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/feels/ - Advice & Venting

Talk about relationships of all kinds, ask for advice, or just vent

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Traumatic Experiences Anonymous 34206

What was the most traumatic experience of your childhood (before 20)? I'd say mine was losing my house and a lot of my belongings in a fire.

Anonymous 34212

getting punched in the face by my crackhead uncle

Anonymous 34230

My dad stalked my mom and I after a messy violent divorce, we had to move several times and I had to constantly switch schools. Restraining orders didn't work, begging my court-ordered therapist to tell the courts not to give him custody didn't work, and I was becoming somebody that I really disliked.

Anonymous 34231

getting thrown into sea as a toddler to learn how to swim. I did actually learned how to swim that way, but I almost drowned and didn't go deeper than waist until I was 14

Anonymous 34232

Something so traumatic that I can't remember.

Anonymous 34403

Same. All I know is it was a really invasive medical exam when I was 3. I have no memory of it and I am a-ok with that.

Anonymous 34437

Discovered I'm the spawn of my mum cucking my dad with my oldest brother's best friend when he was like 12.

It completely tore the family apart, and even though he says he loves me and nothing would change that, every time my dad looks at me, I can see the pain all over his face.

Anonymous 34438


Anonymous 34439

There's no waking up from this nightmare.

Anonymous 34452

In sophomore year of hs, a college counselor told my crush my grades and standardized test scores while in a private meeting with him. The implication was that I wasn't smart enough to get into (insert prestigious school here). She also claimed I could never be a programmer because I got Bs in French class, because spoken languages and programming languages are the same thing.

Anonymous 34472


Painful vivid memory of saying goodbye to my dad for the last time when my parents got divorced and me and my mom moved away. I spent the morning drawing with chalk on the sidewalk before we left so he would see the drawings later and remember me.

Anonymous 34474

What happened to him after that?

Anonymous 34478

Are you in some society where programming courses are really prestigious

Anonymous 34479

>traumatic experiences
Dad beating the shit out of me
>most traumatic experience
That time he beat the shit out of me really hard

Anonymous 34504

How did you even discover that?

Anonymous 34546

I became really close with him (let's just go with J) because he was so close to my brother and, since J's a geneticist, I asked him to organise a DNA test because I distrust 23andMe. He was really hesitant, and when some things just didn't add up, my mother became really defensive and I arranged a paternity test. When I confronted her with the results, all hell broke loose and the whole lie unfolded. J came clean and revealed he'd known since he was 13 or 14, and been in constant tension with my mother over it, wanting to tell me since I was little. My dad organised paternity tests for my brothers and that was it, family detonated.

I decided to look back at photos and found one of all of us in a big picture from school with J standing right behind me, same eyes, same hair, same skin and same ears…right next to my brown eyed, brown haired, tanned brothers.

Anonymous 34547

I am sorry to hear that. are you still in contact with J ? how is he coping with being assaulted at 12 ??

Anonymous 34548

We still see each other, and he's still friends with my brother, while my other brothers despise him and hold him accountable for destroying the family. He's always been very fatherly and protective of me, but now he's just more open about it. He says he forgave my mother years ago, but the vitriol between them is proof enough he still rightfully harbors resentment and I think it shows my mother really doesn't believe she did anything wrong.

Anonymous 34551

thanks for this story. this is very sad and I wish you both the best.

Anonymous 34917

i guess what truly marked me was one of the many bad things mom said to me even though i cant remember any specific thing
but what i can remember best is having trash thrown at me and later on being made to apologize for it

Anonymous 47010

Seeing a decapitated head. I cried on the bus ride to uni.

Anonymous 47015

When I was in middle school, we went on a big family vacation, and apparently I took too long to get ready or something because my father screamed at me like he had never screamed before. He called went on about how much I was wasting his time and money he had spent on taking us somewhere nice and called me an ungrateful, entitled little bitch. I know that sounds mild compared to what some girls go through at the hands of their fathers, but I was a sheltered and sensitive only child who basically derived her self worth from doing well in school and making her parents happy, and it shattered my world. Not all at once, but the cracks started to become canyons later, when I started burying my emotions as best I could around my parents, or found it hard to believe my dad whenever he said he was proud of me, or with self-esteem issues I still struggle with in my 20s. I think he bottles up his emotions until they explode, like a lot of men with low emotional intelligence. I'm sure he regrets it, but frankly I don't really care.

