I don't want to be a lesbian
Growing up I used to watch lot of half naked women, especially watch those American music songs despite not knowing any English. I watched over and over the parts which especiallu focused on women's butts and boobs. At 11 years old I discovered porn and soon it was lesbian porn only. At that time I didn't know what homosexuality is and didn't take it in that way.
Later in life I started to dream about family and having kids, but I never wanted guy to be in the picture or I imagined myself as the father. I have dated twice and the both have been internet relationships with a guy. I did love them as a person but that's it. I don't find men attractive at all, there are some good-looking men but they are good-looking only with clothing on. As soon thats away, I find the slighly repulsive.
I have tried to watch some neutral videos related to homosexuality, but I can't just accept it. Even semi normal ones from 70s and 80s where homosexuals tell their experiences around that time but I can't accept it. I feel sick, I feel like I am mentally ill and damaged for liking women this way.
I have tried to cure myself, change myself but I always come back to this. Women are too beautiful, attractive and sexy. I cannot stop lusting after women, if a woman outside walks past me and she is wearing reveling clothing I cannot look away. All my dreams include some kind of contanct with women. I even dreamed about going abroad to a lesbian bar.
But I don't want to be this way, I feel wrong, bad, damaged, not good. I feel terrible human for having these feelings. I feel like a bad person for wanting family without father figure, watching pornography for the whole purpose of seeing naked women. I feel like a coomer is watching girls. I don't want to live this way. I tried to seek God and looked into Christianity but my impure thoughts didn't go anywhere.
When I looked into Christianity, I found out about adelphoiesis and started to dream about that. I would really want to be in that kind of relationship with a beautiful woman. I feel sick of thinking like that. I wish I was normal, like everyone else.Everyone knew I was lesbian before I knew. They would insult that or other LGBT people would be with me and try to get to know because they thought I was one of them.
I am sorry if this was rude post for some people but I wanted to share my thoughts because you cannot Post too long. Click here to view the full text.