/feels/ - Advice & Venting

>>116511
I know but how can i believe that if my whole life, only one guy ever thought those things

>>116510
nta, but absolutely dodged a bullet. men who verbalize that are narcissists who use women as "mothers"

>>116513
There are a lot things that can result in improving your self-esteem: becoming good at things (job, sport, hobby), working out, fashion, doing good aroubd you (volunteering, local politics), learning stuff, therapy, cultivating friend groups. Of course, it's a long process, and I'm only starting myself, but we can get there!

>>116514
it didn't feel like a red flag but I am retarded so i hope you're right
>>116515
I had and have hobbies i did and do before i ever met him. but i'm not particularly good at them lol. I guess I have to jus tbe content with them bringing me joy

>>116362
I keep missing him. Logically I know I’m missing something we barely had but I miss him. It was easier to have just been alone and never known what I was missing without a relationship
Stay single girlies don’t ever talk to a man

>>116231
Wtf, this sounds like a horrible basis for a "relationship".
The two of you aren't equals, he's a (smalltime) celebrity and you're just one of his fans. Worse, you're one of his groupies. He used you for cheap place to stay and warm body to bang while he was visiting a foreign country. You honestly think he hasn't probably done this to girls in all kinds of other countries before?

He didn't even actually say he wanted to date you, just that he would only have a serious relationship with a girl that spoke German. Can't believe all the replies so far to this thread are just nonas going "uwu wow he basically proposed to you here's exactly how you can start learning his language and getting prepared to marry him and move to Germany and spend the rest of your life together". He probably only mentioned the part about learning German to dissuade you from thinking you had any kind of actual shot with him because he figured you'd never go through that much effort.

>>116231
I'm gonna be blunt with you since I'm German. is the fact that as his gf you would likely end up in his videos part of the motivation to be with him? be honest. if the answer is yes or even maybe, that's a huge red flag. no relationship can be built on clout chasing. the thrill of becoming part of his "e-celeb life" would only last a few months at most and then what? you're stuck in germany with no social circle if you break up?
I'm probing in this direction because of how much you said about his JOB and how little you described him as a person. dreamy? so he's handsome. do you know anything about his personality?

>>116235
>For marriage you need an A1 certificate
lots of german guys have wives who don't speak a word of german. off the top of my head I can think of two women from the philipines and one from france who to this day barely speak the language (to varying degrees). they definitely didn't have the ability to pass any kind of certificate when they entered the country, no shot. this requirement can't be real.

I don't believe the german thing is a serious requirement. neither from him nor from anyone else. OP could easily get away with just telling him she is trying to learn german and making some attempts and that would be enough. the language thing really should not be the obstacle here.

Realistically if you end up in a serious relation, there's a good chance you'd be the one to move to Germany because between your two countries, his has the higher living standards. You'll want to speak German if that happens.

Anyway wouldn't you want to be able to speak with his friends and family in German? Or did you immediately assume that he and everyone else around him always burden themselves with speaking English to you because they conveniently happen to speak your language relatively well?

I think it's a pretty normal step if you're taking your relationship to a more serious place. Language is one of those things that's a major problem for healthy relationships, and two people only being mutually intelligible one way can cause feelings of not being understood or inadequancy, depending on who understands what. My English was already passable when we met, but when my boyfriend would talk about certain topics, I was completely lost and he couldn't understand a word from me in moments when I forgot English or things my friends/family would say. We knew we wanted to start a family one day, which meant we had to REALLY get to know each other, instead of just our best guess based on our understanding of each other. We started teaching each other our languages every day and correcting each other to teach the little things that most language services don't really cover. Once he was at the level of a school child, we started writing each other short essays, which we'd edit and improve on. I'd send him something about politics and he'd add words/concepts for me to learn, while he'd write about what he did that day and what he planned to do tomorrow, so that I could make his grammar sound more natural. In the end the relationship didn't work out (it might work out very soon though) and moving to be with him was the obvious choice, so it wasn't really necessary, but being able to talk to his family at a higher level made them more comfortable with me and him being able to have an actual conversation with mine eliminated a lot of uncertainty and hesitant feelings. I still had to message him and ask for the term "mutually intelligible", but you get the idea.

>>116235
>>116233
Thanks. I am good with languages. My goal right now is to study for a C1 certificate, so I can get a job in Germany and I am not reliant on marriage or just winging it.

>>116236
I can understand that you think it might be sus, but you only read a short summary of what happened. He was respectful and honest with me. We both greed a long-distance relationship would suck, because we both have experience with it and we didn't want to do that again. He is going to visit America again before December and we are going to see what happens then. Until then we both are just going to live our lives like before.