Anonymous 47016

jesus christ, where do you live??

Anonymous 47025

ice tea is very nice wink

Anonymous 47148

Mexico, unfortunately.

Anonymous 47157

I was walking home from my first job when I was 16 and stopped on a street corner to take my jumper off and put it in my bag. These three aboriginal guys, stinking of glue, immediately surrounded me and took my bag, then my phone and wallet. When they realised I only had about $5, one of them just grabbed me by the hair and stuck his fingers down my throat before dragging me into an overgrown vacant block. They started stripping me as I started vomiting and choking on it. I was so panicked for air that I couldn't do anything but struggle to get the vomit past his fingers and out of my throat. Suddenly he pulls his fingers out and scratches me across the eye. I sat bolt upright to see a huge guy in a black hoodie proceed to physically lift the man off me and slam him head first into a pile of concrete chunks. He kicked another guy and sent him spilling out onto the road before just knocking out the third with a punch to the side of the head. He called an ambulance for me, gave me some water, looked after me and just kind of awkwardly looked around, then shuffled off while apologising as the flashing lights got closer. In the end he inflicted permanent spinal and skull injures on #1, a broken sternum and ribs on #2 and permanent brain damage on #3.

It was traumatic, and really wrecked me emotionally for years, but now I can think about it and discuss it without any discomfort.

Anonymous 47158

Oh anon abos are notorious for this type of thing kek.
Even when you recover from PTSD stuff it still afflicts us.
Hope your life is going better now.

Anonymous 47228


vives en ecatepec o cerca de el?

Anonymous 47280

vivo en el norte, amiga.

Anonymous 47284

>>47157 damn what a hero

Anonymous 47301

Yo tambien. En Sonora. Ten cuidado nomas no hagas nada estupido nunca y jamas va a haber problemas.

Anonymous 47302

It's more uncommon that you think but it can happen I guess. The only irl gore I have ever saw was in a transit accident in a highway, it was a dumb driver that got over confident and wanted to possibly overtake the front of the car he was behind and didnt see the bus in the other lane so he ended up crashing against the bus, that's it. His head was pulp thankfully his car was red so the blood spill was hard to see. But that was an accident and the driver's own fault. Seeing a legit crime is another thing…

Anonymous 47365

>Seeing a legit crime is another thing…
That's why it freaked me out so much - it was pretty obvious the man had been killed and his head dumped. The city where I live is violent and full of crime, but it tends to be somewhat peaceful in my neighbor. It was pretty shocking to leave my house and discover a decapitated head just a couple of meters(yards for the burgers)away from my house.

Anonymous 64991

Waiting at my school until 10PM when my mom could then pick me up. I was too afraid to take the bus with all my acne.

Anonymous 64995

When I was 10 the factory my dad worked for realized they'd make more money closing and moving production to China. In the following 6 months we lost our house, my parents split, I got to be homeless for a minute with my mom living in our car, then I had to go into foster care. 6 months after that we were all back together with my dad working at a new factory on the other side of the country and everyone acting like none of it ever happened.

The only justice was that the Chinese factory realized they could just stick a different company logo on what they were already producing and sell it for half the price of the American company and they put them out of business in about 5 years.

Anonymous 64997

These posts are all so sad I feel so bad for all of you, I don't think anything worse happened to me besides my family dog passing away when I was like 14 and being pretty poor.

Anonymous 64998


When i was in 2nd grade i used to have 2 guy friends among all the other girl friends i used to play with. One day after school they asked me if i wanted to play chess with them and we went to a nearby cafe where we played for a hour or so. Nothing happened with them, but after a few games my mom came in all angry and screaming. She grabbed me by my hair, slapped me and bashed my head against the table. A teacher had told her she saw me leaving with two guys and she had been searching for me since.

