/feels/ - Advice & Venting

every day, i feel like i am hollow inside. abusive parents, bad childhood, you know the rest. i want someone to hold me and want to take care of me. i feel like theres some psychological need to have someone want to care for you above anything else. i think thats where we get our will to live. from someone else who feels so strongly about us growing and living well. i feel like i can barely function without someone to validate the effort im putting in, and i just cant do it for myself. i try to be my own mom a bit. when i talk to myself or in my thoughts, it's almost always "let's do this, we can do this, we can make it". like i'm a girl trying to encourage a girl, not just, one person alone. but i can't be my own dad. it's different.

it feels like every other girl dates some older guy to fill the hole. but i don't want to date my father. or father replacement. i want my boyfriend to be boyish and silly and immature and we grow together and learn together. i want my dad to be totally solid. a big rock. a storm shelter i can always run back to. i have nobody, and like, it feels like the world basically has no care for someone who needs a father but doesn't have one the moment i'm not a little kid anymore. so whore out for the luxury of being loved that way or just suck it up? i don't want to. i wish i could be close with a man who cares and wants to protect me and would hold me and encourage me but have no sexual tension, no questions or worries that things could be weird. but nobody would even believe me if i explained that. not that normal people accept the mentally ill clearly defining their desires anyway. i guess i just want to know if anyone feels this way too? am i crazy? are women who date older settling for the next best thing or are my "daddy issues" categorically different from that behavior? am i nuts?

i was looking at my bfs tablet gallery, and in the rubbish bin i saw a screenshot with a half naked woman and a qr code of an onlyfans link. now i know he would never use onlyfans (even if i didn't trust him, we're both broke and our country's currency is shit so subscribing to a platform using dollars would cost a lot) but it's still so disturbing to me. especially considering that the woman in question is a midget (sorry if this is an offensive term). i am also a very petite woman, but she is blond and resembles one of his ex and i do not. am i reading too much into this? why didn't he just jack off and move on instead of taking a screenshot? should i bring this up?

I am so extremely lonely. I am in a LDR and it is absolutely destroying me. We meet from time to time and have lot's of fun, but the periods in-between is chipping away at my soul, without exaggeration. Thoughts of just breaking up have popped up in my mind more and more these past few months, and the fact that my boyfriend's personality has significantly changed also adds onto that. And it hurts to see him wasting his life away playing games and whatever instead of pursuing higher education and doing something he likes. He'd have the smarts for it but has no motivation, and I have talked about this before with him but I know I can't change a person like that.
He is my first love and everything, and he's a very good person: someone special in the sea of shallow people, and I am torn. A logical part of me says I should end it because it bring me great pain and I can't continue a LDR any longer. I crave physical affection, but I will not be able to find anyone like him because I'm a loser. What should I do? Neither is a good choice.
I am sorry for the long post. I feel heartbroken. I can provide a bit more context if anyone wants to.

i'm a very anxious/nervous type person. i've been with my bf for about 2 years now and we only talk through messages on discord for the most part cause we live very far away from each other and I get way too scared to call. growing up, I pretty much avoided boys and so i really cant talk to him. we've tried a few times but I just cant. it makes me insanely scared and nervous. he sends me voice messages sometimes though and he sounds really really really cute and I tell him this all the time, how cute he is. problem is the other day I sent him a video of me talking about some random stuff and he was just called me cute a bit. I know this sounds stupid but i guess I was expecting him to be like "awww you sound so so so cute" and stuff but he seems like only mildly interested? I don't know. I don't think he said anything wrong but its just that I feel like I'm so in love with him and enamoured by him and I don't know if he feels the same and its making me depressed.

My grandma died recently and I miss her so much, I cry almost every day (I didn't as much the first two months after a panic attack on the day she died) but I think now that it's sinking in more and I realize I never will talk to her again while I'm alive it's gotten more and more difficult to cope. She was my best friend, a second mother. She took care of me when I was severely mentally ill, didn't judge me for not leaving the house, cooked for me, was patient and understanding, gave me my medication. I did bad things when I was younger and she never was unkind to me. She was such a loving and holy person. She had multiple jobs when she was young to support my mom and aunts, kept working to help everyone until she was in her 60s. She built a home room by room for her family, saving to buy bricks and construction material. She didn't even finish primary school and came from a poor, small town. She was the holiest person I have ever known and she died of cancer, although thankfully she didn't suffer much or ling from it and she died at home. I know she had a long, mostly happy life with her family, that she didn't regret anything and that she was ready to go, but I just can't stop missing her every day and it hurts too much. It's the first lent and holy week of my life I spend without her and it's making me so emotional. I wish I could see her again. No one will ever love me the way she did, I don't know how to deal with losing her.

Have you ever lost someone and felt similarly? No guilt, no regrets, just longing for the person that is no longer with you.

I wish I was rich enough to pursue an arts degree or something fun like that …imstead im stuck dojng physics while others have fun this fine Sunday..ughhh its all about money money I dont need your money money …cannot wait for med school and isolation of 10 years …better than poverty and disappointment ig

I know that makes me a bad person, but can't help but feel it. I have autism. I have suffered all kinds of humiliation for being one since I was a child. I can't imagine how they went unnoticed their whole lives, and I really think many just make it up for attention.
I can recognize that I may be speaking from resentment, lack of empathy or envy, but it's something I can't help but feel, as an intuition, and I've always had a wonderful intuition.
Just find it extremely uncomfortable that something that has cost me almost my life, for others is something to make jokes about and be popular, it doesn't sit right with me.

This isn't my picture, but it's the way I live.

Is pedophilia that common now? I've seen things saying it's being advocated more, and that pro pedophiles are becoming more prominent. Definitely a result of queer grooming imo. But we can discuss that after the fact of on what scale is it happening. I need numbers pls.