/feels/ - Advice & Venting

just call me already brian. i’m sick of these games.

You’re wishing death upon me like a year later over me standing up to you acting like retard? Damn

my days of relying on you are over. you’ll miss how deeply i cared. you will look back and realize you’ll never find someone who loves you the way i have. i gave you everything and you treat me like a joke. i’m giving myself back to me.

I still care about you RB. I really do. And maybe my actions dont tell you that. But if we were going by actions alone what would your actions up to this point say? That you're a confused and selfish narcissist? I dont want to believe that but you've left me no other choice.

I made it 14 years without knowing you existed in my life and i can do it again. Im older now. Wiser. My body is now one that you've never touched. And i hope it stays that way until you decide to put a ring on it. My standards are higher now…. you cant get away with just barely responding anymore.

I still dont want to see you. But, a part of me does wants to see you again…. for shits and giggles i guess. You traumatized me and unfortunately i fawned over it. But i want to see you to see how much i can traumatize you back. I know you're afraid of me, but thats besides the point. I wanna see myself suplexing the FUCK outta you in public. Maybe you'll finally call the cops on me. Maybe I'll get some kind of closure that way, some concrete evidence of how you feel about me. I guess in a way youve given me ambition and drive, something worthwhile to motivate myself into doing something different in my life. But maybe thats romanticizing a connection that never took off in the first place.

Im going to live my life now, with or without you in it. And the greatest tragicomedy is the fact that you dont get to be a part of it the way i wanted you to be.

Hey, I still miss you. Do you hate me now? I think you probably do. But I think you miss me for sure. That is if you're alive, which I can't be sure of. I think you are though. I really loved you, even if you won't believe it. You always did prefer believing in your own version, no matter how much I told you how I felt. Just after leaving, I started noticing many things I didn't like about you, but right at this moment, I'm okay with them. We're both ill. I'm enjoying myself, I wish I could do this forever. I'm back on all those things I told you I wanted to leave, and the things I wanted you to leave too. I'm pretty certain you never will, and I might have to at some point. I can't peacefully live like this for too long. But it feels good for the moment. I'll freak out soon and ask myself what am I doing, why I'm setting myself back, I'll do okay for a week and I'll go back, like I always do. At least I threw some things out during a panic attack, it'll be hard getting those back, that should put an end to some of the stuff I wanted to quit. I'm having trouble sleeping lately, and I think about you sometimes, it keeps me away. Most of it is shame, I'm ashamed of having let myself be in a situation like that one, but the thing I'm the most ashamed of is telling people I know about it. Because I can't make them forget. I get really embarrassed thinking about them still knowing while I treat the matter like it was just a dream or something like that. That's why I'm not sharing much of my life with people anymore. If you were here, I'd still share all of it with you. I'd still trust you. You are the only person who has loved me as I really am. I hope you don't regret that. It feels unfair asking you to not regret what we had because in a way I do. I don't regret the whole thing, but I'd change a lot of things. I hope you still think of me, I don't want to be the only one thinking of what we had.