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Life coaching Anonymous 167189

By profession, I am a life coach that specializes in working with women with ADHD and/or autism. If you don't know what a life coach is, it's a woman who helps you identify the problems in your life and recommends solutions for overcoming them. So tell me your problems or how you're unhappy and I will attempt to solve them.

Anonymous 167228

Everything feels overwhelming. I have lots of stuff to do and it feels like it's too much for my capabilities.

Anonymous 167238

It can very frustrating at times. Actions and decisions that may seem simple and intuitive to me, are beyond the capabilities of my clients. But to guide them through their worst struggles and to see their lives radically improve makes it worth it.

If you could make any one of your problems disappear by magic tomorrow, what would be highest on the list? What would be lowest?

Anonymous 167251

I have a very hard time communicating and connected with others. Its like I'm in a completely different world from most people what I consider to be normal is strange to most. Because of this idk how I'm going to make a living. Most jobs require a lot of social contact, dealing with a lot of bullshit, and/or intense manual labor. I just don't know what I'm going to do because I'm allergic to all three.

Anonymous 167254

Become a night auditor.

Anonymous 167262

That's actually not a bad idea because there are a lot of hotels near me on another note do employers really care about what they say they do in the job description? What is something to look for in a comfy night auditor position?

Anonymous 167268

Yes they want someone with experience, but not always. They're often willing to train because hospitality is notoriously understaffed. You still have to deal with people but much less. Especially now that summer is behind us, it's a good time to start. Just don't work in a motel, work in a hotel. You might have to start with the am shift but it will be ridiculously slow too. Especially during weekdays. Just request to work weekdays while you're training so you can get used to it.

Anonymous 167270

Ok I'll give it a shot thanks for the advice.

Anonymous 167295

This is very normal, especially for women with autism and women who's parents never socialized them properly. I would recommend starting to train your people skills now using Youtube videos.
The easy thing is that most people are very robot like. You say something from column A, and they will almost always react by responding from column B. Therefore, you don't need to know how to react to every situation, so much as memorize a series of responses to certain situations which can be taught through Youtube. A warning though. You likely take things very literally, and this can be very taboo in society. Avoid the straight forward question, "How long is this going to take?" People will take this as you being passive aggressive and impatient. Instead, quickly explain the reasoning behind your questions when you present it in the workplace and with friends. "How long do you estimate this will take? I would like to start another task, but I want to be available to you for when this one is completed." Also, remember to say people's name to get their attention and then make your first sentence a fluff sentence. So instead of walking into an office and saying, "What time are the evaluation reports?" You walk in, say their name to catch their attention, add a fluff sentence to allow their mind to switch tasks to your questions, and then finish with the question. "Hey Alicia, I wondered if you knew, what time are the evaluation reports today?"

Anonymous 167299

>do employers really care about what they say they do in the job description
They care very little. Apply to any job you want, even the ones you feel you aren't fully qualified for. Managers ask for the absolute ideal candidate, but so many unqualified people apply, that they'll interview anyone they feel has any potential. Seriously, if I post a job listing that requests a bachelor's in history, 50% of responses will be from people who never graduated high school, 45% will be non bachelor's, and the 5% who have bachelor's in history will have ridiculous demands like can only work during the full moon on Wednesdays. So I'll usually pick from the non-bachelor's and hope I can train them.

Anonymous 167313

>You say something from column A, and they will almost always react by responding from column B.
I have noticed that it's kind of funny sometimes I'll just say something to see the reaction and note that in my head. A huge issue I have is when I'm talking to someone andthey say something that reminds me of a painful memory in the past there's a flood of emotions going through my head making it hard to continue.
That's a good piece of information. I figured noone expects that much especially in entry level jobs.

Anonymous 167316

What advice would you give to a desperate boyfriendless woman who is too scared to talk to men because she is extremely ugly?

Anonymous 167327

Hi life coach please help.

I have no motivation to do anything. All I do is sit on my butt all day and passively look at YouTube videos or TikTok stuff or lurk on imageboards. I don't even search things up, i just rely on the algorithm to summon me something and I end up vegetating in my room for hours on end and then suddenly its night and i feel like shit because i was so unproductive.

I'm a student doing online courses andthe lack of a schedule is fucking my grades up and my mental health. I have no sense of time. I don't step outside either my parents do all the grocery shopping and outside things.

I also have no motivation to get good grades because i always bomb my interviews and they lead to nowhere. i feel like i won't ever get a job because of my incompetence and laziness.

How do i fix my life? Pls help.
And I am the way i am because I was bullied relentlessly in school and it has fucked me up beyond repair. i have severe social anxiety and avpd so i feel like i will never be normal.

Anonymous 167362

>A huge issue I have is when I'm talking to someone andthey say something that reminds me of a painful memory in the past there's a flood of emotions going through my head making it hard to continue.
Same, same. How to get rid of this? It makes my life so complicated

Anonymous 167405

Acceptance that's how it works for me. The more I accept the pain and the bad times the better I feel because I'm acknowledging the wrong and through that soothing myself.

