This is so pathetic, but whenever my mom plays loud music, I get involuntary flight/fight responses in my body, or the corner of my mouth will turn down as if Im going to cry, and I get very depressed despite trying not to be.
As a child, whether at home or sitting in the backseat of the car on the way to somewhere, mom would play her music super loud, esp if her and dad were shouting/fighting, so my mind connects domestic violence with her music. I had no choice, I HAD to listen to it. Over and over again.
There was a time, mom and her fave male offspring played this newly released moid bands album very loudly, despite me repeatedly telling them it hurt my ears. That was my only way to go out anywhere apart from school, and home was depressing, so I had no choice. My "no" was never respected. Mom pretended to turn the dial down, but the screen showed the volume was unchanged. She laughed off my concerns, and told me I dont know what real abuse was. Another time, I didnt want her playing it loudly inside my room, so in response for daring to set a boundary, she didnt talk to me for 3 days and wouldnt make me or my siblings any food. All that, combined with intense bullying at school, a bad medical issue that ended up needing surgery, and puberty, all made me cry at night for months, wishing I was never born/praying to die.
Moms music is loud angry moid songs, often about violence or misogynistic sexual comments, sometimes depressing or sad songs about death. She explicitly discouraged me from listening to women music artists and is very misogynistic. When I listen to different music I like with headphones, I dont usually get the involuntary fight/flight reactions.
Just recently, I was outside doing yardwork when mom played her shouting moid music out loud for the neighbors to hear, because they woke us up at 7am mowing the lawn. I felt like the neighbors would take out their anger out on me, so I felt uncomfortable and stopped what I was doing, as Im afraid of conflict [I was strangled by a moid classmate when I was around 5]. Then mom went outside, unprompted, bragging to me about how it could have been louder, and laughed that the man next door [he often has loud abusive breakups with women] is going to cry because he turned his music on as a response. Im probably wrong but I feel like she indirectly mocked and bullied me. Mom never does this when her male offspring is outside, as he would be embarrassed, and we cant
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