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/feels/ - Advice & Venting

Talk about relationships of all kinds, ask for advice, or just vent

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Am I the only fucking person that doesn't have a "shitty ex bf" Anonymous 15514

Like seriously what the fuck, I was talking to my friends the other day and all four of them had stories about emotionally or physically abusive boyfriends that they had stayed with for long amounts of time, I then started looking online and asking about and apparently this is really common.

I had no Idea this was a major thing outside of films and tv, no wonder guys talk about how "nice guys finish last" etc; they're all dealing with or getting rejected by girls with trauma from getting beaten up and cheated on.

Anonymous 15515

You and your friends are femcels. Your friends date abusive guys forever because that’s all they can get. You don’t have an abusive ex because you don’t date in general.

Also like 90% of men are very violent.

Anonymous 15516

Crystal cafe isn't r9k for girls, my friends and I are all good-looking successful and normal people.

I only come here because farmcow.lol banned me

Anonymous 15519


It's really common because men tend to be shit.

Anonymous 15521


People don't need to be my partner to abuse me. Heck. Complete strangers do it all the time.

Is there some kind of non-abuse partnership code I missed?

None really gives a crap about emotional abuse but I think physical abuse is illegal in some cases.

Anonymous 15530

All sorts of people have no qualms about making shit up about their ex. Especially as a cognitive dissonance move. However I also was beaten up pretty badly at times so I like to give the benefit of the doubt to anyone claiming as such because it's fucked up to dismiss a victim of abuse.

I am not normal, successful or good looking, but something has to be wrong with someone to stick around in a situation like that. As for me I had nobody and no job and nowhere to go and so a simple apology for getting punched in the back of the head was enough for me, or being given an explanation that it was my fault it ever turned violent to excuse the fact that I laid in the fetal position getting pounded on actually convinced me it was all my fault. I supported the two of us working by myself for a very long time only because I felt incapable of finding love elsewhere and was terrified to be all alone again. My mother did the same thing with an abusive boyfriend, my sister was in a relationship where she was basically kept as a pet and wasn't permitted to spend time with family.

I'm not sure how someone with no self esteem issues or emotional isolation could let themselves get abused. I couldn't call anyone who tolerates being treated this way healthy-minded or "normal", unless it's the norm for us to be treated like shit.

Anonymous 15531

The tricky part is that anyone can claim they were emotionally abused by anything.

Anonymous 15573

If a person complains that all their exes are all terrible, it's a good sign the real problem is actually them. That they're an unpleasant person to date and also refuse to admit they're ever wrong.

Anonymous 15581

I have never been in an abusive relationship but it's because I've only ever dated one person. I know that if I had dated another man, I'd almost be guaranteed to suffer from a physically or emotionally abusive relationship because men tend to be violent and manipulative. The reason why women stay for so long is because they're either exposed to the abuse so slowly that they don't notice (frog in boiling water) or men tend to hand pick women they think will be more submissive (women from bad backgrounds, women who have been in abusive relationships before, women in vulnerable situations, very young women with little life experience etc).

A lot of friends I've spoken to didn't even realise they were being abused. Firstly, abusers separate their partners from any and all support systems. The abuser will convince a victim that their family are actually the abusive ones and to cut contact, he'll demand she stop talking to her friends (if they're male, he'll tell her that he's jealous and if they're female he'll find some excuse) and going out entirely because her friends might talk some sense into her and she could meet a man who actually treats her well, if he can get her to give up her job and stay at home he will (this is important for when he start physically abusing her), he'll convince her that any charities set up to help domestic violence victims either won't believe her or won't do anything about it (think of all the assault cases that rule in favour of abusers, victims see that and are convinced they don't stand a chance). All of this is framed as "concern". He's just "concerned" that men are checking her out because he "loves" her or he's "concerned" that her family/friends are toxic. If friends/family talk negatively about him, he can use that to show her that they're actually the abusive ones, that they're the ones trying to control her life.