Anonymous 167406

Or you can just not. You can kick life's ass, and the ass of every once offensive thing. Rub it in that ugly moids face every day of your life.

Anonymous 167407

Visualize crushing his skull with a brick everyday too. Mostly though just impose beauty standards on men, they cannot fucking stand it lol.

Anonymous 167408

Why not both? Kick ass and accept bad past experiences.

Anonymous 167409

LOL usually I stare at them while thinking about raping their ass eye for an eye.

Anonymous 167410

They don't matter when you've metaphorically crushed his ugly face on the pavement in every conceivable way. When you reach a certain point he's dead to you and you laugh at it. There is more than one way.

Anonymous 167411

Yeah I understand that much ungly groomer deserves it but a lot of my bad experiences come from childhood and no matter how hard I strangle my mother to death it doesn't change how damaging it all was.

Anonymous 167412

That's a little much you can just call ugly men ugly, it's extremely cathartic. Less is more. But definitely visualize breaking skulls it's very therapeutic.

Anonymous 167413

Women aren't even lik that give me a break moid. Moids always make everything about rape.

Anonymous 167414

That's why I do it its the perfect revenge subjugate them to their behavior.

Anonymous 167415

As long as you're not an actual rapist wtf. Honesty you sound like a moid just jamming the airways with this nonsense and I don't even believe you :T

Anonymous 167422

I'm a women because of my genitalia how I sound comes from how I was raised sorry if that sounds moidy but that's how I am a moidy women. It's what happens when there are no positive female role models at a young age.

Anonymous 167430

OP here. This problem can be fixed though EMDR therapy. A therapist will use some physical method (buzzing eggs, a laser light, vibrating headphones) while walking you though the memory. With this, you're able to rewire your brain so it doesn't create a physical and emotionally response every time you're triggered. It's very good, I 100% recommend it over talk therapy for triggers that feel painful, but it's pricey and can only be done in person. However, the sense of peace it gives and the stress it removes from your every day life is worth it.

Anonymous 167443

I see a couple of women responding to others, so to distinguish myself, I'll note "OP here" going forward.
So this one is a multiple step one that I see a lot. One, it depends on how ugly you actually are and how you want to move forward. The truth is, some people are less attractive than others. And no amount of "You're beautiful on the inside!" will change material reality. So, do you consider yourself regular ugly, or do you have something that really sets you apart such as burns or acid attack to the face/body?

If you find yourself to be regular ugly, how do you find yourself ugly? Do you think yourself fat? Do you hate your nose? So on and so forth. It is hard to jump right to loving yourself, so my first recommendation is simple non-make up changes to help you love yourself. For example, if you hate your face because you think it's too long, get a shaggy shoulder haircut. This creates the optical illusion that your face is much shorter. If you hate how flushed and red your skin is, dress in greys or browns to help de-emphasize the red in your skin. The reason I advise against make in these cases is because it tends to make body dysmorphia and anxiety worse. A woman will spend hours each day applying make up, she will internalize that this smooth faced doll is what she is supposed to look like, and she will hate herself even more without make up as well as having generalized anxiety about her make up getting mussed up that stops her from living life to its fullest.

Once you have taken the edge off your insecurity with clothing or a hair cut, the next step is internalizing and reasserting your self love. So many women will make a tiny mistake, misspell a word or drop something, and they'll call themselves a dumb bitch or tell themselves they're stupid. Stop this. No little girl is born thinking she is stupid or ugly. Your task is to return to that mindset. Every time you make a mistake, instead of insulting yourself, think, I am human and humans make mistakes. On top of that, I want you to repeat to yourself that you are beautiful a minimum ten times a day. Whether chanting it to yourself before you go to bed, or singing it in the shower, do it every single day. I don't care that you don't believe it, you're going to say it.

The brain is a very complex system that is actually incredibly gullible. That's why peer pressure and brain washing work so well. We're going to use that for good. By telling yourself you're beautiful every single day, you will actually start to grow self love. From there, you'll be able to grow the self confidence to talk to men and find your self worthy of attention and affection from others.

You'll find that talking to men is much easier than you think. Men are desperate for attention, and even more so for a woman's attention. Think of them as gumballs. You put your quarter in the machine (meaning you attempt a social interaction with a guy), and it goes terribly wrong (you get your most hated flavor). Do you give up and never eat another gumball? Of course not, you put another quarter in the machine and without a doubt another gumball will come out. There is always going to be another man, they are lining up for a woman's attention, no matter how undesirable she may think herself. When you get to this stage, your next goal will be to sort men who you want to date from the low quality men who will be unsuitable to date.

If you are autistic, you will have to remember not to overshare at first (don't tell him about your roadkill collection unless he's a taxidermist) and don't move too fast. Autistic women can be more gullible because they haven't learned the intricate social norms of dating and unworthy men can take advantage of that. So if he's pushing for sex on the first or second date, push back and decline while still dating, or else tell him it's not working for you. If he doesn't accept your no, don't be afraid to block. Out of sight, out of mind, and now he's not your problem. Remember, it's not your fault, he brought this on himself by not respecting your no.

