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/feels/ - Advice & Venting

Talk about relationships of all kinds, ask for advice, or just vent

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Anonymous 100797

I've followed someone for an embarrassingly long amount of time and spent countless hours consuming everything they did and digging for hidden information. I built up an idealized version of them in my head, sophisticated, cultured, intelligent, good taste. I felt so inferior and tried so hard to be like them.

I just found some videos they were in ages ago and now I feel completely deflated. Worse, I feel stupid for obsessing and following them for so long.

It's hard to explain but they come across as so bland and basic. I'd already gradually learned that their sophisticated image wasn't completely real but I'd never seen them interact casually and unscripted before. They talk about how they spend their time and it's pretty much the opposite of what I had thought. Heck, my life is closer to the idealised version.

I can't believe I wasted so much time and energy on them. I want to cry it's that bad. I just feel so stupid. I only watched a few of the videos and don't know if I can even finish them.

Anonymous 100801

aw nona, first rodeo? in time you'll be aware from the start that it is only an idealized fantasy version of the person, and not only will it not bother you, you will enjoy it.

Anonymous 100806

Did you have a crush on this person? Or did you just want to be like them?

I ask because I’ve experienced both, especially the latter. I still find myself finding a beautiful woman on Instagram, going through her feed and thinking about how beautiful she is. How life would be easier to look like her, have her body and her aura. Social media is great at getting you to idealize someone else’s life. I too have lived a false life online and amassed a couple thousand of followers in a niche culture I was once a part of. The reality was that I had few friends in real life. I would get hundreds of likes on my post, with some going vira and getting thousands.

I say this to say the internet is not real, but you already knew that. Success online does not translate into success in real life, but i’m not going to lie and say that it didn’t help boost my confidence because it did.

I remember being a big 1D stan on Twitter. I out my notifications on for this one girl. I was obsessed with her account. I never harassed her but one day she blocked me :(
This was back in 2015. I’ve since grown up and forgot about her until this post. This is also true for many crushes i’ve had. I believe this is also a phase for you. Believe me, a year from now, you will not care about this person. You will be freed from this.

Anonymous 100815

Thanks for replying. This wasn't actually my first obsession but by far the longest and deepest. Not a crush but wanting to be like them. And then hating them at times when I felt they failed to live up to my fantasy. Very mixed emotions but seeing the videos were so jarring that it snapped me out of it completely. Worse than love or hate for them is being bored.

I think I also projected my ideal self onto them, latching onto their posts that fit this image and glossing over the rest. At least I have a strong idea of my ideal self if nothing else.

I did end up forcing myself to watch the rest of the videos as I wanted to intensify the feeling to make sure I won't fall back into obsessing. Before I thought if we met we could have been friends if they accepted me, now I would make an excuse to leave early.

Anonymous 100835

I hope I'd be able to relate to this eventually. The motivation I get out of obsessions is great, but the jealousy I feel is overwhelming at times

Anonymous 100882


OP here. I couldn't understand before why I could not let this particular person go no matter how hard I tried. I read some people's experiences with idealization and idolization and this one stuck out to me in particular. It's not exactly the same thing but it made me realize the reason I latched onto this person in particular was because this was who I wanted to be deep down inside but I didn't know it then.

I did become more like the (curated) them. And I still a have an achievable fantasy self to keep working towards. It was a very painful process but now that I look at it differently. I'm happy to have clear goals to continue to work towards. The pain of not being like them made me push myself more and more towards the fantasy self. I don't know if I would have done it as much if the strong feelings hadn't been there.

Now I have no desire whatsoever to follow them. I still want to explore the curated idea them but it's now divorced from actual them so I'm in control. I don't need to follow their posts to see what curated them is doing, I can just think what fantasy me would do. I can make moodboards by what feels right and not what I am told is right. It feels very light and freeing.

Anonymous 101528

Thank you for sharing this!
> it made me realize the reason I latched onto this person in particular was because this was who I wanted to be deep down inside but I didn't know it then.
This is true for me as well! Meeting that person was eye opening in a way, prior to that I was just sort of going with the flow, I had objectives like trying to keep up with other people and just have a normal life, and my own joys and anxieties related to them. On the one hand I was happier and more content, on the other I didn't really know what I aspired to be. That person showed me the life that I wanted to have, but didn't even think about… Like, almost every aspect of their life seemed so fulfilling to me, and I couldn't even formulate it before. The downside to this was that my own life immediately started to feel kind of worthless and dull, my own achievements useless, and instead of being grateful for what I already have, I started berating myself for not having figured out what I want earlier. And it was so intense that I didn't (and still don't) know how to cope with it.
There are good parts in this, like I figured out my goals and stopped being so passive and stopped daydreaming about fictional scenarios as a form of escapism (and started daydreaming about having an idealized version of their life, but at least it's more realistic), but along with motivation I also feel despair that I won't ever catch up and that I can't compete, and embarrassment for having any serious aspirations whatsoever (like who, me? No way I'm worthy). But change is never comfortable, and it hurts to become better. I hope that I would come to separate that person from the idea that I want to work toward achieving. Good luck, nona! I hope that we're going to make it.

Anonymous 101883

Thats how I feel about every moid I ever got interested in. Rape, misogyny, porn, pedophilia and stuff like that is what I found about in every one of those moids after spending SO MUCH time being invested in them and in love

Anonymous 101884

I idolized a girl I knew online for a year and then she turned out to be a pedophile and acted like I'm the bad person because of the things I say. I couldn't rationalize it that she's a pedo (into female children) at first. It makes me feel so humiliated because I get attached to people I interact with closely willingly.

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