/feels/ - Advice & Venting

19 years old
I feel so ashamed every time I like someone and I have never had a boyfriend. I have never been asked out by a moid. I thought that once I entered later teenagehood, that these relationships would be thrown at me inevitably. However, the only people that have asked me out were other women and for the most part, none of them I wanted to be with. I have tried to make subtle advances on guys before even though I dislike doing it because I'm a freak with aspergers and can't handle myself well, but none of them have really reciprocated in a meaningful way.
There's a coworker I have at my job who is one year younger than me and I can't stop myself from thinking about him. He's not someone outstandingly unachievable and attractive, he's on the shorter side (under 5'10) but his face is so fucking beautiful, I can't even look at him unless we're talking. I hate myself so badly for liking him, yet I can't help myself from thinking about when the next time will be that I'll get to talk to him, when I'll get to see him, what he's doing.
I'd like to think I'm not super unattractive, maybe cripplingly average instead and perhaps it's just my lack of social skills that has done me in when it comes to relationships. I have received compliments from guys before (mostly older), have even been catcalled. I'm pretty underdeveloped for my age I guess, I'm shorter than average and underweight. I've been told I seem like I'm a very awkward person and hard to talk to before by a guy as well. I used to get made fun of a lot when I was younger but I think I grew out of a lot of the stuff I got made fun of for after puberty.
Despite that, I still don't have a boyfriend while all the other girls my age have boyfriends. I don't even have any irl friends as I was very truant in school and ended up being transferred to an online program (though that's another conversation), so I lost all the ones I did sort of have, yet I felt like they were always only friends with me out of pity. I always feel so terribly guilty and horrible every time I begin to like someone, like I've telepathically molested him just by having feelings for him. I can't ever shake this feeling of shame that makes me extremely depressed and I just end up convincing myself I don't stand a chance.
A lot of the time I tell myself that it's not worth it because it'll end up being more trouble than it's worth and that I'm too asocial and weird to be a good girlfriend to anyone. I always feePost too long. Click here to view the full text.

Why and what did you feel?

and if so how did they effect your wellbeing as a child and now?

I have so many intrusive thoughts and I can't get rid of them. I don't have money for a therapist and I don't have any friends to support me. And my boyfriend is tired of hearing me say I've made a mistake again. I just don't know what to do

I LOVE RAGEBAITING IS SO MUCH FUN LOL. its funnier when they actually fall from the bait and insult me back. I get my daily serotonin from dumb people that believe everything on the internet LOL

finance bros
there either no personality or super interesting adn genuinely smart
usually eye candy but im not that vain. There sexy loro piana coats turn me on.
im trying to dumb myself down to be more happy, i tried being all observant and smart and judigng people and i felt dissociative every night thats why i dont like visiting these websites like kiwi farms etc
i dont think its possible to keep your wittiness and be happy., honestly 1 dont know anyhting

also anyone else pet peeve when your trying to reasd a good 4chan thread and some edgelord posts gore and it stains your memory and you see it at night for months after in intrusive thoughts

I have exams in a few days and my parents were fighting like tards today. As soon as that is over one will come and fight with me. Cannot wait for college. Everytime they fight I start doom thinking that I will never be in a good marriage and I should stay alone. Why do they do this. My mother started it today. I think she likes to do it on purpose because she knows how much it hurts me.

maybe this post is stupid or redundant but I don't see this particular topic covered in much of the "pick me" discourse. I believe there is a subset of pick me girls who present in ways that don't immediately read as pick me, possibly even overtly touting feminist thought or social justice or being a "girl's girl" or the like that you can just subtly tell they're still looking for male validation, attention, possibly even go for taken men (might see this type of pick me in the "female best friend").

it's like sure they may not be tradwife Tate apologists or "im so one of the boys im le gamer gurl teehee" but there are subtle gestures or comments or you notice the content they like online or you see what they post and it just reeks of male gaze or male-centeredness. it's hard when you know they're aware enough of the pickme concept to not be overtly bitchy or competitive, but you just get this gut feeling they'd throw you under the bus anyway or try to steal your man to live out her "she wears high heels I wear sneakers" fantasy. it's the modern "cool girl" who doesn't know it's a death trap yet. the manic pixie who still thinks her magic is for attracting men. the indie/alt chick who only hangs around guys but never admits the real reason why. the artsy coworker who tries really hard to get your bfs attention outside of work. the "mom friend" who tells everyone about it, especially men she's just met. etc., etc.

so fucking pissed rn im shadowbanned from tiktok and completely banned from twitter, its for my own good at this point but apparently pointing out mens hypocrisy is gonna cause a ww3 guys, i didnt post a single thing inciting violence it was the most tamest stuff but its ok to have literal nazis on twitter tho thats completely fine. its so obvious every site is pushing for right leaning ideas now especially twitter i miss 2015 when every site wasnt soft af

We're all here because we're a bit weird in some way and struggle to connect to the outside world. How do you guys cope with it? I have pretty much numbed myself to the fact that other girls don't want to be my friends and even if they did I'd be lonely in my thoughts anyway being a freak and all. I don't want social advice, I just want to know how I can be more comfy going through this world alone mentally. I'm glad this site exists so I at least know there's some girls like me out there somewhere.