And if you find that there are absolutely zero men you want to date? That can be disappointing, and it is a type of mourning because you are setting aside a dream you have harbored for a long time, but it is not the end of life. For every single woman, all of you always have the choice of joining a women's land. There are entire communes of older (usually lesbian) women who do crafts and work the land who are open to other joining and carrying on the torch of the land. They offer a community that is always available. The fear of dying alone should never be one you hold, because there are always options.

If you find yourself very ugly (burns/deformity/acid attack) then I do recommend plastic surgery and make up. People are visual creatures and it can be a horrible blow to the self to find people staring and doing double takes when you go outside. If you do not have the money for the plastic surgery (say you have no nose), I recommend contacting a plastic surgeon and asking him for help. Surgeons will take on charity cases as well as he can also refer you to funds or other surgeons who will be able to help you. Call and explain your situation. There is no shame in telling your story to get help.

Anonymous 167449


Thank you for the detailed response. I will think some of these things over.

Anonymous 167462

OP here.
This sounds like a classic case of ADHD. Have you ever been diagnosed? If not, I would recommend it.

So one, you're not lazy. Humans are animals, and like all other animals, we like to perform our natural behaviors and we respond in very set patterns to certain stimuli. Without knowing more about your life, I can't give you an exact plan, but I can offer some generalizations. One, has a traumatic event or childhood happened to you? Often, by the time a woman comes to me, she will have been struggling for years. She will tell me how she does nothing but lay in bed scrolling and every time she reminds herself that she needs to do something, instead she will continue to lay there telling herself how stupid and lazy she is while continuing to scroll. So we'll talk, and eventually it will be revealed that her parents treated her horribly, telling her how stupid and lazy she is, or that she watched her mother die of cancer.

When these things are revealed, I then know for a 1000% fact that she isn't stupid or lazy, but that she is traumatized and this avolition (inability to motivate herself) stems from trauma. Even things you might not think are affecting you, that you think you've gotten over (your parent's divorce, watching a pet get killed, getting bullied in school) may still be affecting every action you take. So ruminate on what could be affecting you and if you can, start online therapy. One fact I tell all my clients, is the first step is deciding. Studies show that from the moment a patient decides to get help for her mental illness, she has an immediate reduction in the severity of her symptoms. Not even going, just deciding to make an effort about going, and already there is change.

Therapy is going to be hard. I tell you these truths not to demotivate you, but to prepare you for the truth. A good therapist is hard to find. Sometimes you'll go to a therapy session, and feel like nothing has changed. Go to a different therapist. Therapy is so individualized that you may go through 3 or 4 before finding that perfect therapist who just clicks. Personally, I always search for non-religious, slightly older (minimum 35) women. I find they have the lives most closely related to mine and so are able to provide insights and solutions I haven't thought of yet. I do not recommend going to men, as they never seem to understand.

Two, are you able to go to in person classes? Online classes are the worst thing to ever happen to people with ADHD. Classes are boring and hard work, how can they ever compete with a square box in your hand that holds endless dopamine hits? They can't, and that's a fact. Going in person will be better for your mental health because it gets you up and moving, it gets you out of the house, and it obligates you to go somewhere or else your parents start asking questions. Sometimes, I meet women who are so addicted to the dopamine rush of endless scrolling that I actually have to provide them with a clam shell phone, or else download an app that locks them out of the internet/instagram/tiktok for certain hours of each day. If you have no access to that dopamine from scrolling and you have ADHD, you will get up and do something. Your brain craves stimulation like it craves oxygen, and even reading and school work are better than nothing. Meanwhile, if even without the scrolling you continue to lay there and just listen to your breathing/do nothing, that's depression and it's a different pathway to fixing itself. For severe cases, I recommend drugs to start you on the path to recovery, but we'll talk about non-drug paths later.

Next, how do we motivate you? This can be the hardest part about having ADHD. Self set deadlines don't work because you know the person holding the whip and carrot and you know she's full of shit. She'll give in if your brain throws a long enough tantrum, so how do we trick your brain into obeying you? If you still have to do online classes, downloading that app that won't let you open youtube except for one hour a day is a good start. Two, reward your brain for attending class at all. One woman rewards herself with a gummy bear every two minutes she pays attention in class, another found that was too stressful so she bought herself a dog treat dispenser, filled it with sweet tarts, and it dispenses a sweet tart every five minutes she's sitting at her desk during her online classes. Sugar is a great way to get your motivation pathways moving, because it rewards dopamine just like scrolling does.

Along with sugar rewards, fidget toys or knitting/crochet are really good ways to keep your hands busy while your mind concentrates. If you have a stationary bike or walk way, use that. Your body requires that it be just as busy as your mind is, so don't fight it, but find some way to keep the body busy with a mindless tasks while in classes. One woman couldn't concentrate unless she was truly exercising, she so would record her classes and then go out mountain biking while listening to them.