I don't know if i should blame her for it since she was worried about me, or if i should be angry about it since she was excessively violent.

Anonymous 64999

>She grabbed me by my hair, slapped me and bashed my head against the table. A teacher had told her she saw me leaving with two guys and she had been searching for me since.
How old were these two guy friends??

>I don't know if i should blame her for it since she was worried about me, or if i should be angry about it since she was excessively violent.

Blame the teacher AND your mother, but mostly the teacher because he or she probably made the situation worse by calling them guys instead of boys (I'm assuming they were the same age as you), your mother was obviously worried thinking you were kidnapped by some 20 or 30 year old guys, but she's still a mental basket case for doing that to you.

Anonymous 65000

One was 8, the other 9. I wat also 8 myself.

Anonymous 65001

Actual trigger warning.
a ton of family dying, seeing my dogs back get broken, a French girl trying to drown me, two girls trying to get me to drink bleach and flea powder mixed together, getting sexually abused, getting raped, a terrorist failing to detonate.
Worse stuff happened post 20s. I have had horrendous luck growing up. Idk if this helps anyone but focusing on healing from trauma is super important and PLEASE stick with it and don’t give up, it really will get better.

Anonymous 65002

>8 and 9
Yeah, it's a big part your teacher's fault, they probably made your mom think some late teens or adult druggies were taking you to do crack or get fucking raped. That being said your mom is a fucking bitch for reacting that way upon seeing you safe and sound.

I'm sorry you had to go through that.

Anonymous 65003

That's awful anon, you're a stronger person than me and it's good that you have a positive and "push through the hard shit" attitude on life. I hope your life is much better now and you get the happiness you deserve.

Anonymous 65004


Anonymous 65005

Terrorist attacks. Attacks in distant cities are common news but there was a time where terrorism was a huge problem even in safe cities like mine. There was even a suicide bomber in my school area (I heard the explosion but didn't see). Luckily it isn't insane like that anymore.

Anonymous 65013

I have much of the same experience as this anon though on a long-term dismissal basis rather than a shorter and direct outburst. My dad thought I was uppity because I didn't really care in a few of my classes in grade 7 so he perpetually yelled at me and any time I would speak up and he yelled longer and harder. I still can't express myself without feeling guilty of taking up space. I know for a fact he didn't do this with my younger brother which makes me question how much of it was genuine distaste for having a daughter.

Anonymous 65014

What the actual fuck was wrong with your mother

Anonymous 65035

Thanks, I try not to think about it often. It takes me back to that moment and I feel the fear and powerlessness despite being in my 20s now. Reading the other posts here kind of makes me feel pathetic for being upset over something like this but those feelings never went away.

Anonymous 65036

Holy shit, are you based in Israel by any chance?

Anonymous 65083

Nope, I'm in ME but not Israel. This was happening when ISIS was becoming a huge concern but since then it has calmed down

Anonymous 65346

I was in foster care for awhile. It was fucking shitty

>Foster dad was a pastor, meaning up to 14 hour mandatory days at church

>"Dancing is a sin" "a wife is her husband's helpmate" kinda church
>Kept food locked in cabinets away from us
>Up to 9 foster kids in a 3 bedroom house on the weekends
>Girls in charge of 100% of chores
>Got punished for needing to go to the doctor
>Foster parents 450+lb grandson was prone to violence
>Once grabbed a pole and chased one of the boys down the street threatening to beat him to death
>Also slid love letters to my roommate under our door at night
>Finally removed when I broke down crying in court bc the neglect got to me

Anonymous 65375

This thread makes me see how good I have it so I am somewhat embarrassed to have PTSD, I must just be fragile. Anyways it is mostly being bullied in elementary school. They threatened me with a lot of violence and I was afraid to go to school each day. The teachers didn't do anything about it so I had nowhere to turn. The kids would frame me for things and no one would ever take my side and I was punished for shit I didn't even do. And every time they talked to me it was a pretext for getting material to mock me with. Honestly to this day I can't believe people are being honest with me when they show kindness to me. They ruined my life

Anonymous 65379

I'm glad you got out, Anonette. Hopefully you ended up someplace better and more loving. I've always thought it was strange how some of the worst people become foster parents. Are there really no checks and balances?

