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/feels/ - Advice & Venting

Talk about relationships of all kinds, ask for advice, or just vent

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How to be approachable Anonymous 99723

I don’t get it. I look in the mirror and I think I’m pretty enough and I’m well-dressed. I participate a lot in class and I’ve had guys approach in class and outside of class to ask me what I got on the exam and calling me “smart” but never flirting with me/talking about anything else. Admittedly, I’ve been told I have an rbf by girls. I know a lot of people talk about being “initimidating” which I think is complete cope but I wonder how I can seem more approachable. I have a baby face and I’m short so I’m not sure what’s “intimidating” about me :(

Anonymous 99728

Do you have social anxiety? Introspective and stuck in your own thoughts a lot?

Anonymous 99731

I used to have social anxiety but not really anymore. Or not as much.

Admittedly, I am stuck in my head a lot. But this is something that actually bothers me. I don’t necessarily think it’s restricted to guys because I have trouble making friends unless I put it effort. I suppose it’s a matter of effort. So I’ve made friends. It’s harder to make a boyfriend.

Anonymous 99733

Alright. I asked because those are hurdles I've had to overcome myself in getting better at this.

It's hard to give any solid advice without actually knowing you but try to be conscious of how you're feeling next time you're in class or other social setting, just objectively observing. Are you comfortable, present? Do you feel safe? If not, why not?

I've found it's more about that sub-conscious level of comfort you display rather than anything specific. There's still a level of communication going on before anything verbal and if you aren't perceived as open to other people odds are low they'll make any attempts at anything further.

On the other hand you could always try making the first move yourself if you have the courage for it. I know it can feel taboo but taking a more active role in choosing the people you want to communicate with is never a bad thing.

That's the advice that's helped me, butcould just as well be your good looks and intelligence that intimidates people and you need to know your worth. :)

Anonymous 99737

>but could just as well be your good looks and intelligence that intimidates people
Haha! Maybe that’s it lol

I don’t think i look so good that it’s intimidating. I hope it’s not my intelligence in class. But I don’t plan to dumb myself down either. I will try to make to talk to approach and talk to people more. There was this guy I really liked, would stare at and would run into all the time but I think he got the idea that I must hate him because I kept ignoring and avoiding him. I hope not. I always wished he would come up and talk to me and now it feels too awkward to say anything.

There have been other guys who would talk to me who weren’t in my classes. There was this one in particular who would friends with my suite mates and would always make an effort to talk to me and to ask me questions even though I’m known by everyone to be quiet. Like weird ones. “Where does this door in your bedroom lead to?” Which felt like an excuse for him to enter my room.

I thought they were just being nice and I didn’t want to press it. I have my own insecurities so a part of me find it hard to believe that guys could find my attractive/appealing
Thank you for the advice <3

Anonymous 100491

maybe you give off autism vibes? not trying to be insulting

Anonymous 100503

I've never considered being autistic. I don't think I am. Do you know what exactly would make them think I'm autistic>

Anonymous 100538

>either you're ugly and in denial and/or you have "flirting-blindness".

Either way, maybe try asking anyone you're close to there to set you up? I'd strongly advise against dating apps, but if you're that desperate…

Your assessment seems to make sense. I'm not obese (I'm underweight) and don't have any disfigurements but being ugly is always an option. I can't lie and say I've never been flirted with before because I have been. I have a hard time making friends outside of my roommates, but to be fair, I never go out much. When I'm out, my face is always in my phone with my earbuds in.

>Either way, maybe try asking anyone you're close to there to set you up?

I'm a bit scared to do that. I've used dating apps before and found success. I never met up with the guys I matched with. I would always delete the app before it got to that part. I'm too scared the guys I saw on the dating apps would think I catfished them even thought I didn't use a face filter in any of my pics. It's hard for me to believe that they are real people and really want me lol. The part I like about dating apps is that the person on the other side is guaranteed to find you attractive. Asking a friend to set me up scares me because what if the guy is not into me.

Anonymous 100554

Guys today are broken by porn, internet addiction and unjustified fears about metoo/rape accusations. It's not you. It's them. They simply do not ask out anymore. Most of them only feel confident enough to approach a woman, if they aren't strangers anymore. So in order for moids to approach you, you need to already share a hobby or be more than on a greeting base with them.

Anonymous 100559

It's not a bad thing of course. It's bad that guys are so anxious today that you need to be basically their friend already for them to ask you out.

Anonymous 100596

being intimidating is not a cope thou lmao many moids drop their spaghetti if a woman is too beautiful or looks confident enough.

Anonymous 100609

i don't know. but the types of people i come across who seem approachable are the ones who don't seem to put much pressure on you to act a certain way. just warm and comfortable

Anonymous 100644

are you a woc nona? I think that's a relevant question since a lot of darker skinned women automatically get labelled as 'intimidating' regardless of how smiley they are (unless they're like aggressively bubbly and outgoing, which zaps you of tons of your energy).

Anonymous 100649

I am a darker skinned woc. I’ve always been assumed to be “rude” for not smiling enough but smiling all the time and being bubbly exhausts me.

Anonymous 100737

thought so. I am as well and people tell me I seem unapproachable all the time - I smile a lot, I have poofy hair, I make eye contact, I do wear headphones but they're bluetooth and hidden in my hair so nobody can see them, so there really is no excuse. I'm in a graduate program and literally the only people who ever bothered actively making friends with me (until these vultures found out I own my own house) were other woc of my race.

Anonymous 100744

I had another experience today. Some guy in my one of my classes said to another student, “she doesn’t seem like she wants to be approached” while pointing to me. I went to the bathroom and cried on the bathroom floor. This is actually so hurtful to me and keeps me from making friends outside of the people I already know. I feel like I’m missing out on so many new connections

Anonymous 100764

fuck that retard. u dont want to be friends or talk to guys like that anon. and idk this is likely bad advice but if u really wanted to u could go up to that guy and ask him why he said that but maybe it's not worth it if he has some dumbass reason like not smiling 24/7.

Anonymous 101249

>u dont want to be friends or talk to guys like that anon
You're right, I don't care to befriend guys like that anyways. I am not a fan on judgmental people.

After some time, I decided to play into the "quiet bitch" personality others placed on me. It has its own advantages too. I sometimes hate how people project this personality of this high-maintenance woman onto me. All only because I keep to myself, put effort into how I present myself, and am a bit quieter.

I thought me getting more into hair, makeup and fashion would help me befriend more male and female friends but I haven't seen much change. I did experience some guys hitting on me for the first time in my life, which was nice.

Again, being "smart" is the only thing I get complimented on by guys. They'll say it to me after class. This happened for the third time recently. Is this common? Am I actually autistic? I definitely am socially delayed. I used to have terrible social anxiety when I was younger. I'm recovering and would love to make some friends and maybe even a boyfriend :)

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