Now, drugs are always going to be my first line of defense because no one comes to a life coach when they feel their life is only a tiny bit out of balance. By the time someone comes to me, everything is on fire. And drugs are the fastest extinguisher. But some people don't physically react well, or some people are scared of them. So there are non drug options, but I do not recommend them as the failure rate for people who use them alone when their life is already out of control is quite high.

With that being said, step one is asking yourself if you're ready to die yet. Every day, every single one of us has a choice. We can live, or we can die. And there is a lot of freedom in this choice. Knowing that you alone hold the entire power if you want to put up with this makes it all more bearable. Yeah, this task absolutely sucks, but you know what? I could kill myself tomorrow and not have to do it. That is my choice, and my choice alone. But I think petting birds, watching the leaves change, and going blue berry picking with my niece is worth it. So I stay. And part of the price of staying is completing that task. So I complete the task, because it's my choice to do so, and I want to do it.

Next, diet. Your gut flora literally control how you think and feel and you're probably feeding them garbage and so you think and feel awful. The gut flora that make you feel good thrive off of varied fiber, fermented foods, so many fruits and vegetables. The ones that make you feel bad thrive off of sugar, corn syrup, and most processed foods. And this is a permanent change. This isn't a diet you can try for a couple of months, see results, and then go back to your old habits. This will be a permanent change. Consider yourself the panda, you've got a new food niche and if you try to escape it, you're going extinct. Look up meal plans for healthy gut diets, but make sure they aren't restricting your calories. Even if you want to lose weight, let's get you eating healthy and balanced first, and then you can look at losing weight.

Step two, exercise. It would be a lot easier and more convenient if everyone touting exercise was wrong. Motherfucker, I don't want to exercise. It is truly my nature to sit on my ass and eat banana popsicles while reading wikipedia articles. But I know for a fact that if I stop my tried and true habits, it's like letting a sink clog. I won't notice it at first, but eight months later I'm laying in bed on top of a pile of dirty laundry that I can't find the willpower to move and my curtains drawn against the midday sun. So because I have decided that dying isn't worth it, I break the big task of exercising into smaller tasks. I stand up. Done. I walk downstairs. Done. I put on my shoes. Completed. And I walk out that door and I start walking. And I have done it. Now I just have to wander around for an hour and I'm allowed to go back home. As times goes on and you get more used to exercising, you'll set the bar higher. Instead of just strolling around the neighborhood, speedwalk. Instead of speedwalking, jog. You want your heart and muscles to be strong so that you're a more healthy you.

Also, many people think they hate exercise, when in reality they hate what they think exercise is. If you don't like jogging, dance in your apartment. If walking hurts your knees, get a reclining bike. Don't want to be alone? Join a Zumba class. Exercise is just movement that gets your heart rate up, and as long as you're enjoying yourself, you can skip, jumprope, ski, or walk dogs to your heart's content.

Anonymous 167500

Hi OP life coach, thanks so much for your thoughtful response back. It motivated me to do an assignment today that is due oct 30 which is good news because i usually do it the night before under pressure!

>One, has a traumatic event or childhood happened to you?

I was abused as a kid. My mom threatened to drown me if i misbehaved. sometimes she would come home stressed from work and couldn't handle a needy kid so then she'd physically abuse me as discipline (i.e., one time i refused to eat a banana so then she smashed my face into the banana on the floor and told me to not waste food, another time she made me sit outside during winter and locked all the doors out of the house because i wanted to skip school because of bullying and avoid my classmates). i didnt get much affection from my mom and my dad was a laissez faire parent in that he did the bare minimum, just fed me and bought me toys. there was no emeotional warmth in my family home.

and i got severely bullied at school. i was part of a friend group and the girl who became the 'queen bee' of the friend group suddenly decided she didn't like me and took all my friends away. i spent my recesses and lunches from grades 4-12 alone, ostracized by this mean popular girl who said that anyone who hanged out with me wouldn't be invited to her party or be her friend and shit like that. my self esteem really went down after that and i kept to myself. life sucks, kids are cruel. ever since the age of 10, my social skills are stunted and so are my life skills. i rely on my parents to do life things for me like i don't even know how to apply for a bank loan or credit card or pay my bills…

>start online therapy

i tried therapy and almost cried on the phone calling for an appointment but i did it and managed it! i was so proud of myself back then lol. except the therapist i got was really bad and just kept saying "uh huh" "tell me more" etc. and not very engaged. she didn't give me homework or give me lessons on how to control my thought processes and understand myself better. like my boyfriend's therapist would tell him to practice saying hello to random strangers and if they don't say hi back, then he can get used to being socially rejected on top of getting used to being a social initiator.

i didn't improve after therapy. my therapist was more like a "i'll pretend to be your objective friend while you vent to me for an hour" type of therapist rather than a therapist who digs deep into your mind and tries to help you + gives you feedback and advice. so i stopped going. maybe i will try again one day.

