1).gif

Hi anons. It's late as fuck and I'm kind of down right now thinking about the past. I'm currently in a relationship and I'm quite happy with my partner, so I know I'm not wishing to get back with my ex.

But I want to know if the reason that our breakup was understandable or if I was just completely retarded.

He was kind, sweet and really wanted to make us work. I liked him a lot too, and wanted to make things work as well. But when things got sexual he told me he could only truly get off by having cumplay and that he had to swallow his own cum, otherwise he wouldn't be fully satisfied. I know this is probably like nothing for most people who have more experience than I do, and I do admit I am a little prudish, but I couldn't get through that. Just thinking about it made me gag. My other two exes were totally disgusted by their own cum as soon as they were done, so it made me feel weird. But I didn't tell him it bothered me because he made it sound like it was such an important thing for him, and when he explained he was into that he made it sound like I wouldn't want him anymore after knowing that (…which is sort of what happened). I tried to get past that for like 3 months or so, but with no success. And from a rational POV I don't even know why him swallowing his own cum bothered me so much, so I kept getting frustrated at myself.

I ended up breaking up with him and saying the reason why I decided we couldn't keep dating was the fact he was already a father who didn't want to have more kids in the future, and that I really want to have one someday, or adopt. Of course, that was a really important factor in the decision I made, but ngl… I think the "I need to swallow my own cum" thing weighted more than not having a child. He seemed very sad and tried to get back with me for a long time, but we ended things in a friendly way nonetheless.

TL;DR did I do the right thing? Should I have done things differently?

Anonymous 3272

wishlist_edit-630x…

I didn't want to make a new thread for this, so I thought I might as well ask here:

Any of you anons had a wishlist?
I'd make one on ebay or amazaon but I'm worried about who can see my address if they actually buy anything? Any experiences?

Anonymous 3295

>>3212
Send him to me lol. I'd love it if my bf wanted me to text every hour or so.

Anonymous 3302

>>3271
This is fucking amazing, I laughed for good five minutes. Nah, if you want kids and he doesn't - no point to continue. His fetish is fucking amazing and entertaining though, the man wants to have his own bukkake festival.

You did the right thing, I mean his fetish is mostly hilarious and harmless. But, realistically if the kids would be a problem in the future there is no point to continue to waste each others time.

Anonymous 3303

>>3271
>he was already a father
Heh at least you know he doesn't swallow all of his cums

Anonymous 3305

Stains.jpg

>>3271

H-how did he get the cum from wherever into his mouth?

Anonymous 3306

>>3271

Man, I guess the world really does take all types. See if I were in your position I'd love that he was into cum play and wanted to do that, but I would have dumped him for being a single dad because I'm not a fucking cuck and ain't raising someone else's kid.

Anonymous 3307

>>3213
>I think you two should have a discussion about boundaries and time. Is the reason you don't respond because most of the time you just don't check your phone?
The reason I don't like to check my cell phone every hour is simply because it distracts me a lot, I see messages from him and friends and I want to chat and I end up neglecting my work or what I have to do.

>Or do you see the message but get to it later?

I normally respond when I see the message, but sometimes that happens several hours later.

>If your bf feels insecure about something, how can you show you care in a different way or try harder to communicate with him?

We have like a routine, he calls me every morning, he's one of my alarms haha then I call him after lunch and or after work, and before going to bed. To me that's fair enough? miners, am I a cold gf?

>>3295
He loves the messages and emojis and the cute surprises lol

I forgot to add, he is from a different country so he's very afraid of being alone.

Anonymous 3308

>>3307
We make a lot of fun activities together, problem is that phone obsession ✓✓ hehe

Anonymous 3312

>>3307
Ah ok, so you are in a long distance relationship? (Or only see each other on few occasions?) I dunno, this just sounds like you two have different expectations and how you work that out depends on how willing either of you can compromise. Either you text him more often, he becomes less insecure/finds other friends/hobbies to occupy his attention, or some combination of both.

