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/feels/ - Advice & Venting

Talk about relationships of all kinds, ask for advice, or just vent

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Have you ever lost a best friend? Anonymous 108240

My best friend in the whole world just broke off our friendship and idk what to do with myself. I am heartbroken and devastated to my core but as a coping mechanism I think my brain has entered a state of shock — similar to when someone gets shot/stabbed and they don’t realize it until the severe pain kicks in later — I will likely have a severe mental breakdown pretty soon but until then, have you ever lost a bff ? If so, how did you cope with it ? I feel rly scared right now but I know I need to prepare myself for the pain that is to come once this finally hits me……

Anonymous 108241

I never had a friend breakup but i had a friendship grow distant with time and circumstance. It is indeed as heartbreaking as a romantic fallout if not more. I don’t understand why we’re only expected to invest in romantic relationships because frankly my friends have always been more fulfilling to me than any relationship. I love them with all my heart and would gladly dedicate my all to them, IF I KNEW THAT IT WOULD BE RECIPROCATED. The thing is though i learned very young that that level of dedication to mere friendship is unnatural and can turn people off. Not in the sense that you’ll be stepping over someone’s boundaries but in the sense that you’ll think about them before you think about yourself and think about doing nice things for them unprovoked. I was so gullible when i was young that i could never entertain the thought that people usually engage with friendships out of a transactional place, and that friendships never take up so much space in their heads (and that’s probably why they have so many). I get so frustrated when people conflate the raw undiluted affection and love you could harbor towards someone as strictly non platonic and OFC it has to be sexual otherwise you’re an asexual or a social freak. Fucking hell. Why? I didn’t choose my family members. Yet im bound by social convention to tolerate them and accommodate and aid them whenever needed. But my friends? The people with whom i click and share values and experiences? Those im supposed to be able to drop at a moment’s notice. It’s fucked up.

Anonymous 108243

I've lost quite a few friends over the years. It hurts but you'll learn to get over it with time. For me, it helped me realize there was a reason why our friendship dissolved and that the person I've grown into is completely different than who I was in those old friendships. Hang in there. It's going to take time to get over this.

Anonymous 108244

I've lost all my friends I've made at school, college, and so on. Not because they left me, but I guess I didn't put an active effort in sustaining it. I've also lost some friends who I've thought would be there for me forever.

It hurts for a few weeks, maybe few months, but trust me, in a few months, or maybe a year, you'll come back and see this thread and laugh at it. Time heals. You'll move on.

Just prepare to land safe when the reality of losing your friend hits. Don't fall into something toxic just because you can't handle the loneliness.

Anonymous 108261


I am a very outgoing and friendly person and I usually get on well with everyone, and it kinda hurts me if someone dislikes me. Well in my uni class literally everyone except this one guy obviously disliked me and showed me the fact and I had no idea why. Idk I really bonded with the guy we spent a lot of time together, he would cheer me up a lot and improve my mood whenever I brought up how I feel bad that the others dislike me. We also had the same sense of humor idk he wasn't my type but he was definitely my best friend for several months. Then one day, he abruptly started being a lot colder towards me, lowkey avoiding me and telling me harsh stuff… Then one day as he was leaving class, he was getting on an elevator and I told him the same thing as usual that I dunno why everyone dislikes me and he told me something completely different than usual: "well, it is because at the beginning of school year you acted really weird and that kinda put off everyone and they decided they'd rather avoid you". This was so sudden that I literally just froze, and watched him leave on the elevator by himself. Literally our friendship ended when that elevator door closed.

I then had myself transferred to a different group and I get on together better with the people there but fuck it still hurts, I still see him in the hallway sometimes and whenever I do it literally ruins my mood for the next few hours. The fact that we went from best friends who would dine at each other's places and now I cannot even see him without thinking of ways to hurt him back even though it has been months and he probably does not even think about me anymore.

Anonymous 108263

Most of my friend groups have just fizzled out over time with no ill will towards each other.
The only really negative one was online so I don't know if it even really counts. She got really possessive once I started e-dating a guy from our circle. Turns out she thought I was gay and that "we were basically a couple anyway". That was the end of our friendship and it made it super awkward with the guy so that never went anywhere either, not that I was expecting it to honestly. I'm glad I'm past that point in my life and I still cringe thinking about it.