Anonymous 65405


I'm sure it depends on where you are, but my foster parents always got a heads-up before the social workers came. Just enough time to remove the locks and pretend everything was fine. Even after my courtroom breakdown (I didn't have medications, vision correction, wasn't eating, etc) all I got for my trouble was being moved 200+ miles away from everything I knew to a town in the middle of nowhere.

Thankfully I'm in a much better place now, and I have a lovely little family I built myself.

I don't think you're being fair to yourself when you say you're fragile. What you describe sounds like absolute hell, especially at such a young age. It's understandable that damaged your ability to trust people when they're kind to you. That's an insane level of manipulation to go through. Don't be embarrassed, you have nothing to be ashamed of

Anonymous 65423

>Hopefully you ended up someplace better
Poor innocent soul, foster care is a business. My creep moid math teacher was a foster parent of two girl my age. When he realized the money the government gives to foster parents was barely enough to break even, he send one of the sisters away. Somehow the government allowed it, and a girl lost her sister. Afterwards he realized he could not make enough of a profit and asked for her to be taken away.

Anonymous 65426


Unfortunately the only way to make money as a foster parent is to refuse to take care of your foster children. And (especially in more rural places) the more you complain, the worse it gets. A girl got sent away from my second foster home and she was placed several hundred miles away with a farm family that openly only had foster kids for cheap farm labor. They were homeschooled and spent all their free time doing farm work and they never got to leave the farm.

Unfortunately separating siblings is common. I only knew one pair of sisters who stayed together, and even then they were just in the same town, not the same foster house. My heart breaks for the sisters in your story, and I hope they were able to reunite as adults

Anonymous 65429

is it a bad sign that this made me laugh

Anonymous 65431

mine feels silly, but i guess when my dad slammed his fist on me for spilling juice on him. he would yell at me a lot, and I remember he would throw things at me (probably only 3 times) but the only time he hit me/made me feel physical pain was when I was a kid and to get that as a 17 year old scared the crap out of me. I thought he was going to kill me I was so scared and angry. I then called CPS, and nothing really happened. I think the main reason why this traumatized me so much is when I realized how most kids are going through actual shit and here I am shaking and crying over my dad hitting me. I honestly dont know what to feel, if it was my fault or his. In the end I had to apologize, while my dad only said sorry when he was intoxicated or when he was very emotional which was rare. This all happened 6 years ago and I still cry about it because I feel so guilty and mad for endangering my family via CPS and for feeling so hurt over my dad berating all the time and calling me names and then hitting me. I am still working through my issues and I plan on getting better. I dont want to stay like this forever sorry for the vent I just started crying while typing this out and now all of these crappy feelings are flooding back dang

Anonymous 65449

>This thread makes me see how good I have it so I am somewhat embarrassed to have PTSD, I must just be fragile. Anyways it is mostly being bullied in elementary school. They threatened me with a lot of violence and I was afraid to go to school each day. The teachers didn't do anything about it so I had nowhere to turn. The kids would frame me for things and no one would ever take my side and I was punished for shit I didn't even do. And every time they talked to me it was a pretext for getting material to mock me with. Honestly to this day I can't believe people are being honest with me when they show kindness to me. They ruined my life
Reading this has made me do some reflection and I wonder if I have PTSD myself. I went through a similar bit of bullying as you did and I cannot take compliments or believe at first if someone is being honest or not when they're speaking to me. The fear I have of social situations is unreal and the way I deal with people is so rigid.

Anonymous 65450

When I was 12 I stabbed my Dad.
Stabbing might make it sound like it was really horrible abuse, but honestly it wasn't and I just had issues with controlling my anger.
I remember getting in a few fights where he'd throw me down steps or I'd scratch at his face, and once he came in drunk while I was changing and pushed me to the ground for disrespecting him or something.
Those instances only happened once every few weeks though, and we sorted out our problems around the time I was 13 or 14.
For a while though, every time I heard somebody say the word "stab", my mind would immedietly remember the time I stabbed him. I'd get sick to my stomach, get paranoid it was a passive aggressive comment about my past, and feel intense shame.
I got in quite a few fights with my mother, we'd beat eachother up, pull hair, try to smother eachother etc.

