OP here. I'm going to answer your questions/problems as I read through them.
>It motivated me to do an assignment today that is due oct 30
Already, I am proud of you. Reading further, my heart breaks for you. Your parents were supposed to protect and love you, and they failed you. You were a vulnerable child. I promise on my life, nothing you did was worthy of such abuse and neglect. Even the worst, most terrorizing child is worthy of love and affection. And you were not even a terrible child! You were simply a child with needs and wants like any other, and your mother could not handle that. No matter her own trauma, I am sorry that she afflicted that on you.
And children are so cruel. Although their brains were still developing and they didn't understand the consequences of what they were doing, that is only an explanation, not an excuse. You did not deserve what they did to you, and it is unfair that you now have to pick up the pieces, but I know you can.
Your path to healing will be longer than some, but because there have been many other girls who have walked it, the steps are well known. I'm going to set you some goals and give you some resources. One, I want you to practice one simple life skill per week. Look up on Youtube, "Mom, how do I?" This is a channel by a woman who will explain multiple simple household chores. Click on her channel and then go to "videos." Each week, I want you to do one. If you are feeling brave and daring, do one that seems complex like "Mom, How Do I Work On My Mental Health?" Or, if it is a tired week, you can do one like "How do I apply a bandaid?" When you have accomplished a task, be proud! It doesn't matter if you feel like you're behind and this is just catching up, you are still taking care of yourself when previously you couldn't. Think of yourself as your new mother. Your parents didn't teach that little girl life skills, so now you must teach her life skills. And every time you feel frustrated, remember: Would you be frustrated and angry at a child because she didn't know this thing? Of course not, so offer yourself space and grace to learn and grow.
If you are feeling up to it, I would also encourage you to look up "How to socialize with people" on youtube and watch at least one video each week. You are not the first person to have neglectful parents so there are many great videos on reading body language and understand social norms.
One of the greatest things about the internet is it can offer so many resources. So if you ever have a question, never hesitate to type it out in google even if you feel like it's too niche to have an answer. Many people find that answers that they thought were complex have been answered in multiple forms such as video or written articles. Every problem has a solution, you just have to figure out how to phrase the question. Things as simple as "Why does my nose run when I lay down at night?" or, "How to pay attention better in class?" Try to encourage yourself to look up solutions even if you're not ready to take the steps. The first step is knowledge, and with that, you'll find yourself wanting to fix your problems more, because you know the solution is in your reach.
It sounds like you got a bad therapist. It's much more common than people realize and most people have to go through 3-4 therapists before they can find one who works for them. It sounds like you're not ready to go back yet, and I respect that. When you are ready and feeling more up to it, you may need to go to two different kinds of therapists. One, talk therapy. This type of therapist will just listen to you. Sometimes, all we need is to be heard and for someone to tell us, "Yeah, that was super fucked up what your mother did to you." To know that our pain is valid and that we're not being over reactive or drama queens.
If you feel like you do not need that, or you have already accomplished that part and don't feel it help further, the next type of therapy is EMDR. This therapy is pricey, but it is scientifically proven to work. Seriously, you should see the difference in an MRI of people with PTSD (which you have, in fact you likely have what is more commonly know as complex PTSD) before and after EMDR. But especially if your parents are willing or able to pay for it, I recommend it.
I think an entry level job is a great idea. Ideally, you may want to get something like office work because you will be exposed to rude customers less and it will be less stressful in that aspect, but there is also great freedom in working a disposable job like fast food. With those types of jobs, you can always walk out because there is always another fast food job willing to pay minimum wage for another warm body. Now if you live in a very small town that only has three or four fast food places, I would advise against being too flippant in quitting, but remember that it's always an option if they are treating you terribly and you feel like giving up on all your progress.
I recommend the apps Offtime, Moment, or Flipd. Flipd is for extreme cases. When you tell your phone not to let you on, it locks you out until you're previously agreed upon time. Even restarting the phone won't let you back in.
>although i am a bit of a pig with no self control
You are not. You have already gotten most of the way through a degree and you have a stable relationship with someone who loves you. And your commitment to the gym? Mind blowing. That shows more self control and self determination than I see even in mentally healthy people. You need to start thinking of yourself as your friend. And if your friend told you she was lazy and a pig, would you believe that coming from someone who goes to the gym so often? Of course not. So I don't want to hear you thinking bad about yourself, because you are brilliant and worthy.
Based on what you have told me, you do sound more like depression and maybe autism than ADHD. Autism can be hard to diagnose in adult women because of female socialization and usually the skills we develop to not be bullied mask our symptoms. Like you, I was severely bullied and completely ostracized in school. So by the time I graduated high school, I was completely feral and would weird people out just by being in the same room as them. Even specialists have never been able to answer whether I have the genetic condition of autism, or if my complete lack of socialization makes it appear as I do. The answer for me was purposely learning how humans interact with each other, though socialization videos, and lots of therapy. So while you may not consider yourself depressed, it's obvious that your trauma and pain are holding you back from enjoying life. Like functioning addicts, many people are functioning depressionists and don't consider themselves depressed because they're not laying in bed trying to die.
As for your career, I would recommend getting a lower stakes job, seeing how you interact with coworkers and clients, practicing your human skills, and then trying to go back into the field. And when they ask why you you have that gap in your field in your resume? Lie. Say you were taking care of your dying grandma or something and so needed a job with more flexible hours or less stress. Interviewers just need an excuse to hire you, once you're in and not completely crazy, there has to be a pretty big reason to fire you. Just remember which grandma you were taking care of in case it ever comes up again. Plus, it's not about that exact career. If you want to retool, it's so easy. I helped one woman who went to school for anthropology, worked the field and hated it, so I had her apply to job at the university and now she works from home and approves grants. A bachelor's just shows a hiring manager that you are willing and able to jump through hoops in order to follow directions and play well with others, it ultimately doesn't really matter what it's in.
It sounds like you don't want to die. It sounds like your anxiety is more inducing intrusive thoughts as a possible escape hatch. Like I mentioned, the idea of always having an escape hatch can be soothing to some, but can be distressing to others. From what I have observed, I can guarantee that once you get into your own apartment and have a job, that they will disappear. For now, acknowledge them and allow them to pass through. And remember, if you actually wanted to die, these thoughts wouldn't cause you so much distress.
Are there any parks near you? What about arboretums? Even getting up and taking a walk will help clear your mind. Our brains never evolved to be this simultaneously under and over stimulated at the same time. If you were where you belonged, in the forest, you would be observing the constantly moving play of light on trees or water, seeing the wind move the leaves. You would hear plants moving and rubbing against each other in the wind and the sounds of birds and insects. You would have brittle things like tree bark or dry branches to play with and make satisfying crunching noises as you broke them apart in your hands and mud to smooth or mound. Instead, you are trapped in a white box with bare walls, getting barely any sunlight while a tiny computer that is designed by people who study the human brain does everything it can to give you another dopamine hit so you'll stay addicted and make those people money. So especially if there is any place green or with trees, go out and walk. It will get you out of the house and surrounded by things that are proven to reduce stress levels and relax you. Maybe during the hours you lock your phone, one of those could be when you take your walk.
Instead of binging the whole week (because you are likely to feel bloated and sluggish after getting your body used to so many healthy things), why not limit yourself to only three treats this week. So mac and cheese one night, chips two days later, and then sushi for date night?
That is a really good goal. Getting ahead of the curve is a present to future you. And when you're there, you can look back and thank past you for her sacrifice.
So follow up question, do you have any plans to move out? If so, what do those plans look like and what is their timeline?