I read it and I do identify with most of the aspects, I feel like I'm only worried about being a narc because no one likes them.
I do think that I deserve better and that it's coming my way eventually despite not putting in any real effort and I get offended when people fail to see that I'm unique for all the things that make me so.
TBH I used to think I might have autism with the way I never cared about anyone, I never truly loved someone, I just played a game because this person made me look good or made me feel good, I'd become friends with the highest regarded people in any given setting, I never felt love for a man, I only wanted men that made me look good because of their looks and social status, when they leave me I get sad and angry because I lost that, nothing else, I struggle to care about people themselves and I'm convinced that everyone thinks that way but my friend mentioned insisted that it's not true and not everyone believes in terms of 'what can they bring me' and yet I still do think I'm better than these people I'm trying to associate with and I'm always burning with envy when said people are not a romantic interest, might be because a romantic interest would make me of a similar status by proxy, I have never seen anything explain it so well, I lied to my friend enough for him to calm down and for the relationship to get back to normal even though I didn't really care about him in particular, I tried to get him to forgive me because he's been by my side for months and has shown great devotion and I know it's hard to find a replacement.
I do practice self-loathing but I do it on a 1-to-1 basis to gain sympathy or to get 'corrected' but deep down I don't believe these things but I'm an excellent liar so people do become worried about me and coddle me, I think I have enough charm for most people to fall hard for me in the beginning. I do require attention, good and bad, I do things just to get a reaction like >>218548
mentioned, people often become quickly disillusioned with me when I get bored of them and do something else to get a reaction.
I don't know if it's related but I gossip about people behind their backs with no remorse, even when I'm in good terms with the person I still have no issues talking shit behind their back for entertainment but I've mastered the art of whatever this is that I can do this in a way that doesn't make me look bad, I say all these terrible things then I go back and say 'but she's a good person and my friend and I care about her…etc etc' so people think I'm just ranting.
I'm never rude to service workers and physicians nor leave a bad review because I don't want them to lose their jobs however I do still see more errors in their work than the average person would but it could be because I grew up with a parent that always got complaints against in work.
IDK if this counts as sympathy or charm but I always get people something with me when I get food and I do these things that make people think I'm a good person but I'm not sure I do it for the right cause.
When I do get defeated I get defeated hard, I lose all interest and I might cut off my relationships with people and isolate myself because of it, if I knew I wouldn't be good at something I do not try because I'm scared of trying hard and failing, I joke about not trying hard enough, >>218549
glad to see someone who talks about it from a first-person point of view, I check 8/9, I only don't think I fit in the first criteria because I do bring myself down but truly I only do it to fish for compliments, and for 9 I've been told that multiple times.
I tend to be paranoid and do hate myself too much for not being good enough.>>218548
I will try to answer these from my POV and I will try to be as partial as possible using things others said about me as reference.
>1. Do they say they will change a toxic behavior and continously keep their word about it? Without manipulation love-bombing, deflection or projection involved?
Unsure about this because I do try to change my behaviour for the other person to not leave me but it always relapse and they leave.
>2. Do they treat you as someone to be talked with and not just talked at? Are all their responses just something personal about them, but never containing any sympathy or actual interest about you?
I'm constantly trying to make the conversation not seem about me and make the other side talk but I find it hard to pay attention or really care, I redirect the convo the other way so the other person could feel better but I don't listen instead I'm occupied with preparing what to say next or how to make it go back to me.
>3. Did you think your relationship started out normal, although you then realize the narcissist started oversharing about themselves and baiting you into oversharing about yourself only days/weeks into knowing eachother? This will be how they start violating your personal boundaries and it's only going to get worse. This devolved into the narcissist TIM I know eventually standing way too close to me, staring at me for no reason, walking into my apartment and then my room before I even gave him verbal affirmation to, etc.
I got told this a lot, one of the few times I care what someone is saying is when I'm trying to get them to overshare, I find great amusement in knowing personal things about people, I have ghosted people whom I couldn't bait into this.
>4. Do they tell you things like "Everybody stops talking to me after awhile" or "All my friends leave me". Do all their relationships or hook-ups seem to fail? This is a red flag. Other people are clearly getting away because they can smell the N's bullshit.
Yeah, I go through ~2 social circles per year on average and I go through too many fleeting relationships. it's one of the reasons I'm suspecting I could be the problem.
>5. When called out for any of the toxicity above, do they resort to name-calling first thing? Ns have the emotional maturity of a 2-year old. They can only defend themselves the way a playground bully does - by calling you names and covering their ears going "LALALA".
Not really? I do get angry quite fast and I can explode but when I get called out [like in the argument with my friend I mentioned in the beginning of the thread] I tend to lack a reaction, I lack reaction when confronted or when the relationship is nearing the end in general and I do not feel regret, I get over people really fast.
>6. Tieing in with #2 and #3, do they take and share way too many photos and videos of themselves? The TIM I talked to felt the need to send a picture of himself and whoever else he was hanging out with every.single.time. I was baffled and had never seen anything like this before. He was treating me like his personal social media feed. Like he had to flex his appearance and "social life" at me. I must have been made to look at over 20-30 photos of his ogre face and his ogre-faced friends face over the course of knowing him. He's manically obsessed with "displaying" himself. He'll even show off his own unfunny as shit tweets by quoting and screenshotting them at people.
Yeah I do this, I like to post on social media and in DMs about what I'm doing and with whom, even when it's not photos I talk a lot about the other people I know even when it's not relevant.
I have had times people suspected me to be an autist, a sociopath, or a BPD but there is always a major thing off, but with NPD I check most of the boxes.
picrel is scarily accurate about me. I'm not gonna self-diagnose nor go to a psychiatrist because all they would do is take money and tell me I'm a bad person, I will however try and make the world less centred around me.
I think it's a relief to a degree if I do have NPD so I can stop looking for terms to explain my behaviour to others who question it; 'hypergamy', 'punching up', 'surrounding myself with people I aspire to be', 'wasted talents'.
I will probably think there is nothing wrong with me tomorrow and that everyone around me expects a fairytail when I'm the realistic one but for now I do see the possibility that I could be a narcissist.