Anonymous 67396

Got slapped and punched around and antagonized by my 30 year old “brother” for no reason at ages 16 and 17 he even tried crushing my skull in and threw his whole fat body on it and i started hiding from him… i think the antagonizing and throwing hurtful words at me stopped at 18 when my dad got him a job (i think the reason was because he invited me to draw on his pc and when he saw it he got triggered that a girl is better than him, even tho i think it was shitty from my current 21 year old perspective) then i sought refuge in my sister who was like 16 years older than me and she manipulated me and suddenly got ape shit crazy when i realized it and started the same cycle for 2 years banging on my door and calling me names slapping me around. It made me feel worthless for a long time and i just don’t trust anyone anymore. Of course this didn’t all suddenly happened at 16, there were little moments since i was a child leading up to all of it…

Anonymous 67562

Getting bullied and verbally abused at home. I would get laughed at and called names at school, just to go home and get called "retarded" and "stupid" at home. It's no wonder then why now I continue to deeply question my intelligence, even after making the Honor Roll in my college three semesters in a row and majoring in something like Computer Science.

Anonymous 67566


Having my best and basically only friend tell me that she didn't care about me anymore because of her mental disorders making her unable to feel empathy

Anonymous 67568

I'm so sorry you had to go through that.
At least now you're past all those abusive people (hopefully) and I deeply hope you can recover from these experiences soon.

I'd hate if horrible people kept a hold on anyone forever

Anonymous 67588

This is definitely not as heavy as some of the other responses but I would say my dad traumatized me early and often. He’s a very troubled man with a difficult past and he would lose his temper and go crazy on my sister and I at the drop of a hat.

Once, I went outside without shoes to throw something in the trash. He saw me and made me stand barefoot in the snow for 30 minutes. I was 10. Other times he wasn’t so creative; sometimes he would just lose it and start hitting me and screaming over nothing. My mother would then make me comfort him, as he sometimes would feel guilty afterwards.

Anonymous 67592


Thanks. I'm not exactly - I still speak with my mom because I have alot of emotional attacment to her (And she's one of the only people I have to talk to, since I still have almost no friends and don't know how to make any.) She's mellowed out, especially now that I keep more physical distance from her. If I ever had to move in with her again, she'd probably start constantly verbally abusing the shit out of me all over again though.

As for my bullies, no worries about that because I can barely remember most of their faces or even their names. And I'm a whole state and country away from most of them now, so I'll probably never even run the risk of running into them ever again. (Not going to lie, I have fantasized the scenario though, so that I can spit on them)

Anonymous 67605

>My mother would then make me comfort him, as he sometimes would feel guilty afterwards.
Ergh, that's just gross. I'm sorry anon. Do you find that this had an impact on your current self?

Anonymous 67641

Yes, it has impacted me a lot; I was diagnosed with bpd a couple of years ago and I think a lot of my fear/confusion about relationships stems from my bizarre childhood experiences with my dad. I don’t trust men especially, which might not be a bad thing, but I do wish I could form real trusting connections with others. Thank I you for asking though, how are you holding up?

Anonymous 67654

Watching my mom kill my pet because she was mad at me (11)
Watching my dad set himself on fire (12)
Being pulled out of school so that I could just be my mom's emotional support maid, being isolated from the outside world (13)
Constant physical and mental abuse (12-now)
Getting tortured (17)

I have nothing inspiring to say about how it all gets better or how happy I am now. I briefly was the poster-child for a better life after trauma, but so many things fell back through when I was about 20. I hate people more than I can express in words because they are monsters who will do the most fucked up shit in the world the second you let them. I have no friends and I cannot make friends because the second they do something seedy I never speak to them again. I am at least in therapy now and in college and maintaining a 4.0 GPA, and I got an official diagnosis for PTSD which kind of helps.

