/feels/ - Advice & Venting

>ex broke up with me 2 years ago

I still think about him everyday.

>>20999
Bad breakup? I haven't seen mine in years either but agreeing to end it just because of moving 1 state away seems like a terrible decision in hindsight.

>>21002
He said he didn’t love me anymore, and he hadn’t loved me for about a year. It sucked because I really thought he was the “one”, and so did he for a while.
He feels like the one that got away. I think about how he is doing, if he has KH3, how his new life with his new girlfriend is getting on. It’s sad I guess, but I forget how rose-tinted I’m viewing it as. We’re both with new people, and she seems to make him happier than I ever could.

I met my ex online, through a really bad Korean video game. This was almost ten years ago, so things like discord weren't around, neither of us used skype, and we'd basically communicate through just text because he was terrified of giving out too much information online, and I was understanding about it since it meant I could be with him.

Looking back on this time, I was pretty pathetic. I didn't have any self confidence and I kind of latched onto this person I knew very little about besides the fact that I felt good around him. I told him so much about myself, while he was aloof and distant, but the feelings I got when I was around him were what kept me coming back. Isn't that weird? I look back on it now, scroll through the messages I left him on our forum accounts, and wonder why I was so head over heels.

Finally, after five years of me getting closer and closer and him refusing to budge, he just started avoiding me everywhere. Un-added me from everything. Said he didn't want anything to do with me. That really sucked, because I thought we were at least close enough to remain friends, but he didn't want it. A person I'd spoken to and confided in every day just vanished out of nowhere. He would come back multiple times after that, on and off, for another year. And like an idiot, I'd take him back, start talking to him again, open up and forget about all the pain, and then he'd just disappear, claiming to want nothing to do with me again. Like a really bad roller coaster. The third time it happened, I'd come to expect it, and so I didn't feel anything.

I haven't felt anything since then, generally speaking. I went out with one other person after that, but I didn't feel anything for him and broke it off when he started flirting with other girls.

I can't even hold onto friendships. People move away, they disappear, they block online contact; it happens so often that I've begun to just expect it. I feel like I've formed thick callouses over my heart.

>>21004
>He said he didn’t love me anymore, and he hadn’t loved me for about a year.
That must have been so painful, I'm really sorry it ended that way for you. Nobody should have to hear it that way. Best of luck in the new one, and from someone who's been there, doting too hard on that last relationship can ruin your current ones. Don't end up like me.

Cheated on me. I left them over it. Now they have a kid and work at walmart.
I feel bad. I wonder all the time if I should have done something differently. How much difference it could have made if I was just a better person

>>20981
Fuck am I stupid.
>met this guy: tall, strong, hot, smart, deep voice that could make you orgasm with a ‘hello’, even a big dick.
>my housemates “he’s handsome, but he’s just a soldier. You’re at Vassar! He said just a fling!” So I got petty and was rude to him. He was calm but just faded out, all polite.
6 years ago.
I’m another cubicle rat eking out survival and he’s married, second kid on the way, owns a house.

>>21042
Dammit
“He is just a fling”

>>21042
This sounds like a made up story.

>>21038
No sweeite, THEY should've been a better person. Good people don't cheat.

>>21049
>Good people don't cheat.
I'm sure I'll get flak for this, but this is an incredibly naive way of viewing cheating. Usually, relationships are far more complex than people can actually admit to themselves, and usually there is a deep-rooted problem that neither party can properly solve without serious introspection.

t. been on both sides of cheating

People can make mistakes. To say that "good people don't cheat" is to logically invite the possibility of all liars, regardless of context, as being unable to do good.

I feel bad for the other anon, seriously, having an absolutist attitude in life is bound to fill your future with crushing disappointment.

>>21064
>don't be naive
>relationships are complex
>people make mistakes
>you and your absolutism are the problem
>t. a cheater
I was going to make a joke but you made them all yourself. Typical of a dumb shallow cheater to not notice all the self-own in their cope.

>>21069
All you did was prove me right.

>>21071
I'm not that anon, dumbdumb, that was my first post ITT. You're not going to convince anyone that going out and finding some rando to fuck behind your partner's back is an understandable response to having some issue with the relationship. It does nothing to address any problem. It's self-centered, it's impulsive, it's spiteful, it carries every hallmark of a person with poor self-control and ability to empathize. I.e., as anon said, not a good person.
I can at least say that I'm glad you've gotten to experience your own shitty kind.

