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/feels/ - Advice & Venting

Talk about relationships of all kinds, ask for advice, or just vent

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Experiences on growing up with an older brother? Anonymous 109199

To any you who grew up with older brothers: how did it affect you?

I’ve been trying to wrap my head around my own experience since it always seemed so isolated from others who didn’t. When I was younger I always wanted his approval so I would started “liking” everything he did, even when I didn’t really understand it. I pretended to like video games, the same youtubers, and the same anime as him, though I did enjoy anime, most of my interests were just his. Liking “girly” things made me think I wasn’t worthy enough so I always avoided those things though secretly I would engage in them. It just makes me feel like an impostor nowadays when I get into new stuff. And even now I find myself drifting towards “masculine” interests just to get attention because that’s how I’ve always been I guess. There’s a lot more like the fact that he used to hit me a lot, though I don’t remember the extent of it anymore, It always hurt. I still have a hard time relating to other girls and things that are normalized to talk about and things that aren’t. It’s a just lot of stuff that just adds up together and still marks who I am today, sometimes I wonder who I could have been or if there was another way. I’m just curious.

Anonymous 109240

A lot of my interests growing up were also shaped by my older brother. We used to spend a lot of time playing games and hanging out together. I guess some of those could be considered masculine, but I don’t tend to view things through that lens. I never had a problem with his influence as I eventually grew into my own independent interests, and we naturally grew apart over the years. Now he has a family, so we don’t see each other much anymore. He asked me to visit him several times, but I didn’t want to because I dislike his wife. I feel a bit bad about that I guess, but I need to find my own path and it’s not in the past.

Anonymous 109282

I can't share the experience of looking up to him sadly.

Our family was sort of broken early on and I had to start taking care of the household every day or suffer living the life of an incel at from the age of 12.

My brother, who is 4 years older, didn't bother to care, because his standards were just so low and I guess he is depressed. It has just always been so exhausting and I really don't have the time to nag him like a mom to do some chores every day either. Any improvement he makes simply vanishes after a week.

At this point I just do the work and try to get him set up for life, be a good friend and a mom for him. I'll move out once I have my college degree and a job, if he doesn't manage till then, I'll simply let him rot.

Anonymous 109303

First i think it's kind of you to try to support him as a friend. I mean as your older sibling, maybe he should bring you up. You seem to be smarter and more mature than the rest of your family.
I would like to understand your situation better. How old are you now? Where is your mom and das? Are they both working? Do they both live with you?
Is your brother a neet?

Anonymous 109327

Most of my formative memories centre on him, usually teaching me how to do things, like tie my shoes, decorate my 5th birthday cake etc. I was his shadow when I was really little, but then our middle sister was born, followed closely by twins, and our mom just gave up completely on parenting. He became our new dad; feeding, cleaning and clothing us. We were closer than ever, but most his attention, love and affection had to go to the babies, so we just kind of drifted apart. I think him raising us put a permanent wall in our relationship, and by the time our sisters were more independent, and he could do more than just raise us, he was a grown man and I was a teenager who'd had to develop without his direct involvement. He has a much, much closer relationship with our sisters, because they didn't have to grow up to pick up the slack, and had his focus for most of their lives. Honestly, he's a hero to me, despite the fact we've drifted so far apart. He chose to sacrifice his life and stay to make sure we got to have childhoods and develop well, when he was well within his rights to just bail and let us live in a dysfunctional household until we were old enough to run for it, too.

Anonymous 109359

I can't really relate to that, my father left to live abroad when i was little and i didn't have a lot of contact with him. We weren't fully related (same mother, different fathers). My brother was the only male figure in my life and i developed a weird kind of "crush" on him. He was an asshole to me, chasing me around the house with knives and stealing my pocket money and all that. I got into a bunch of shitty relationships with grown men when i shouldn't have, and he was the only male who wasn't really malicious towards me. He was my big brother and i love him. He has a wife and a baby on the way now. My feelings for him still persist but I am so, so happy that despite our shitty childhood he was able to find somebody who loves him and treats him right.

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