/feels/ - Advice & Venting

Growing up, I was a really bad student. I had a bad home life so I would just smoke weed in parks and get drunk and shit during the day until I had to go to court for my absences. Eventually just dropped out of high school and got my GED. I actually managed to get an associates in a technical field and did that job for awhile but it was so boring I started daydreaming about getting cancer and dying lol.

That brings us to the modern day. I ended up quitting my job and going back to college for "a useless degree". This time around I'm actually making straight A's, after making straight C's and D's my first run through college. The program is incredibly strict, like, if you miss 2 appointments in a semester, you're out.

The only thing that has changed is that I have developed an attachment to a professor. I'm not sure if I'd call it a crush. Perhaps it's some weird Freudian thing where my creative energy is unfocused. This has caused me to become completely addicted to academic achievement. It gives my life direction and meaning. I have nothing to look forward to besides lectures and homework. When we get breaks in between semesters, I fall into a deep depression. I am so driven, I no longer recognize myself. I went from being a juvenile delinquent to this. I'll probably get my master's in a few years.

My future is so uncertain. I'm worried that I won't have an identity outside of school and will just kill myself after graduation. Life feels like a dead end. But for now I'm very happy, and my professor is proud of me. I feel an extreme amount of guilt over how limerent I am for this man. He's married with kids. But at the same time, I know the limerence is partially to blame for my excellent grades. Oh well. Whatever.