>Two, are you able to go to in person classes?

i am in my last semester so no unfortunately. i am thinking about getting a job in retail or something just so i can practice socializing and do the friendly banter of "hi how r u" dance with strangers, and maybe improve from there. i do need the money and i need SOME job experience..

what type of app do you suggest? and I always reward myself with a youtube video or a scroll through social media after doing 20 minutes of work but then i end up spending 2h watching random stuff rather than going back to work lol. i'll try the sugar hack and give myself a chocolate piece every 20 mins instead although i am a bit of a pig with no self control and might end up eating the whole chocolate bar.

>adhd and drugs

what non drug options are there? i don't think i have adhd, at least i don't think so. i have been a good student since high school but ever since i hit university i have done the bare minimum to pass because i just don't really care anymore about getting a job and i have no passion in the field im studying compared to others. i have no motivation to continue with my potential career because i feel hopeless compared to the socially competent people who completed their degrees in person, which is more desirable to HR. and in job interviews the itnerviewers can just SMELL that there is something off and odd and wrong with me. they immediately don't like me and i can see it on their faces - they visibly scowl or frown in disgust to my responses. or theyy flat out ignore my answer to their questions and that's when i know i bombed the interview - i just don't understand why they invite me and waste my time, i would rather have them end the interview early. but anyways, that is a an off-topic rant. Back onto drugs: i never took them and i know i'm not depressed because i am happy with my boyfriend, he's the only thing that's keeping me sane in this world and he makes me hope for the future.

>asking yourself if you're ready to die yet

lol yeah sometimes i get thoughts in my head about killing myself so then i don't have to live this constant anxious cycle of not doing anything. but then i ignore the anxiety by indulging in doing nothing. but then i get thoughts about "i have to do this" but i avoid and ignore that thought by distracting myself with fun dopamine hits like video games. and the cycle repeats.

>petting birds, watching the leaves change, and going blue berry picking

I really need to go outside and do something nice like that, but I am too cheap and poor to do fun activities like pumpkin picking.. so I am stuck indoors all day and I feel like it really is causing me mental anguish. it's comfortable, yeah, but it just induces my bad habits more and more.

> diet and exercise

I actually do take good care of my body because my boyfriend is a bodybuilder who eats strict diet of veggies, good carbs, fruit, and LOTS of meat for protein. we try to go to the gym 6x a week but life is rather busy at the moment we are taking a week off due to school and work. i am thinking of taking this week off from eating healthy/exercising to binge on foods i miss like ramen, mac and cheese, sushi, ice cream and chips, but idk if it's a good idea if it'll just make me feel worse.

thanks for your response nona i wasnt expecting something so in-depth. it has really helped me though! i'm planning this weekend to do a lot of school work and maybe not do bare minimum but get ahead of the curve so i can relax when december rolls around rather than be stressed out!

Anonymous 167534

OP here. I'm going to answer your questions/problems as I read through them.

>It motivated me to do an assignment today that is due oct 30

Already, I am proud of you. Reading further, my heart breaks for you. Your parents were supposed to protect and love you, and they failed you. You were a vulnerable child. I promise on my life, nothing you did was worthy of such abuse and neglect. Even the worst, most terrorizing child is worthy of love and affection. And you were not even a terrible child! You were simply a child with needs and wants like any other, and your mother could not handle that. No matter her own trauma, I am sorry that she afflicted that on you.
And children are so cruel. Although their brains were still developing and they didn't understand the consequences of what they were doing, that is only an explanation, not an excuse. You did not deserve what they did to you, and it is unfair that you now have to pick up the pieces, but I know you can.

Your path to healing will be longer than some, but because there have been many other girls who have walked it, the steps are well known. I'm going to set you some goals and give you some resources. One, I want you to practice one simple life skill per week. Look up on Youtube, "Mom, how do I?" This is a channel by a woman who will explain multiple simple household chores. Click on her channel and then go to "videos." Each week, I want you to do one. If you are feeling brave and daring, do one that seems complex like "Mom, How Do I Work On My Mental Health?" Or, if it is a tired week, you can do one like "How do I apply a bandaid?" When you have accomplished a task, be proud! It doesn't matter if you feel like you're behind and this is just catching up, you are still taking care of yourself when previously you couldn't. Think of yourself as your new mother. Your parents didn't teach that little girl life skills, so now you must teach her life skills. And every time you feel frustrated, remember: Would you be frustrated and angry at a child because she didn't know this thing? Of course not, so offer yourself space and grace to learn and grow.

If you are feeling up to it, I would also encourage you to look up "How to socialize with people" on youtube and watch at least one video each week. You are not the first person to have neglectful parents so there are many great videos on reading body language and understand social norms.

One of the greatest things about the internet is it can offer so many resources. So if you ever have a question, never hesitate to type it out in google even if you feel like it's too niche to have an answer. Many people find that answers that they thought were complex have been answered in multiple forms such as video or written articles. Every problem has a solution, you just have to figure out how to phrase the question. Things as simple as "Why does my nose run when I lay down at night?" or, "How to pay attention better in class?" Try to encourage yourself to look up solutions even if you're not ready to take the steps. The first step is knowledge, and with that, you'll find yourself wanting to fix your problems more, because you know the solution is in your reach.


