>how long have you been self harming? The first time I did it, I was about 17. I used the blade from a pencil sharpener and did my arm. It was just one or two cuts, they were small and not that bad. Some time later I did my upper arm and stomach, I think I was about 19 or 20, I can’t remember. I’ve never really done it consistently. Last time I did it was back in January of this year, which was “better” than the previous times since I did it “right” if that makes sense. The scars look deeper and definitely deliberate since I used an exacto knife that time.
>what made you start?Depression, hating myself, feeling a need to be punished for being a bad person or fucking up somehow. Shitty thing after shitty thing happening throughout my late teens, never getting therapy, and not having friends. There is also a small sense of control with it but that’s mostly with the eating thing. The eating thing also started out of feeling “ugly” and generally hating my body.
>what types of self harm? Cutting, disordered eating. Sometimes I bite myself if I’m nervous. I pick at the skin around my fingernails to the point that it bleeds, also out of a nervous habit or boredom. I’ve done that since I was about 8 or so. I also squeeze my throat and kind of try to choke myself if I feel a lump in my throat, I did it the other day to stop myself from crying and it worked but I also coughed afterwards.
>are you trying to quit?Sort of. I’ve been clean for about six months now. Last week was particularly bad since I kept thinking about slicing myself with a box cutter that I have. I didn’t do it, but I could almost feel the sensation. Last time I did it it felt really good, and the thought to do it again has been almost constant this past week. I’d rather relapse on the self harm than relapse on the disordered eating though.
>any effective alternatives/ways to minimize harm? Be lazy. Be too lazy to buy new razor blades and be too lazy to get up from your bed and actually do it. Look for any possible distraction. Talk to friends if you have them. If you don’t, talk to chatbots of your favorite fictional characters. Draw, listen to music, read smutty fanfics. Writing is also good. I like to write about characters or I just journal.
>why do you self harm?I fee
Post too long. Click here to view the full text.