Anonymous 67657

Seconding misanthropy. What kind of pet was it and what was the story

(╯•﹏•╰) 67665

>be me, born into mentally ill, abusive and unstable family
>witness my dad beat all my siblings and mum
>gets molested by cousin at age of 5
>parents abandon me and younger sister in another
country for four years to be looked after by abusive auntie
>get groomed/molested in those 4 years
>auntie beat, tortured and bullied us. she would tie as up or stab us with forks
>gets physically hit in school by teachers bc shitty third world country
>move back to be homeless for a year
>start going to predominately school white school, is bullied nearly everyday for four years for ethnic features and being fat lol
>has witnessed every sibling suicide attempt and always supported brother during schizo breakdown
>both my cats been through traumatic experience with result of one of them dying

it doesnt end. i am legally homeless and have to reside with abusive family member. i just feel like ill never make it and find being alive not worth it. when does it get better.

Anonymous 67666

It was a gerbil. When I was that age I really loved gerbils so that was the main pet I usually had. The story was me and my mom got into some kind of argument. I don't even remember what it was over so it had to have been something insignificant. She then picked up my gerbil's cage and threw it as hard as she could. Salt (my gerbil) was laying on the ground and convulsing and blood was coming out of his mouth. I picked him up and ran outside and down the street. He died very slowly and was losing clumps of hair and blood kept coming out of his mouth and nostrils. He finally died 12 hours later in my hands. I don't think my mom ever apologized.

Anonymous 67739

When You MOVE OUT And sever ties from these people things will get better. Just being ALONE is honestly better. A lot of people tend to kind of want something from you and suck you dry to get what they want. Its weird how people constantly do what other people expect them to, and never break away from a mould for the illusion that something good will come of it. Honestly Living by yourself is SO peaceful and so uncomplicated. You grow in a million ways when you have time to think in silence. You should really both try it. Even if it means taking a job for 10$ and having to get a room mate. Anything is better than that. If you're already living alone and don't enjoy it, its because you're listening to old lies you were forced to believe when you were young. For example that you need to be in a relationship or have children. Actually anything that complicates your life can make it unstable!

Anonymous 67752

It's easy to say but very hard to do. I'm not saying it's not true, just that it's really really hard
I left my parents when I was seventeen and it took years for me to finally go no contact and stop talking with anyone in my abusive family. It's truly amazing to finally be free, not having to worries and start healing yourself, but the journey is so hard.

And then after that, I see my sister, who again and again go talk to our parents, want to be the nice little girl and get burned, insulted, humiliated shamed, even compared to me because I'm the "good child" now when I was the bad one when we were kids! They even make up email, texts or phonecall to say to her that I said that, I do that and she does not, fucked up things like that. Yet, the only person I communicate with is my sister, very unfrequently and by email, because I know if I did more she would just crash and destroy what I builded up

These kind of abusive environments are just shitty situations, there's no winning, you just have to accept that it's fucked up and go away, leave. Being an voluntary orphan with no family is better than this.

Anonymous 67791

I agree it is. You have to figure out what you can do and you can't do. If you grew up with a lot of anxiety and it bombards you at you job and makes you screw up a lot of the first year, then you have to deal with that. If you have no friends then you have to deal with that. (My anxiety used to be HORRENDOUS it used to interfere with me at school and at my job. Even if I did well in school, I hated interacting with people)

But its like the only way to get revenge, is to do well. It doesn't matter how. I used to feel like I was clawing at everything in existence to get rid of my anxiety it was horrid. And therapists didn't really help me at all. The only thing that really took the edge off was zoloft which I really recommend. Also you know? The health insurance market place offers really great plans for people who don't have money. I pay 12$ a month now (It used to be 33$) for really awesome insurance that offers $1k max out of pocket for a year. It really saved me when I broke my ankle during an ice storm and had to have surgery, and when I needed zoloft. I don't know if this will be helpful of course, but just in case anyone needs it.. There it is

