/feels/ - Advice & Venting

most women are deluded when they think they meet a good man. all my life i've never met a good man. until i met this one. his behavior was akin to Jesus Christ. it seemed as if it was physically impossible for him to do anything which even mildly inconviences anyone, let alone hurting anyone. as for me, it seems like i am physically incapable of doing anything but hurting people. to cut it short, he absolutely did not deserve what i did to him. i met him online and within less than a month of dating i got blackout drunk and cheated on him. like an idiot i talked to my friends about it because i cant keep my mouth shut about anything. i talked to my best friend about it and what we decided was since it was so early on and i genuinely saw a future with him i should just move on from it. forget about it. so i didn't tell him. we kept talking.

we decided we wanted to see eachother in person. he spent $5000 on a plane ticket and an airbnb for 25 days. i started birth control- the Opill, 3 days before he came. the first 2 days were heavenly. then on the 3rd night we shared a bottle of vodka together. i was doing okay until i put on his boxers. i was reminded of what i had done to him. i grabbed a kitchen knife and started to cut myself in front of him. i cut my neck. then we went to sleep. the dream was over. over the course of the next couple weeks i just wanted to stay in bed all day. i kept arguing with him over the tiniest things. it was like i was constantly on edge. he said it felt like i was never actually there, never "lucid enough to have an actual conversation with." we only had sex a few times because he said he could only have sex with someone who he felt loved him and he didnt feel like i loved him. we didn't go out a lot, not a lot of "cute dates…" we went out to fast food joints a few times. then he broke up with me. he said we could still stay friends and he could keep "taking care of me" but we couldn't have a romantic relationship anymore. he said i should leave the airbnb for a few days. my best friend, who lives nearby where we were staying, asked for his discord tag because "he's a foreigner trapped in an airbnb alone and we (her and her roommate, an acquaintance of mine who also knew what i had done to him,) want to be there for him incase anything goes wrong." then i left to go home.

then it gets worse. basically to cut it short they told him i have something to tell him and i threatened suicide over it. i video called the roommate girl and started drinking lighter fluid. she told me to stop so i stopped but i said i'll keep drinking it if they tell him anything. i have never done ANYTHING like this before- i've never even contemplated suicide before. this was the most scared i have ever been.

at this point my plan still was not to tell him anything. i kept frantically texting him basically just asking him what he knows, asking him if i should kill myself, telling him i drank lighter fluid. i had only been gone for a night, and he wanted me gone for a couple nights, but i decided to take the train back to the airbnb.

when i got back to the airbnb, i decided to tell him a half-truth. i told him i was drunk and i was humping on this guy but i was adamant that i didn't have sex with him. then he revealed that my "friends" told him everything and that they were waiting outside to drive me back home. i packed up my things and they drove me to the train station.

i'm home now. he's still in the airbnb. he's leaving on the 19th. there's a lot of details i've omitted from this- just countless, countless, countless ways in which i hurt him.

i feel like a caricature of a person. like a cartoon villain. its insane but i still want to see him at the airport before he leaves. i know what i should do is just leave him alone but i keep despairingly messaging him about what a horrible person i am, how i wish i could fix it, how i wish i could erase it, how i can't believe myself, it's irreconcilable, i can't believe myself, i wish i had never met him, i wish he had never met me, i can't fucking believe myself. he's been replying to me very sparsely. the last time we talked was 3 hours ago where i said: "is there any way i can fix it / i dont know what to say so that probably means i should say nothing at all / is there anything i can do for you / anything at all" and he said "$2000 would be a start / hope you're doing alright"
before that it was just him asking me if i'm home yet i told him i was almost home and he said "ok take care of yourself."


i've been writing this in a really detached manner because i'm dissociated right now but i've been freaking the fuck out for the past couple of days. sleeping, trying to distract myself with youtube, typing paragraphs to him, trying to distract myself again, sleeping more.

i just don't know what to do. i can't believe myself. i feel like this has all just been a nightmare. i cant think about it too much because if i think about how he's a real person and i've just done this to a real person, a good person, i start to lose my mind. i've done stuff like this before but never to someone absolutely undeserving of it. he will have to live with these memories for the rest of his life.

WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO?

i attached a stupid gay pinterest image because i didnt really know what to attach