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/feels/ - Advice & Venting

Talk about relationships of all kinds, ask for advice, or just vent

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My boyfriend wants to marry me unofficially Anonymous 104018

We have been together for four years now. We are both from different regions of Germany and had a long-distance relationship going on, before our first meeting after 6 months of talking online. We have been living together for a year and half now. He is tall, ruggedly handsome, has striking blue eyes and very intelligent and can talk about any topic for hours. He has always been right-wing, while I was more apolitical left-leaning, but that has never been a problem. We both accept each other as we are and have interesting conversations about it. We have been talking about marriage for a week now and he basically said he doesn't accept the monopoly of the state on the definition of words, because they allowed same-sex marriage and made marriage a "femdom bondage contract". So he said he would only consider marrying me privately without getting officially married.

What do you think about this, nonas? I know there are many situations, where marriage gives you an advantage, not just in terms of taxes. Like being able to visit your partner in a hospital, being able to make decisions for them, if they are incapable, not being forced to answer any questions in front of a court incriminating your spouse, to name a few I can think of. What are some other arguments I could use to make marriage seem like a good idea?
And would you agree to this? I haven't made a decision yet. I never felt strongly about marriage, but during my time with him I warmed up to the idea.

Anonymous 104020

wtf is the point of being right winged if you're not trad?

Anonymous 104021

Sounds like a guy who's high on MRA rhetoric. Be careful with him and definitely don't take marriage lightly or push it. If a man doesn't want to marry you, at best he's gonna give you a "shut up ring" and resent you for the rest of that marriage. Either he's enthusiastic about your partnership or he can fuck off.
If you are hell-bent on marrying him, bring up the topic of getting a prenup to soothe his fears about being in a "femdom bondage contract" kek. Remember that marriage is an institution that benefits men 100%, he's just pissy that he will need to start taking you seriously and won't be able to get away with mistreating you.

Anonymous 104027

Marriage is between you, him, God, your families and your friends. It should be an oath, not a contract, so the state really can't make it official regardless. It exists only as a concept in your eyes and your social circle's eyes.

That being said, since it doesn't matter what the state thinks, he shouldn't care so much about it. Sounds like he is afraid of the leverage you will get, and that it might upset the power dynamic of the relationship.

Anonymous 104036

Is your boyfriend a /pol/ user?

Anonymous 104037

>he doesn't accept the monopoly of the state on the definition of words, because they allowed same-sex marriage and made marriage a "femdom bondage contract"
I'd be embarrassed to let anybody know this dude breathed the same air as me, even strangers on the internet.

Anonymous 104038

>he doesn't accept the monopoly of the state on the definition of words, because they allowed same-sex marriage and made marriage a "femdom bondage contract". So he said he would only consider marrying me privately without getting officially married.

sounds like an excuse he pulled out of his ass to not marry u lol. pick better next time anon


Anonymous 104301

Screenshot 2023-09…

This 5-year difference is an argument for marriage. Without it, you might spend your last years in poverty or at least a lower quality of life: a burial plot to pay, growing health costs etc.

Anonymous 104399

He is bonkers, leave him. You’re in for a bad time

Anonymous 104407

It's not that he's against marriage, he's just against marrying you.

Anonymous 104409

This. He sounds like an actual schizo.

Anonymous 104431

Why do moids make it so obvious when they post here?

Anonymous 105438

a guy like that isnt someone you wanna be around for the rest of your life, he wants to live a lifestyle where everything is catered to him while he risks nothing and doesn't commit to anything, he doesn't want to commit because he thinks he has options, i think you should break up because you're too different and he sounds like he isn't really keen on having you for the rest of his life.

Anonymous 105557


I can speak for English countries, but not specifically for Germany. His perspective is probably different, but I have the outlook of a historian and lawyer on this matter.
Common law marriages were the law for centuries in anglophone countries until they were abolished around the year 1900 (at least in America) to force the emerging migrant Catholic Church out of power over the family. During medieval times, the church held absolute power over family law, but the reformation saw this power transferred to common law in England. When Irish and Italians started pouring into the country, there was a massive political fight with protestants trying to keep the Catholic Church out of the family (where it could influence politics). Similar things happened across the west during the 'progressive' era. Therefore, the government made marriage a contract with the state on the state's terms, and, due to statist marriage law, this is typically seen as favoring women with no-fault divorce etc. Previously, marriage was a sacred and unbreakable covenant between man, wife, and God as the major partner. Any obligations not met would result in severe penalties through the church magistrate.

It's also pretty disgusting how the state uses marriage. It simply becomes a tool for controlling family life and people's conception of it. This trivializes the family as a minor partner to the state and reduces marriage to a dissolvable 'promise' with no obligations, which is horrible for man, woman, children, and society. In this case, the only advantages to the official documentation are what the other posters mentioned, which are important depending on the 'inheritance laws' in your country (also very corrupt in their intent).

His perspective is valid, But you ought to consider a primary and secondary nature to the marriage. If you are first married in a binding covenant of faith, then simply signing a court document is only a secondary and unimportant action requesting acknowledgement from corrupt overlords.

Anonymous 105559

I don't think it's unreasonable for the primary earner, be it a moid or a woman, to be hesitant about signing the papers. Of course, that's assuming he's earning much more than you do. If he doesn't, then I'd start getting suspicious.

Anonymous 105561


>he doesn't accept the monopoly of the state on the definition of words, because they allowed same-sex marriage and made marriage a "femdom bondage contract"

Your boyfriend's views of marriage are similar to my own, so I agree with it. The traditional view of marriage is outdated for the modern world and contributes almost nothing in a relationship that you can't already do without it, such as sharing finances and living together. It's just a social expectation to officially document a relationship. It does not and should not define the strength of your relationship.

>Like being able to visit your partner in a hospital

>being able to make decisions for them

Why would these require marriage either? Please elaborate.

Anonymous 105563

Do you want to marry this guy? He told you that he's a misogynist nazbol. How could you possibly think a man like this wouldn't use marriage to exert control over you. You should feel lucky he's so disinterested. Do you really think this sort of person will ever see you as an equal?

Anonymous 105591

He won’t have any control. He doesn’t want the state involved. She can leave whenever she wants. He wants to provide her the ceremony and the ring without legal entanglements.

Anonymous 105594

He's a fool, sorry to say. Maybe he has some growing up to do.

Anonymous 105595

>non-committal asshole
>"femdom bondage contract"
Leave him. He clearly doesn't trust you.

Anonymous 105597

Seems a bit silly you want to trade what you have for a worthless piece of paper from the state. There are plenty of people who aren’t square and are infinitely engaged and happy. The things you said were missing could easily be a signed contract anyways I hope you find happiness.

Anonymous 105678

Your boyfriend essentially wants to avoid the risk of divorce rape. I would just roll with it if he's handsome, principled and treats me well.

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