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/feels/ - Advice & Venting

Talk about relationships of all kinds, ask for advice, or just vent

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trading sexual intimacy for emotional intimacy feels like shit Anonymous 99651

I've been estranged from physical intimacy for my entire life and have been coping for the last few years with online roleplay. It's been up and down, sometimes I feel very driven to immerse myself in a character and her pain, but it's starting to numb and I don't really know what to do

I've always been really good at writing because I used to do an unhealthy amount of yaoi fandom fanfic and feel like the compliments matter, but I never really feel better. I'm nearly 30 and have had physical relationships before but my fear of actual sex and obligation to my boyfriend chokes it every time and I end up attacking him in my sleep or something awful. I've basically accepted that I will be alone by now

When I write I get a lot of attention because its on a public image board and I only used to do stuff in private, so this feels good but also like shit because I can't control myself in private. I've lured men in and had them burn themselves, cut themselves, hit themselves, and even got some actually suicidal ones that I had to leave right away. I've been diagnosed with obsessive narcissism, schizophrenia, OCP, and a bunch of other stuff from my doctor but I try to just take my medication and not think about it too much. The urges to control others through my writing are really strong, but I can only feel emotions through my characters, so I don't know what to do there either. I used to do bets and stuff, I would make guys act like dogs, or be a slave myself, I know it's not healthy but it's not any worse than all the gay shit I used to write. I can't just stop, otherwise it will be like dying

I would just stick to public writing but the dissonance between what I want out of a scene and what I KNOW I HAVE TO DO FOR MY PARTNER is too much to bear anymore. I'm not reckless enough to keep up with the hyper violent masochistic scenes I used to do, but I can't actually enjoy any written intimacy anymore because I'm so fucked up. I used to, I used to be able to feel sexy and cool and loved and powerful and wounded but strong but I just can't anymore

Does anyone else hate that you have to be what men want to see you as, just to get your feelings acknowledged? I don't want to feel like sex is whats expected of me anymore but that reality is just too close for me to deny anymore and I can't find where I can be happy with it

All I really do these days is talk to the one guy that respects me and watch movies and games together, but I know if we took things further I would just fuck them up

Anonymous 100308

Every thread deserves atleast one reply

Anonymous 100315

All women have traded emotional intimacy for physical intimacy. That’s what pretty girls don’t tell you. We are all suffering just to different degrees. Like I have gotten really pretty over the last few years, lost weight, and just changed myself entirely. Women are amazing towards me and they make me feel wonderful about myself. Girls will just come up and tell me how pretty I am or how they like what I’m wearing. Men are fucking dogs and consistently sexualize me. The prettier I become the more men that notice me the more I feel like shit. It is nice not having to hold doors open for myself.

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