/feels/ - Advice & Venting

I'm a NEET in my late 20s and I hate myself.
I hate that I pity myself, that I crave sympathy, that I want someone to save me, that I crave affection and male attention. that I am too much of a coward to kill myself, that I exist, that I am here.

I am fat, ugly and black. I only hate being black due to the racism otherwise I don't really care. I greatly hate my body more. I hate how I was subjected to (what my brain says) mild emotional abuse directed at my body that I couldn't put it past me but used that as extra fuel to continue to hate myself. physical abuse and whatever else but not anything actually having such a low and violently sad mind like mine. I have never been strong enough in any aspect to get over this pathetic narrative about myself, I in fact adopted it myself and subjected myself to years of overthinking and negative talk resulting in no self confidence or self esteem. I deeply feel remorse for my younger self but have no grace for my present self. I wish to end my life and start again or simply poof out of existence.

It's sad to realize that my life has no merit nor meaning. That my words will continue to fall on deaf ears including my own and that I will be stuck like this because I simply do not like nor care for myself enough to try.

It is truly pathetic and I have no one to blame but myself.

Not being strong enough to say fuck you to a stranger is one thing but not being able to tell it to yourself is just retarded. I couldn't actually ruin my life because I am too much of a pussy to go all the way into the deep end, the same goes for the other side, attempting to reverse whatever I have done to myself.

I must be a poser, a faker to have these thoughts and feelings yet the lame experiences attached to my life that to me, doesn't validate such a strong emotional and mental reaction. There are and always will be people who have had horrors happened to them, what is my excuse? That I was never picked in school? That no boy ever liked me? That no person ever truly took the time to notice me? lol. How pitiful.

I am truly sorry to those who ever had to come into contact with me. To those who may even read this until the end lol. I wish I could be pathetic enough to lose this life that was put upon me without a feeling of pain or suffering yet, I can not. I can't. I can not do it to myself or by myself. Pain and suffering should be something I deserve I agree but I am too much of a pussy to do anything. I feel like a fat and ugly incel moid.

You don't have to tell me that this post is a pathetic, incoherent, misspelt pile of shit just like me. I already know. "dni, stopped reading" good for u. I wish I could do the same with my brain.