I can see how explaining to him your phone habits would make it sound like you don't care enough about him. I wouldn't say you are a cold gf, but how did you two manage to get together in the first place? Was there a change in the dynamic? It does sound like he needs something else to do or spend time on since he might be feeling homesick (maybe a local community of the country he's from if that exists?).

Anonymous 3315

>>3306
>>3305
>>3302
>>3303

I'm glad some of you laughed, anons. It's a true story, theres absolutely no lie to it. Cumplay by itself doesnt scare me or turn me off that much, it was more the "i gotta swallow my own cum" thing that put me off. But yeah, I def want to carry my child or adopt him or her someday. So our relationship couldnt go on. Too bad the biggest reason i didnt try to make him change his mind, or my own, came to him eating his own cum.

Anonymous 3339

Can anyone tell me if I'm a horrible person? If I'm right or wrong? Gimme your POV. Gimme help.

I'm actively rooting against something my fiance really wants because I believe that would ultimately slow down our life as a couple, and also his personal life as well. I don't want this to be too lengthy, but here we go:

Basically he's an immigrant in a country that hasn't given him many opportunities and is now kindly asking him to GTFO since he hasn't been able to keep a job there for a while (he's gotten like 2 or 3 warnings/letters telling him his visa expired and that he needs to leave). Two of his family members who live there don't want him to come back, and they want to get a lawyer to try to get him to stay, at least longer.

But fuck, it's obvious to anyone that he needs to leave, he is unemployed and has lost his visa. Does he want to be an illegal immigrant now? Wtf? He even said he'd stay there illegally for a while because "lots of people do that" and try to get his visa back. Sigh.

I don't have much money but I'll do my best to take care of him when he gets back here in our country, even if he doesn't have a job in the beginning, and he also has family here, so it's not like he doesn't have anyone here even though he's lived overseas for a long time. I told him that we will make things right, but he needs to accept that staying there to make money doesn't seem like the best option anymore. He's asked me to marry him this year, and we will, and I don't care where we will live as long as we manage to survive and be happy together. But I don't want to live in a country where we live in constant fear of maybe being asked to leave. Especially because I have a low paying job here, a degree, and most of our family members live here. I've recently graduated so maybe I'll be able to support us, even if poorly, while he gets a job here. Our plan was getting me there to live with him after our wedding, but fuck no! I don't want to live there at this point. I'd rather stay here where we both have family members, the right to stay, etc even though the other country is way richer.

So yeah, I really hope he gets kicked out and I feel awful saying this since he's lived there for a long time now. He knows I want that, so it's not really a secret, but I feel like it is since I avoid bringing it up, and when he complains about losing his visa I say I feel sorry for him, while smiling inside. I feel so evil. I'm probably not, but I feel like I am. Idk what to think of myself, and if it's ok to feel the way I do. I don't know anything anymore. I love this man and he needs to understand that the possibility of him making things work there is very small, and that I'm getting frustrated, and sad. I miss him and want to be with him asap and this money chasing game is getting on my nerves… I understand he's lived there for a while, so it's sad to leave like this, being kicked out, but still.

Anonymous 3340

>>3339
marry him *next year. Sorry.

Anonymous 3344

>>3339
You aren't an evil person anon it's completely understandable that you think this way. You just want to assure that you will have a stable life together and him being in a foreign country without a job isn't really good. You are in no way a bad person anon!

Anonymous 3356

i want a boyfriend so bad…i had the perfect opportunity to talk to a guy i thought was kinda cute but i pussied out (was thinking of asking for a napkin since my friend's shit spilled all over her backpack during class). But at the same time it's so stupid how every average looking dude catches my eyes and i imagine us dating. i'm embarrassed for myself jc. i've also had this crush on an upperclassmen which i gave up on, so now i try to avoid any eye contact with him. i hate being "boy crazy" so to speak.

Anonymous 3363

>>3344
Thank you, anon. I really needed someone to validate my feelings on this one because most people I know act like I am being stupid about not wanting to move, etc just because the other country is way richer.

