/feels/ - Advice & Venting

i just want to preface this by saying that i wholeheartedly, in no way, am trying to make fun of autistic lesbians. i am simply just not interested in this one girl and i need advice on how to communicate this to her.

i don’t usually befriend people but my younger sister introduced me to a friend of hers just last year. this friend seemed nice at first and her first reaction upon seeing me was “pretty.” to me, receiving compliments wasn’t out-of-the-ordinary and y’know how girls can be- saying things just to get closer, so at the time, i didn’t find it odd. i think i even complimented her back, saying she was pretty (though i hardly even looked at her). as the conversation went on, i noticed she spoke english with a chinese accent. this will be important later on. i’m also chinese but can speak very little, she’s surprised and compliments me again. at this point, i notice that even though i contribute very little to the actual conversation between my sister and her, she gives me so much more attention. i shrug it off to her being curious about a new person.

the new school year begins and we share two classes back-to-back together. we’re even seated next to other in one period. she asks me for help as i’m the only one who speaks proper chinese and as i let her blatantly copy, she keeps asking me questions i deem invasive. stuff like my age, grade, relationship status, romance and boys. i don’t care. i will admit, i was a bit stand-offish so i thought she didn’t even see me as a friend. i start to notice she’s very visibly autistic. she stims, doesn’t understand social cues (says random stuff to make people laugh. not realising they’re not laughing with her, they’re just laughing at her), plays music pretty loudly and its usually the same song over & over again, has an intense collection of snow globes, etc. again, i’ve nothing against autistic people. if anything, i give them the benefit of the doubt. i was also pretty defensive about it, making sure to be patient with her and passive-agressively tell people to stop making fun of her. we actually hit it off pretty well. in our second class together, she frequently taught me chinese and in turn, i taught her english. somewhere along this time period, i made the mistake of giving her my socials and we chat there. mostly about school and kpop. this went on for a good 2/3 months.

i guess the turning point began here when she continued asking me more invasive questions, stuff concerning my dead family members and what i liked to do in my free time. about the snow globe obsession, she offered to give me a bunch of them if i visited her. i said no but she just kept on pushing. i told her “well your cousins gave you most of them. keep them to save face.” (“saving face” is a chinese thing- like upholding dignity, not embarrassing yourself or others). and she jokingly pouted but agreed to stop. that same week, i was showing her videos on my laptop and this video with the lgbtq+ flag popped up. she asked if i knew what lgbtq+ was (she said this in chinese obviously) i lied and said i didn’t even though i did because i have many chinese lgbtq+ friends ofc i’d know. she kinda giggled to herself and we went back to watching videos. honestly? i wasn’t weirded out. i didn’t think much of it, i’m too passive and thats what irks me. i’m stupid to my own surroundings.

fast forward to a few months later, we end up moving seats in our first period together. she ends up sitting next to my little sister. we continue talking in our second period like usual. one day, i’m busy. i decided to tell her i was busy and that i wouldn’t be able to talk to her. she acted like a damn clingy gf and i believe this is where i really started asking myself “what.” i’ve seen this before. weird homoerotic friendships with girls that years later, insist you had some special connection with them. i knew the look and the signs and the behavior. it has happened to me multiple times and i never learn. however, i am also a chronic overthinker. who am i to be this cocky? i’m not that pretty to have girls flocking to me left and right. she’s so clearly autistic, she’s just being funny and this is what most girl friendships are like so stop making it into something its not :) i do my work, she asks me for help a little but nothing too strange.

now the real kicker. one day, i’m kind of mad. not at her, just frustrated and i really don’t want to sit next to her. she overstimulates me. she’s loud and asks questions every 5 minutes and i just would rather be alone. so i sit down in a different seat, she sits next to me, i sit down far away, she takes her belongings and sits next to me again. i tell her to stop. i just want to focus on completing my work. she stares at me like she’s about to break but she doesn’t, she just returns to her previous seat. we don’t talk for a couple weeks after.

this week in particular is why i am so tired, i have genuinely had it at my wits end. i am looking to someone, anyone, to guide me towards the light. because she sits next to my younger sister, i know she’s talking about me. not only does my sister relay the information, but she is so damn loud about it, i can hear her from across the room. she asks her how i’ve been doing, what sports i play, what i ate for breakfast. she’ll also say it in a way that she isn’t technically asking but gets answers regarding me anyway- “so you ate pancakes today? did your sister (me) eat pancakes too?” it doesn’t help that we had this assignment where we had to ask others about their favourites- food, sport, time of day, and my little sister (bless her heart), asks me the questions and she keeps preening at my answers. she’s so invested in learning everything about me its insane.

i’m so stupid because just recently, i opened a door for her today and she was overdoing this weird anime girl blush when walking inside and kept staring at me all over again. for the entire class. throughout the entire time i’ve known her, she has this innate need to copy me. when i sling my backpack on one arm, she slings her backpack on one arm. when i stop, she stops. when we were close, she told me her schedule and i caught her following me to my period 4 class. she doesn’t even visit that building. she followed me to the bathroom today without me noticing. when i opened my stall door, i literally saw her just staring at me and she briskly walks off. i do not care if this is a crush or not but it’s definitely some weird infatuation that i want off of me. in the name of everything that is good, i rebuke this.

so honestly, what do i do? how do i convey this all in manner that is friendly, negotiable, and within reason? i’ve never been good at reading between the lines of chinese, autistic or lesbian people. i definitely would not be able to make up something that’ll appease a person fitting all three areas. i’m looking for serious, urgent replies as it is the end of friday and i have to return to school in 2 days. preferably from autistic and/or lesbian women. thank you for reading this far !!