>>21072
>I'm not that anon, dumbdumb
Cool
>You're not going to convince anyone that going out and finding some rando to fuck behind your partner's back is an understandable response to having some issue with the relationship
Because that's what I said, right? You lack reading comprehension skills. That isn't what I said at all. I specifically said that saying "good people don't cheat" is an unhealthy perspective to have. I was not trying to justify my previous actions.
>It does nothing to address any problem
I completely agree
>It's self-centered
Agreed.
>it's impulsive
Also agreed
>it's spiteful
Ehh, depends on the circumstances.
>it carries every hallmark of a person with poor self-control and ability to empathize
I can agree with this, but people can learn and do better, and cheating does not inherently carry implications that the cheater lacks empathy. That's projection if I've ever seen it.
>I can at least say that I'm glad you've gotten to experience your own shitty kind.
I mean, I've grown from both experiences and they are far enough in my past to where I can view them without severe emotional reaction.

You seem incredibly angry that humans are prone to bouts of stupidity. Also, claiming ultimate virtue does not make yourself virtuous.

>>21075
I've also grown from the experience of several shitty relationships - but without cheating.
>Also, claiming ultimate virtue does not make yourself virtuous.
You're right. Being virtuous is what makes me virtuous. Even as dumb kids, some people have enough common decency to not betray their troublesome significant other. Weird!
>That's projection
Dropping buzzwords and smug animals won't change the fact that you couldn't care about a loved one enough to not fuck them over for no good reason.
Maybe you have grown, and maybe you would be a "good" enough person to not cheat on someone now. Even so, you weren't a "good" person when you were pulling that shit, so I don't see how anon's "good people don't cheat" is inaccurate.

When I think of my ex and the other setbacks in my life, it makes me want to passively die. Wait out the clock of a natural life but frustrated that it goes so slow. They say you never really heal from breakups, it's always with you in some corner of your psyche. So it doesn't make me truly suicidal. I have no actual ideation. I just wish it would hurry up and end because of no hope for the future. I have no will to try again.

>>21076
I'm not even going to respond to this proper. You're just too young and naive.

>>21078
polite of you to concede, gg no re

>>21046
Yeah, I know

>>21072
Believe it or not, cheating is extremely common and you have probably befriended or even dated cheaters without realizing it. It is a hallmark of immaturity more than anything else. She's right in saying that it is a naive way of seeing things. People can do good things and bad things without being labeled a saint or a demon.
>>21049 is correct though she shouldn't feel bad, enabling the cheating doesn't help them grow up.

>>21087
>you have probably befriended or even dated cheaters without realizing it
It's still bad, and it's even worse if they hide it from you while dating. Deception is for enemies.

>>21089
No one said cheating is good, it's always bad but they won't get a big fat tattoo on their foreheads saying "cheater". Hopefully they have learned from the experience and won't do it again.

>>21090
>but they won't get a big fat tattoo on their foreheads saying "cheater"
Saying something would be nice, but they don't want anyone to know because they know deep in their heart they have sinned. They know they have to hide it or else people will judge. Or else the one's they're dating would know. They only know how to make enemies and nothing else. Bad people.

>>21091
Actually, in a healthy relationship a mature partner would disclose these things early on. They're less likely to do it if they see their partner is immature and can't handle a less than perfect past without seeing things black and white.

>>21092
>i sure would not like to be cheated on
>hides urge to cheat
What is wrong with you.

>>21091
>being this unread
All sins can be forgiven. To say they can't is to question God's infinite mercy. Even as a Catholic, I was taught that. Stop acting like this. It's embarrassing. Also, stop reading so literally into those replies. Anon obviously said that cheaters don't have something that immediately announces to others they cheat, but in no way said that honesty is something that should be avoided. Stop putting words in other people's mouths.

>>21099
One word and you go nuts. The reason they refuse to tell anyone they cheat is because they know how someone can react to that. They know it's wrong, but they don't show remorse let alone confess. It's deceptive.

>>21102
Wasn't even that anon. Also, you really like to generalize. Whatever, I'm not going to derail this thread because you think every cheater is evil. Lol

>>21104
Didn't say you were, but go ahead and concede. I hope nobody has to taint their lives with someone the likes of you. :)

>>21106
>Didn't say you were
Bitch, did I say I was a cheater? No? Then stop acting like some conceited child. There was nothing to win. It wasn't a debate. It was a bunch of anons calling you dumb, and for good reason. You've done nothing but troll this entire thread.

