>>118132not sure where you're at with him now, but it seems like you put it pretty clearly here and in writing. you could just copy and paste some of this into a text or something.
I also experience extreme jealousy (abandonment wounds from upbringing and was betrayed by first love, not sure if I'll ever see men/relationships as fully trustworthy, but I'm trying to be open). look, whether it's what you've been through or stories you hear through others in person or online, it's easy to completely absorb the idea that men are lustful apes with no self control or that every girl is out to steal your man and that this is some big fucking to the death sex competition, but there is so much more out there. it's the dwelling and obsession that you're getting stuck on because for as miserable as it is, it feels good. in a miserable way. it makes you feel like you are protecting yourself. I know the feeling. find what specifically you feel is hurting you. go to the source. your fear uses his likeness as a skin to mask itself so you don't suspect who is really at fault. it does not make you crazy or evil or selfish. it is a preoccupation with your self and something important to you. the truth is you probably don't have the best self esteem, even if you have moments of confidence or rationality. learn to sit with discomfort. learn to sit and watch. when you feel the impulse to attack or point something out to him about another woman or whatever thing you feel about yourself, just go quiet. I swear by this. just swallow it and breathe. if he genuinely isn't doing or hasn't done things to break your trust, then sit with the idea that this is a projection of you effectively "cheating on yourself" with these other girls. whether hate stalking them, comparing yourself to them incessantly in your mind, imagining scenarios of him and them, etc., you are thinking WAY too much about these other girls. which is what you're afraid of him doing, right? imagine what life would feel like if you spent that energy imagining the sweet things he's done for you, said to you, that you've experienced together. imagine if you thought up date ideas or an activity or a gift idea. imagine if you imagined yourself achieving something special, working towards a goal, no matter how simple. it becomes a habit in the brain, but you're not stuck this way. you're scared and need to activate some kind of crazy confidence in yourself. recognize too that the adrenaline and arguing your brain probably has learned to mistake as a kind of passion or closeness. retrain that brain