Anonymous 3365

>>3356
realized this wasn't the vent thread ignore me please… unless you got advice for my single ass

Anonymous 3369

>>3339
You gotta look out for yourself.

It's totally okay that you feel this way. I was in a similar position around three years ago.

Do you still feel romance towards him? Careful not to turn into a maternal kind of relationship. It's what killed mine.

Felt like a mother, doing everything for them.
Best of luck nee-chan.

Anonymous 3383

>>3369
I love him a lot, but I do feel like his mom sometimes tbqh. That was spot on!
Thank you for the kind words and advice <3

Anonymous 4159

I'm going to get diagnosed soon and all I know is that you get a paper to fill out. So I was wondering: are you supposed to mention stuff from the past?

Ex. I used to self harm, but managed to stop. If there was a question "do you self harm?", do I circle yes or no?

Anonymous 4160

>>4159
There's a recent thread for this and what do you mean by diagnosed?

I would circle no. It's trying to diagnose you for your present state of mind. If a therapist or a person asks you if you've ever cut, then I'd say mention it.

Anonymous 4161

>>4159
Present-tense anon.
Circle no unless you've been seriously considering it again.

Anonymous 4163

I feel like I have a really bad attention span. Has anyone had that and overcome it? I think I'm reading words but not processing what I'm reading you know? I want to stop that.

Anonymous 4165


Anonymous 4304

I need some advice on fashion and stuff. I'd post in /cgl/ but it's really slow and idk if anyone browses it.

So…where do you guys find inspiration for outfits? I'm looking for mainstream/"normie" stuff but am not sure where/what to look for.

What are some basic pieces I'd need in my wardrobe?

Anonymous 4305

>>4304 search "capsule wardrobe" on pinterest or the like. It'll give you a few basic staples to work from!

Anonymous 4308

>>4305
Thank you! That's a really interesting concept I'll look into right now

Anonymous 4680

is going into a field i'm unsure will fit me a good idea?

i love the idea of this field, and it's honestly something i've been wanting to learn, i'm just scared i'm not smart enough to handle it.

i've got until. what. the end of march to decide?

lemme know.

Anonymous 4689

unnamed (25).gif

>>4680
I'm going to give you the answer everyone hates: it depends. Lots of people can adjust and start working things out to force themselves to at least stand what they do in case they find out they don't like what they chose, or feel they can't do. Others can't do that and end up suffering more.
Think about, let's say, your life in 1 year. What would you do if you realized you weren't able to handle it? Try to think about your own behavior and how you'd act.

But I believe in you, anon… you can totally ace it if you actually enjoy the field, even if you're bad in the start.

Anonymous 4711

>>2965
This is late and you probably won't see it, but my parents divorced because they didn't have anything in common with each other. My mom loved hiking and keeping in shape while my dad enjoyed spending time playing video games and got out of shape. By telling me to get with someone where our lifestyles don't match up, you're basically setting me up for failure anyways.

>

No, this is like you saying "shit my 2-year DeVry degree isn't getting me a job and I'm running out of money" and someone saying "Well then you better start looking at McDonalds because otherwise you're going to be out on the streets soon" and you saying "BUT I GOT MY DEGREE IN NURSING I CAN'T DO THAT HOW DARE YOU SUGGEST SOMETHING SO BASE"

This isn't advice, learn the difference. Advice would be "let me look at your resume and see why places aren't hiring you" or some shit like that.

Anonymous 4775

>>4680
I'm in the same situation anon. I wish us luck, and hope we can pull through together.
The field I want to go into is something I would love to do in the future and would earn money from, I'm just unsure if I would be able to handle the process of getting there, since it's a subject I'm not very good at.
On the other hand I could go into another field with subjects I'm kinda good at but don't earn as much money from and I feel like it wouldn't get me far in life.

