/feels/ - Advice & Venting

asleep, i’m paralyzed by your dreams
in delusions, i hunt for diamonds

asleep, i’m crazed by a gentle violence
asleep, i’m unaware of right or wrong
in delusions, i tear the flesh from your past
in delusions, i sew that flesh onto mine

asleep, i’m falling into envy-induced sickness
in delusions, i’m nothing–just another sweet tooth for you

The breeze a gift//Life in a breath always ephemeral//The post office returned all my letters//Does the pollen sleep or is it destroyed//I know you took nothing with you//Though where did you leave my heart//Pain is not ephemeral//The flower will die again and again//I stand tall waiting for another boot

So I have a crush on a Twitch streamer.

Normally, when I know that I have a crush on some e-celeb… if you could even call him that? I mean, he’s known but I don’t think he’s MASSIVELY known, you know? I guess he’s somewhat obscure and has been throughout his streaming career.

But anyway, whenever I feel a crush coming on, I would either watch their content less or stop watching altogether. Even worse when there is already a GF in the picture and it’s awkward fantasizing about a man who is already serious with someone else.

Like, they already have history (and not to mention, the GF is always cool as HELL too— usually talented with something related to games) and I’m absolutely talentless and not as knowledgeable about the subculture.

I don’t know but this morning I started to cry over this because DAMN.

I could never have the man— our worlds seem so vastly different and he seems mentally stable and I’m a cocktail of psychiatric illnesses, I bet. But also, even if I wanted a man like him , again, I am not “Twitch Streamer GF” material. I love video games and wished to be a dev, at some point. But I feel like I’m too old to make my break in the scene. Everyone had been around since child and teen years but I’m in my mid-20s with NO exposure to these communities.

I don’t know. Recently, I’ve been struggling with this crush but also the realization that I wasted my childhood dream of being a game dev, too. I am sorry if I sound all over the place but thank you for reading !!

No idea what to study or do with my life, I’m just working half time at fast food

I have a good head but got burned out and after going to a psych ward after graduation my mental health only declined

Would like to know what kind of job or study y’all have

What even is a good career this days??

Is it based to cut contact if you have strong feelings, so you don't compromise for just friendship?

I don't want to give away too much here, and I'm here just to vent or the smallest chance someone here has or is going through the same thing.

My soul feels crushed every time I open my phone, and see his face, or music attached to someone's post and It's nearly impossible to avoid elsewhere especially that he's the artist of the moment, to also see online that there are women talking about wanting to sleep with him, or get his attention really pissed me off especially at the beginning of the breakup, what is most hard, and I feel so terrible for doing this, is that I've got caught up in a new relationship. I can say I've moved on, but I don't even know if this is right for me. To be with an artist since he was even known as someone, to have known him before fan pages, or people tweeting his music. My new boyfriend is the complete opposite, I've not only lost my muse, but my new boyfriend isn't as power thirsty and ambitious that he were, and I don't know if it's what I need, or what is stopping me as I also have my goals and ambitions. I don't want to compare, and with this short thread you can automatically feel sorry and think I am shitty for being in a relationship with my new boyfriend, but I promise I love him a lot, but it's eating me up inside that I see my ex's face everywhere, knowing that I was supposed to be standing up with him, and he would support me from the side. It's like our chemistry was so good together, but being with a partner with the complete opposite interests, and no ambitions like this is just making me feel like I'm just like my mother who quit everything because of my dad, and I don't want to be held back from my own goals.

i literally cant maintain sexual attraction to men i am into romantically. its like a madonna whore complex for girls i h8 it so bad man. i can only love a man when i have a desire to protect him but i only feel arousal for a man when i want to ruin him :<< i only rly had sexual attraction to my most recent ex when we argued or when i was just mad at him

There don't seem to be many threads about eating disorders and I wanted to know if there were more nonas with similar experiences.
First of all I am going to clarify that I am not pro-ana, I wish I could eat normally but I have had anorexia since I left high school. During school my "friends" used to call me fat (actually at that time I was a little fat and I wore glasses and my face was childish) but it still hurts me, they also used to call me ugly and autistic for being shy. I used to skip gym classes a lot because I was afraid of receiving comments, one time I was running like everyone else but when I finished, one of them came up to me to tell me that I sweat like a pig.
Other times at lunchtime some boys made pig noises as they passed and looked at me.
I wish I could leave that behind, but even though I am underweight now, my intentions to continue losing weight increase along with the fact that I no longer look in the mirror often and I hate seeing myself in photos.

I have had difficulties in my childhood even until now because of my mental human condition. Everyone knows me me as the child who had insane periodic outbursts at periods and no one feels safe around me. I was always paranoid about my digital footprint, but people have archived some of them and people have found it. I used to say hateful or shocking things, and do them to "fit" in because I never had a community and these seemed like the only people willing to accept me. People have found these footprints.

I have nowhere to be. Rather, there is no place that needs me. Even if I change, there is still this person that I used to be that has undoubtedly affected other people negatively. Everything I've done has brought some sort of hardship.

It's not enough to just change and be a better person. I will die

A few months ago I was diagnosed with BPD. And more recently PTSD.

It's nice to have answers. For over a decade I thought the brain fog I felt was due to malnutrition or something, but apparently it's because of depersonalization. That's just one example of many things.

I don't know very much about BPD. Every time it comes up in conversation it's either in reference to someone's abusive ex or as an insult.

Of course I crave love and intimacy. I've never been in a relationship before. I've never even had anyone ask me out. I have a lot of very complicated, very mood-swing-ey feelings about that. I feel like I'm almost trying to find shitty things about the human race to make me hate being around people, so that it hurts less to be alone. I think it's working. Right now I'm in a state of mind where I feel fine being alone. I'd rather be alone than risk hurting the people I love.