/feels/ - Advice & Venting

i went through my boyfriends phone and not only was it clean but i discovered something new in that iphone logs when you click on a photo in the gallery
i feel bad for not trusting him now…..

This thread is for people who have hit rock bottom. Not people who are having a bad day, but people who are living in the depths of despair. Whether you're a nona who is struggling with serious addiction, mental or physical illness that severely precludes your life, constantly feeling suicidal, whether you're being abused, have any other serious life issues or if you are simply unable to function and don't know where else to turn, vent here and let's try to support each other.

I feel like I’m rotting inside myself. I feel like every thought I have is wrong, disgusting, embarrassing, but it’s still what I feel and I’m tired of pretending it isn’t. I hate the way I am, but I also can’t stop being this way. I feel so fundamentally broken that I don’t even know where the real me is supposed to be underneath all this mess. It’s like I’m trapped in a mind that keeps malfunctioning and the worst part is, some part of me truly believes my reactions make sense even when everyone tells me they don’t.

I hate pretty women. I hate them even though I know that makes me sound bitter and pathetic. I hate that their existence feels like a direct attack on mine. I hate that beauty seems to be the one thing that determines who gets loved easily and who has to beg for scraps. I hate myself for caring about it. I hate myself for watching the world revolve around looks and wishing I had something worth orbiting.

I hate that I’m not beautiful. I hate that I’m not even average. I hate that I look in the mirror and feel this immediate drop. Like my face is proof that I’ll never be wanted the way I want to be. I hate my body. I hate even existing physically. I feel like if I weren’t this ugly, my mind wouldn’t torture me like this. I know it’s irrational but I can’t shake it. Nothing helps. Not therapy, not logic, not comparison. Nothing.

I hate the way men look at women. I hate how casual they are about it. I hate how normal it is. I hate that it hurts me so deeply I can barely breathe sometimes. I hate how I feel invisible and sick and replaceable the second I realize I’m not the only one they find attractive. Or even find attractive at all. I hate that this is just how they are and I’m expected to be okay with it, to swallow it, to get over it, to not make a scene. But I can’t. It feels like a knife to my heart every time.

And then there’s this humiliating contradiction inside me.. I hate men, but I still want them. I hate the way they treat women, but I still crave their attention. I hate their entitlement, their blunt desire, their wandering eyes. And yet I still want to be the one they look at, the one they crave, the one they can’t get enough of. I feel like an incel, genuinely. Like some delusional, bitter creature screaming into the void about desire and validation and beauty, knowing exactly how pathetic it sounds but unable to stop.

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he sent me this video and asked if she's a legit femcel or not. stupid larping girl.i just know he thinks she's cute. i know he wants her over me. she's the perfect egirl femcel idea. cutie patootie girl with cutesy interests and quirky autistic way of talking.

meanwhile i dont look a thing like her and im fat with a manly voice. i hope i fucking die. i know he wants her and would prefer her over me. i hate him.

I started dating my TA in university right after I got my mental health in line. However, the more he used me to translate his stupid papers into English, and the less attention he gave me, I spiraled more and more. We broke up after the rumors of us being together started spreading. I ended up homeless and failing a year because I couldn't handle the breakup. Moreover, I was pregnant with his child at one point as well. A couple of days ago, I took him for sushi (his demand) for my birthday and that douchebag started flirting with another girl right after we were done. I attempted to kill myself the same night and he did nothing to stop me from doing so. The thing is,I can't concentrate on my studies because I associate my field of study with him now, and I'm so codependent on him. So I plan on giving him an ultimatum-either we get back together or I will jump off the 5th floor of our university building after I type out a mail to all the journals he published the works I translated for him in exposing how I had been used and uncredited, as well as after I write a suicide note exposing our toxic relationship and power disbalance, playing a victim, making 100 copies and placing them all over the uni before I kill myself. Will the plan work? If it doesn't, will my suicide at least cause him to get kicked out of the uni and to lose all possible job opportunities?

i can’t get my ex to leave me alone. he messages me every day. sometimes angry messages. sometimes messages saying he’s misunderstood. he abused me the entire relationship so i don’t know what he wants. he certainly hasn’t apologized. he seems to go back and forth between trying to degrade me and trying to persuade me to come back. i don’t know if this is romantic or sexual for him. it’s been years.

And I'm pretty happy with my virginity. Sex is humiliating for women and I am psychologically not like ummm predisposed to withstand the deep submission it requires from a woman. I get symptoms of terror at the thought of being fucked. Anyone else?

We had a work social today, and the goal was simply to relax and connect with people. Still, it left me with the familiar feeling that my presence somehow makes things more awkward rather than better. Being one of only a handful of women in my IT internship and classes seems to amplify that insecurity. The other women appear confident, approachable, and well-liked, even when they’re shy or socially awkward themselves, and they don’t seem to struggle in the same way.

I can’t help wondering what I’m missing or doing incorrectly. I know I’m not conventionally attractive, and while I try not to dwell on that, it’s hard not to feel as though it puts me at a disadvantage. I’m not seeking romance or attention. Just genuine, low-pressure friendships.

I make an effort to reach out, especially to my female coworkers, but plans rarely materialize on their end, even though they seem close with each other. I’m respectful and well-meaning, even if I come across as a little odd at times. Despite that, it often feels like I’m standing just outside of a group I’m trying to be part of.

I suffer because I'm a conflict prone embarrassing bitch, but also, I feel like it sets me free. Life has no meaning without adversity. It just ends up feeling like constant following rules without any real goal in sight.

I'm actually a bit confused as to why I feel this way, maybe I have a personality disorder. It's an internal conflict: conflicts are tactically bad, yet they are not. Social failure is a loss, yet it isn't (like it's data or smth).
It's like I have to close my eyes on the bad consequences to get the good ones.

Any aesthetic images for this /feel/?

I'm about to reject the last guy I'll ever have a chance with. I want a relationship but i feel scared to commit or something. I have past trauma from moids and am about to start EMDR therapy for this.

I don't think I would dare to share the trauma with him (too much shame;_; for now) but communication and trust is fundamental for any relationship.. and since I'm going through therapy for it I can't really not say anything.

But he has never had a relationship before, I don't think he's experienced to talk emotionally about this sort of stuff honestly… I think I'm scared he'll disappoint me when I'm choosing to let my guard down during this particular difficult time.

It's just; I don't want to have sex; but have had past experiences, while he hasn't had any experience; so then I take that away from him. And I'm suicidal and don't know if I'm gonna be alive in a year tbh … So it kinda feels like im tricking him or something because he doesn't know how messed up I am.

At the same time I do like him a lot, he's funny, super easy to talk to (I just don't know if also on a deeper level,,), can cook, is pretty active with hobbies; though doesn't seem to have any career/life goals.. We have been friends for a year btw, but very on and off…

And I pushed him away many times (:/) but he has continued to reach out to me… but one reason why I stopped talking to him is that he is too scared to talk to me irl, and never confessed his feelings. I just want clarity. I know he likes me but I want him to say it. Communication is important…

But if it's not him then I don't think I will be pursuing any more romantic connections with moids at all in the future. …

Anyways, he reached out to me after some time. Nonas do you have advice? should I pass on him or no…. or is there any advice on how to deal with this because it feels like im sabotaging myself if i say no but I know it's for the best. And how can I forget him…….
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