Anonymous 4980

1495691569333.jpg

How do I stop being so self obsessed and become more interested in other people? I constantly feel lonely but as soon as I start talking to someone it often just feels like a chore, even if I like them.

Anonymous 4981

>>4980
It depends. Are you talking about romantic partners, friends, classmates or people in general? Not everyone loves talking to people 24//7, especially if you're always together. It does feel like a chore sometimes, but relationships are like plants you need to water. Watering plants isn't always fun but if you don't most of them will die. If you think you're getting bored of the other person they're most likely getting bored of you too. Why not suggest fun activities?

Anonymous 57869

Couldn’t find a relationship advice thread and don’t want to make my own so I’ll post this question here.
Is it a good idea to have premarital sex with my fiancé or should we wait until the wedding night? He isn’t religious and I’m not either. However, I grew up in a religious household that hammered the message of saving yourself for marriage. I do like the thought of it because it makes your wedding night extra special and romantic. I also fear that I will lose him. He might want to have sex with other women once he discovers what sex feels like with me. We’re virgins who never touched the opposite sex , which adds more to this dilemma and makes it even more complicated. It gives us the idea that sex should be a special romantic thing shared between only one person you’ll love for the rest of your life. We were cautious about losing our virginities in our past relationships, but we know that we’ll be together (hopefully) forever. We are engaged and certain it will work between us. Should we just have it or wait? Will we regret it if we don’t wait?

Anonymous 57870

>>57869
Eh you’re so close to marriage you might as well wait if the temptation isn’t overwhelming.
I never believed in waiting until marriage (or even until commitment) because sexual compatibility is super important for me but there’s something cute about two virgins figuring it out on their wedding night. If we take the trad view of marriage, you have your entire life to fuck so what’s 1 more year of waiting?

Anonymous 57871

>>57869
I don't see how you would regret not having sex earlier. Once you have it you'll realize it's overhyped, but the concept of you and your spouse waiting will probably make the experience more meaningful. The most important part of sex is when you realize it's not important in and of itself.

Anonymous 57873

BFB85EF7-7D5F-4E56…

So I need help with something I don’t really know how to do due to being awkward and not sociable at all. I’ve been making music and I don’t know how to post about it, or get it out there. I’ve heard about a million times that tiktok is the way to go but I’m so confused on what to post. My music is also not really tiktok oriented, it’s heavy industrial music. I also go on Instagram a lot and see music ads but it just seems like a waste, IG to me seems dead. The local music community around me is also a no go, As I live in a rural area with people I really don’t get along with. I’m not asking for shoutouts or anything just advice.

Anonymous 57896

>>57873
There's soundcloud but I'm not sure how many eyes and ears are there anymore, especially if tiktok has its finger in the pie. Are "soundcloud rappers" now "tiktok rappers"?
>local music community
There's a virtual music scene (https://vrcc.events/, among others) with live performers you can check out too. Also if you're desperate I'd imagine there's a subreddit.

Anonymous 57897

>>57896
yeah I think SC is only used to host the music but tiktok is where traction is gained. I think they'd still be considered SoundCloud rappers though

>>57873
Like anon says, tiktok would be the place. Look at how many short clips by unknown artists have gone viral, that sugarcrash song is by a nobody, those songs by Kim Dracula, whatever else…

Anonymous 57898

>>57873
>get it out there
Define this. Do you just want people to stumble upon it randomly? Tiktok. Do you want people to have a place to go to actively seek you out? SoundCloud. Do you want to talk to interact with people concerning music? Virtual Music Scene. What do you mean "out there"?
>I also go on Instagram a lot and see music ads but it just seems like a waste, IG to me seems dead.
>27th most popular website in the world
>dead
You really are out of touch nonnie.

