I don't care if it's petty but it's really fucking annoying when people find my social awkwardness "endearing" or "charming". Do they not understand that the thing they are chuckling good-naturedly at is actually the fact that I am just fucking uncomfortable?

I'm lamenting the shortness of life, there is no point in departing my comfort zone to accomplish things, because it all will be gone in a flash anyway.
I'm wondering, what to do with my excess time.
I wish i had some responsibility to make me feel like i'm part of society, part of life with other people.
Occasionally life bestows a responsibility upon me, that makes me wish to be free from society and its pressures to accomplish ultimately meaningless tasks.
Sometimes i just wish to discard reason and feel passionate about something, to put on a mask and forget i'm wearing it, another times i wish to see with eyes unclouded.
What is this?

A couple months ago my group of friends blew up cause this one gay guy tried making a move on one of the straight guys and the two of them got into a bar fight. I wasn't there and I was like the only person who sided with the gay guy after and so I've spent the past months listening to him whine about the whole thing and it kinda trashed my social life. I honestly felt like people overreacted and that it was crazy to stop talking to him just because someone else spazzed at getting hit on

Last week he started saying he was maybe bisexual and then later grabbed me by the waist and shoulders a couple times when we were drunk and dancing at a club after I told him to stop the first time and then grabbed my face and kissed me. I feel so stupid because now I don't want anything to do with him and have no friends in my program and should have believed everyone else when they said he had no boundaries I think I just sympathize when someone gets ostracized because its happened to me but I need to realize sometimes its for a reason

I hate people who are condescending in a cheerful and friendly way. It shrivels my soul.

I see a therapist and she’s very nice and understanding. I’ve never been really into therapy much (only started to go into it about a year ago). Even now, I don’t really buy into it. I don’t think it does much for someone unless they truly want help and I think it only really helps people who suffer from things like PTSD. But I can’t get over how I think she must be annoyed by me or put off especially when I pull my weird “poor attempt at larping as a normal person” bullshit once I get uncomfortable in any capacity. It’s weird because she was just telling me that I’m a very nice and pleasant person to speak with, but it’s like there’s this voice in my head that tells me otherwise when I notice that I’m being slightly awkward, and my perspective immediately goes 180. I think I might have this weird form of autism where I’m like overly neurotic and have to walk on eggshells when talking to every single person or else they can see how weird fucked up and awkward I am. But it just makes me behave even more strangely ironically. It’s like the opposite of autists who are socially unaware and can come across as rude and too blunt. I also do this shit where I’ll just say words for the sake of saying it just to fill in the awkward silence when talking to others. I had to embellish details in my life or else I wouldn’t have had anything to say to my therapist during our 40 minute session. I’ve basically done this in every social interaction I’ve ever had in my life. It’s the equivalent of trying to hit the word limit on a school assignment. I can’t just be fine being myself and not having anything to say, I must always have something to say or else the social situation becomes too much for me to bear. This probably makes people perceive me as either someone who’s talkative and ditsy, or as someone with some kind of mental disability. I feel like I’m in this never ending negative thought loop. I wish I could have somebody in my life where an awkward silence between us wouldn’t be considered awkward, and where I wouldn’t have to put on this front of pretending to be something I’m really not. I just want to be comfortable with the silences that happen and not having anything to say all the time, while still enjoying their company.

you. do. not. get. to. declare. yourself. absolved. you are not forgiven. you have not repented. you have not faced justice or punishment. the only absolution for you is a bullet to the brain. i’m not that merciful. i am going to let you rot of cancer unforgiven and then i get to torture you in hell. you do not get closure and there is no end to this.

It's been a month since I've stopped flushing the toilet. I hope you get the message

Come back to me. Come back to me so we can finish what we started. I know you still want to finish it. Don't even lie to me. Don't pretend you don't care. And honestly, I know I still tug at the back of your mind, but you won't admit it to yourself. So come back. Just for a little bit.

>>129616

Ima pretend this is him speaking to me.

I'll keep you around to regulate me but I will never ever be close to you again. I will never be vulnerable around you or allow you to touch me again. Keep thinking I forgave you but I'm actually gonna use you like you use me. And no matter what you promise I know you will run away again but I won't chase

>>127744
> Is it possible to not care about this, even temporarily, without convincing yourself that you’re pretty?
Dear nona, I have some insights for you, do with them as you please. I want you to look back to yourself, as a child. Do you have any pictures to look at, or can you picture yourself in your mind? When you look at her, I hope, you probably think she's quite cute, still happy. I hope, you wouldn't say such harsh things about her, as what you may tell yourself now.