>>21107
No, you didn't say. Neither did I say I was the original anon, either. Doesn't this feel silly, now.

>>21108
Were you recently cheated on anon? It's usually people who have unresolved personal experiences with it that react so strongly. Being angry and believing others are just evil is easier for you but eventually you'll have to figure out that it is not that simple.

>>21086
It was a large combination of things. I moved to be with my bf in rural Texas. We eventually grew really distant after I found out he didn't want to have kids even though I should have figured that out prior to moving, but I didn't want to move back home since I had already established myself where I was and I didn't want to move to Austin because it was stupid expensive. I ended up flirting with another guy over Facebook and my ex caught me. He kicked me out and I drove around homeless for a while until I eventually saved up enough cash to drop a security deposit on my own place. It was the first apartment I ever got and I was 22.

We just weren't compatible, but I had no idea how to address those incompatibilities with him. He eventually attempted to convince me that having kids "would be a burden on the planet" and I went against my desires for babby. I believed him because I didn't know any other guy, so I ran with it, but it was really unhealthy.

I'm 28 now. We ended up getting back in touch a while back. I apologized to him for everything, but he ended up apologizing a lot to me, especially for allowing me to be homeless for a month and him manipulating me. We had a good cry together and I honestly felt a lot better after that. I'm in a really happy relationship now, so yeah.

Some points why people cheat:

>They are married and/or have children. It would be too expensive to divorce. They don't want their children to live without father/mother.
>nostalgia
>the partner doesn't want to contribute to the relationship
>people want more sexual experience, but their partner doesn't want an open relationship
>people are afraid and self-conscious. They rather hurt their partner than eventually getting hurt themselves.

And instead of just fucking ending the relationship, they keep their feelings a secret because they "don't want to hurt you"

>>21109
>who hurt you
Passive-aggression doesn't make you seem any less bad of a person. I thought you were done here?
>>21110
>flirting with another guy over Facebook
Anon, that's not even close to cheating. That's like considering a LDR a close relationship. Sounds like he overreacted, especially since he didn't want any kids to begin with, so why would he even be upset? I swear some people just don't know what they want half the time. Whoever you're with now doesn't believe in that stuff right?

>>21114
I mean, I personally feel like I cheated emotionally and it was still a breach of trust with my ex. I've told my current bf and he kind of had the same reaction and even laughed, but only because he thought the entire situation was a mess of immaturity and poor judgement. Still, he said even if I "physically cheated" he wouldn't have minded so long as I was honest, so yeah… I think we have a very positive relationship.

>>21115
Eh, what did he expect? For you to just die with him? You did the right thing. Actually cheating on someone because you're "bored" is what's wrong. You weren't married, and he obviously was too immature for marriage. Good riddance to him, and good luck to you two.

>>21114
>Passive-aggression doesn't make you seem any less bad of a person
Why would I be a bad person? I never even cheated. And I didn't say I was done.

>>21118
Enabling it is pretty bad.

>>20981

had to go no contact w my ex after months of trying to be friends after they dumped me because it genuinely feels too bad to keep trying.

my feelings of hurt/love have just gotten more and more extreme, to the point that I started having thoughts that disgust and frighten me. I know that disengaging completely is the only thing that'll help, but I still feel like I've failed as a person somehow.

>>22390
What makes you think you've failed?

>>22391

they were never "serious" about me, weren't attracted to me, didn't remember how long we'd been together, and kind of screwed me over. but I still feel like everything that went wrong was my fault, and I feel like being unable to control my emotions afterward was/is also my fault.

A good person wouldn't have the thoughts and feelings I've had about my ex. I want to be a good person, and I couldn't make my brain stop it, except by running away. I couldn't deal with it. I'm ashamed of myself.

>>22392
You need to put it behind you, anon. There's nothing to gain from looking back at any of this. Try your hardest to move on from it.

>>22393

thank you. I'm going to do my best to get over this.

>>22392
what kind of thoughts and feelings are we talking about here? it's ok to have fucked up thoughts and ideas every now and again, as long as you don't actually act on them. doesn't mean you secretly want to do those things either, sometimes your subconscious constructs depictions of things you really don't want to happen just to fuck with you.

>>22396

:( paranoid/sadistic/suicidal intrusive thoughts is the best way to explain it, followed by panic attacks for having the thoughts. I couldn't stop imagining things like, for example, killing myself in increasingly horrible ways.

I think it's repressed rage. The problem is that that rage should have (almost) nothing to do with them. It's like my mind has latched onto the idea of them as an "excuse" to feel the buried anger.