>>116346
No, he isn't that kind of e-celeb. He isn't known on youtube or twitch, just on instagram and he mostly uses it to connect with other people, who share his hobby, not to make a living.

>I'm probing in this direction because of how much you said about his JOB and how little you described him as a person. dreamy? so he's handsome. do you know anything about his personality?
He's honest and respectful. He is well-spoken. He reads a lot of literature. He likes art. We went to a museum together and he was very passionate about certain artists, some of whom he also didn't like. In fact he ranted about Picasso. lol
He has an interesting way of looking at the world. He is generally serious and introverted, but he can also tell funny jokes.

>>116467
>>116456
Also going back to your original question:

As you get older relationships with other people become rarer and because of that the few close friends you have become precious this along with your family and partner are a big part on keeping your life balanced emotionally.

Some if not most people would see not being able to have committed relationships as a sign of being untrustworthy or that you bring drama to their lives, even if you are upfront about it. Like you described before a guy thought "maybe I can change her" because his expectation was different and ended in disappointment. What I'm trying to say is that this behavior might drive some people away specially since consistency and commitment are valued a lot by people as they get older and have established lives.


Hope this helps

>>116469
Sorry to be a contrarian but where do you get this information? There seems to be the lives of normies you describe and then there's the people who are more or less in my boat, and we're just seperate species that need to avoid each other. I have friends who have affairs with old men so I know the dating market isn't as abysmal in older age as people want you to believe.
I guess I'm trying to get a realistic view of what the uncommitted life looks like from someone who's seen it. Keeping women married and tied to men is the end game of the patriarchy to me. It's completely uninteresting.

I don't have any psychological issues either. Everything is down to personal preference and my reasoning for everything is pretty logically sound.

>>116479
>where do you get this information
she made it up.

>what happens to people who choose to live this way forever? Does finding partners get significantly harder after a certain age?
I don't think finding a partner becomes harder nescessarily, but quality partners may become more scarce depending on your achievements and how you take care of yourself. I don't think there's anything wrong deciding to stay uncommited for life, it's becoming more and more common, but you should be smart about it and think about the long term and what you want to for your future. This goes for when you are in a relationship too, but some goals may be less achievable when you are only one person. Getting quality dick up until your 40s and 50s (which seems to be your main worry kek) is easier if you have your life in order. Having a job you can live with, owning your own place, saving up for a retirement etc. are things worth thinking about.

>>116521
Good answer. I'm pretty much as stable as someone my age can be and I'm only getting more successful. If I play my cards right I'll be a rich auntie in no time.

>>116478
I have a shit attention span too. Used to love books but it's hard now. I found a workaround for it: if I want to actually read a book I will find an audiobook of it and listen to it at the same time as I read. I read faster than they narrate so eventually I get annoyed by the audiobook and just read the book by itself. Nothing wrong with just listening to an audiobook though, like to listen to them while I drive.

Yeah, me. Now that I've quit my job, I do nothing but browse the internet and refresh the same five websites 100 times per day. It's hard to finish tv shows and video games because I keep coming back to the internet after ten minutes.

What is your reason for your lack of attention span?

>>116476 >>116500
Get rid of your phone (or buy a flip phone which will limit you to calling/minimal texting) delete social media. If there's anything else, do whatever you need to to make sure websites you're obsessed with are unusable for you, like download a program to block them on your devices. There's only so much you can possibly read/write on anon forums like this. Eventually you will get bored and direct your attention to things you actually want to do like books or whatever you've got laying around. I did this recently and actually started drawing, something I've always wanted to but never had the motivation to do before. So I'm excited to share this information. I never realized how toxic social media is until I got rid of it for a little while. For me I have a lot of anxiety so I think the scrolling on reels provides a small amount of comfort but in the end makes going without it worse than before, a similar effect to cigarettes.

Btw nonnettes you say you have no interests, but you do if you have something you want to read or watch or play. You just need to adjust your lifestyle. Good luck!

>>116476
i used to have this really bad where i effectively had no hobbies or recreation at all, and did not enjoy doing anything and never got anything done. these days i still don't enjoy anything that much but i still get it done so that's better than before. what i do is i read for 15 minutes with music, then stop and do something else for at least 30 minutes. can be literally anything, usually i exercise, do chores, or practice something. then i come back for another 15 until i get an hour a day. i just finished picrel which was a 1,500 page book so i can verify this works. you have to embrace your lack of attention span, not fight it i think.

Do you have no interests or are you so addicted to screens that there's no room to pursue existing interests or explore new ones?

No shame btw, phone addiction is common for a reason. You can definitely work on it but it's not easy.

