confusion of identity Anonymous 105166
reading fakeboi threads on lc made me feel sad and reminisce my childhood as i feel i mildly relate to their struggles of not feeling as though i fit in with typical gender roles. i could like girly things, dress and look feminine – but if i weren't pretty, it would all crumple before me and feel like a masquerade – as if i were a troll attempting to be a girl, and how laughable i imagined everyone thought of that. it feels as though men are graced with the ability to be nonchalant about their identity with the world, not needing to be the best-looking, smartest, or most mature within their community. that, somehow, their core self could be and is arguably expected to be outside social structures. it's okay if a man is ugly because his existence within a community is not the bane of his existence, and he can have interests that align with what he finds interesting, and that is automatically intriguing merely based off the assumption from his sex that what he likes isn't based off social affirmation. that, as a male, you are seen as an individual rather than an asset that performs. i also liked yaoi, and concluded that heterosexual relationships were loveless and based off a transaction of female-male dynamics, and how that made them feel. overall, identity is confusing and especially during girl-hood, because in many situations girls grow up and feel as though they can't simply be 'a girl' before x. whereas men are viewed as primitive souls who exist within a modern world, women are seen exclusively a part of the modern world. our sex is not differentiated from our consciousness. when i was younger, i hated the idea of being a female because i associated it purely with an identity that i couldn't live up to. but alas i was too based and thought to myself that being trans would forever be seen as a separate identity to being a man, and so i continued to pretend to be a bio male online rather than take the schizo narc route. i know that many of you have experienced to some degree or another what i have. but even now, i feel like a nlog that is somehow different from other girls. when i stare too long in the mirror, i see the same child that felt like an ugly troll amongst beautiful, REAL girls years ago. i still feel like no woman would want to be friends with me because they can sense that there is something off with me. that i am not apart of their tribe. i still create complex personalities that bring me so much shame because i just simply afraid of how they would react if i were 'myself.' but what is that? i don't know.
