i feel like i'm barely alive, and i don't know what my problem is. i have a lot of issues with focus and motivation. i was diagnosed with adhd when i was 13, and i've tried many medications for it up through university, but none helped. i have trouble with basic hygiene and taking care of myself. when i google stuff related to "cant brush my teeth every day" kek everything that pops up is about depressed people who struggle with feeling worthy and deserving of caring for themselves. i don't hate myself, and i really want to be clean and look nice. i just don't do it.
i see some bipolar traits in myself. my father has bipolar type two. my grandfather is schizophrenic, and i am terrified of developing this. i do swing between extreme optimism and extreme despair. i oscillate between extended periods of insomnia and sleeping for 20 hours a day. when i am in this despair mood, i lose my personality and i am incapable of reacting to things. my mind becomes blank and i do not understand what to say in basic conversation, because i cannot think of any response at all. my insight is always severely impaired in both states of despair and optimism. i do not have any clarity of thought. my thoughts are either chaotic gibberish word vomit that happen too fast for me to even understand, or my thoughts are so slow that my internal monologue vanishes and i am not able to put any words together at all.
right now i am on day 3 of this high-energy insomnia thing i try hard over and over to fix my sleep schedule, but i don't wake up when i set an alarm. i really want to set a regular bed time, but then when it comes time for me to go to bed, i can't sleep/don't want to sleep and i dread it because i know i will not wake up until the next evening. and i hate sleeping during tne day. makes me feel sadder and weirder. last week i somehow felt tired at 9 pm, and i was so proud of myself. i went to bed at 9! but then i woke up at 10 PM the next day lmao.
sometimes i get a burst of motivation to start an art project, but then i end up getting distracted and starting some other new thing, and nothing ever actually gets finished. i always genuinely believe i am about to finish something this time for real, which never happens. i can focus on something for maybe 30 minutes tops, and then i can never look at it again. during these periods i feel good about my life and believe there is actually nothing wrong, and that i am doing oka
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