I said something pretty nasty - true but nasty - to them when I said goodbye. Before that, they'd told me I was doing good (as a former ex? as a friend?) so I hope that I didn't hurt them too much and they don't hate me for too long.

>>22399
well thats all pretty understandable to be honest. you shouldn't beat yourself up about feeling a certain way, especially when you recognize that those thoughts and feelings aren't the real you and are only brought on because of all the emotional turmoil you've faced. I've been through a break up that just kicked the shit out of me to the point where it felt like all the colour had gone out of my life. there were a lot of times where i would look at passing traffic or the subway pulling into the station and really think "I should just end things and jump". sometimes this sort of shit just sticks with you for a long time. I'm still not back to 100% to be honest, but i've had some conversations with people in my life that i can trust and i know love me, and doing that put those thoughts out of my head almost for good.

I guess in summation, you don't have to feel bad about feeling bad. if those feelings really do have nothing to do with your ex, then you should try to find a way to figure out where they really come from and try to understand them a little better. but if you think they might have something to do with them after all, I'd suggest writing a letter(you don't have to send it) or having a conversation with an imaginary version of them about all the things that are bringing you down. if it turns out they really are an "excuse" to let those feelings out, fuck it, its a good excuse. don't feel guilty about this kind of thing.

>>20981
>male
>met through Yik yak but went to my uni
>officially over about a year ago
>we continued to talk off and on until about a month ago when I finally blocked him
He was abusive towards me (mostly like physically, but also emotionally and sexually). I recognize how toxic the relationship was overall, but a part of me is scared that he will was my only chance at a bf like he said. Get jealous when I hear about him with other girls. Still constantly think about him and check on him online. Not in a loving way, more like an obsessive "make sure he's ok and occupied and not gonna blame me for his unhappiness and think about hurting me" sort of way.

I have a couple I could list.

>1. male, my high school bf.
turns out horny teenage boys are pretty much a low iq subspecies and ruined my outlook on guys for a long time. nonetheless, quiet breakup and definitely not in touch.

>2. female, i got catfished to all hell lol
you know those girls who have insane insecurity issues and facetune themselves way skinnier and prettier than they are? i would've been cool with whatever body she had if not for the other major personality issues that comes with someone who does that… breakup was awful: i went off on her after catching her cheating. she could be dead for all i care or know.

>3. female, bipolar but one of the ones who was managing her illness very well compared to others.
couldn't take it though. not in touch though on occasion we'll see eachother in social circles. it's not too awkward. i hope she does alright in life.

That was years ago. These days am happily with someone, several years strong… I'm pretty much going to put a ring on her if things go well. Also I don't really stay in touch with exes unless they get in touch first. No harm no foul, I move around a lot and don't have the energy for a ton of people let alone exes.

anyone else here get jealous thinking about their bf's past relationships/their exes? idk if this is normal or just weird

>>22433
yeah. hard to wrap your head around stuff like that sometimes. i get jealous pretty easy honestly, but you gotta put things in perspective and remember that they're with you now and (presumably) wouldn't rather be with anyone else.

>6.5 year relationship
>he became more and more abusive over that time until enough was enough when he threatened to punch me one day
>broke up, then stupidly took him back for like a month because he promised to change. went right back to being abusive
>dumped and put him on no-contact
>he broke no-contact to send me a sappy message. I reminded him of the no-contact and removed that means of contact
>been 5 years now and I haven't spoken to him, haven't seen him, I don't use social media and don't browse it, we have no mutual friends
>no idea where he is now or what happened, frankly don't care, he feels the same to me as some shitty kid's book I might have read when I was young, didn't particularly like, never read again, and forget the title of
>can't even fathom how I could have been with him because he's not my type at all
>only regret is that I wasted that much time with such a loser
>I have no social media so he can't check me out. I've also moved out of state and started going by another name
I kind of want those six and a half years back though. The sex wasn't even good. Man I was so stupid.

Someone I met freshman year of high school. We were never really close, although both of us wanted to be. He tried really hard, but it was difficult because of his autism. He asked me out, and I rejected him. I said I'd like to date him, but we needed more time as friends. He didn't understand why. He asked again months later, but we still never got closer in that time. It was over text when I was at home; my dad was trying to take my phone from me aggressively, and he's a pretty big dude. "Who was that? Let me see IT! It's -guy I'm talking about- isn't it? You're fucking!" I locked myself in the bathroom and started to cry. Friend proceeded to call me, and I couldn't answer him because I was being screamed at and the door being pounded on. I felt horrible because I knew the guy was probably freaking out. I had to give my answer in person at school the next day and explain what happened. Friend didn't believe me and was upset. We kind of grew apart, and aside from casual conversation, eventually stopped talking and graduated.

