I guess if anyone can relate to me that’d be nice or if everyone thinks i’m stupid or gross that’s fine I just need somewhere anonymous to talk about this, if i brought this to reddit I’d get called more of a freak than if I brought it here so sorry.
I have an addictive personality (diagnosed with adhd) so ever since I was in middle school I was a huge gooner. It got me into anime, video games, anonymous imageboards and whatever else, the point being for as long as I can remember I’ve been weird. I’ve always been really good at coming off as a normal person, I’m cute (not crazy good looking or anything just cute), I’ve always cared way too much about what people think of me so I have decent social skills. But I’m still at my core disgusting, I have always had really fucked up fantasies. When I was young I would livestream myself on cam girl websites trying to hide the fact I was underaged, I want to be taken advantage of, I like loli aesthetically and want my partner to see me as small cute and someone to corrupt. I can enjoy normal stuff of course but I get bored shockingly easily, so my mind ends up wandering when I’m having vanilla sex.
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 4 years or so. In the beginning things were great, I felt like I was getting all the right attention. He was a degen too but not as much as me. Over time it feels like sex has slowed down, he’s felt less confident about initiating and I have been getting him gushing over me less often over time. I haven’t gotten fat or anything, I’ve only lost weight since I started dating him. Whenever we talk about it he gets it’s a problem but for almost a year the problem has only gotten worse. I can live with it but I can tell it’s destroying my self esteem. On principle I try to be as confident in myself and in the traits that I want to have as I can be, I like being seen as pretty and cute and as desireable and when I am I feel natural being myself. When I don’t feel like that I can feel my personality disappearing, and it feels like it just feeds back into itself where my personality being muted and less sweet leads to me feeling less sweet because the feedback I’m getting from everything around me is telling me I’m doing something wrong. (Confidence might’ve been the wrong word to use before, maybe something like I try to seem confident in my personality around others)
It’s been really bad lately that I’ve been having trouble seeing him sexually, I feel insecure when trying to a
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