They 100% target "vulnerable" women. Women from bad backgrounds are more likely to see abuse as "normal" because they've witnessed their parents acting the same way and it too was framed as "love" or "concern" (think women who came from disadvantaged areas and religious households, people don't realise how much seeing that as a child fucks up your perception of the world). Women who are in a desperate situation are also targets because they become financially dependent on an abusive partner. A woman running from a previous abusive relationship, an abusive family, a religious organisation etc. might see the relationship as "stable" compared to where they came from before, even though we'd consider it hell because we have come from good families/previous relationships. Another tactic is for abusers to pretend to be sweet and nice until they've brought a woman to his country of origin. Then they can do a total 180 and start physically abusing them immediately. A woman who doesn't speak the language in another country is extremely vulnerable because the only person she has to talk to in that country is her abuser who will tell her that that's "just how things are" in his country and that the authorities won't have her side. He'll probably also take her passport and essential documents. That means everything she does has to have him present (going to the doctor, going to the supermarket, talking to the authorities). Everything will be translated by him so he can spin the situation in any way he likes.

There's also a reasons why men like younger women. A huge reason is that they have little life experience. It's easier to convince younger women that abuse is normal. Remember, they don't punch their victim in the face on the first day! They act sweet and charming during the honeymoon period and if it's an older man; he might offer his victim a stable home, lavish gifts and a lifestyle she couldn't have had before. To someone who is paying study fees or who is in debt, it might seem like such a kind offer done out of love but the abusers always expect something back. Something like that guilts women into staying with someone they're not happy with and makes them feel like they "owe" the abuser something back (sex, their undivided attention, giving them kids which further traps victims). A woman with dating experience has a series of other experiences to compare her current boyfriend to and if he's shit, she knows that there's better out there. A woman with little experience doesn't realise she has options. It's probably also why men prefer "virginal" or "pure" women because they can't compare their mediocre sex life or their shitty relationship to anything. Most women I know had a shitty relationship in their teens or in college but they learned from that experience and they realise why it was bad, abuse victims are still in that shitty relationship and for whatever reason, they feel like they can't escape. It's a nightmare.

Anonymous 15582


Anything that deliberately makes the victim feel like shit is emotional abusive, imo. Obviously we have fights on occasion where things are said and we don't mean them so we apologise genuinely later (we admit that we were wrong and we never say it again because we learn from that incident that it was hurtful). But to constantly tell a victim that they're ugly, stupid and could never find a better relationship is abusive. To bring up something you know was a sore spot for someone in the past just because you know it will hurt them is fucked. Even if there are apologies after, that's going to stay in a victim's mind and convince them that they really can't do better, which isn't an accident- it's a tactic to keep them in the relationship.

Anonymous 15583

I only know one woman irl who was in an absolutely terrible relationship (he coerced her into sick sexual shit and allowed other men to use her), so I also find it strange that so many anons here or on lolcow claim to be in one.

Sorry for saying this, but yelling at you while you're fighting does not count as abuse… Anons for some reason just love to hand out advice like "He's gaslighting you", "He's a narc", "Dump him!" etc. I makes me so angry when people complain about completely normal things and act as if they're some abused child just because a family member or friend disagreed with them, got angry and so on. It makes you come across like some entitled princess who thinks she deserves nothing but the world handed to her and everybody who dares to say something in a little less than sweet tone to her deserves death.
Isn't it considered gaslighting if you immediately call every little thing your partner does abusive? I consider myself a rather sensitive person, but nevertheless, I couldn't be with somebody who can basically only handle being touched wih mittens. Two adults in a relatinship need to be able to argue and criticise each other once in a while, nothing wrong with that.

Also this >>15531 >>15573

Anonymous 15585

>criticism, pointing out mistakes, teasing, "hostile" looks, sarcasm, being silent, dismissing one's ideas/opinins, "unflattering" nicknames, ignoring
You've got to be kidding…? No anon, these things don't make you a "victim". People can joke around, people can have bad days there they need some personal space, you don't need to support every single thing the other says or does.
>witholding affection
You could easily twist that into
>if you don't fuck me you're abusive!!! I deserve your affection!
You can't force your SO to be there for you 24/7 (but only say non sarcastic, totally nice and serious things all the time), that's just not realistic. And I honestly find that insulting to women who really suffer from horrible abuse.

Anonymous 15588

>People can joke around, people can have bad days there they need some personal space
Yes but in a healthy relationship that would be obvious and the couple would discuss it. I don't think you understand the difference between having an off-day but apologising for it and repeatedly putting someone down (despite you telling them that it's hurtful and to stop) in order to control and manipulate you.

>"Hey, remember when I teased you earlier about your weight? I realise that's wrong because it hurt you. I'm sorry, I won't do that again."

is normal and completely different from someone repeatedly teasing you about your weight even after you've asked them to stop. That's someone going out of their way to hurt you and that's abuse.

