my dear I miss you so much
It's been almost half a year since we last talked. Even longer since we were friends. I know you still like me. I can hear you start to talk louder when I'm around at school. During geography you avoided eye contact while bringing me my test but I could see you smiling. I was smiling to you too. You follow me every so often on spotify. Changed your bio to send me messages. You're so endearing, I wish you weren't so shy.
I know it is kind of my fault things ended but I couldn't keep waiting and only texting online. I want real contact. I think you understand that too. I was always planning efforts to talk to you, for example before exams. A shame you kept coming in late and had to sit in the front.
I miss your humor. You were so fun to talk to. Sometimes I read back our old, now ancient, conversations and find myself smiling. Somewhere I also think I might've took you for granted. I didn't see your spirit at the time. Now I see how sweet you were to me.
I wonder what I have to offer to you though? Looking back on our messages you were mostly carrying the conversations. I feel like I am too,, mentally ill. You are shy and have no experience while I've been in too many toxic relationships- though you don't know that yet. I'm afraid you might not be able to handle it, and support me right. I don't want to "infect" you either. Sometimes you skipped school after I did and it felt really shitty because I don't want to influence you like that. And what if you are just in love with the idea of me or the idea of having a girlfriend? Would you be okay not having sex? It is my greatest fear. I am too afraid to share all of my history with you- but that should be a part of having a partner.
I don't know. I also don't want myself to keep making excuses and not try anything due to my fear of abandonment and pushing people away. I mean, I'm not (yet) scared you'll leave me but more so, that we wouldn't work out and both end up very hurt. There's lots of "practical" reasons why we are "too" different to work but I still feel so strongly about you- that I wonder if I should just give it a shot.
I am planning on making more contact with you- just you wait. But you need to stop being shy. I hope that if you see I like you too- you have more courage to be direct.
When I can't sleep at night I think of you. I fantasize about us finally talking, going on a date. I want to hug and kiss yo
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