It sounds like you got a bad therapist. It's much more common than people realize and most people have to go through 3-4 therapists before they can find one who works for them. It sounds like you're not ready to go back yet, and I respect that. When you are ready and feeling more up to it, you may need to go to two different kinds of therapists. One, talk therapy. This type of therapist will just listen to you. Sometimes, all we need is to be heard and for someone to tell us, "Yeah, that was super fucked up what your mother did to you." To know that our pain is valid and that we're not being over reactive or drama queens.
If you feel like you do not need that, or you have already accomplished that part and don't feel it help further, the next type of therapy is EMDR. This therapy is pricey, but it is scientifically proven to work. Seriously, you should see the difference in an MRI of people with PTSD (which you have, in fact you likely have what is more commonly know as complex PTSD) before and after EMDR. But especially if your parents are willing or able to pay for it, I recommend it.

I think an entry level job is a great idea. Ideally, you may want to get something like office work because you will be exposed to rude customers less and it will be less stressful in that aspect, but there is also great freedom in working a disposable job like fast food. With those types of jobs, you can always walk out because there is always another fast food job willing to pay minimum wage for another warm body. Now if you live in a very small town that only has three or four fast food places, I would advise against being too flippant in quitting, but remember that it's always an option if they are treating you terribly and you feel like giving up on all your progress.
I recommend the apps Offtime, Moment, or Flipd. Flipd is for extreme cases. When you tell your phone not to let you on, it locks you out until you're previously agreed upon time. Even restarting the phone won't let you back in.

>although i am a bit of a pig with no self control

You are not. You have already gotten most of the way through a degree and you have a stable relationship with someone who loves you. And your commitment to the gym? Mind blowing. That shows more self control and self determination than I see even in mentally healthy people. You need to start thinking of yourself as your friend. And if your friend told you she was lazy and a pig, would you believe that coming from someone who goes to the gym so often? Of course not. So I don't want to hear you thinking bad about yourself, because you are brilliant and worthy.


Based on what you have told me, you do sound more like depression and maybe autism than ADHD. Autism can be hard to diagnose in adult women because of female socialization and usually the skills we develop to not be bullied mask our symptoms. Like you, I was severely bullied and completely ostracized in school. So by the time I graduated high school, I was completely feral and would weird people out just by being in the same room as them. Even specialists have never been able to answer whether I have the genetic condition of autism, or if my complete lack of socialization makes it appear as I do. The answer for me was purposely learning how humans interact with each other, though socialization videos, and lots of therapy. So while you may not consider yourself depressed, it's obvious that your trauma and pain are holding you back from enjoying life. Like functioning addicts, many people are functioning depressionists and don't consider themselves depressed because they're not laying in bed trying to die.

As for your career, I would recommend getting a lower stakes job, seeing how you interact with coworkers and clients, practicing your human skills, and then trying to go back into the field. And when they ask why you you have that gap in your field in your resume? Lie. Say you were taking care of your dying grandma or something and so needed a job with more flexible hours or less stress. Interviewers just need an excuse to hire you, once you're in and not completely crazy, there has to be a pretty big reason to fire you. Just remember which grandma you were taking care of in case it ever comes up again. Plus, it's not about that exact career. If you want to retool, it's so easy. I helped one woman who went to school for anthropology, worked the field and hated it, so I had her apply to job at the university and now she works from home and approves grants. A bachelor's just shows a hiring manager that you are willing and able to jump through hoops in order to follow directions and play well with others, it ultimately doesn't really matter what it's in.


It sounds like you don't want to die. It sounds like your anxiety is more inducing intrusive thoughts as a possible escape hatch. Like I mentioned, the idea of always having an escape hatch can be soothing to some, but can be distressing to others. From what I have observed, I can guarantee that once you get into your own apartment and have a job, that they will disappear. For now, acknowledge them and allow them to pass through. And remember, if you actually wanted to die, these thoughts wouldn't cause you so much distress.

>getting out

Are there any parks near you? What about arboretums? Even getting up and taking a walk will help clear your mind. Our brains never evolved to be this simultaneously under and over stimulated at the same time. If you were where you belonged, in the forest, you would be observing the constantly moving play of light on trees or water, seeing the wind move the leaves. You would hear plants moving and rubbing against each other in the wind and the sounds of birds and insects. You would have brittle things like tree bark or dry branches to play with and make satisfying crunching noises as you broke them apart in your hands and mud to smooth or mound. Instead, you are trapped in a white box with bare walls, getting barely any sunlight while a tiny computer that is designed by people who study the human brain does everything it can to give you another dopamine hit so you'll stay addicted and make those people money. So especially if there is any place green or with trees, go out and walk. It will get you out of the house and surrounded by things that are proven to reduce stress levels and relax you. Maybe during the hours you lock your phone, one of those could be when you take your walk.