>>110549
I wish there was a book discussion club or something in my area because women read more than men, but nope, nothing. Historically we actually had these spaces, but thanks to technology it's nearly completely gone.

This pathetic new generation of people is too scared to even go outside. It's really a disgrace. I hate Discord and texting. I love in-person interaction. I also like phone calls, but for some reason that's out of style too.

There are so many moids who bitch and whine about being lonely while deliberately choosing to stay isolated at home 24/7. You have to give them credit though, at least some moids actually go to those shitty Yugioh clubs full of smelly losers to socialize and make new friends.

Unfortunately, young women choose to self-isolate even MORE than men which means practically any space you go to is going to be 95% male and 40+ married women which usually guarantees it's going to be shit or mediocre at best.

When I actually do meet people my age (mid-20s), it's even worse. It's like everyone from Gen Z is constantly on the verge of a mental breakdown. Always talking about "prioritizing" their mental health, yet they manage their mental health worse than any other generation. They are so socially incompetent, close-minded and afraid of anything new unless it's some form of narcotic. I can't stand having to deal with these people. Millennials and even Boomers are on average way more fun to hang out with. It's clear to me, most of Gen Z wants to be ALONE. It is what it is.

I'm considering moving to Latin America or somewhere with low-prices and an extroverted culture. I'm sick of spending so much money just to live next to these depressed weirdos. I doubt I'd be dating much abroad since I'm very dark and unattractive, but I don't care. It's not like any decent man is going to respect me up here either. I'd just love to relax somewhere fun where my salary's actually worth a damn and eat delicious food without having to think about the bills.

>>113781
I disagree with the notion that a place populated by 40+ women is automatically shit. I actually love socialising with them and prefer it, they are so much more lax an natural. Trying to talk to young women always feels like they have a stick up their ass. Admittedly I am not much better. I wish I was an old lady already

>>116483
This, I wish people would stop believing in the catty middle aged Karen meme. I am in my late 20s and have some friends who are women in their 40s due to a hobby group we are in. They're very, very lovely, beautiful and smart women with so much wisdom. I hope to be like them one day. I also have friends in their early 20s and they're also very nice. It's good to have friends of all ages and good friends will be good friends no matter how old they are. I'll never befriend a man though.

>>116496
the Karen meme is aimed squarely at Boomers and the Gen-X women that followed closely behind. in the consumerist culture they built and decorated, demanding to speak to the manager is an acceptable way to seek resolution to service problems.

most millennials seem to overcompensate in the other direction, and signal as strongly as possible that they're not like their aunts/mothers (or maybe that's just what I see around me)

>>110537
this. men have big social circles because if you notice, theyre often a lot more open to other men and friendships. guy friend circles are really diverse with nerdy virgins, extroverted hot guys, and anyone else. talking to women as a woman is literally impossibly they just give you that stupid fucking blank awkward smile and try to disengage as much as possible if youre not a carbon copy of whatever theyre herd is. its impossible to make friends as a woman if you act like yourself and have interests that arent the norm. then guys are open and friendly with you and try to fuck you. its impossible to have genuine friends.

same, i think will just kill myself tbh. i could die any day, it’s just fuck around, enjoy shit i love, acquire esoteric knowledge, and die for me i’m afraid. they can’t take away my happiness, i don’t care if it’s childish

>and writing about them and applying them and the process of researching

become a lawyer it's literally just that nonstop

>I genuinely think it's all downhill after I graduate
Yeah, it is. Do you think everyone around you loves their job and you're the exception? For most people their job is a means to an end, making a living of the thing you're deeply passionate about is reserved for only the lucky few unfortunately.

I see no point in anything. I wanna just lay in bed until I die, but that never happens, I always get up again eventually. But I have no will to do anything left in me

>>116267
you could just…. go into academia if you really want to tho. lol

I'm 27 and yeah I feel you. Got a stupid useless major, working a dead end job, no money etc. But honestly I've been feeling better since I realized all these fucking milestones and goalposts imposed on us are completely arbitrary. I'm depressed (and honestly anyone who feels this way is) and I would still feel like shit if I had achievements or whatever. Simply because I was dealt this brain chemistry. And since I didn't off myself at 16 like I was going to, and don't really have the motivation anymore… I can just take it one day at a time, I only have one life and it belongs to me and no one else so I should do things that make me happy for as long as I can, and then whatever. Like, I'm not getting rich or achieving shit anyways, might as well enjoy the ride a little bit then. You don't NEED to do anything in your life, you don't need to find a place - you have one, it's right there where you are. It's yours, no one can take it away from you while you're alive. Get some silly hobby that you enjoy, it doesn't have to be creative or monetizable, it can be just a piece of media, it can be any form of escapism, it doesn't matter, just anything that makes you feel good in the moment. You don't need to prove anything to anyone, literally, fuck anyone who thinks or says that you do. It's okay to just do the bare minimum just to get some enjoyment out of your days. And you will feel younger living like that too tbh