Anonymous 67793

Dead gerbil anon here (lol). I'm currently trying to get out on my own. I thankfully did not fall for the lie that I have to have a husband and children and ties with my family to be happy. I spend a lot of time alone and meditating. I have a fiance, but he's drunk 24/7 and is usually an overbearing nuisance, so I spend a lot of time away from him. I don't know if this could be considered related or not, but with trauma people always expect you to be this inspiration story and spread love and light. I tried for a long time to be that, but it just wasn't working and was making me really hate myself. People expect so much out of people who already have the short end of the stick and I don't know why. I'm in a phase of my life of a lot of acceptance work and really looking at my life for what it is NOW rather than what it could be one day. I'm looking inward rather than desperately looking outwards to fix myself through nurturing. Trauma is hard. It's made me introspective, but it hasn't made me some wonderful beacon of light for others like people tend to hope for.

Anonymous 67795

For me people never expect anything. Never communicate anything… never talk about anything… so I feel the opposite like I must escape the tendency to neglect myself and neglect order. Like at least if I'm thinking something positive I'm not a giant gaping rapidly deteriorating black hole.. if I think one negative thing .. I think it will be like a domino effect. My mind used to be so self destructive and I had no idea why. Then I fixed it through a lot of work. But who knows?

But I get how people expect way too damn much. They're never satisfied no matter what you do or with anything so you shouldn't care anyway.

I'm afraid of relationships with mmen also because I don't want to be emotionally reliant on one. It's probably stupid and irrational now but I became so careful about what I let into my life.. My minds like this intricately wound machine and I got it this way through a lot of work. I swear to fucking God if it ever blows apart again I'll murder. I'll end up in jail because I'll murder the guy that screws with my head again

Anonymous 67797

If your trauma stems around being forgotten about, then it could be helpful for you to be mindful of yourself and others.
A lot of mine stemmed from having to BE the order for a bunch of dysfunctional morons, so for me excessive concern with order and whether everything is good and happy just makes me go back to my old loops and patterns of blaming myself for the sun setting at night and birds shitting on people's cars (metaphorically). I too often feel like if one more big thing happens I'm going to snap. Abuse awoke something really dark in me when I was 14 or so, and it hasn't really ever gone away.

Anonymous 67831

Serenity is absolutely blissful. It's the only thing that isn't a lie. I know what you mean, but I dont get half of what you're saying. I feel like I've had nothing but chaos around me, and that people are soul sucking and exhausting save for a tiny handful of people I like. on't really care about others or getting deeply involved with them because it's not ever gotten me anything but more stress. People are absolute hell. Honestly sticking to your own serenity is key or people will bulldoze it. In like any way they can.. It sounds like you were taken for a ride early. Like a massively pointless ride.

Anonymous 67835

Not one experience but my mom and brother getting in angry screaming matches too many times to count. It started when I was around 12 and I thought there was something wrong with me because every time I'd cry to my mom and beg her to stop she would reassure me by telling me I was overreacting and it was none of my business. I feel so sorry for her because she couldn't stop my brothers outbursts(he's bipolar) and she was just doing what she could for both of us, but it really fucked me up. I was just a kid and I wanted a peaceful home to sleep at night but the yelling was so loud and pervasive and they wouldn't fucking stop, once it got to the point where I had a very visceral panic attack at 2 am while listening to their fighting get worse and worse and I started screaming at the top of my lungs, my brother ran to his room and my mom came and yelled at me that she had enough shit to deal with without me "crying like a fucking little baby". My friends didn't want to talk about it, I had no one to go to, no where else to stay. I couldn't even scream or cry about it because my feelings were an inconvenience to everyone else. I had to comfort my mom when she was sobbing from frustration so many times. It was such torture and even if it couldn't be avoided I'm now so fucking angry it happened, I've struggled with depression and anxiety for years, all the bottled up emotions caught up with me in my late teens and it derailed my entire life. My mom is sympathetic and I know she didn't mean to take out her anger on me, even if I resented her for it a bit. I still don't like to show my emotions until I get to a breaking point, and I always find myself being irrationally angry at people for showing too much emotion. I don't trust people and I don't want their problems. It's hard for me to connect with people.

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