/feels/ - Advice & Venting

That's why you must take control. You must make your own group and become the leader.

>>116189
>I live in the UK so there are pretty much 0 nerd hobby related groups post uni unless you're into Warhammer, every activity I see for working adults is intense sports or things for parents with young kids.

Start one?

I'm in the same boat. I just moved to a new city in Australia. Every other woman I meet seems like a normal person with a huge friend group, big family, sporty etc.

But the thing is, I'd hate to be friends with any of them because they're all so boring. Their lives revolve around kids and social media. They all play netball… netball ffs!

Instead, I've been thinking a lot lately about the nature of loneliness, about if I'd actually be lonelier if I was one of these people who try so hard to fit in.

OP, what do you want out of female friendship? Is it a deep connection? How many of these people do you think genuinely have that? Support? Same deal, I doubt these people are that supportive of each other. If you just want someone to get drinks with after work, you'll find that easily. But it won't make you less lonely. I urge you to really think about what "emotional lack" friendship would address. Is there a way you can be that thing for yourself first and foremost?

I think we're all looking for this golden ideal of friendship which is seen as a common thing thanks to how it's pushed in media, but in reality, is exceedingly rare. Especially now, since our hobbies are all so atomised and niche.

You're doing okay, OP. You don't fit in, which is fine – it's a step above forcing yourself to fit in. You might find that rare golden friendship, or you might not. But don't beat yourself up for not finding a thing that barely exists in the world.

>>116189
I'm in the uk too anon.. I understand how you feel exactly. I recommend attending a con, and talking to someone alone cosplaying something you like, I made friends with a very sweet person that way. She isn't very active sadly, but I think I'll try this method in the future.

>>116059
It's obviously a moid.

>>116060
Cool, now I am a moid just because I don't cry over some deformed kitten. I was raised in countryside and worked on big farms, so killing sick and deformed animals isn't something bad to me. They are going to die anyway, so why not make it quick?
And yes, don't anthropomorphise animals. They don't grieve over lost offspring like humans do

>>116061
Most miners are unhinged internet creatures that never touched grass. Don't waste energy on them

>>116061
your shitass farm autism shouldn't conflict house pet, it's totally different a farm animal that one you see on your bed

>>116224
no, it literally is not.

Hello, arab nona here to offer some advice.

you can still be a normal arab girl. its not too late, but it would require deep introspection into the history of your way of life and why you were indoctrinated into becoming an ftm when it’s not something that would’ve crossed the minds of your unbroken chain of ancestors who got together and had children according to normal universal sex and gender that they were born with. in older days our female relatives would teach us how to “be women” but nowadays those roles have been minimised even in traditional arab households, and as a result we feel criticized and like less of women when we are held to the same standards of older femininity without having the same “training” so to speak. not to mention the constant bombardment with the fact of the east vs west culture war being fought over our choices and appearances by atheists and racists in the west and wahhabis and fanatics on the other side in the east. both in liberal and conservative sectors of arab society. the fanatics of western society wants us to be sluts and easy access hypersexual beings while the fanatics of eastern society don’t want us to have a face in public and it really feels overwhelming. arab and muslim women cant catch a break and it makes us feel confused and hurt and wanting to escape from all of the controversy over our identities.

not saying you chose to become this way but something about what you were exposed to during the course of your life made you this way and it’s your job to find out what it is and expose the ideology that it tricked into your brain.

being a woman is not disgusting or bad and its not bad to not fit in with a feminine ideal and it doesnt make you into a man. just because you think you fail at being a girl doesnt make you into a boy. Just because someone is bad at playing soccer it doesn’t make them a pro swimmer. They just need work and grow themselves in their respective sport.

If you don’t listen to anything else I say heed this warning. Being a failed woman won’t make you into a real man. if you suck at being a woman then you need to just work on being better at it. This is how some men who identify as trans women get indoctrinated, they think just because they didn’t succeed at living as a man they will automatically be a great woman and they are surprised when no one takes them to seriously be a woman.

Take a growth approach with a healthier mindsetPost too long. Click here to view the full text.

>>116178
I should also add, being a woman has nothing to do with your interests and hobbies. If you feel masculine because of that it’s because of brainworms that needed to be sorted out by speaking or communicating them out to someone in some way. It also helps to find other women with the same interests as well.

Transition is not an out, it is simply going further deeper into the swamp that made you like this.

Even if you are able to make people think you are a man, good luck ever finding a romantic partner because you only decreased the chances of that happening with transitioning.

>>116178
NTA, but I was a TIF for years before finally realizing what had indoctrinated me and detransing. Having someone tell me something like this would have saved me years of invasive surgery and wanting to kill myself. You're awesome.