Instead of binging the whole week (because you are likely to feel bloated and sluggish after getting your body used to so many healthy things), why not limit yourself to only three treats this week. So mac and cheese one night, chips two days later, and then sushi for date night?

That is a really good goal. Getting ahead of the curve is a present to future you. And when you're there, you can look back and thank past you for her sacrifice.

So follow up question, do you have any plans to move out? If so, what do those plans look like and what is their timeline?

Anonymous 167580

Caterpillar Girl, from Hino Horror vol. 14 “Skin and Bone” by Hideshi Hino.

Anonymous 168140

Hi OP, this might be outside of your specialty, but… When I was aroubd 25 I had a stroke. Since then I have also been diagnosed as bipolar. Memory problems run in my family.

My husband constantly says that I'm stupid, have learning problems, and had ADHD.

Because I'm bipolar, I know that I shouldn't take ADHD meds because it could trogger mania. But I don't think I'm adhd at all.

Do you think forgetfulness due to a (very big) stroke coupled with only recently diagnosed bipolar could be mistaken for ADHD/a learning disability?

Anonymous 168152

>My husband constantly says that I'm stupid

not op but leave him immediately

Anonymous 168153

I always thought life coaching was gay and weird, along with therapists and all that nonsense. Essentially paying someone to be your friend, its such a weird dynamic, ingenuine. Emotional prostitution.
What made you decide to become a life coach? Why work with that demographic? Are you a CC native or did you just catch wind of the high autismo population here?

>So tell me your problems or how you're unhappy and I will attempt to solve them.

I have AvPD(emon) tendencies and most days I literally feel like its eaten up every aspect of my life. I even had a nightmare the other night which I woke up crying from where I was talking to my grandma, who I was close to when I was little but my AvPD tendencies literally devoured our relationship and now its non existent.
I feel disgusted and ashamed of myself every time someone likes me. It makes it impossible to form real close bonds with anyone, being ashamed of every aspect of myself to my very core. Its not even that being alone makes me lonely, I don't get lonely anymore, its that I HAVE to interact with people in my daily life and I can't escape these feelings every time I talk to someone. I wish I could just be a hermit and not have to cope with this.

Anonymous 168258

I was going to say this too

Anonymous 168419

OP here.
>Do you think forgetfulness due to a (very big) stroke coupled with only recently diagnosed bipolar could be mistaken for ADHD/a learning disability?
Absolutely. In fact, I would be more shocked if you had a stroke and didn't start having memory and cognitive abilities. When you have a stroke, you incur brain damage. This brain damage leads to cognitive and memory malfunctions. Did you have an ischemic or hemorrhagic stroke?

My first recommendation would be to get a cognitive assessment done by either a psychologist or occupational therapist. This assessment will give you a better idea of how your brain functions have changed. Meanwhile, do you feel your doctors have done everything possible to treat your stroke, as well as prevent a future one? Doctors are human, and sometimes from inexperience they will not pour as much care into your health as should be the gold standard. Your post stroke team should have included interdisciplinary team that may include a physician, nurse, pharmacist, physical therapist, occupational therapist, speech and language pathologist, psychologist, and recreation therapist. If you didn't go to multiple forms of therapy, talk to your doctor about getting in now. If you feel nervous or slow, have a medical advocate go in with you. This can be a friend, family, or a professional advocate who will argue with the doctor on your behalf on the level of medical care you are entitled to. The sooner the better for therapy, but the brain is very plastic and so there is never a time where it is too late to start.

If you felt your care was adequate, then you'll want to focus on treatment. Treatments for cognitive problems focus on ways to cope with the problems, rather than ‘fix’ them.
I find the phone to be an amazing tool where I have access to a library, calculator, and notepad at all times, but some people find it hard to navigate a phone or else it just doesn't feel right. If that's you, I recommending carrying a notepad with you everywhere. The notepad will function as a back up memory in the same way that a USB functions as memory for a computer. You will also want to keep a diary, but I do not recommend taking that with you everywhere as it is too easy to be lost. A diary will help you keep track of not only your emotions and events in your life, but is a way to track if you are starting to have more cognitive difficulties as well as prevent yourself from being gaslit.

I don't know what type of stroke you had, but I am reluctant to encourage ADHD medication. Although some people have success with ADHD medications while bipolar, it can also make the highs higher and the lows lower. Plus, most ADHD medications raise blood pressure and increase heart rate. So I would be concerned about inducing another stroke.

>My husband constantly says that I'm stupid, have learning problems, and had ADHD.

I am concerned about this. Partners should be people who lift us up and work with us to become the best versions of ourselves. It is true that in any given population, some people are more stupid than others, but even if that was your case, he should be lifting you up and helping you work within your limits, not tearing you down. After a stroke, a person is very vulnerable. While they relearn new brain pathways, they may not be able to complete physical or mental tasks. How did your husband support you during your recovery? Did you feel loved and cared for? If you haven't already, I recommend couples counseling. You both have been through something very traumatic, and the nature of your relationship has changed, couples counseling will help you reconnect and increase communication while managing expectations.