Anonymous 108269

>I told him the same thing as usual that I dunno why everyone dislikes me
I mean have you considered that maybe it's not the nicest having a friend who's constantly whining about being disliked by others? If you talk about that frequently it probably became off putting after a while.

Anonymous 108277

I lost one of my best friends around 18 months ago. It gets better. I never got an explanation why, just "I don't want to be your friend anymore" and got cut off by the entire group. Either I did something horrible and didn't realise it, or she got bored of me because I got a bf around that time that she would try to encourage me to cheat on (her whole schtick was that relationships aren't real, cheating isn't a big issue) and I actually liked my bf at that time lol. I guess I kinda wish I was the one to leave instead. Losing her somehow though hurt more than any relationship heartbreak I've ever experienced.
Unless you know you have done something horrible (and if you did, you would've probably been told about it in SOME way), don't let it get you down. Empathetic people don't "break off" friendships unless it was literally toxic for them to be in it. You might grow apart and you might find a way to continue the friendship in a way where you communicate less, check up on each other etc, but completely purposefully cutting someone off to the point without reason, in a way that literally breaks your heart, reeks of their own personal problems. I think people do this a lot out of jealousy/spite or because they are shallow people and believe you bring down their social status. In that case just think good riddance

Anonymous 108283


My best friend doesn't really talk to me anymore. She started gradually distancing herself in high school and by the end I think we only really talked because the friendship was parasitic and/or she was too passive to ever fully push me away. We both TIF'd out at that time, but she's still TIF and we've grown apart by taking different paths in life (Can't relate to eachother very much anymore) and getting closer with other people (Since high school, she chose to be closer to her relationship and online friends).

For some reason, she's still messaged me once in a blue moon to sperg about video games/anime like always. However, since high school, apart from a brief period of being co-workers at a fast food job she helped me get when I was struggling, we've only seen eachother in-person about two or three and it was only for a few minutes to drop something off. I've tried to get us to hang out but she makes excuses and doesn't seem interested anymore. I think she only wants to keep me as some of kind online friend now. It's weird, but since she's expressed preference for having online friends over IRL ones I'm not really surprised.

Well, maybe it's for the best. She seems like she'll never snap out of her TIFness at this point and hasn't changed much in a positive direction. I've tried to keep steering my life in a positive direction, meanwhile she decides to wear male names online that sound like something from a Final Fantasy game, uses icons on Twitter of furries with trans pride flags, re-posts cringe takes online, and pursued post-secondary education and a career much more half-heartedly. She had gotten engaged to her boyfriend from high school recently and now apparently he called it off. Gee, I wonder why. The guy never even seemed like someone who would unironically see an Aiden with breasts and a still clearly very female voice as a man. Maybe he finally had enough of this weird shit.

I've tried much harder to grow and push my life to be better, despite all the obstacles I've had, on the other hand. I wish she'd do the same but she's much more complacent in living in her bubble.

Anonymous 108284

>mfw even your own shadow leaves you at night

Anonymous 108328

I was obsessed with Sasuke when I was 15.

Anonymous 108329

It was a slow burn loss. She started leaning into Christianity and conservatism like it was a cult, from the beginning and then started defending outlawing abortions that save pregnant woman's lives.

Anonymous 108383

One day I realized I wasn't her best friend, probably never had been. I was merely an acquaintance to her and the whole group I tagged along with, so I left. I've been sad and angry and depressed and pretty much restructured my life around this event and she's still in my dreams all the time because she was my oldest childhood friend. As much as I loathe it it's just a part of life now that once she was here and now she's not.

