/x/ - /x/

I think I got cursed when I chose to stay home and not kill myself when I was 19. My mom even dreamt the night before I was going to do it of her walking into a white house, into a pure white room where my grandma (who died years ago) was next to my lifeless body on a table. She started covering me with a white sheet as soon as my mom walked in and my mom yelled no. She had no idea I was going to do it the next day at all and I never told her why she must've had that dream either. Every time I get the urge to live and I slowly improve my life somewhat, something holds me back for a year and makes me extremely suicidal or I get near death. It's always a year. Whether it's an illness or something else that happens in my life. It seriously won't stop. Right now I'm in a situation where I know it's going to last a year tops and after this I'll have my good luck back until the next round comes. How do I break this pattern? Is dying really the only option I have? I want to live now, but I think Death wants me since I begged for her to take me since I was 11.