>>116327
Thanks nona I needed to hear this

I feel like a failure and fool because I started my degrees and dropped out at the end of the semester both times and now I’m working dead end job and living in a crappy apartment where everything’s falling apart and I’m too shy and depressed to ask my landlord to fix it. I’ll try to hang in there as long as I can until it absolutely needs fixing

My agoraphobia prevents me from achieving a happy lifestyle others deem worthy but I’m content living in my shithole apartment and playing video games all day , I feel fulfilled making YouTube videos and twitch streaming and am hoping I can make some money on the side and maybe blow up and go viral and make it my full time job so I can stop going to my depressing real “essential” job

>>115701
ive never really felt this. sometimes people run out of steam and thats normal. but i think whats important is remaining authentic to your beliefs and feelings.
>>116327
you can always make your own goals. arbitrary goals feel wrong inherently

I dont feel old per say, what I feel is that my world of opportunities is actually shrinking now. I can no longer ask for my parents to sponsor any bullshit and I myself are stuck working gigs barely making it. I the fact that I no longer have opportunities makes me scared I may never make it for family building, since I want a child but clearly there is no stable ground for it and no way to improve that stability either. I wasted my youth on two useless meme degrees, and never had fun while doing so either. I am truly stuck for the first time in my life with no prospects and it is horrifying. From now on I will only ever lose.

I'm in my late 20s and feel like I wasted my chance to pursue my dreams. Logically I know "it's never too late! Start today!!" but my dream is something that requires consistent dedicated work, stuff i should have been doing while I was a neet instead of being depressed all the time. Now that I have a 9-5 that I need to support myself it feels like i can't catch up no matter how hard i try, so why even bother. Also due to the depression and general inactivity i feel like I'm aging badly, another thing I lament over and regret

Allegedly, yeah. There’s always exceptions to the rule though, some people genuinely don’t like talking about themselves.

Yes, but I don't think it's always out of conceitedness. Everyone wants to be seen and understood and relate to others. Talking about yourself is part of that.

Definitely. I know I do, unconsciously I do it in conversations and have a hard time stopping.
I-it's how I relate to others!!
I'm trying to listen more, people are drawn to people that make them feel important so I'll just have to suck it up.

Yes, but it works out for me because I hate talking about myself. It is much easier to ask people questions and find things to talk about based on what they bring up.

>>116204
Relationships are not this grand thing. There will probably be a honeymoon period, but after that it's just having someone you can stand taking up the same space. I guess it's nice knowing you're not alone at least.

> you're most likely gonna be treated like shit or an object or both.
A shoject?

>>116204
>average guys don't even want to cuddle anymore and just laugh at you for suggesting as much
they what? this is so oddly specific and strange. who told you this?

>>116220
ntayrt but how tall is he??

>>116347
right? I don't really believe in mens' ability to love but that is out of touch with reality. Most men are desperate for physical non-sexual touch.

>>115599
never make that mistake again, anon. he will never get better.

>>115599

The sad thing is that you are almost as inaccessible to help and good advice as your husband is. Either you are a troll or your codependency is so severe that it is almost schizo-tier

>>116246
>The sad thing is that you are almost as inaccessible to help and good advice as your husband is.
Couldn't have said it any better myself.

If this is real, what I doubt, it’s true what someone said at the very start. Nona is getting something out of being abused in some way and her now husband must have realized this by now too. He knows that he can do whatever he wants to her and that she is easily manipulated. It’s only going to further escalate until one of them snaps and kills the other. Is this really how you want it to end, nona? This is what’s going to happen, if you don’t manage to leave for good.

>>116342
I agree with this.
These 2 threads have been so infuriating to read. Besides all your other issues, I still don’t know how you can even stay with him. Are you even attracted to him anymore? He’s the antithesis of a good man. He’s not a leader, not a provider, would be an awful father, an awful deadbeat alcoholic and not only that but he has the nerve to be a misogynist? Also I hope you know his anti immigration stance pertains to you too. At the end of the day, you’re not Japanese and it sounds like he sees you as a second class citizen despite his codependency. How old is he anyway? To be a grown adult and not even have a job is beyond pathetic, and I don’t even know how you can stand to even witness that. Sounds like he’s just a loser who can’t let go of his successful past, with being a host and whatnot and he just resents it. But at least he’s managed to manipulate one idiot woman and that’s you, OP. Wake the fuck up.