Anonymous 108673

We met in high school, at a time where I was a mess, and he turned my life around. He got me to break up with my abusive boyfriend and beat him up when he tried to come after me. He spent a night searching a wildlife reserve after I passed out drunk there and carried me home. He got me to stop drinking, go to uni with him, forced me to study through my depression and then demanded I get treatment and medication when I wanted to refuse. When I was kicked out, I lived with him, we carpooled everywhere and he gave me a job. Then I managed to find work, my own place, a partner and a car. It became harder and harder to see him, saying he was always busy, and eventually I stopped calling and messaging because he was so unavailable. Months later I got a call from one of his online friends who'd tracked me down. He hadn't been around for a long while and they'd wondered if something was wrong. I called and called, but eventually had to go to his house, only to find it empty with the door unlocked. Most of his stuff was gone, with the rest boxed up and organised by type. His suicide note was on the desk, addressed to his landlord. It described how he had gone to die in an anonymous part of wilderness, because he didn't want to inconvenience anyone with his body. He donated all his belongings, mailed his expensive PC to an online friend in a developing country, sold his car and distributed the cash in lockboxes to everyone who needed it. He left instructions not to tell anyone he'd died, just inform the police and leave the furniture for the next tenant. He'd been depressed since he was 13 and wanted to die, but couldn't let down his friends and family. He'd alienated everyone else in his life over time, making sure no one needed for him anything and letting them all drift away. I was the last one he had to help so that no one would miss him.

Anonymous 108693

my childhood best friend i havent seen since 2019 yup, we were already growing distant from each other by the point, but he defintely was my childhood, pretty mischevious but sweet and i was protective over him and we were each others firsts in a lot of things, when we met again in 2019 he sent me a message sometime that week saying "i miss you anon"

i checked his twitter last year and occasionally check it now, he is a Andrew Tate and Donald Trump worshipper now

Anonymous 108772

Weird, something similar happened to me as well with a long-distance friend. Never was any talk about it before, just as sudden "B-but I thought we were in a relationship!?" The only difference was that it wasn't entirely online.

I still get a little down thinking about it because she was nice to chat with at first, but it's long gone.

Anonymous 108804

yes and I was in shock at first too. I did my best to distract myself so I wouldn't think about it and was scared of what it'd be like once it finally hit me. then a little later once I found it easier to think about I wrote about how I was feeling as if i was talking to my former friend and that might've helped even though nobody ever saw what I wrote. what also helps is reminding myself of how much the friendship break up hurt and that I never would've done that to that person and feeling angry instead of sad about it. eventually it fades because life goes on.

Anonymous 108822

i was the one that started the argument. we were three friends, two girls and one guy. i was friends with the guy only because of the girl. we started talking towards the end of 2018 on the internet. i was 15, she saw me go through the worst things such as weight gain, my mother randomly lost her motherly nature towards me and treated me like a burden, i used to confide in her so much. i used to tell her everything. at one point i felt like i was in love with her. we planned to kiss each other on the lips but i backed out last minute because i felt like it would ruin our friendship. i was so fucking attached to her. it was all funny and goofy stuff once we started going to uni, finally being sort of free from our parents, we were discovering being young adults and i had the best moments of my life with both of them. last year, the two of them started dating. i was genuinely happy for them because they never really got to date anyone while they were in school, and they got along pretty well. but our dynamic changed and it was totally their fault. they started pda-ing in front of me. and im not talking hand holding, cute kisses, im talking almost having sex in front of me, smashing their faces together. the worst only happened when we were all drunk, so i ignored most of it. but the final straw was the day when we were in an uber, stuck in traffic, buzzed out on ONE BEER. they started smashing faces RIGHT NEXT TO ME. the uber driver was looking at them from the rear view mirror. i am from a conservative country, i felt so fucking violated that day i ended up screaming in the car. the worst part is that ONLY THE GUY APOLOGIZED TO ME. at first i didn't even plan on ending our friendship, i just really needed them to understand that they crossed a boundary. i didnt bother fighting with the guy because he apologized right away but i did fight with the girl for several days. i just wanted her to say sorry. she never fucking did. and you know what? it's been 4 months. i miss her so much it makes me cry sometimes. i miss them both. i check their twitter pretty often. they badmouth me. it hurts so bad. but things will never be the same. i will always want them to be happy, but the way they talk about me online makes me feel like they would be sad if im doing good. i celebrated new years with a different friend group and they tweeted about how i got over them so quick, i dump people and stick to new ones etc. i could never approach them after that. even though it hurts, it had to be over and im glad i stood up for myself that day.

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