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/feels/ - Advice & Venting

Talk about relationships of all kinds, ask for advice, or just vent

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Anonymous 104019

My mom is probably mentally not particulary healthy and idk what to do now.
Of course I love her as her child, which makes the situation even worse. She is a bit obsessed with me (only child). She behaves completely different towards me than to others and she pays me a lot of money for my studies, or rather living with my bf and paying rent and food.
I don't really know how to even describe the problem I would like to talk about.
She and my dad have always argued a lot since I remember, but never divorced. They are completely different types of personalities. Recetly they don't argue that much, but she is practically terrorizing anybody who doesn't want to do what she wants. She is a manager and experiences a lot of stress at her work. She cope by sport and tourism, but it is getting out of hand. She walks or runs many km everyday. She needs to go for tourism and sights every weekend for both days. She doesn't really have any good friends (and doesn't talk with her family) to go with and since I don't live there all the time, she makes my dad to go with her. He isn't interested in it, but she yells at him until he yields to go.

She have this crazy mood swings when she yell and somebody and in 10 minutes brings them presents. She also often change plans (like 5 times and often in very short term) and changes her opinions from extreme to extreme. She never makes concessions, for example they wanted to see me for my bday. Me and my dad wanted to go to a pub for beer, but she doesn't like pubs (it was a nice and design pub), so she was very unpleasant and trying to cause argue with him. She also never listens to anybody telling her what to do and doing only what she thinks fit.

For example they agreed to go away for few days and I should have come to be at their house. The day before the departure, she reportedly started screaming at dad, refusing to go. She never said why and she told is was because something I strongly doubt. She was in such a rage, my dad left the house driving just far away because she was saying him to get out.
I knew this before I called her and asked where dad is - she told me she doesn't know, probably arranging something. She was clearly nervouse but didn't want to tell me what happened.

I suspect her to have a kind of personality disorder. But I don't know what to do, because this situation is unsustainable but I am afraid of telling her something. She is incredibly mean to my father, but we don't belive divorce would be a solution because ofc other people need to live with her on and I can't imagine having a children, telling her not to give him something for food, because she wouldn't listen to my with anything. As she is no interested in taking criticism and doing what we think she should, I don't know how to tell her to visit a psychologist. Any suggestions?

Anonymous 104022

usually when women get like this it's because the men have done or are doing something that's driving them insane (e.g. gaslighting, a major betrayal, weaponized incompetence, stonewalling or avoidance etc.). These ways of psychologically abusing women are often subtler and harder to notice than outright yelling, which is what makes them so much more insidious. Try to understand what's really happening.

Anonymous 104024

might be autism

Anonymous 104028

yeah except she is clearly the abusive party in every relationship she has, to the point of both her husband and daughter being terrified of saying anything to her.

Sounds like your mother might have BPD or some sort of manic disorder. Her behavior sounds like it would be very difficult to deal with, especially from a mother. I hope for the best for all of you.

If she could understand her problems, it might make her better able to control herself and apologize after episodes of rage, but ultimately BPD can't really be "cured" it can only be managed. Of course that is still better than this. The problem is that the only way to get it treated is if she wants it to be treated, and the only way she would want it to be treated was if she saw the pain it caused to people she loves. As long as everybody goes along with it, she will continue.

Anonymous 104029

>She have this crazy mood swings when she yell and somebody and in 10 minutes brings them presents.
sounds like my mom. complete mental case. but she was also raped as a kid. makes me wonder if that is the reason she acts like that. sorry i feel i don't have advice for you. it's difficult to revert personality disorders like this especially if the person refuses help.

i don't condone manipulation tactics but since she puts you on a pedestal you can use this to guilt trip/question/stonewall her behaviour for the better until she considers working on herself. make her doubt her abusive actions and turn it into a problem between the two of you, until she turns it into a problem with herself.

Anonymous 104031


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