You might think how that's way different. You're older now! And you're right. What was the age you started becoming self conscious? For me it was pre-teen, I think this is similar for everyone, perhaps teen years. While we grow up, and our brains develop, we can process our life experiences and become aware of certain expectations. This is my insight: Unfortunately all suffering and misery can be led back to other people, and the pressure of the expectations they hold. I'm not necessarily talking about a certain person in your life, but how all people basically act and think due to how our society is set up. (and remember: women are, still, always at a disadvantage!!)

So When you feel sad/or are picking yourself apart, think about why? It isn't even making you happy! So why are you doing it? try to remember when you learned to see that aspect of yourself as negative, or even 'important' to think about. A nose is made for breathing for example, why do we care if it small or big? You will find out it will always be due to ideas from other people (either direct or indirect), and even though you can't do anything about this, it does redirect the 'fault' from you, to, well, others. This has made me at least feel better, because I, nor you, don't have any inherent faults or uglyness. It is always a result of societal pressures.

And social media doesn't help this at all. unfortunately the majority of people you see online are -in terms of beauty- exceptional. You don't see these people in regular life, but online it's become 'normalized'. It is a bit cliche, but recently I have completely deleted all social media (even messaging apps) , and I cannot begin to describe the benefits it has brought me. Aside from my immensely improved focus, not having something/someone to compare myself to (sub consciously even) has also incredibly helped my sPost too long. Click here to view the full text.

>>127744
It’s like what people say about grief. You don’t get over it, you just learn to live with it. Just give it time is what I am saying, live life.

i constantly wear a full face of makeup and always have my hair done while only keeping heavily angle and lighting frauded photos in an attempt to delude myself into thinking i am prettier than i am. ofcourse, it doesnt work and leaves me with intense feelings of guilt due to being a catfish. I also try comfort myself with the idea that in the future ill get all these surgeries to fix what ive got going on, but in this economy i wont. being a 4/10 lanky, socially inept teen was a traumatic experience.

no matter what, I never seem to look put together ༎ຶ‿༎ຶ Worst part about having shit genetics

I wish I would of asked for your number

I want to kiss you but i don't want to fuck up both our lives

It's like Stockholm syndrome how badly I miss you sometimes, and I hate how much I don't want to

I just don't want to hurt your feelings

Please just come back one more time, but see me in person this time, please please please

>>129623
thank you sm! i love these

>>129623
these are unironically good

Fixed it with one conversation because I forgot my boyfriend is an autist that needs me to be direct with my wants and needs 👍

>>129612
Any reason to not be direct? Maybe the autist is you.

We did it s, we saved her relationship!

haah even posting this i feel like im close to a panic attack . im so scared of everything

maybe be happy on ur own before you can be happy with someone else. and then you can find the right person for you to enjoy life with

um for what it's worth i like the picture you posted do you have more cute images like that

sammmee im ruining my already ugly appearance with bulimia wooo! I relate to everything ye said so at least ur not alone. Is there a place in this world fr people like us I wonder

I have casual sex because I like sex. I don't like emotions. If you can't have sex with catching feelings, then casual sex isn't for you. That's fine.

>>129537
If you like sex, casual sex isnt for you. You need to get to know each others bodies first, likes and dislikes etc.

I have personal circumstances that prevent me from being able to have a long term relationship but I still want affection. Its not the healthiest but I can squash my feelings easily because I remind myself of the circumstances I’m in and other things that make me unworthy of a relationship. I also don’t have friends and only really interact with people for sex yet I’ve met interesting people this way.

>>128629
I've genuinely never met anyone who enjoys casual sex other than straight men, gay men and some butches who just covet masculinity to hide their own pain. This whole thing that everyone loves casual sex is a LARP.

>>128629
You think I'd be interested in casual sex because I'm a bippie but I've been assaulted, stalked and borderline raped that almost nothing excites me about men anymore and I haven't tried casual sex with women either so… it's not worth it. I have a surprisingly low sex drive I just blame my trauma for it