/feels/ - Advice & Venting

I want to have a family, I have wanted it since forever. I met a moid who I loved but despite his radfem single mother upbringing, he turned out to be an abuser.

All I want is a family. I am straight not stupid. I know that I will never get a moid that acts like a woman, like a human but I will be equally miserable with less and with nothing.
>pic unrelated

Anyone else here schizoid?

:)

Hi, I haven't lurked here in ages. But I miss you and maybe you'll randomly read this without knowing this was for you. I don't want to directly bother you so I'm doing this on crystal cafe instead. We're all alive and doing as usual. S finished her degree, I'm still stuck doing my crap diploma at 21 and I'm way behind my batch, supposed to do my internship next month but my credits are worth less than 3 semesters. M's mental state, fluctuates like it always does but I heard her dad is gonna enroll her into a practical college nearby her home in the near future.

My parents are still crap people, I ended my 7 year friendship with that girl on November last year. Not sure if you recall her. Eh, her opinions were shit anyway. All talk but no spine, much less bite.

Actually I think I'm doing pretty bad. It wont get better. Not anytime soon. Still seeing the psychiatrists but at a different hospital this time. Too soon to say if it's worse or better than the one I've been going to for the past 5 years.

A recent revelation I had while journaling was that I probably have C-PTSD from how crap the world treated me and the fact that my autism was diagnosed way too late to avoid the abuse from the people I was surrounded by. So at least it's not Borderline Personality or plain Avoidant Personality. Not entirely a deviancy in my part. Just mistreatment from others my entire life.

Hope you're doing fine and you're healthy, where ever you are and whatever you're doing. If you want, my email is open for you, always. Hope you still have it written somewhere you can access.

The important things. Like, what am I supposed to do when I, as a married woman who loves her husband, am feeling extremely attracted to a male friend? I wanna suppress my feelings and act like everything is normal but it’s so hard, it’s literally physically painful. I‘m feeling physically sick. Maybe I should cut contact with him, but I know that would really hurt him and I really can not do that. What am I supposed to do? I’m despairing. I don’t know who to ask

… and idk what to do.
I realized it last time I visited. He had a surgery, I came to help. At the end of my stay he said I didn't help him at all. He constantly puts himself to position of a victim and feels superior at the same time. He enforces his authority all the time. He doesn't use/have empathy. He says weird things, often attacking me and others out of nowhere in the middle of normal conversation. He often talks only about himself, often pursues only his own interests. He manipulates and conditions his love (or at least behaving in a nicer way). He is incredibly arrogant, bumping to people on the street because he won't change his direction, He usually uses an argumentative/resentful tone of voice and even really despises everyone. Everyone but him is a jerk and should listen to him and do as he says and for us. He threatens everybody with God, saying they will be punished, often because they don't behave as he wants.

What is worst, he manipulates me to feel guilty. Therefore, it is hard to go no contact with him. How should I accept that it's okay not to talk to him anymore? Or how should I provide help to him for this disorder?

god damn it, im so in love with my old ass coworker. But he is like so perfect. I just wish he was exactly the same but like 20 years younger. That would be great. He is so sweet yet still like, manly, and he's so helpful and he has long hair… At first I thought he was a boring person but then I realised it was a fun boring. I'm so attracted to him it's insane. I think the best thing about him is… he is a perfect gentleman, I feel like I could confess to him and he'd reject me, and hopefully this insane crush can go away. Seriously he would. Honestly it's so bad I am thinking of moving jobs. I have been head over heels for like half a year now. What's annoying is he doesn't even look old.

We could have different looking characters for all films.So, where the movie starts I'm not looking at "George Clooney" the whole time.

That is not real yet but I wish it was. I don't care to find out weirdass facts about celebs anymore but do anyway.I don't mind preexisting gay actors, etc. I am cool with it.

inauthentic people give many the creeps. If they are straight up about who they are, many people do not mind and will admire them for being cool.

I am not fond of "femme" gays, because stop…but regular types people are fine.

I like Dracula Untold and would have watched a series of those films. The lead actor was gay playing a family man. I don't care.

Conversely, Allen Cummins, which is an ironic fucked up name, grosses me out. He always acts like some kind of fucking pervert orgasming in his pants. He reminds me of a pedo who would rape someone in their sleep.

Just a few random thoughts I wanted to share.

Why do I pull all nighters and avoid work in the morning. One more month and I'm going to an isolated religious institution and fix myself. I need to go somewhere far away where there is not even a single cell tower …any tower honestly.

as the title says, one of my friends texted me last friday, and decided that we couldn’t be friends anymore. he said that our friendship was “too intense” and he couldn’t handle it for his mental health. this came out of nowhere, and he hadn’t expressed discomfort any time in the past about our friendship and what we talked about. we’ve only known each other since november but we’ve gotten really close in that time, and tell each other about our mental health, personal, and family struggles. i’m not mad that he did this, if anything im glad he’s prioritizing his mental health. but, it just really fucking sucks that he just,,, decided we can’t be friends anymore. i don’t even know if this is permanent. from the way he spoke, i don’t think it is, but i have no clue when he’ll be stable enough for us to be friends again.

on one hand, he’s kind of right? like, our friendship was a bit mentally draining for the both of us. but on the other hand i really miss him. i miss talking to him from when i woke up to when i went to bed. i miss seeing funny videos and sending them to him. i miss talking to him about literally nothing and everything. i think it’s worse because he still like, looks at my ig stories. he doesn’t hate me, we just can’t be friends for the time being.