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/feels/ - Advice & Venting

Talk about relationships of all kinds, ask for advice, or just vent

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Anonymous 102809

I was recently raped by a stranger, and one of my moid acquaintances reached out to ask me how I was doing. He ended up professing to a crush on me and told me he loves me. He said he won't be pushy about sex because I have some issues surrounding that. Is this a good sign? I'm just amazed that he doesn't think I'm damaged goods or anything, but part of me thinks it might be a trap.

Anonymous 102817

you have just experienced something extremely traumatic. something that will alter your perception on love, intimacy, and your self worth. it’s extremely important to be mindful of any psychological changes you might feel following an event like that.
giving him the benefit of the doubt, and that he maybe actually means that he loves you, the timing of that confession comes off as selfish and emotionally ignorant. the moid initially approached you by asking how you are doing, which can signify that he cares. however the fact that he confessed his feelings right after suggests that he messaged you with the ulterior motive of getting his feelings off his chest, even while knowing what’s happened to you. if he was more emotionally mindful, he’d assist you with processing the event as a role of support, not by proclaiming his love to you. if you decide to accept his advances this can be a red flag as you may be emotionally neglected when you will need it most.
but that’s giving him the benefit of the doubt. there’s always the more pessimistic outlook that he may not even mean it, and he’s using this as a chance to prey on someone who he knows is weak. note the sexual reassurance he told you along with a badly timed confession. he knows that you may be thinking of this as a possibility, but wants to distinguish those doubts you have so he won’t be held accountable if this were to happen.
i’d be weary and proceed with caution. but i’d honestly avoid jumping into romantic relations and use this time period to process the event. if he truly loves you, he will support you in that.

Anonymous 102823

This happened to me EXACTLY as your described. I'd just started hanging out with a friend from high school when I was raped and I told him about it some time later. After months of being completely platonic, he suddenly became more intimate, more caring and told me he'd had feelings for me since we were in school.

Nona, if you think he's at least a decent person, I can tell you right now he's wracked with regret and guilt that he can't show because he doesn't want to hurt you. Moids are emotionally immature and when my moid blurted that out to me, it was out of a misguided sense of affection; like piling on his love would somehow fix the pain I was in. Of course, he realised soon after how clumsy and stupid that was, and that he acted out of urgency to try to fix me as soon as he could to stop that pain. He saw a leak in a boat and took the most expedient, and in his mind, most impactful solution.

I think you should consider your feelings, and regardless of if there's any there for him, turn him down. You need a support base, not a boyfriend, and if he rejects you or leaves, then you can say for certain he was preying on your weakness. Learn from my mistake of throwing myself at him because I thought I'd never have another chance and becoming totally emotionally reliant on him for everything.

Also, you should absolutely read darker intentions into this from the start, as >>102817 says. Doesn't matter if it's true, you should always keep it in mind when you're vulnerable around anyone.

Anonymous 102827

>I'm just amazed that he doesn't think I'm damaged goods or anything
as most people, or at least decent human beings. he isn't special, he just desperately wants to seem so.
i'm sorry to say this because it can come off as extremely harsh, but i's rather tell you this now than you having to find out eventually in a much worse way: you can't know if he sees you that way or not.
he might be honest, but he might as well be posturing, and the reason why i say this is because as other nonas pointed out, his confession came in an extremely delicate moment that should be about you only, and he goes and turns it on himself by professing deep feelings.
there are high chances he is using your vulnerable state to get what he wants, which is a relationship, or simply sex (and the two are very interlinked anyways for most scrotes) by acting a specific way and painting himself as a good guy. think how you would think if you didn't go through what happened to you nona when it comes to judging his behavior.
i wish you peace, happiness and recovery. it's not and it will never be your fault.

Anonymous 102840

be careful , he could be taking advantage of your vulnerability right now.
You need time to recover, without some moid molding you to how he wants while you're in this kind of state. I'm speaking from experience here. He could be a genuinely nice person, but please don't rush into anything. You're not broken or damaged goods.
I hope you're doing okay, and things will start to feel normal again with time. Sending you lots of comfort.

Anonymous 102921

He either cared about you already and the rape made him act on it or he is taking advantage of your vulnerability. Could be both actually.
>He said he won't be pushy about sex because I have some issues surrounding that.
This is a polite way of saying that he does want to have sex but he is happy to wait until you feel comfortable with him. If you go full asexual then he's not interested.
>damaged goods
He either cares about you and that means nothing to him, or he now thinks you're low enough hanging fruit that he can easily pick you. Good luck finding out which it is.

Anonymous 102924

Really sorry to hear what happened to you. Hope you're doing okay and I really hope this guy is being genuine - be hopeful, but tread carefully.

Anonymous 102966


Something very similar happened to me with a "friend" and then someone who I only really considered a friend of a friend reached out and told me that had a crush on me, I felt so vunerable and the feeling of someone telling me they cared so deeply for me when I was at my lowest really felt powerful to me and even though under different circumstances I probably wouldn't have entertained it and even though he wasn't me type (he wasn't unattractive tho) I agreed to date him.
Because of how vunerable I was and how the witness to what happened refused to speak out I never got justice but I felt happier knowing I had someone with me who truly loved me and of whom I had learned to love as well. I considered him my rock and obvious red flags like the way he'd treat my friends and how he told his mum about me and she scoffed at me and blamed me for what happened to me, were things I overlooked because I desperately wanted to feel worth loving. Anyway nearly two years later he completely fucked me over, we were meant to live in uni housing together with two friends and one friend has just dropped out, my then boyfriend bombed his dissertation meaning he couldn't do masters with me and decided to go to my work while I was working and literally on the shop floor and announce that he found two random men on Facebook market place to take his and our friends place in the house despite the fact I was looking into moving one of my female friends in and also the fact of how scared I was of men because of my experience. This was also on the day of my best friends birthday of whom I was going to celebrate with after work. When my friends saw me walk home crying he tried to convince them I was just sad he couldn't make the year for masters as opposed to how terrified the idea of living with random men made me.
Anyway my point is that you need to look seriously at this person and consider if they're actually someone you would want to date outside of the mental state you're in. There is a chance this person is just trying to be with you because they know you're vunerable and likely to go along with it and there's a chance they might not be a good person at all for you and trauma bonding yourself to them isn't a good idea.

Anonymous 103015

Moids only want sex. Words are but a means to achieve said goal. Doesn't matter what the message he tries to convey. Stay away from a relationship with that man or you'll end up even worse

Anonymous 103030

That is profoundly gross of him to do op.

Anonymous 103092

Am OP. I found out he told his group of friends about me being a rape victim and bragged about how I sent him nudes. He also told them he likes that I have low self-esteem and don't ask for respect.

Anonymous 103093

I'm sorry you wasted any amount of time on this idiot, I hope karma gets him for being so awful to a victim of sexual violence of all people

Anonymous 103151

i'm sorry that happened to you, you should talk to someone who cares about you or your family, and id suggest to tell your parents about him harassing you

Anonymous 103152

All men really are the same. I'm so sorry.

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