Anonymous 15594

I think this can be summed up as "do your best not to accidentally go too far and hurt someone (they don't know your intentions, only your deeds), and do your best not to interpret other people's behavior as ill-spirited when they possibly never intended to make you feel bad (but don't sacrifice your own well-being in the process)"
Might sound like a "Well, duhh", but I felt like writing it out.

Anonymous 15597

>so I also find it strange that so many anons here or on lolcow claim to be in one.

imageboards attract the abnormal, there are people here who have been beaten m8

Anonymous 15925

You're lucky you don't. I am legitimately paralyzed by fear of psychopaths/sociopaths because of having been abused by 2 in my life. It's very hard for me to trust anyone without constantly setting up rigoroous checks fo them to pass so I can garauntee they aren't

There are plenty of my friends who this hasn't happened to though. I'm sure this just happened to me because people can kinda smell 'broken girl' from very far away.

Anonymous 15926

I don't but I only have had one bf.

Anonymous 15927

What happened?

Anonymous 16836

>Also like 90% of men are very violent.
>insert picture showing a high level of doubt

Anonymous 16838

You're right.
It's closer to 100%

Anonymous 16847

No, its about 10%, you just have very biased sample because you simply have shit taste in men

Anonymous 16851

Sociopathic men tend to be popular with women. I mean, more popular than guys who sit inside all day on the computer. Idk.

Anonymous 16855

Women tend to expect 10/10 prince charming and those kind of guys are good at pretending to be that. And because most people are retarded, so are most women and they actually fall for that.

Anonymous 16898

I don’t get it. I don’t date a lot, but lots of my classmates talk about being bullied by their bf until they cry almost every day, or being shoved or slapped and just apologizing like that’s all they can do.
I don’t grasp it, but it’s a thing for some women

Anonymous 16899

I was pretty sure this was more crie de couer than advice and the
>”religious households”
really nailed it. Too broad to not be personal.
I’m very sorry, anon. There are good people out there who will really, honestly love you

Anonymous 16900

…that’s a list of how women treat me, and I’m a woman!
Are we all emotionally abusive?!

Anonymous 16901

Its so scary!
My oldest sister-
>dated a good looking guy as an Hs senior, knew him since 6th grade. His parents were popular, well known, raised money for charity, on the PRA, etc. He was friendly, nice, etc.
>they kept dating in uni and he proposed when they were sophomores

Older cousin, same age as my sister
>met a soldier on a blind date. Guy is 21 and already divorced. His father is in federal prison for drugs, fraud, robbery, and attempted murder; his Mother was the former best friend of his dad’s oldest daughter. Dad cheated constantly. His mother was an alcoholic and addict. The guy grew up in trailer courts literally stealing corn from fields to not starve. He’d joined the army at 17, married his 16 year old gf the day he turned 18, she divorced him because he kept volunteering for combat.
>he visited; scars on his face from shrapnel, but good looking. Really, really big (like 6’6” big) and scary fast. My uncle tasked him why he had ‘boxers hands’ and he said,
“From hitting people.”
>six weeks after they met she ditched uni and they eloped.
Guess who is super-nice, dotes on his wife & treats her like a queen, and apologizes for swearing versus choked his gf unconscious if she knocked over the salt and liked to push her head into the toilet until she aspired water before he raped her?
Soldier boy is the perfect husband & my sister is still in therapy 3 years after her bf was arrested for punching he so hard he broke her left’s eye’s orbit and almost blinded her.

Anonymous 16902

This nonsense can all just be avoided by dating tiny weak men.
I legitimately don't understand why more women aren't into them. What's better than a cute 5'4" 120 lbs man who couldn't easily harm you because you outweigh him and are taller? Nothing.
If all women just picked tiny men we could breed out male size and violence within several generations I imagine.

Anonymous 16903

>not knowing little men are more violent
Like chihuahuas.
A 5’ 5” man is still stronger than most women

Anonymous 16904

Even if you outweigh him by 50 pounds and lift when he doesn't?
Idk about you but I'm stronger than my small male friends.
Also, sauce on male height and violence?

Anonymous 16908

In the upper body ‘average’ men vs ‘average’ women, men are 50%-60% stronger when the same height & weight. In athletes the difference increases. You lift? You’re 20 kilos heavier and 15 cm taller?
If you work very hard you could be as strong as as he is, barely. Unless he is athletic

Anonymous 16909

Yes sweety. All of us, women, are bitchy, gossipy and emotionally abusive. You're right, my fellow female.

