/feels/ - Advice & Venting

Who would have known. Turns out that my paranoid unhealthy bullshit is a detriment to my character. I have lost my only true close friend because of a falling out and it seems that I have lost contact with them so no matter how much I want to try to make amends, it won't happen. It takes a lot of conscious effort for me to truly be close to someone because I am scared of not being in control of my feelings and letting my paranoid delusions get to me, and I thought maybe this would be different despite the issues between us (we both don't have the best mental health.) But it turns out, not really. I've always been isolated from my peers ever since childhood. I don't work; I got an informal job before but my cognition wasn't up to it. My hobbies are mostly isolated like drawing and writing. I've always had a lonely life. Friends come and go, but it seems they always go in the most painful ways possible. I always had looming dread whenever I had this close relationship, even when my friend was as nice and understanding as possible, like I was not enjoying it at all or being conflicted about being happy or scared. But at least despite that, I was a bit more in control of my emotions and my friend made me smile a lot. But now, everything is a mess. It might take a while to be more stable, but this is nothing new to me. Maybe I should just keep to myself more, and I should just be more accepting of an isolated life.