/feels/ - Autistic and Suicidal since Childhood

Name
Email
Message		Text => Text Text => Text *Text* => *Text* [spoiler]Text[/spoiler] => Text
Image
Direct Link	YouTube Imgur
Options	NSFW image Sage (thread won't be bumped)

Autistic and Suicidal since Childhood Anonymous 10/24/25 (Fri) 06:53:23 AM126122

I am 23 now and haven’t been able to hack it since I was a little kid. I went to the psych ward for the first time when I was 8. It was the only way my parents could get me to stop hurting myself. They put me on Prozac for all of Elementary school. I was in and out of the hospital or sent to residential until I was 19. (Trust me, I don’t hear the end of how expensive it’s been to keep me alive)

I have been in love and living with my boyfriend for two years. I told him about my life long struggle to keep myself on this planet but I think he's just now starting to realize how retarded I am. When in work or school I struggle the most (in college atm). I don’t think to eat, drink water (my legs have been cramping up for 4 days now) or clean myself until he makes me. I’m obviously fatigued and am having violent meltdowns often that scare him. I’m trying to better myself for us by working or going to college but It feels counterintuitive even though I know that these are the next steps I should be taking.

I’ve had 6 jobs that onset the same symptoms that I would either quit before doing something stupid or do something stupid that would cause them to fire me. I’ve dealt with being abused in the workplace for being autistic, making me do more/stay longer than everyone else because I didn’t know better. My mom waited all night for me to come home and told me to never let them keep me 2 hours after closing, especially if everyone else had already left. I had a manager grab my wrist and tell me that my very old raised/healed sh scars were disgusting and that I was an idiot to have done that to myself. She called me an idiot daily even though she was the one training me. I had accommodations in Elementary/Middle/High school to help me get through but in the real world you do not get accommodations.

I feel loved and supported but I still struggle very hard to see myself being able to hold down a job or take care of myself. I make attempt after attempt, I haven’t given up but it’s been so hard since the very beginning.

Can anyone else relate to finding it very difficult to keep yourself on this planet from a very young age and it not getting easier despite trying to get better? And I’m not talking about “I was depressed as a teenager so I didn’t think about what I wanted to do after high school so I’ve been working at the grocery store for a couple of years in the meantime.” I’m talking about couldn’t even hack 1st grade. Cannot hold a job for more that 4 months without doing something silly that lands you in the hospital. Failing at trying to play by the world’s rules every step of the way because you’ve been retarded your whole life. And what do you even do about that?? I want to stop scaring my boyfriend and love him.

Thank you for listening.

Anonymous 10/24/25 (Fri) 07:52:00 AM126124

i-think-they-like-…

I'm not autistic but I also often feel like I'm not cut out for this world. I don't socialize well and I try to take small steps towards improving when I can, but it doesn't feel like I'm doing any better. Idk how but I think you write really well OP, maybe you could do something with that?

Anonymous 10/24/25 (Fri) 07:53:45 AM126125

>>126124
Mistyped, meant idk what like idk what you could do with your excellent writing ability job wise, f me

Anonymous 10/25/25 (Sat) 04:05:27 AM126158

>>126124 Thank you for responding! And thank you for the compliment! :) I feel that my love for writing is a side effect of wanting to express myself as effectively as possible. I’ve also been told that I write well and creatively by a lot of people that I respect. You might have sparked the questions I needed to ask myself so I can solve my dilemma. It is probably just as simple as I am killing myself to pursue what my heart is not in. It’s a tale as old as time. I need to stop crushing my spirit.

I feel frustrated by capitalist ideology that teaches us a person’s worth is equal to the amount of blood, sweat and tears you can squeeze out of someone. There are much more important things to bleed and cry over than money or the pursuit of it. I am in the fortunate position where school is my sole responsibility and is being paid for with grants (as long as I don’t fail). I could most likely succeed in an area I am passionate about haha! I think I will tough out the rest of the semester to the best of my ability and switch majors to an area of interest next semester. I will see how I feel about winter classes.

I hope I didn’t lose you after all of that rambling but now that I have a clearer head, I can objectively state that this world does not value what is important. Trying to play by rules that make no sense, when you can see that they make no sense.. would reasonably drive anyone crazy I would think!! But I do not know how anyone without support can escape this fragile system made out of fragile systems without waiting for them to fail. I am very fortunate to have support. I think good people know intuitively what is important. As long as we keep trying and do our best to be better than we were yesterday by our own metrics as well intended people, we are valuable. It’s only over when you have given up. ❤️ Thank you for listening again if you read this and hang in there!