/feels/ - Advice & Venting

to an extent its just a normal part of being a human. thats something everyone does life is not just about doing what you like. also your actions dictate who you are there is no "true self" no one knows who they are because the only thing that doesnt change is change itself. seems you expect too much from yourself. go to church find God and youll find inner peace.

>>118904
Do you consider yourself “people?”
Why not try to please yourself first?

>>118904
i used to be kind of like this.
i guess it was rational based on my belief system and i had to adjust my belief system rather than try to behave in a different manner without getting at the reasons for it, specifically i had this idea that i was "behind" mentally or emotionally and other people knew better than me about how a person should be.
i guess i fixed it by meeting a couple of people who were similar to me and realizing that there was nothing wrong with me i am just different and that is okay. so just get lucky and meet those people.
its kind of hard to articulate my thoughts on it since my brain dont work good hence my having this problem in the first place so im not sure if this makes any sense. it makes sense in my head.

Hello this is OP, I've got some issues irl that needed to be settle up, I'm gonna apologize for my limited English and I should inform that I'm still new around here.
>>118908
Im considering looking for a therapy support group, but probably not church or religion related since I got many bad experiences with religious people before. I appreciate your answer thought.
>>118909
Honestly and shortly no. Probably it's because certain near death experience I survived when I was a kid, I was at a water park and the people that were taking care of me (teachers since it was a final year school trip) they doubt it at first and I almost couldn't make it. I don't remember being held or comforted after such thing even so, that scarred me.
>>118921
> i had this idea that i was "behind" mentally or emotionally and other people knew better than me about how a person should be.
I'm in this place, nona. I relapsed many times in depression so I rely in my inner circle to takin important decisions or ask for an advice. I think I can count with my own fingers how many times I made stuff without relying or asking others if the thing I choose is the correct choice.

This is something I have also been working on.
When people say no or give you a neutral answer, does all the stuff that you get anxious about happen? Do you cause a scene? No.
Most sane people will not take a no or you saying your opinion or giving input as something to make a scene over, or dislike you for it. Keep in mind, the people who like people pleasing like low self esteem women for the wrong reasons and like doormats. Those are not the kind of people that should be pleased! Being assertive and honest is not obnoxious or rude. You can still be kind and pleasant and sweet and polite while having boundaries and stating your opinions and giving input and being honest!

I have good assertiveness days, and bad assertiveness days. If I feel worn down by constant moid harassment, or if I wake up and randomly start thinking of the nagging memories of said harassment, I dont feel the energy necessary to be assertive and on guard. I feel like I need to just go with the flow to get people to STFU and get out of my way, so to speak.

For example, yesterday my brother brushed off the snow off the family vehicle he finally let me use even tho he has his own 2. I thought wow thats nice of him. Then he hit me with, "Theres still the trashbag of dog crap in the trunk, could you get it out?" He could have done it, but I know Id catch flack from him and mom for saying this or refusing, so I just said yeah. It felt like Im on autopilot to just say yes to peoples requests. Ugh Im such a coward.

Another factor is that peoples boundary violations catch me off guard. Im a little slow at thinking of responses, or how to socially navigate a situation where I dont have the upper hand. So even if I immediately give in, I usually seethe about it for a while after until I think of a way to "correct" the boundary violation, ie. thinking of how to word something so that I retract my original "yes Ill do xyz" response.

Wish I wasnt such a people pleaser. But there are times I finally learned to say no, as a complete sentence, no less. Its just something I have to relearn daily and be conscious of.

>>118904
>I constantly do things and look up for others wellbeing, opinions, feelings or anything for avoiding conflict and just trying to get along and feeling accepted.

Only do it if it's mutual

>>118904
The issue with being kind and caring about the wellbeing, opinions and feelings of others is that is that likely, you WILL be abused, he WILL get taken advantage of for it, at some point or another.

Be glad you're not a narcissist. You should go out and live for yourself and do things that you enjoy and hopefully you will run into the right people for you.

Don't go out of your way for others who will just abuse you in the end. Try to find people who are similar to you and vibe with you.

I often think about why I am such a people pleaser and I realize that there is something insidious about it. One of the reasons why I do this because I want to get closer and be part of their life. I managed to people please the heck out of few people that they became so dependent on me for emotional support that even I got scared about how creepy it got. It felt like I was playing Persona with S Links and I'm not even joking in here.

Another reason is fear of missing out. I want to know everything and be everywhere.