/feels/ - Advice & Venting

my boyfriend’s porn addiction is making me lose my mind. I first found out about it in early August but I keep finding out things he’s lying about. At first he framed it as just watching a random video then closing. Then, I found out he used to pay for OF while we were together. after this, I found out that he was doing this shit the entire time before I found out and he had a twitter account for OF egirls + bought an anime porn game. He first blamed his problem on our relationship issues before I found out he was doing it the whole time.
He said that what I sent him wasn’t “enough to look at” compared to porn despite him literally being overweight with a receding hairline (quickly apologized but still).

After I found out about the OF stuff, I started cheating on him online. I was a very popular cosplayer and used to make lots of money off of my looks, so it feels weird and makes me feel resentful because I feel like he doesn’t admire my looks like this. Flirting with girls/guys online feels like an escape from feeling like I’m ugly + feels like a gotcha. It makes me want to show off my body and for a while I even thought of doing gravure work when I move back to Japan. I feel horrible for doing this. I used to hate male attention, but I feel relief when a cute moid hits on me. it’s like a “atleast someone appreciates my looks”.

He’s been a great partner and has been treating me amazingly since but I still feel this way sometimes and I feel like a horrible person. What should I do? Am I a bad person?

i hate my life. being below average as a girl is torture. im technically fakecel bc i actually found a man who i like who is an older dilf and he lets me live with him so i get to have sleep in his bed and have sex sometimes so that's nice but has anyone else noticed how when youre below average as a girl people aren't as kind or respectful of you? its like stacys who know how to do makeup and have good genetics have a halo effect and everyone is gentle towards them and stuff but the man i live with he's kinda rough during sex and doesnt seem to care about my feelings much sometimes and then i have 1 friend (my only friend) who is considerably cuter than me and everyone always treats her like her feelings matter and will allow her to cut corners and stuff just to avoid hurting her feelings

I’m so frustrated and I feel so defeated because I just can’t make life interesting again. I can’t recall the days anymore and they all just fade into each other and time is speeding up so much because of it.

I’m 28 now but I feel old. I think of memories from just 2 years ago and I barely recognize myself in them. I used to be so adventurous and brave, and it felt like every day I’d have meaningful moments, even if they were just by myself.

Now my life is so dull and boring, it makes me want to claw my eyes out sometimes.

2 years ago I moved to the US on a hope and a prayer. I used my life savings to move on a visa and I had 4 months to find a job. It quickly became clear that I might not find one, and I’d have to go home and be broke and move back in with my parents and start over. But with an ego hit from failing in the US ontop of it. I wasn’t sure I had it in me to go through that humiliation and defeat, or even just how much energy it would all take to start over again back home - so I had it in the back of my head that I might just call it quits with life before then.

Because of this I lived each day like it was my last, I spent all my time on the streets day and night. I made so many good memories back then. I used to walk at night around, I remember sitting in the cold air by a pet cemetery at night just feeling so alive. Everything felt so real. I feel like I lived a whole lifetime in just those 4 months. But even before moving to the US my life felt so much more real.

Now everything just feels fake. I can’t escape the fake plasticness no matter what I do. Every person I meet is just sorta the same, I can make friends with them but its like they’re hardwired to never talk deep about anything. It drives me crazy and makes me feel something terribly alone. I got my wish in the end and got a job and stayed in the US, but its like some sick trick where my wish got granted but the catch was everything in life becomes hollow.

I seriously have no light in my eyes anymore. My heart just isn’t in it anymore. I force myself to go to things and talk to people, but everywhere I go I just stand there with my eyes on the ground like a statue. I feel like part of the decor rather than a human.

How can it feel so different in just 2 years? I just can’t feel anything anymore, I can’t even fantasise about a happy life for myself because I can’t even figure out what would make me happy.
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So I've had this "childhood friend" we met when we were 10 in school I'm exactly one month older than him we were born on the same day just different month, we grew up together then we drifted apart after COVID but I noticed that he has this weird obsession for me, from mutual friends we have they've told me and showed me videos and messages of him talking about how much he loves me and that he truly wants to be with me forever. I've known this since we were 14 no2 we are both 21. He has never dated and hasn't lost his virginity even though i have dated in the past and also already lost my virginity ( i haven't told him that im not a virgin but he is smart so he must KNOW right?) . So recently I've been talking to him and going on dates and I really like being with him but honestly he isn't my type I don't find him hot and honestly would never be able to be intimate with him, I could kiss him but I don't think I would feel anything, but I really like how he sees me and treats me. He truly love me, and shows it, he writes me letters, fixes things in my apartment, buys me dinner, etc. I know im leading him on but I'm sure he knows I don't love him back but i don't know if he cares. Am I bad person for using him?

What is dating like?

30 and never been asked on a date or had a BF.

What is being in a good relationship supposed to be like?

For me it always goes like this:

>They like it when I talk about them or try to share things that might be related to them or pique their interest
>Conversations don't flow naturally. It's just like a job interview where you have to try and care about their life, or talk about whatever they want to share, otherwise nothing happens
>They don't care about my life at all
>They only like it when I'm available for them
>They only like it when I am there for them
>They only like it when I am making an effort for them
>They don't want to know anything about me
>The don't care about how I feel
>They don't even want to hang out with me
>They talk about other women more than me, they just use me as a tool for complaining about their other women
>The compliments and "I love you" feel really insincere, forced and empty, like there's nothing there, just empty words probably copied and pasted
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I'm ugly. I'm overweight. I'm extremely socially anxious and autistic, which is why I haven't had a single friend in almost ten years. I lack hygiene, I'm incredibly insecure and feel the need to kill myself when I have to think of my pathetic existence. Nothing is fun to me because I cannot concentrate for the life of me. I have tried to change my life multiple times but I cannot stick with it. Instead, my body keeps being pulled in to bed and my fate is probably to rot here forever.
Only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I'm still young, only 20, so I am hoping for a miracle… Advice would be very appreciated. If there is any at this point.

holy cow the Ai spoke my thoghts !!

How do you get over body dysmorphia?

>Not feeling pretty enough
>Always feeling too thin or too fat
>Feeling invisible around men
>Trying not to say that looks are everything
>Comparing myself

Idk if I'm being stubborn about feeling this way but I genuinely don't want to have more than one sexual partner in my life. I already did it to someone I regret about doing with since we keep doing this rigamarole of breaking up and getting together. We're both young and in our twenties yeah and while I'm the slightly older one and should know better, I keep folding for him until this past week. We broke up again and I'm not even upset this time, but I'm still committed to my outlook because sex genuinely hasn't brought me much good in my life. I dealt with one miscarriage from our relationship and I just genuinely can't picture myself doing it again with another person.

My ex says I'll grow out of it but, he's not the one who dealt with losing a pregnancy or being a woman in a culture that values us based on our purity. We're both from a similar background so it's not like he isn't aware. Sometimes I regret putting it out for him, I wasn't forced by any means but if I could go back in time; I would've said no. I miss being a 'virgin' but what's done is done, I rather just not be intimate with a male ever again. Am I being too stubborn? Be brutally honest.