im writing this because i wonder if anybody relates. soooo ive beeen thinking a lot, for months actually. i am a bad person i think, to some extent. i always knew i have issues with attachment and intimacy and getting close to people, just never knew how to fix myself.
one comment that my friend made about me has been haunting me for months, calling me out for my "shallow" relationships with friends and partners. first of all my narcissistic traits kinda wanna tell her to piss off like who are u to claim my relationships are shallow or not, but at the same time why is that lowkey true LMAOAOAOA. cause ive never thought about it that way.
ive always felt lonely with people. i know i tried my best to keep deeper connections but they all slowly and silently fall apart that i didnt even notice it happening until she called me out. i dont wanna sound like a cringe doomer but truly i was never deeply understood. no matter how much i tried to explain myself to people they never got it, and the more i explained the worse it got. i thought explaining would bring me closeness and emotional intimacy but it did the exact opposite. i hated how people could always approach me and feel safe and judge-free when venting to me cause i tried my best to be as understanding as possible, but when it came to me it was never like that. nobody EVER was understanding enough, almost every time i opened up i was judged and misunderstood. after all of that, it is not crazy at all to turn to myself and shut people off. only person i could count on was me. nobody ever consoled me, nobody ever truly listened. all i had was myself. and it seems impossible not to turn a little narcissistic and hyper independent after all of this. if nobody is there for you but youself, how can u ever truly trust someone and rely on them. im never off guard. im always hypervigilant, i can never let go and feel free to express my emotions and thoughts and feelings to anyone. cause if i let it slip im completely at their mercy and after everything how can i expect a positive or a neutral reaction. i automatically expect the worst and just decide to keep it all inside cause its safer than to risk being judged and let down again. i just feel like the more people get to know me the more they hate me. if i can name one person in my life who truly gets me judgement free its my long distance online best friend, but irl nobody is as tolerant and nonjudgemental as them. they dont assume the worst i
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