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/feels/ - Advice & Venting

Talk about relationships of all kinds, ask for advice, or just vent

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toxic clinginess and how to cure myself of it Anonymous 106703

whenever a friend or SO tells me that they have to go or are about to go to sleep to end the convo, and I see they're still active, it really infuriates me and I obsess about it and wonder if there's something wrong with me and watch to see how long they stay active etc.

But I just realized how toxic this is. I have lots of emotional problems and used to use this to justify this behavior but I cant. Its beginning to show an underlying issue, which is that in my insecurity, I need to be shown attention all the time and never let someone I care about do their own thing for too long because I start to fear that they now hate me or are about to leave me etc.
And really, why its so toxic is because Im basically denying these people the right to have lives or interests outside of me. As a mental/emotional exercise lately, I'm going to try to just let them be, not obsess over it when I see something like this, and trust them sometimes. Has anyone else with this problem found a reliable way to work through it?

Anonymous 106704

>whenever a friend or SO tells me that they have to go or are about to go to sleep to end the convo
not only this in particular, but I do this in a lot of other situations too where I feel insecure or have some suspicion that I'm being forgotten about, or avoided, or that someone is beginning to hate me or getting ready to abandon me, etc.

Anonymous 106706

same same nona. I find just staying single and using meditation to remain comfortable staying single ultimately was the most peaceful experience for me. the issue with having abandonment issues is that it also does tend to lead you to settle for subpar men as well, so it's hard distinguishing whether you've been wronged or are doing the wrong. staying alone is much safer and more conducive to long term emotional stability.

Anonymous 106709

I guess you have to believe in people, but sadly it's trust issues usually from neglect or childhood episodes where you felt alone that makes fear of abandonment happen.

I don't know if this is a good idea but what I did in my past relationships was to ask them for constant assurance, which of course resulted in responding with annoyance and frustration with time. I eventually realized that these people are not good for me, because they'd care about my feelings if they did. Some of them made fun of me, and some of them told me that I'm being irrational when I expect assurance. This is probably the normal response from neurotypicals but it didn't suit me.
So I simply devalued them to get out of my clinginess.

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