I feel so hopeless about how pretty much all of my friendships and relationships devolve into them berating me, insulting me, ignoring me, constantly cutting me off, leaving me out of things, feeling that hanging out with me is a chore and gossipping about me. I don't know if I have a target painted on my back or I'm just that fucking irritating to be around. It feels like no matter how much I try to build up, I only end up losing. I find one friend, we spend an enjoyable time together, I find another one, yay, now I have two friends!! and suddenly the first friend starts slowly phasing me out of their life. Maybe they were only hanging out with me out of pity?
The latest one was a person that I've known for 5 years. To be fair, he's also my ex, but I was under the impression that we've resolved all that circus and could genuinely continue hanging out after a year of pause. I know it sounds pathetic, but he's the only person who's ever gotten to know the real me, the only person I ever felt could understand me, the only person that I've truly felt joy hanging out with. But I guess even that has come to an end, because starting a few months back, all these things that he used to like about me, and other small things that imo don't even matter have started getting on his nerves to the point of publicly freaking out on me, with passers-by and the entire coffee shop clientele listening.
The reason: I moved out of the way of some people who were filming in public and seemed bothered by us in the frame. I lightly urged him to come closer to me, and he blew up saying that I'm embarrassed of him, that I'm an abusive bitch, that he hates my mode of existence, hates how pointlessly self-aware I am of other people's eyes on me and how fucking pathetic that is (nevermind that at the beginning of the relationship we bonded over our shared experience of social anxiety), that I'm wasting his time, that I just want to argue etc. Once again, in public. And yet he has friends, and I don't. Female friends, who have completely frozen me out of their group, but he's fine. And all that after indulging me with talks about "how he's realized that he actually hates women" and all that tirade on people with mental illnesses or whatever the fuck. But the slimey fuck would never say it to their faces, and they would never believe my hysterical, crazy ass, right? 100% of all of our mutual female acquintances (and I was the one to introduce every.
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