A year later, we text again (found each other on Insta), and he asks me to come over and see if we could make things work. I said yes. We tried to go out, but I was in a horrible place in life and he just shut down completely from overload trying to process our conversations. I was suicidal and wound up on a hold. I called him while I was there, and he broke up with me over the phone. I tried to text him when I got out, he said he never wanted to speak to me again (but not in a negative way, it ended on good terms). Still, it felt lonely and shitty I was still living with my abusers and now I was all by myself with no one to talk to.

During one of our dates he said, "I kind of see why you said you wanted to wait (get closer as friends)." He didn't understand my dad was abusive and a control freak, that I couldn't just "go out with him" when he asked back in high school. But over the course of time, my friend started to witness my dad's behavior and believe me.

>>22433
I was so hurt by my ex's past that it led to the fall of our relationship :///

He wanted to be friends with me badly after he broke up with me but I said no because I still love him and want to get back with him but I know he doesn't want that.

First ex, female, super crazy relationship that went too fast and got too serious. Her parents got involved and there were threats. She dropped out of school and nobody sees her any more, her parents are batshit insane.
Next ex, male, year and a half long distance relationship but we met in person. I either lost feelings for him or never had them, either way I had to break it off and stop wasting his time once I realized it. He wanted to stay friends/ wanted to get back together, but I didn't want to catch feelings again, so I said no.
Next ex, male, met on tinder, dated for a month or so, didn't get to the "I love you" stage. He broke up with me a few days before my senior homecoming that we were supposed to attend together. No contact, not interested in there being any.
No exes since then

My ex keeps leaving me voicemails telling me how much he misses me and that I'm everything he ever wanted. Before we started hanging out we both talked about how we wouldn't want a relationship and then he sort of pressured me into one and I tried to give it a go, but broke it off within 3 months. It's been a year since then and he's still not giving up. I keep telling him we can only be friends and if he can't respect that, then not even that. So he acts like a friend for a while and then asks if there's any possibility of us dating again in the future. I keep saying no. I'm so tired of it. I can't just block him because we share a social circle and I was his first gf and he's only ever been a total puppy of a guy. I'd be #cancelled.

>1st
I was really pigeon-holed as the school lesbian, so when a new girl arrived from the city who was out and proud, we pretty much immediately started dating, except over time it became apparent she was just experimenting and broke up with me just before final exams. I was so broken hearted I missed my physics and math exams, destroying my life trajectory and setting me back years. I haven't seen or heard anything about her since graduation.
>2nd
First guy I liked and he was great, but he signed up for the army for the free engineering degree and came back from his eventual deployment very different. He was just so sad and reserved, always sitting on a well of anger with a hair-trigger that anything could set off. He refused to acknowledge it as PTSD and broke up with me to spare me the pain. We still talk, but he has a wife and kids now.
>3rd
We met online and he was just so amazing that I really fell hard. He's brilliant, but dumb as a rock when it comes to reading people, so I had to get him alone on skype and tell him straight that I liked him. We had a great relationship and he fell hard for me too, and when we met for the first time I really did feel like uprooting and moving to be with him. Eventually, though, I got my uni acceptance and suddenly actually had a life with a career. We realised neither of us could move and be together, which ended things in a really depressing and awkward way. I learned only a few months ago that the whole ordeal we went through was because he essentially gave me up. He left our group of friends because he couldn't bear to be around me every day and not be there with me. We don't talk anymore, but I can't bear to get rid of our massive chat logs, the GB's of things he's sent or the gifts he gave me all these years later. I think he was the first guy I ever really loved and I do still love him.

ex #1 - love of my life and i fucked it up. but i wasn't all that happy while we were together and as much as i look back wishing it had worked out i don't think it ever would have. i haven't heard from him since we broke up. i miss him a lot sometimes.

ex #2 - things are and were… difficult. our relationship wasn't all that normal. after we broke up we said we wanted to be friends but he would say so much shit that made me unhappy i told him i didn't wanna talk anymore. few weeks later we had an argument in some r9k thread and started talking again and i dont think i ever really got over him but the things he says still make me so unhappy. i think he thinks im trash but i still want him in my life against all my better judgement.