Anonymous 57935

3D4750DB-2D9B-4B87…

I didn’t want to make my own thread because my boyfriend caught me peeking at /feels/ earlier. I don’t know what to do

I’ve been dating this guy for 2 months. Everything was fine until 2 weeks ago I caught him messaging his ex behind my back after we had sex. I knew he still spoke to her but the story he played out is that he hasn’t spoken to her in weeks, but he was secretly talking to her on Facebook messenger. I told him that was fucked up and he showed me their chats to try to calm me but didn’t scroll all the way through the messages and kept stopping at a certain point. I never mentioned this yet to him.
Their convos consisted of mainly her begging for him to respond, asking for his Netflix password, sending him memes. Sometimes he will respond and send her memes back and cute stickers or cute cat pictures. I told him this kinda stuff hurts my feelings and makes me uncomfortable. He responded “we dated years ago we lost all feelings! She’s just a friend to me now, I hope we all can be friends! She got really fat!!!”
Ok so I admit it I went through his phone. I scrolled past that point he didn’t scroll past. He would send her memes like “me trying to flirt -> do you like raccoons” and then I saw two other memes. One cartoon character getting violently fucked to “party hard!” And he said “could of been us” and another one that is like a porn shock video and he said “you and me?” And he sent this during the relationship.
What do I do? I wanna break up at this point because what the fuck. I tried to be nice about it, they dated 5 years ago but dated for a year and a half. I didn’t feel right asking him to stop talking to her considering I have an ex who still talks to me but I don’t talk to my ex like that! I’m so confused and sad

Anonymous 57951

>>57935
Unacceptable trash moid behaviour. You deserve better. Break up with him. There is no excuse for him to be talking to his ex like that. A real man would never talk to his ex and focus solely on you in a relationship. Find a new boyfriend and don’t look back.

Anonymous 58159

Can't stop talking to my ex. Half the time he's crying because his life sucks, the other half He's telling me to go therapy to treat my "autism". We have friends in common and he says all of them agree i'm autistic, but when I ask them about those conversations they all deflect. Which means he's probably making it up, which is bonkers behaviour (he probably wants to believe my lack of empathy is from autism instead of the pretty obvious narcissim).
I just can't handle being alone so we keep talking. Can't bring myself to block him because he knows where I live and where I work and he could show up there suicidal.
Guess I'll just wait until he finds a girl and forgets about me….

Anonymous 58160

>>58159
just block him. if he shows up, call the police. not your problem.

Anonymous 58176

Anyone here ever had anxiety about going to a predominantly moid-occupied public spaces and how to deal if you get demoralized? There's this amazing open-air public skate park like 20 mins of skating away and I really really want to go try it but it's nearly always filled with either gradeschooler boys and/or adult men. I'm short, a little bit pudgy, usually mistaken for a teenager. I've been skating on and off 10+ years, and I still can't get a handle on tricks and I use a helmet and all the pads. I get paralyzed about going there because I don't want to get bullied by either the kids nor the older ones, or get told to fuck off because I don't belong here. I was going to literally go next monday before my shift for an hour or two when there shouldn't be anyone but now the summer vacations started and I'm sure it's gonna be filled with moids from dawn til dusk. For the next two and a half months. It doesn't help that this park is practically the best one this side of city. I wouldn't be so anxious if I would have seen other women or girls there but it's always moids. Any tips on how to tackle this fear, or any other advice on how to deal with moids potentially being shitty? If any women would get pissy I could most likely hold my ground.

Anonymous 58203

>>58176
I recommend exposing yourself little by little to the area while moids are there. Get used to the sensation of going to the skate park when moids are there, then maybe riding your skateboard, slowly escalate to doing tricks, etc.

Anonymous 58228

I bet you are tired of reading stuff about dating, but here I am.

Have you ever started dating someone who confessed you he cheated in the past (to another person)? I feel like I shouldn't, but why would he tell me that if he just wants to have some fun with me? I REALLY like him, he's not perfect but he's great and we have so much fun together.

We've been very open about our past mistakes and shitty things we've done, so I have an idea of the things I'll have to deal if I start dating him. I don't mind most of those things, but the cheating part makes me feel very anxious about him.
I also should say that he did that while he was 18 and now he's 27, and he's changed a lot (I've known him for a while) for better.