Also, >>116168 : transitioning is not going to fix your problems, trust me. I had hormone blockers, T, top surgery, and a hysterectomy, and it only made me more and more depressed, I even had to be hospitalized. The mutilations would make me feel better for a few weeks or even months, because I wanted to be a man so bad, and thought it was making me closer to one. But it wasn't. You cannot become a man.

Once I finally stopped the hormones and let my natural estrogen take over, I became so much happier and healthier. I feel so much joy whenever someone refers to me as a female, because that's what I am. That's what you are. Accept it before it's too late.

Because even though I'm doing so much better now, I will need multiple surgeries to fix my flat chest and deep voice, and it's impossible for me to ever have kids. :/

>>116168
Are you stuck in the middle east? Genuinely curious. Where are you?

>>116182
what do you mean “stuck” lol. Some of us can’t immigrate because we wouldn’t survive the immigration process to the west. Not every Middle Eastern country is like Syria where we have to leave to survive.

And besides if the options are go to Europe where Arabs are cordoned off and perpetually treated as outsiders or America where I have to wait until I’m old and gray for a visa then
I’m good staying in the middle east with my family lmfao.

>>116111
its "dime a dozen" not "diamond dozen" lmao

If you call the corporate hr department about this they’ll hopefully fuck him over.

>>116121
Well it's a doggy dog world out there. When it gets down to brass stacks does it even really matter?

>>116107

Report, also talk with the older ladies and tell them you don't feel safe around your boss, if you're afraid to say is directly your boss, just say "I'm afraid of men… something happened to me a while ago so I was wondering if you can be around me so I can feel safe" excuse.

Touch an old woman's heart once and they'll protect you.

>>116130
lol

I don't want to jump to any conclusions but it might be telling you how many times you started a sentence with I and how completely inwardly self-reflective your post is. It's hard to remotely gauge whether or not you are boring or if your friends are lacking any interest you can grab on to.

Let's say you and I meet at some kind of mixer. A party where we maybe know some people but we absolutely don't know each other. Just the two of Us in close proximity and we're both a little bored. Would you strike up a conversation or would you wait for somebody to reach out to you?

And if you're going to be the one who reaches out how are you going to do it? Because when it comes to people who seem boring it's not so much what they have to say it's how they say it. It's the way they deliver stories, jokes, how they just kind of bring an energetic vibe that lifts the mood and engages people. It also doesn't help that many people find different things interesting and different things boring so changes from person to person. That's why kind of easy to be part of a group and keep up the energy because it's like a palpable vibe it's easy to work off of. One on one it takes a lot of work to reach out to somebody and really get in their space and let them get into your space.

This is a lot of rambling I don't know if it's any help so here's something a little more direct.


How often are you the one to initiate contact with a friend?

Do you often suggest venues or ways to hang out with friends?

Do you have any topics of interest that could lead to a stimulating conversation that other people might be willing to talk about?

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confession: I have trouble relating to
the vast majority of other women (and moids too, but different issue) because I think the topics that concern them are dumb/not important. They are not ambitious and mainly concern themselves with maintaining status within their own social circles. I see them as wasted potential

>>116086
Thanks Nona, you called the first half of the post rambling but you got your point across well. Also u were right on the money with the inward part, I get really stuck in my own head and am usually too afraid to reach out to others, and in one on ones I’m usually more stressed out worrying about what to talk about instead of talking. Your post gave me a really good starting point of what I really need to work on, I really appreciate it

Honestly I think other people finding you "boring" has less to do with you yourself, and more to do with how you are making the other person feel in conversation. In other words, I don't think you should focus on making yourself more interesting, but instead on entertaining the other person as you talk to them. I've talked to a lot of different people who on the surface aren't "boring" (they have many hobbies, experiences, are expressive, etc) but conversations with them are dull because of two things: they never share about themselves deeply, and they never show interest in me. If you mirror another person's emotions and show interest in something they care about, they will get excited and open up more. Most people are just biting at the chance to talk about themselves, and if you give them the opportunity to do so, they will lead the conversation for you. You just have to listen intently, give feedback and your opinion, and ask a couple questions about whatever they are talking about. It's important to share earnestly about yourself too, like telling a person why you enjoyed something, instead of just saying you liked it.