Anonymous 16910

Making my point for me

Anonymous 16912

Am I an anomaly then? I could lift objects and open containers that a male coworker could not before (and it wasn't staged, I offered). He is an inch shorter, unathletic, and 120 lbs. We are both adults.

Regardless, I still think we could collectively breed weaker men over the course of thousands of years if global warming doesn't get us. Or we should genetically engineer weak males/strong females when the chance presents itself.

Anonymous 16914

>make everyone women
I'm bi so that's also fine.
Or is it:
>make everyone a single ambiguous gender
Even cooler. Tfw ywn experience this future…

Anonymous 16915

Too many women like big, strong men

Anonymous 16916

Which brings us to my original post. I don't understand and think it's sad.
We could have it all.

Anonymous 16918

My fiancé is tall, broad-shouldered, deep voiced, and strong. Very strong. He owns guns, and knives. He’s a good fighter. He’s a combat veteran.
He doesn’t just make me feel safe; he keeps me safe.
Not a ‘oh, poor you (pat on the head)’ safe, either.

Anonymous 16925

>Regardless, I still think we could collectively breed weaker men over the course of thousands of years if global warming doesn't get us. Or we should genetically engineer weak males/strong females when the chance presents itself.

I know who you are and I can't believe you post here of all places; paging @


Anonymous 16926

What kind of 3rd world country do you live in?

Anonymous 16929


Anonymous 16932

You do? Who am I? I post regularly here but not on 4chan too much or anything. Unless you know me irl lmao, but even then you'd have to be male to know my preferences since my best friend is the only one who knows and he's a guy.

And I didn't make that thread, but I was the 13501 post.

Anonymous 16966

Also seriously?
A string, brave man is safer across the board

Anonymous 16977


Anonymous 16982


So many people here trying to tell women they havent actually been abused cuz "we know better what abuse means".

WHEN YOU'VE BEEN ABUSED, YOU KNOW. Abusive behaviour is obvious let's not pussyfoot around it by trying to redefine it you're just trying to protect abusers.

Some of you liberals make me sick.

Anonymous 16995

>Literally doesn't think that masculinity has toxic forms
>Literally doesn't think men feel entitled to give their opinions when they are unsolicited
>Le "hehe i triggered u" meme

Hello male how do you do

Anonymous 16999


What should she be embarrassed about? That some redpilled antifeminist lapdog that brings up "manspreading" doesn't approve of her?

Anonymous 17005

>nothing is better than dating tiny weak men, especially not abuse

Anonymous 17007


you're too brainless to argue with, as are all 'pick me' doormats

Anonymous 17050


Anonymous 17074

Ffs, do you even have a dad?
Toxicity is about people, not “masculinity” (or femininity, for that matter).
And sure in some Western cultures men are more likely to give an unsolicited opinion to others (including to men) but that’s cultural.
Not the same anon, but damn! the provincialism of most Feminists astounds me

Anonymous 17126

>Literally doesn't think men feel entitled to give their opinions when they are unsolicited
How is this just a male thing?

Anonymous 17128

depends on context its common for males regarding topics of sexual harassment. Regarding other topics, both are guilty

Anonymous 17877

If he was really keeping you safe he’d move you out of that shithole.
>safer across the border
in all seriousness though the chances are you’d be with someone big and strong enough to protect you in an emergency are slim. Anyone can carry and shoot a gun, in fact a smaller person might even be quicker with a gun in case of an emergency because they can reach it from the holster quicker. but lets take guns out of the equation. say you are walking with a bf in an ally and a group of men come out who want to rape you. At that point it doesn’t really his height. your pretty much fucked. Maybe if he’s like 6’4 and it’s 2 guys they’ll avoid the fight. But what are chances that really happens?

A better question is: do you want your bf to be safe? Do you want a strong bf to throw into crazy situations, or do you want both him and yourself to feel safe? I think a motherly type wants both herself and her partner to be as safe as possible, but a childish daughter wants a bf to go pick fights and protect herself from situations she shouldn’t be in to begin with.

Anonymous 104499

Nope. I chose all my ex partners consciously and with consideration and I still like them as people. They haven’t been perfect but they also haven’t been shitty

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