Anonymous 58277

>>57935
Sounds to me like you need a new boyfriend. This is completely unacceptable behavior honestly

Anonymous 58278

>>58176
Story time of me being a cringelord
>be cringe scene kween 15 yo on summer vacation
>it's half girls at the skatepark but only moids actually skate
>I buy a cheap board just to pose with it I can't ride it at all
>ldr bf gets me some thrasher hoodie
>some of the skater moids obsess over me and try to teach me how to skate
>others are visibly upset that I'm taking up so much attention
>some of the girls are especially livid
>get harassed on hi5 and lose friends irl(shitty emo social media back in the day, popular here)
>never skate again

I'll admit I used to be a bit of an attention whore but damn that hurt.

Anonymous 58279

>>58278
Kek you were one of those girls. Have to admit, though, I liked the look of the hoodies even though they annoyed me at the same time.

Anonymous 58284

>>58176
I can't help you, but just reading this scenario gives me potent anxiety. I'd probably want to kms being surrounded by teens at a skatepark if I didn't know how to skate proficiently. This line of thinking is smothering but it would suck absolute ass to be bullied or whispered about by tweens and teens as an adult over lack of skill. Skateparks are just so dominated by teens that can skate well, that it'd feel so bizarre to me to even go w/o having had deep ties to it as a proficient skater already

Anonymous 58286

>>58284
I don't understand this attitude at all. 1. I don't think the tweens are even going to give a fuck you're there in the first place as long as you're not physically touching them, and 2. even if they did notice you, you're not important enough for them to give more than a passing though about.

Why do you think you're important enough to other people that they'd whisper about you behind your back? This social anxiety almost sounds narcissistic to me.

Anonymous 58289

>>58287
>It's not narcissistic. An unlearned adult at a skatepark primarily occupied by kids will most likely be seen as bizarre by the kids, or at least I'd feel extremely out of place so I'd figure they'd consider it bizarre. Idk how that's not understandable and immediately interpretable to you. I think the kids would be aware of it and that they would also find it bizarre, but maybe you're right.
Yeah, they'll think it's bizarre for all of a minute and then stop fucking caring. It's not like they'll form a cabal, dox you, and cyberbully you on facebook before calling the police on your ass. It's okay to be fucking weird for all a minute as long as you're not hurting anyone.


The way people with social anxiety view the world is just staggering to me.>>58287

Anonymous 58290

>>58286
It's not narcissistic. An unlearned adult at a skatepark primarily occupied by kids will most likely be seen as bizarre by the kids, or at least I'd feel extremely out of place so I'd figure they'd consider it bizarre. Idk how that's not understandable and immediately interpretable to you. I think the kids would be aware of it and that they would also find it bizarre, but maybe you're right.

Idk how nasty skatepark kids are so I can't speak on how they actually would act, but the possibility is certainly there because I would, at least, fuck up many times and very badly, likely injure myself badly, and I feel like it'd end up drawing attention.

Anonymous 58291

>>58290
>Idk how nasty skatepark kids are so I can't speak on how they actually would act, but the possibility is certainly there because I would, at least, fuck up many times and very badly, likely injure myself badly, and I feel like it'd end up drawing attention.

What do you think they'll do? Gang up together and beat you with skateboards? Stab you? At worst they could laugh after a shitty faceplant, but that's literally just laughter from a group of kids you don't know, won't ever know, and won't ever matter in a meaningful way to you. Are you that scared of random people that don't matter to you laughing at you?

Anonymous 58292

>>58289
I never said they'd dox or cyberstalk. Weird jump to make. I said be "bullied or whispered about". The jump to cyberstalking, doxing and harassment is dramatic and not at all the impression what I said would typically make on people.

Anonymous 58293

>>58292
>I never said they'd dox or cyberstalk. Weird jump to make. I said be "bullied or whispered about".
Elaborate then, what does "bullied" mean? What does "whispered about" mean and why should I giver a rat's ass about it?



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