So I have never met you nona but in my opinion I think you shouldn't feel like you're boring or doing something wrong. The more comfortable you get opening up to others, the more easier it gets and the more your friends will appreciate you. If you need a quick fix though showing up to a meetup on drugs will make you a lot more interesting

idk what to say but in my experience a lot of my friends went to college without having a plan or idea on what they wanted to do and its one of those things where you just end up finding it along the way,, ik it prob isnt comforting to you but just know you arent alone in this so youll def make it

>>115512
I can't help but we are really similar anon

>>115512
Gap years are embarassing, and while it may make you feel really nervous, going to college will prolly offer you a lot more security than working a job. College tends to be a safer environment than a workplace

Unrelated but that sign says "stop killing children" in arabic

kek why doesn't your stupid mom get a job imagine telling your daughter to go to uni so you could get more welfare lol you should be careful or you'll get honor killed lol

>>116101
why would a gap year be embarrassing

>when did you start?
the summer after first grade which has been 18 years that I've been doing this

>why did you start?
I had lice that summer so I started doing it because I thought I would be able to see if I had lice but it became a nervous habit

>have you ever been able to find coping skills to not do it anymore?
not really honestly

>have there been any moments that people looked at you funny because of it?
yes, my 4th grade teacher made me wear ponytails every day and now I have headaches if I have my hair up for too long, in 5th grade my teacher made me flip my card for touching my head, at one point in middle school, I pulled so much that a pile of hair was on the floor

>have you ever had bald spots?
yes, in middle school it got so bad that my grandma made me wear hats when she took pictures of me

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>>113089
>when did you start?
When I was around 8/9
>why did you start?
Anxiety
>have you ever been able to find coping skills to not do it anymore?
I took escitalopram for years to help stop with it, and I was able to ween myself off it and not re-start the habit.
>have there been any moments that people looked at you funny because of it?
I had bald spots until I was about 20 so yes.
>have you ever had bald spots?
See above
>what's the longest you've gone without pulling?
I'm about 10 years clean now

> when did you start?
i think in 2017 or 2018?

> why did you start?
an eyebrow accidentally got tightly stuck in my nail and when i pulled it it was painful but kinda good. i pick my skin so picking my eyebrows was a similar fidgeting relief

>have you ever been able to find coping skills to not do it anymore?
honestly not really. but a few times when i had gotten my nails done i noticed i barely did it bc i was physically unable to

>have there been any moments that people looked at you funny because of it?
i wouldnt say my friends made fun of me but they pointed it out when they noticed. then i told them to keep poiting it out so i could stop bc i do it unconsciously

>have you ever had bald spots?
yeah lol but then i bought a black eye pencil and realized i could just cover the bald spot with it

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>>113089
>when did you start?
when I was 13-14
>why did you start?
combo of OCD and real bad rough patches when I was a kid
>have you ever been able to find coping skills to not do it anymore?
Yes. Almost a year ago my issues culminated into panic attacks, I thought I was having a heart attack on a daily basis. I took zoloft for a few months and picked up a book called Feeling Good (self help CBT) the apathy combined with the new coping mechanism pretty much stopped my pulling within the 2nd month.
>have there been any moments that people looked at you funny because of it?
Too many to count
>have you ever had bald spots?
My hairline resembled Mao Zedong's for years on end
>what's the longest you've gone without pulling?
eight months and counting.

>>116021
hey nona.

I want to say that i understand where you are coming from. I want to share you a bit of my own story and how im coping with it now.

my father took out a lot of his anger on me, he would hit me a lot when i was younger often for things that made 0 sense and for things that were small. As I got older he stopped but moved on to more mental and psychological yelling screaming hour long interrogations getting shit thrown at me etc theres a lot more i can say. Having all of this repeatedly happen and knowing it was wrong but having trouble making sense of all of the good things my dad were able to do at the same time made me constantly yearn and fantasize towards better things because I knew it was possible. I knew you could live a normal life with no fears and anxieties and in no way was this ok. So i yearned and yearned…

I met my bf 3 years ago, and after a year of dating i immediately moved in with him to a whole different state and I haven't spoken to my father since
being with my bf has been very helpful he has been very patient and understanding, but overall living "on my own" for the first time was awful. I was very depressed and my prior ruminations would start being paired with more CPTSD symptoms. Im still so new into living more independently away from it all, but it was so difficult going to uni and looking around and seeing everyone mind their own business while I am distressed and paranoid. I have only have only heard Soldiers talk about this feeling well but they talk about going back to normal society and the comradarie and the trials and terrors are gone are replaced with normal interactions. And sometimes they would seek out the same adrenaline war gives them. I sometimes feel like I miss being at home and being abused because it was the only way of living I knew. I learned how to work around it, what to expect, and silence was deadlier than anything. Being in Silence only makes me wait for what to come and my nervous system just feels stuck and not having something at explode at you feels like an itch not being scratched.

I have been in counseling via services my school provides, and I just feel a bit at a lost especially since my therapist feels at a lost for words at my own history. To her credit, she doesn't use CBT on me but tries to help me reach simple goals such as making the effortPost too long. Click here to view the full text.