Anonymous 168442


life just seems boring and I don't really feel emotions that strongly. I'm confident in real life and laugh a lot but am deeply discontent with how my life turned out.
I'm also very afraid of death. Time seems to be zooming past me.
everything seems meaningless. When I was younger I felt as though my life had a story behind it and now everything is grey.

Anonymous 168472

Op here.
I definitely thought it wasn't a real job before I started it as well. I figured that everything I said is just common sense, so people must have a good reason for not doing them. But people make up all these invisible rules in their head and then follow them rigorously, so sometimes it just takes an outsider pointing out the bars of their cage before they can start to look for the door.
I became one because I was the friend who people asked questions of and I love giving advice. I didn't start out coaching autistic and ADHD women. I just started out, but many people and life coaches don't understand how autistic women communicate, so they give bad advice or else don't explain enough for it to make sense to the women, so I gained a following from word of mouth and when I realized that almost 100% of my customers had autism or ADHD, I started marketing to them directly.
There are so many undiagnosed women and they are just clinging by their fingernails to their sanity. To a woman who has autism, especially if she's undiagnosed, things just happen constantly. People do and say things randomly and take actions that have no connection to each other. When I first start, one of my first actions is to start teaching these women how neurotypical people communicate and exact words and phrases to use to communicate with them. Meanwhile, when a woman with ADHD comes to me, she'll come because the actions of her consequences have gotten so out of hand that she's in danger of losing her job and her relationships. So my actions with her are to set out an exact plan and then follow her to make sure she is accountable while also showing her how she doesn't have to do things the way someone without autism does them.

>I literally feel like its eaten up every aspect of my life

It likely has. We are social creatures so someone with AvPD traits feels like they're under constant attack and stress. The tough news is that really only EMDR therapy is going to solve your deep seated issues. At this point in your life, you have developed so many coping methods and so many false faces to attempt to handle the world without traumatizing yourself further, that there is no way I could untangle them through the internet. The good news is, AvPD responds very well to EMDR because your brain is very motivated to not be in pain anymore.

You said you feel shame when interacting with people, where does the sense of shame come from? Some examples could be like do you feel like you're tricking these people by interacting with them in what they think is a normal way? Or maybe you feel a sense of shame because you feel "broken" and "not normal." A follow up question to this is did your AvPD tendencies develop slowly through neglectful parents, or did major traumatic events happen and they appeared much more suddenly?

Though you'll develop the ability to bond with someone, you may never truly overcome your aversion to crowds. You may want to look jobs that keep you isolated. Fire lookout job (not a fire watcher) will leave you almost completely alone for an entire summer. You could be a bush pilot and drop off supplies in Alaskan camps. Truck driver is very achievable and it is expected to only say a handful of words each day. Unfortunately, light house keeper is not a profession anymore, and most convents are actually very social within their circles and the priests are pompous bastards. Copywriter can be done from home, but you'll still have to talk and have online meetings with your boss and coworkers.

Anonymous 168476

OP here.
First, how old are you? Second, your problems could stem from one of two reasons. One, it may be as simple as a chemical imbalance. Depression and anhedonia can creep up so slowly that I have had to point out to women that were telling me they're fine that they're literally living in a depression nest. If you want a faster fix, sometimes antidepressants can be the bridge that gets you out of sadness enough that you can start making the permanent changes so you'll be able to come off the anti-depressants. If you try one medication for two months but there's no difference, try another. Biochemistry is so unique that most people need to try a few different kinds before they find what they're looking for.
The second reason could be that your life simply sucks. Sometimes, through no fault of our own (or maybe because of our own decisions), life turns out bad. If your life is simply bad, there are always choices you can make to make it better. I would need to know more on why you dislike your life to give you a plan on how to improve it.

You feel let down because you kept waiting for your call to adventure, but the call never came. And it can be hard to reconcile the idea of your dreams with reality. I recommend mushrooms. Takes a trip and experience ego death. Ask your subconscious why it's unhappy. While you are high you are able to communicate with your subconscious directly. You will be able to explain to it that real life is not fantasy, but that happiness can still be found. Ask it what it wants to do with this new lived reality. From there, move forward. By the way mushrooms won't work on antidepressants so do these first.

>I'm also very afraid of death.

Could you be afraid of death because you feel like you have wasted your limited time? Do you think you would you be less afraid if you had accomplished all your dreams?

>Time seems to be zooming past me.

The brain is very efficient in space and memory storage. If you do the same thing every day (go to work, come home, eat dinner, scroll on the internet) it will take all these memories, blur them together and then store them as one memory. So to you, it feels like you've done nothing yet the entire year is gone.
In order to lengthen the experience of time, you have to make unique enough memories that they can't be compressed. Try to learn how to make something with your hands (crochet/canning/wood working), go to a new restaurant you've always wanted to try, dress in your finest clothes in order to go to an art exhibit. Just don't live the same day over and over again but in different clothes.

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